How do I tell my wife???!!!

Dont use porn visuals inside your brain while having Sex. I know that it is easy to say and hard to follow. However, just try. You might find it difficult in the beginning. But it will get easier and easier.

I am not married. Therefore, I don't have the eligibility is give advise regarding telling your wife the truth. Since, she already loves you and you are putting serious effort in correcting yourself. I think she will appreciate your honesty and help you in your rebooting.

Good Luck

 

I was in the same situation as you 8 years ago. I was not caught but the disease was killing me (literally, I was becoming suicidal).

You cannot recover in secrecy. It doesn't work because the shame will always be with you. You do need to get this off your chest to start your recovery properly. However, you should not just dump it on her without her having some support. That's not fair.

For me, it is a formal process, I worked with a therapist to write it all down, reviewed it with her. Then I went to a friend of the family I knew I could trust and disclosed to her. I asked her to be my wife's support. Then, in my therapist's office, with my wife and the friend present, I made my formal disclosure. After disclosure, my wife and the friend left together and spent the rest of the day and evening, and I went to a 12-step meeting.

While what you do does not have to be this formal, I strongly suggest you line up support for your wife before you disclose. But don't delay, get started today. You need to do this expeditiously.

And I just want to add....

You will be ok. There is life after disclosure, you won't stop breathing. It will be hard for both of you but you will be ok. A saying I once heard:

In the end, everything will be ok. If it's not ok, it's not the end.

Peace to you,
-Quinn

 

The thread below may help. The link takes you to my post, which was how I went about doing the same thing. But there are many, many wise voices and good experiences throughout the whole thread. Read it all, if you can.

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...-back-my-sos-trust.164095/page-2#post-1396938

Best wishes.

 

Yeah. This sounds like you have PIED and that would be something that you will need to work on as part of a true recovery. I've had it for a while and still do. You really want to be able to be with your wife 100% for the connection to be authentic and that much more rewarding.

I might suggest that you tell her that you do have this particular issue and that you hate it. You want to be ONLY with her, but that you've tried and failed and are working to get better. You want her to be part of your solution so that you can be a better husband and lover and because you value and respect her.

It is a difficult discussion to have. There is a fear in not knowing how she will react. But I also believe that our partners can be out biggest allies.

 

For me, telling my wife was essential to my process of leaving that life of secrecy behind. She is likely to not take it well, but it will be a positive step forward for your relationship. When I told my wife, the resulting month was probably the toughest of our marriage, but what followed was probably one of our best relationship years as we grew a lot closer to each other.

She has been my best ally since then and has been there to guide me through some tough withdrawals. I couldn't be at this point without her.

 

I told my wife some time ago, and since then she has been really supportive. I was suffering intermittently from PIED and she had actually done some reading herself, so was not really surprised. If you show your wife some of the information available on porn addiction, with any luck she'll be understanding and see that you are suffering and want to recover.

If I could tell my 14-year old self the effects of porn addiction, then I would have stayed way clear of it! I think most of us are completely unaware of how addictive it is when we first start watching it, so I don't think you should feel too much guilt if you are determined to recover.

I've been through similar feelings as those which you described when having sex, but these eventually went away and after a while, sex with my wife felt like a completely different, and vastly more enjoyable experience. There was no rush to orgasm, but more of an intimate shared experience. It's worth the effort, believe me!

 

SO of a PA here, If you dont mind my interjecting.
The only way to do this right is to come clean. If you want a true partnership in a marriage.
Does your wife know you've been using porn?
If not, the conversation has to be had.
First off, you need to let her react. Shes entitled to it.
Start by telling her you love her. That you find her beautiful. That it's not a problem with her. That shes worthy of someone who's honest and open. Tell her you love her again.
Dont be defensive, let her react.
This can feel like infidelity to some women.
Write out the points you need to hit and ask her to allow you to get it all out before responding.
Understand she will probably be angry. She will probably feel betrayed. She might need some space. Give it to her. Depending on how she feels about porn in general, the results may vary.
Personally I didnt see it as cheating. I understood that it was a separate compartment of the brain that drove this. But what I did have trouble with was that it wasnt my fault.
My SO suffers from PIED. often losing erections during sex. Of course i took the blame. I felt undesirable. Once that weight was lifted from me it got better to cope.
The addiction is YOUR battle. She cant help you with that. She can help you in some ways of reconnecting intimacy with sex. I can elaborate on that another time.
But YOU have to do the work.
I cant see you having a successful reboot without her knowing.
If she knows anything about it already, it might be an easier conversation. You can tell her that while it's not as bad as before, you still feel it's a problem and want to reboot to start fresh.
I cant tell you exactly how she will react.
Show her nofap and the partner support forum if shes willing. There are lots of resources available.
I hope this helped, feel free to reach out.

 

Oh and I forgot:
Boundaries.
Understand she might want full access of your phone and internet history.
Since you've been honest, you should no longer have anything to hide.
Most couples set boundaries of what is and isnt acceptable. You have to understand from the SO'S perspective that it can feel like we dont know our partner at all. In order to trust you, they may need to set some boundaries in order to rebuild.

 

Yea it’s not going to work to go as a secret. I would definitely tell your SO. Usually people respond to the truth quite well and it seems like your intentions are in the right place.

I’m doing 6 months of no p and no m but still having sex with my SO. Thoughts of porn aren’t intrusive for me so far. I’ve thought about women I’ve seen out a couple of times briefly but that is fading.

It’s ultimaltly up to you. Most people on here suggest no O in order to reboot faster and more efficiently but there is no exact rules. No p could definitely help you though. It’s helped me a lot after 2 months.

 

This is a document that our group has put together. Use what you think is helpful.
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Preparation is very important before disclosing. Some people blurt things out and cause more damage and trauma than necessary.

------------------

Practical things

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Find a place where you are both comfortable talking and won't be interrupted.

Allow plenty of time to talk about it.

Do not expect things to be settled after one discussion.

Plan for a short disclosure speech followed up by a question-and-answer discussion.

Plan and initiate follow up discussions to answer any additional questions and resolve any issues.

Have tissues nearby.

-------------------

Her Perspective

-------------------

After disclosing, she may be shocked, scared, angry, confused, fooled, or numb.

MANY wives feel the lies and secrecy are worse than the porn viewing itself.

She may view it as a betrayal.

She may view this as her fault.

She may lose trust and respect in you.

Or, she may be understanding and supportive.

Some wives do not care about how long your streak is.

She may not want to be touched, hugged, or kissed afterward... follow her lead.

She might need help and support from others to process her feelings.

She may go through a roller-coaster of feelings... one day good, one day bad.

She may not understand what it means to have an addiction and view your behavior as choices.

--------------------

Your Perspective

--------------------

Take total ownership of the problem.

Seek forgiveness.

Do what you can to heal her wounds.

Be open, honest, and transparent.

Do not flood her with details.

Answer questions truthfully and do not lie by omission.

Explain, but be careful of justifying or minimizing.

Tell her what concrete steps you are taking to fix the problem.

Establish what level of detail she wants and choose your words carefully... some information will hurt more than help. (For instance, confessing what you looked at might cause her to compare herself to what you used to watch.)

Be careful that follow up discussions are not causing repeated trauma... think of a death by a thousand paper cuts analogy. (When wives ask too many detailed follow-up questions that is often a sign of insecurity and fear.)

Be ready to explain how someone can be addicted to porn, but be careful about using it as an excuse.

If she is supportive and asks what she can do to help, have something (small or big) prepared... try to incorporate her into your recovery.

-----------------------------------------

What to Include in your Disclosure

-----------------------------------------

Admit your conscience is bothering you and have a secret that needs come out.

Admit that you have a problem, that it is more than a habit, but an addiction.
Explain you are starting to get it under control.

Explain the scope and duration of the problem - PMO, chats, camming, real life acting out, or if money has been spent.

Accept responsibility and assure her that NONE of this is her fault, nor did she make it worse.

Explain that you are going to fix this and that she is not obligated to help, but you would like her support.

Explain what steps you have been taking to fix this problem.

Say that you are sorry for hiding this for so long and you want to make things right.

Say that she is entitled to whatever feelings she has.

Acknowledge that you have hurt, not only yourself, but you have hurt her and your relationship... and state that you intend to fix that part of the problem too.

Say that you want to be transparent and that you will answer any questions.

Ask about what you can do to help her process and understand that she might not know what she needs.

Let her know that resources are available to her. Make definitive plans to follow up with her.


This might seem like a lot of stuff to say. You might not need to say it all, but it’s good to be prepared for all of these scenarios. If you want to write a script for part of your disclosure then that's ok. If you want to write an outline then that's ok too. Some may view this as being less sincere, but it also shows how serious you are about being open and honest. Think about forming an Action Plan which includes expectation, boundaries, and consequences... this can make them feel safe and help rebuild their trust in us. In fact, working together can sometimes bring a couple closer together.

 

@i_wanna_get_better1
This. All of this.
Awesome little guide. Think you covered all the bases there

 

Can we actually make @Cbelle41, @i_wanna_get_better1, @TheMightyQuinn posts up there as stickies in the forum.

All three bring different but equally valid methods to the table.

 

My advice is to know your wife and handle this according to what her needs will be, not what will make it easier for you.

While some women may want and appreciate having support lined up ahead of time, others do not want it at all and prefer to seek that out themselves. You need to help her heal her way.

 

Keep having sex, and she doesn’t need to now what’s going on in your head because your intention is to stop P and be with your wife... rebooting takes time I guess.
Make sure she is really comfortable when you bring up the PA.

 

Open up and tell her. You must and Your sex is bad because you masturbate and watch porn. Some guys got it backwards and thing since the sex is bad or boring they watch porn. No it is your fault that it is bad because of all the porn and madturbation DO KAREZZA AND NOFAP. TELL HER