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Is this a new emotional trend!?

Discussion in 'Off-topic Discussion' started by Peter Pettigrew, Jun 7, 2018.

  1. Peter Pettigrew

    Peter Pettigrew Fapstronaut

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    I have been going through my ups and downs in my relationship. It's been fucking annoying because it's seemed like the problem was entirely on me. Like, I would just stop feeling in love. I still loved her but the feeling that made me want to be there no matter what just disappeared. So I started googling and I found the same generic information on the first google results page. But when I got to page 3, I found a forum where many people were describing the exact same thing I was experiencing. One day you're feeling like this person might be the one and then from out of nowhere you stop feeling. Like you stop feeling anything! It's like your shit just stops working and you're left hoping that some sort of feeling will come back. Most people seem to hold out because they know they love the person they're with and they're afraid they'd be giving up on a good thing. But the feeling of being broken just doesn't disappear.

    Anyone ever hear about this or go through it?
     
    BlueDragonfly likes this.
  2. I understand what you're talking about. It's common because most people talk about love all day but they don't understand what love is. Earlier someone posted a thread on why are most songs about love and relationships and many people agreed that these songs are more about lust, sex, infatuation and codependency.

    You may romanticize the idea of falling in love with the idea of being all in love but it usually ain't love that motivates you to meet a strange girl and try to get with her. It's the booty, breasts, eyes or whatever you're into. When you're in the beginning phases of a fling and you're all excited, you're dealing with lust and infatuation. You cant love her yet because you don't really know who the fuck she is. Love is a by product of deep connection and mutual respect so you may have If you two stick with it and get to know each other then those emotions develop into a deeper connection that not so sensational.

    I'm not too familiar with your situation but it sound like you were enjoying the emotional l high of being in a new relationship( and getting some new pussy). It probably wasn't love. Once the fascination wears off then there's absolutely no connection and no interest in continuing the relationship.
     
    Peter Pettigrew likes this.
  3. The idea that we always have to feel love or that it must be felt in order to be real is one of the biggest lies out there. Love isn’t a feeling, it’s an act of the will. In this love can be there wether we feel it or not. People who love each other don’t have to be fawning over one another 24/7. That’s just infatuation.

    Right now, in this dryness, is where true love is shown and built. It’s the moment you accept that love isn’t about what you get but about what you give. You have the opportunity to show that your love is genuine because you’re going to will to love her even though you, for right now, feel a dryness of feelings. This is true selfless love, to love even though there is no reward or benefit to you. This is the love that songs and pop culture can’t sell you because it’s scary, it’s hard, and it takes sacrifice.
     
  4. Peter Pettigrew

    Peter Pettigrew Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your responses! I think the biggest thing has been that she's always been in love with me. Her feelings don't wane, she doesn't seem to go through these ups and downs. So I feel like I'm just not trying hard enough and so I do try harder but all the trying just makes it feel forced. I understand what you guys are saying. Love stops being about the butterflies and the constant state of euphoria, which I am fine with. In fact, if it were always like that, I think I'd run out of steam. In some sense, I feel like that's what keeps happening here. I love her endlessly but she just never seems to get enough of me. We spend all our time together. You'd think she'd want some space but she's happier when she's with me. I love spending my days with her because she's genuinely the most interesting person. On paper, we're a match made in heaven. We tick all the right boxes for each other. It has been this very thing that has led me to make the choice to love her for the past few years. Love for me stopped being about feelings of infatuation quite early on and I had to make the choice about whether I wanted to leave or stay. It was a difficult journey but I chose to stay every time. I hoped it would become easier and that I'd stop feeling so conflicted but here I am, years later, still going through the motions.

    I guess I'm just journaling at this point. Any thoughts?
     
  5. My point was that those feelings of butterfiles /euphoria / excitement have nothing at all to do with love and everyting to do with lust and personal gratification. From my assessment of your OP, it seems like you were never in love. It sounds like you like this girl and you recognize her good qualities. You said you enjoy spending time with her and it sounds like you feel guilty because shes really into you and your feelings arent so strong. Youre trying to force those feeling but you know logically thats not possible, which is clearly causing you ainxiety.

    If you like her enough you could develop real love but you can't force it. sometimes those feelings go away then its just you and the other person and you discover that it wont work. Id think about it but if you feel like that is the case, the responsible thing is to be a man and be honest as not to string her along any further. If it works then good for you two.
     
    Peter Pettigrew likes this.
  6. @Peter Pettigrew it sounds like you’re struggling with doubt. I think the best thing to do would be to take a step back and evaluate if maybe your own personal interpretation of what love should be like is what’s causing you doubt. I personally never believe we have a moment when our belief that we’re with the right person is automatic or subconscious. I think part of love requires us to daily reaffirm our belief. Like with sobriety, it will get a little easier as we go on but we still have to make that daily decision to be sober.
     
    Peter Pettigrew likes this.
  7. Peter Pettigrew

    Peter Pettigrew Fapstronaut

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    Bless. Thank you for your words. Yeah this has been a very different kind of love. It definitely didn't start in the same way as other "in love" relationships. But it's been way more fulfilling. I'd like more than anything to spend the rest of my life with this woman and to foster a love so strong that I never feel these doubts again. Being "in love" is something that must constantly be worked on because it's such an impermanent feeling. I am willing to put all the effort. I guess sometimes I wonder when it became this hard to open my heart and love fearlessly. Anyway, thanks again for your response. It is much appreciated!
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  8. Peter Pettigrew

    Peter Pettigrew Fapstronaut

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    Bless, bro. You're absolutely right. There are many doubts in my mind about what I am feeling. In my naive thinking, I must have imagined that love was supposed to be easy and that you'd automatically know when you'd found "the one" and that it wouldn't require a daily reaffirmation of the choice to stay with this person. I blame it on Hollywood and their happily-ever-after's LOL. I must say, this journey we've been on together has taught me more about myself than I could ever have imagined. In my mind, I know that she is the only one who I would want to spend the rest of my life loving and building with. But I think that my heart has had a harder time catching up. I know this seems problematic because the heart is usually the one leading the front. But I've had my heart terribly broken in the past and I feel that a number of my reservations come from the unresolved fears of being hurt again. Obviously the porn addiction didn't help. It's made me imagine potential partners all over the world who might be able to help me outrun myself. These probably just deepened the rift I was feeling in my heart. But I'm addressing the addiction and I'm doing well with that. I will keep making the choice to choose her because at the end of it all, she's the one I want standing with me.

    I appreciate your response, man. It's been really helpful!
     
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  9. izdwuut

    izdwuut Fapstronaut

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    I was once in similar position. A couple of years after a break-up I realized that I was indeed in love, I just did everything to refuse it. For me it manifested as being accusative, but unlike you, I projected it on her.

    I think that you would benefit from working on grasping an idea of unconditionality, as I see it as an inseparable quality of love. I'd personally start from acknowledging some of my flaws, investigating them and doing my best to find a new usage for them. I see it as probable way to see unconditional love - even if something resembles a piece of garbage, I believe that it can be salvaged into something that I'd perceive as useful. I might not like the outcome, but as long as it doesn't harm me, I'd say that I'm okay with that.
    I think that you have a point. I see that you approach the conundrum from the different angle, although I feel that essentially we have the same thing on our minds. From my experience I'd say that taking is just as important as giving. I happened to exaggerate with giving and I found it unsustainable. I'm working on finding balance that works for me and I think that's something to keep in mind.
     
    Peter Pettigrew likes this.
  10. Max Toulouse

    Max Toulouse Fapstronaut

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    From my experience of being in a relationship where I wanted to love a girl but simply couldn't because we weren't compatible, it's sounds like you possibly just don't actually love her. Like someone mentioned above, love is a deep, emotional connection that can only be developed through learning about someone and connecting with them on a deeper level. Just how we love our bestfriends the same is said for women or whomever you're attracted to. You will only know love if you can actually connect with someone else. Hope this helps brother.
     
    Peter Pettigrew likes this.
  11. Peter Pettigrew

    Peter Pettigrew Fapstronaut

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    I agree with you. It's definitely about unconditionality. I've been struggling with this concept for the longest time. Sometimes it seems simple and other times it seems like the hardest thing. But I'm coming to understand it. I think the most important part is in accepting that love is about more than the easy parts. The hardest parts about love make it worth having. Fuuuck, it's been hard but there are moments where it's felt incredibly easy and those are the moments to focus on when choosing love.
     
  12. Peter Pettigrew

    Peter Pettigrew Fapstronaut

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    Hey man. You know, when I first read this comment, I didn't know what to make of it. I felt a little resentful that you had said I didn't love her. But I took a step back and really made sense of what you were saying. What I took out of it was that you were issuing a challenge. I believed that what you meant was that I had actually not started to love her, that I hadn't made the choice to love her. This put the whole situation into perspective for me in a way that I hadn't been able to do before. I kept saying that I loved her but that I couldn't find that "in love" feeling. Never once did I question whether I actually did love her. Maybe it was because I was afraid of what it would mean if I found out that I didn't in fact love her. When you put it to me that I didn't love her, I was forced to face the possibility. It was empowering, man. I realised that what needed to happen was that I needed to start loving her. I needed to make the choice to see all the beautiful things about her that I am able to list as the very reasons why she is worth my love. I don't even know if this is what you meant but it's what I took from it and it's been so helpful. Thank you, my brother.
     
    Max Toulouse likes this.
  13. Max Toulouse

    Max Toulouse Fapstronaut

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    I’m happy you came to this realization. It’s easy to be afraid to look at ourselves and our true feelings towards someone because we may not like what we find. However, it sounds in this case that you’ve found exactly what you’re looking for. Happy for you brother. :)
     
    Peter Pettigrew likes this.
  14. kingpietro

    kingpietro Fapstronaut

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    There are 2 big differences falling in love and loving someone.

    When you meet a girl you’re body is telling you go reproduce with that girl so you start to fall in love, falling for someone the same thing happens to a girl but slower she starts to get to know you and starts falling for you.

    Basically it’s a chemical process to make humans reproduce. However after a certain amount of time it goes away. However at a certain point those butterflies go away and you aren’t in love anymore however there should come something in replace respect , love for eachother. Bassicly after falling in love comes love.

    You really thinx couples still have butterflies for each other? No they don’t they respect and love eachother. That’s what most people forget when they choose a partner you need to make sure there is a connection respect for eachother so when the natural instinct goes away you have something more..

    A woman ususally gets the one feeling when you penetrate her then she starts to act nice and trying to make sure you stay with her this often results in the guy staying because the woman gives him good feelings(being nice and giving you sex). But after a certain period when the child can live on its own she starts to care less about the men again natural instincts however she might still respect and love him afterwards..

    My guess is that you don't have a connection to the girl and you're butterflies when away and now you realize we aren't compatibly at all.
     
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  15. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    Love in general, is far more complicated than we’ve been led to believe by Hollywood movies or jewelry store ads. Nowhere do we hear that love can be unsexy drudgery. Or that love can sometimes be unpleasant or even painful, that it could potentially even be something we don’t want to feel at times. Or that love requires self-discipline and a certain amount of sustained effort over the course of years, decades, a lifetime.

    These truths are not exciting. Nor do they sell well.

    The painful truth about love is that the real work of a relationship begins after the curtain closes and the credits roll. The real work of a relationship is all the boring, dreary, unsexy things that nobody else sees or appreciates. Like most things in the media, the portrayal of love in pop culture is limited to the highlight reel. All the nuance and complexities of actual living through a relationship is swept away to make room for the exciting headline, the unjust separation, the crazy plot twist, and of course everyone’s favorite happy ending.

    Most of us have been so inundated by these messages throughout our entire lives that we have come to mistake the excitement and drama of romance for the whole relationship itself. When we’re swept up by romance, we can’t imagine anything could possibly go wrong between us and our partner. We can’t see their faults or failures, all we see is their limitless potential and possibility.

    This is not love. This is a delusion. And like most delusions, things usually don’t end well.
     
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