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A very STRONG question to all the women on this forum

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by The Strategist, Jun 8, 2018.

  1. The Strategist

    The Strategist Fapstronaut

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    Hello girls,

    The success rate in the porn addiction communities is around 1%. By success I don't mean going 60 or 90 days clean, but actually quitting for good and being free from the addiction for more than 1 year.

    This means it is highly likely that your partner (husband or boyfriend) will never recover from this. Even if he tries very much to overcome it.

    My question is:

    Are you willing to accept the possibility that your partner might never fully overcome this addiction? Would you be willing to accept your partner as a lifelong addict?

    If the answer to the above question is no:

    How much time are you willing to give him to overcome this addiction before making the decision to break up with him?

    Thanks.
     
    Broken Beauty and Scott93 like this.
  2. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    GREAT Question!! I am curious to hear the answers that will come....fyi, from my research and reading, I have seen the percentage as 5%-6% -- although 1% seems just as likely too. Either way, it is an EXTREMELY low percentage.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  3. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    My PA is over two years PM free.
    (well, by my standards, he may argue with that...)
    Nonetheless, I was willing to tough it out.
    What I wasn't willing to tolerate was the lying.
    I bet lots will feel the same.
     
  4. This is called "dry drunk". Even if he has stopped the _symptoms_ of the disease, the self-centeredness, the lying, hiding, etc are still there. True recovery is to use the old AA term a "spiritual awakening" which is a "fundamental change in personality". The latter two quotes are from the Big Book of AA as best as I can remember.

    -Quinn
     
  5. And no, we don't know him. We know addiction and it is an equal opportunity enslaver. It treats everyone the same.

    -Quinn
     
  6. The Strategist

    The Strategist Fapstronaut

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    It actually is possible to quit without doing recovery work, but there needs to be some kind of epiphany or enlightenment. But it does happen.

    I can tell you, however, that anyone who recovers is going to be very proud about it and will not be silent. If your husband has never said something like "Hey honey! Today it's been 250 days since I last watched porn! I can't believe it, I'm so happy." then chances are he's still watching porn.

    Men lie about this because there is a lot of guilt in confessing that they have failed. Addicts also tend to binge for days after they relapse, which makes it even harder to be honest about it. I mean, imagine your husband telling you "I failed and watched porn today honey" every day for like 10 days straight. How are you going to feel about it? How do you think he's going to feel about it?

    I'm not justifying lying, I'm just saying it's very difficult for a man to be 100% honest about his porn use.
     
  7. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Yes, I know he may go back and the odds are in favor of him doing so.

    I think addictions are lifelong in that you have to be vigilant against them for life. However, I would not be willing to accept a partner that indulges in this addiction again. I hope that makes sense. In other words, I know he has to be vigilant against this forever, but if he watches P or even has a fling with Psubs, I'm out. I just can't do it again mentally.

    He's been PMO free for almost a year at this point with no urges to use, and done everything I asked of him plus some, so I think he's overcome it as much as possible. I expect nothing less than this from now on. I don't know if that answers your questions? But from the moment I found out about the PA I expected no more P, period. If he had, I'd be gone. I know that isn't what a lot of SOs or PAs say is best, but it was more about what I could handle. I know relapses are almost expected in recovery, but I just couldn't do it. I know he could be lying about all of this and I may never know. I can see major changes in him, he is a completely different person than a year ago, so I'm hoping that indicates he is truly PMO free.
     
  8. My wife accepts me as an addict _in recovery_. She met me this way and chose to proceed with the relationship. Today we are married and are raising a beautiful baby girl (who is saying her first words and taking her first steps this week!!!).

    She does not expect me to be perfect (I am not, no where near). She expects me to be honest (I am, but I have been guilty of dragging my feet in the past and had to make improvements). She told me she would rather hear it from me that find out about it herself. She does her best not to take my challenges personally and does it quite well. If I slip or relapse, she will want to know what corrective action I will be taking. But she does not manage my recovery, provide any accountability, etc, nor is she in recovery herself. She doesn't understand 12 step in detail or even know what the steps are. We seldom actually talk about the issue directly. Usually if we do, I bring it up.

    I feel lucky in this regard. But, one thing I have said here before is: it is easier to start a relationship in recovery than it is to start recovery in a relationship.

    Peace,
    -Quinn
     
  9. What's best is what you can handle, not what everybody or anybody else is doing. This is your bottom line that you need. It's about you and your needs, not about him, and that's healthy. You know yourself. That's what's best.

    Peace,
    -Quinn
     
  10. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    I don't believe that an addict can just stop one day, after being caught and just stop of his own free will and never ever go get drawn back into it, without recovery work. I mean maybe 0.01% of 1% can...but even that seems highly unlikely.

    He surely can white-knuckle it for a while .. and convince himself he is "cured" .. Personally, I remember August 2016 -- two DDay's ago when my wife gave me the ultimatum: fix your porn problem or I am leaving you. I was porn free for 3 months (still M'ed every morning in the shower) -- I thought I had fixed my problem. But I never sought help, never told anyone else...I just stopped cold turkey, for an astonishing (I thought) 3 months!!


    I was fooling myself (not my wife interestingly..she saw that I didn't seek out any help and knew I would be drawn back into porn---she had learned all about porn addiction at that point..I hadn't even admitted I was a porn addict until about 1.5 years later).

    ..

    Oh, there is a question for your husband @Hella -- does he consider himself a porn addict? (current or former)
     
  11. The Strategist

    The Strategist Fapstronaut

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    I never said he should have a counter!

    I'm just saying that anyone who quits porn is going to be proud about it. He might not say "I'm 187 days clean" but he might say something like "It's been more than one year, I'm so proud about it".

    No one who has recovered from porn addiction is going to be so casual about it that he's going to remain silent and never bring up the subject unless asked about it.
     
  12. The Strategist

    The Strategist Fapstronaut

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    What exactly do you mean by recovery work? If you mean going to group meetings or seeking counseling, then you're wrong, there are people who have managed to stop on their own.

    Have you read this book?

    https://sites.google.com/site/SPAM REMOVED (spam code #001) - REPORT TO MODERATION/home/preface
     
  13. Would you trust it? A counter is a tool of recovery. Even in recovery, trust takes a long time to be restored.

    You don't have to compromise on what you want him to do. He doesn't have to do it and may choose not to. But you don't have to negotiate. Your bottom line is yours to decide.

    -Quinn
     
  14. (continued)

    So make your decisions about what you expect him to do. It's up to him to prove to you that he is abstaining (I don't use the term sober in this case). It's not a debate or a discussion, it is a decision.

    -Quinn
     
  15. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Recovery work to me means, first and foremost, admitting you have a problem .. understanding addiction .. and admitting you have an addiction (not just a bad habit of viewing porn).

    Recovery work does not just mean going to a group...although that is recovery work. I have never been to a 12-step group of any kind. And I only started going to a CSAT-led men's group in Feb 2018...9 months after DDay / 3.5 months after my real recovery began. (I was in Stage 1 of recovery for those first 5.5 months....stage 1 is really a pre-recovery stage.)

    ..

    If only 5%-6% of people who suffer from sexual addiction / porn addiction end up truly recovering for life. I bet if you analyzed JUST those people who never sought outside help, never told anyone else, never talked to a counselor/therapist, and just tried to "kick the habit" on their own....I am guessing that percentage tanks to 0.5% or less.

    Odds are horrible either way ... choosing NOT to get outside help / choosing not to tell another human being / choosing to tackle this addiction all by yourself is a disastrous choice...I feel that no SO should accept that. And no PA..who really, REALLY wants to change should pursue that.
     
  16. KAD234

    KAD234 Fapstronaut

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    I personally am okay with porn, but once it becomes obsessive and crosses boundaries it becomes a problem for me. My SO does not only have a porn addiction but a self-claimed sex addiction. He started talking, sexting, and camming with camgirls and random women/men off reddit. Each time escalating his actions. He also had multiple dating accts, and spent money on these people. He claims he didn't do anything in real life. If he were to do that again I would not be able to keep helping him through his journey.

    I'm willing to work through this as long as it takes. His lying and denials had been a big hit on my trust. I know he'll have urges to look at porn and might look, but once he crosses over the boundaries we have set I'm done.
     
  17. @Strategist,

    I do not disagree that people can stop on their own. The fellowship I belong to does but I don't necessarily. But for true addicts, this is a disease of isolation and shame and the solution is to break that and make connections with others in recovery.

    But stopping is called abstaining. Recovery is a spiritual process. It is about joining the world around us, being of service, shedding our self-centered nature, becoming honest and integrated people, living a life of purpose and meaning, and (for some, for me) finding G-d.

    I didn't just yank it to porn. I became a hollow shell of a person. I became suicidal. I reached the end of my rope. Today I live a life I could never have dreamed of. I worked my ass off, but I don't owe it to myself. I owe it to _others_ who helped me. I am eternally grateful to them and to pay them back I try to pay it forward.

    Peace,
    -Quinn
     
  18. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    This was me 2 years ago.
    The lying... All the lying.
    I did not have a problem with porn either... Yet... The lying.
     
    Moon Shot, Deleted Account and KAD234 like this.
  19. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    I don’t think it’s about set time frame for me. I’m one of those people that I’ll know when it’s time if it gets to that point. At least it’s been that way in the past.
    As for the addiction, addiction is always there, for the rest of your life. I will not stay with the “active addict”, I have told him before that I won’t be married to that guy. I deserve better than that.
    I will with the recovering addict, I have faith in him for the man he wants to become and I know he will get there. I will happily be married to him, as long as he continues to recover even if it’s 50 years I’ll work with him and stand by him. He just has to do the work to continue in his recovery, stay committed to it and us.
    I hope I’m making sense here, I accept his addiction, I can accept recovery but I do not have to accept how I am treated with his active addiction behaviors.
     

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