Fantasy vs. Reality, difficulties

It sounds like a 90 day hard mode reboot could really help you. It is the addiction that is keeping you longing for PMOing and you need to reset the chemicals in your brain.

Here is some more info:

https://www.nofap.com/rebooting/

 

I'm not in your shoes, but I feel there are some similarities.

I came to the realization that I have taken advantage of my SO for O without anything in return for years. I didn't always look at it that way, but something that came up after D Day #5 or so is that she made changes in her life and I "took the sex and ran". So look at where you anticipate jealousy coming from and look at the commitments you've made to your SO. Also, there are ways to scratch the intimacy itch without P M or O. Sure, it's different and hard, but it's absolutely possible. Kerazza and tantra come to mind after reading about them from a few other posts here. There are other methods too.

Relationships are between two people and not everyone gets everything that they want. I know my SO has given up quite a lot to be with me, this has become clear post-DDays (1, 2, 3, 4, and 5). An advisor I had at one point often told me that love is a dying to oneself (that came from a religious background, but the concept seems apt given the topic at hand). There's a thought that love is being willing to sacrifice yourself to save them. That's all noble and good, but are you willing to die to yourself - your wants and your desires - for the sake of your SO?

I feel like I miss it too sometimes but the frequency decreases over time. I think you can regret something and miss it at the same time. However, it was my best friend for many years and that's quite the problem. I defended my best friend (P) from my supposed best friend (SO) and in doing so, deprived my SO of what she so rightly deserved and expected.

Also, thanks @GhostWriter for mentioning how to quote multiple lines in another post.

 

What is the central theme here? You have made sex all about you, with no intimacy or connection. You get it whatever you want, whenever you want, without having to put any emotion or effort into it. You state that you feed your lust. You say has made you really excited to better your relationship, except that it is clear your wife does not feel that it has bettered it at all. So you have made an assumption about what your wife wants based on your selfish desires. And then you say how jealous you would be of your wife getting to O for 3 months and you don't.

Do you see a pattern here?

But now you get a chance to get just a small glimpse of the damage you have done to your wife and your relationship. It's called betrayal trauma. You have betrayed her and she is traumatized by it. There are varying degrees of betrayal trauma, anywhere from not so severe to PTSD symptoms. This is a great link to help you understand more. https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/understand-betrayal-trauma.128063/#post-1064582

As far as a 90 day reboot and your wife getting an O without you. First, perhaps she is willing to do the reboot along side you. There are many spouses that reboot with their PAs. But if she doesn't want to, this is just part of you learning to NOT be selfish and put her first. It is part of you resetting your brain back to factory settings. You have no intimacy with your wife. You interchanged the word intimacy with sex in something you said, but you have no intimacy with your wife. That is why you have an addiction to porn and masturbation, to avoid real intimacy and real connection.

It may be a good idea to seek out a CSAT or CMAT therapist, as well as find a twelve step program such as SA or SAA in your area and a good sponsor to help you get started.

I wish you and your wife luck.

 

I certainly feel the same way. I feel like losing my secrets and my fantasies are like losing my soul to some extent.

What It really comes down to is this. Is what you’re doing unhealthy for you?
Is what you’re doing unhealthy for your realtionship?

And the end of the day a healthy sexuality has to be defined by you and your SO. And that definition has to be followed. If you think their definition can’t fit with yours and is unfair then you have the option of leaving. It’s a choice you have to come to terms with.

I’m currently 7 weeks into no p and no m. Because I was caught fantasizing about things that were hurtful to my SO in a very specific way and also because I was using P at work for hours on end.

I openly admit that some of my behavior was unacceptable but having no secrets because some of my behavior was unacceptable feels extreme.

Here comes the boom though. THE SECRETS ARE REALLY THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM. They are th number one thing that leads to the unacceptable hurtful behavoir. And that’s why you have to let them go if you want to ever be in a healthy relationship.

I’m still struggling with this delemmia my self. Of coming to terms with someone else defining what is acceptable. Even though I agree some of the things I was doing were unacceptable now it feels a bit like my sexuality is being defined souly by another person and to some extent it is.

That’s what you do when you’re in a relationship though. You come to agreements on what’s acceptable behavior. Ultimately if you cant come to an agreement you break up.

 

When I was first quitting smoking I thought I would always miss it. I thought there was nothing that could replace the feeling of a cigarette in the morning or after a meal or relaxing between study sessions. But thankfully I was wrong. Even though at the time it was really hard to imagine a routine that didn’t involve smoking and even though it took me a long time to stop craving or missing it eventually it went away. These days I forget I ever smoked even though I see plenty of people smoking all the time. Not only do I not miss it, I don’t even think about it. Clouds of smoke aren’t reminders anymore, just annoying obstacles on my walk to work.

I know sexuality can be more complicated than that but I think with understanding of why you like the things you do and where it comes from etc it will be much easier to let go of the things that are incompatible with a healthy relationship. I hope this helps at all.

 

You need activities to replace your porn use and thoughts of porn use. NoFap is certainly helpful but you need to be doing things to get your mind on something new and equally fulfilling.

Replace porn with something else more positive instead of obsessing over it.

My therapist had me make a list of 1. Unhealthy activities 2. Slippery slope activities 3. Healthy activities. If you write out everything on this list it can help with changing your life from thinking about porn to thinking about other things that are healthy.

I can definitely relate to feel like it’s impossible to please a SO sometimes. That’s ultimatly a separate issue from porn use. If she is dependent on you for all her happiness that’s certainly not healthy either and should be sorted out.

Obviously therapy and couples therapy is the best route to take. Also check out the book “out of the shadows” it was very helpful for me and my SO. We both read it and felt a lot better about sorting out our problems afterwards.

 

Why did she want you to quit porn if it wasn’t a secret?

We’re you not as interested in actual sex at any point because of porn use?

We’re you derogatory towards women?

Did it lead you to doing anything or fantasizing about anything particularly hurtful towards your SO?

My porn use lead to these things which is why I quit.
If none of that has happened I would honestly have a hard time seeing why I should stop as well.

 

As a spouse of a PA dealing with betrayal trauma, this is an incredibly triggering thread with the rampant addict thinking. I'll excuse myself before I say something that may get me kicked out.