How porn gradually turned me into such a monster

Hello everyone,


Introduction
Today I'm going to do something that I have never talked before.

What stimulated me trough the age.

Well, it could be just a normal thread but I don't think that you will end your reading without thinking that I am mentally ill.

I feel like I have to say somewhere and for a very long time, I was wondering who could heard that. I finally have my answer.

I'm the one who need to heard that. Extended, you, reader, could find a benefit reading this too, so I feel like I need to write this, once and for all.

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How porn gradually turned me into such a monster

First Masturbation : 7
What happened there ?
I had an erection and was scrubing myself against my bed and it felt good. Surprisingly I was thinking about my mother. I still feel ashamed when I think that I came thinking about my mom for my first self made orgasm.


First Time exposed to porn : 9
What happened there ?
Got invited to a birthday party of a nerd from my school. He had internet and a computer in his own room and DVD of porn. He showed us the thing but we could not touch ourselves in front of each other, so he closed it after a minute.


First Time with porn alone : 10
What happened there ?
When I was a kid, we had a computer. My family left for a day and I did not wanted to go with them. I was allowed to stay at home alone. The BF of my sister uploaded all of his porn (from his nokia) on our computer. My dad was redmad about this and deleted everything. Buuuuuut, I was able to find it.. Even if we did not have internet, gif used IE to work.. All the porn was still on the cache. Guys, I've masturbated so many times it is unbelivable. Multiple porn pictures and gif of hot babes but it was mainly cartoon/hentai porn. I saw some of my childhood heroes having sex..


First book of porn : 13
What happened there ?
I had a special friend, a punk one. Every year, our school was working for the city to gather paper in order to sell it. It would make some money for our school to allow student to go on vocation. Every year, people were throwing away porn magazine and guess what. We were there to take them off.


Regular porn masturbation : 14
What happened there ?
I think I was 12 or 13 when my family bought internet and I discovered it was full of porn quickly. Because I had a friend that had a lot of computer and internet, so when I was at his home, I was able to fap on porn and it was awesome.. yet. I could masturbate for 30 sec and ejaculte looking at porn while no one was in the room.


Dvd of porn, internet, the end's begining : 16
What happened there ?
First GF at the end of my 16y. First time sex when I just had 17. Such goods memories. Then, I understood that I could watch porn on the computer everytime I was alone. More than that, I had an xbox in my room but no internet connection.. So I had to make DVD that could be read on the xbox. First it was soft then I had a huge fetish for cumshot compilation and I was slowly corrupting my GF by asking her to do what I wanted to in order to have better orgasm. Honestly it was okay, we were young and had fun, we were both consenting but just before living alone. We had one last day together (I've broke up with her for no reason, fuck me). I wanted her to suck my dick, I was so horny, she just wanted to cuddle. She started sobbing and told me this "y.. you're not here just fort that .. tell me ?". I felt so fucked up, I just wanted to go home and never return and that's what I did. I closed my jean and left and never called her, never answer to her call. I just wanted her to be free, I wanted to be fix myself.


Living alone, falling alone. PORN PORN PORN : 18
What happened there ?
My first own appartement. Computer, internet.. I was, in fact, watching porn but I was okay with me and with life. I even talked to my ex GF. We had a wonderful afternoon. I did focus on my study and my body, I just wanted to be a good person I was almost there. When she saw me, she was amazed and she wanted to be with me again.

But.

I had bad friends (i'm not blaming them, I am the problem) that drinked a lot of alcohol and brought me into gay bar where I was so drunk that I would kiss multiple men (even one transwoman) until on tried to rape me. I hardly realized that I wanted everything but not having sex with a man. My ego got broken down. I felt like a piece of crap. I felt like a heterosexual that will be mocked for being homosexual. It is true, I wanted to know if I was a gay man since I had ED with girl that wanted a one night stand, I just did not know that I was not able to erect cause of too much porn over the years. I know that I don't like men and I consoled myself by thinking that since I have tried I am now sure about my sexualité but I think that I'm still being hurt for having done that.

Anyways, I became alcoholic and started to think about anything but myself. I was okay to see the girl only if she sucked / wanked me. It was not love, not sex, it was porn. I needed to look her face sucking my dick. I needed her to talk shit to make me cum. I needed her to let me cum all over her body. I even needed to turn on the light so see what was happening. She had no fun, she just wanted to be with me and I corrupted her to have what I wanted.

Disclamer : I have nothing against homosexual, in fact, I used to be homophobic before my drunk me made me done those things. Seeing how hard these people (girls too) tries to hide themself and feel ashamed for just existing was a great life lesson.


Ascended, act like a monster, be a monster : 21-now
What happened there ?
Well, well, well.. as I was saying, I was doing "porn" thing with my loved one that I did not loved the way I should have loved her. You could say "meh, why isn't he talking about porn anymore but his life ?" BECAUSE MY LIFE BECAME PORN. Everything was porn. I just wanted to masturbate, to orgasm. I had no sex with the girl. Just sloppy BJ and HJ with trashtalking, they were the only things I was still enjoying.

One night, I saw a friend of mine, we started to drink together. We became friend at the same time I've became friend with my GF. Like her, we had up and down, after a down, a big up before another greater down. This time, we wanted to make peace, so we drinked together, way too much. Once he left, my GF came at my appartement.

It was.

By far.

The worst night.

Ever.

I don't even remember everything. Just her saying "stop, you're hurting me", me masturbating into her mouth way too harder. Incapable to have an orgasm. I don't even know if I had one. I think not. We tried to fuck. Yeah, after years of masturbation and blowjob, finnaly.

It was bad, BAAAAD. It hurted her, it was bad.

When the sun comes up. She left, just saying "bye".

She left. Forever.

I could, I should have, runned down the stairs.

"Fuck sorry, I hurted you, this is stupid, I regret, I have a problem, I don't want to drink anymore, I want to love you, I want to make my life with you, I'm sorry, please pardon me , I will change, I promiss if not you can leave, give me a chance".


Nah.


I've stayed in my bed, veins full of vodka. Waiting to be strong enough to masturbate and waste my day doing nothing.

I could have called her that day.

Or that week.

Or that month.

No, I just did nothing, I just wanted to fuck another girl this time. Oh I did it after months, like, 7 and it was awefull. Not worth it, not at all. Had to take bluepill (in secret of course).

But easier, cause I would not face the reality and keep drinking.

The worst thing is to know that she would have said yes if I runned after her that day. She is by far, the nicest person I'v ever met. But I was so corrupted that even a sun like her could not shine, not with me.

My brain did not cared of girls even those that I wanted. Nah, it wanted hardcore, irrealist porn, transwoman, cartoon, futanari, incest.

My greatest combo, my mom sister and aunt on futanari nipple fucking each other.

And to this day, I keep fap to this shit.

Really ? Really ?

What the hell happened. How in the hell could I've become this ?

From that 10yo little boy that got ultra hard with a boobs picture to a grown up adult of 25 that imagine such disgrace, incapable of having sex. Incapable to envy sex. To envy girl. To envy life ?

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You may think "Hey dude, aren't you blaming everything cause of porn ?".

YOU ARE RIGHT

I have fixed my body.
I have fixed my grades.
I have fixed my alcoholism.
I have fixed my life.

But I still alone at home, wanking on incredible shit you would not be able to imagine. Why would I go out, why shouldn't I stay at home enjoying myself. This is self-sufficiency and it sucks.

I never had been so well in my life but I feel like a piece of shit cause I cannot share it. I know I could not. I don't want to have a girlfriend to have ED and feel even more horrible. I know I can find a girl easily but I just can't have sex anymore.

And I want to change that. I want to love a girl and make love to her, not pound her until I cum just to feel kind of relaxed. I want to be human, I want to share. To receive. To give.

I just want to live, for real.

That's why I'm giving up on porn, cause it escalated to a point that I'm not human anymore.

I hope that my story will at least give you one reason to stop that shit.

Feel free to insult me for what I've done, I deserve that. I finally said it, once and for all. I don't deserve sympathy for my act and writing this down here does not make me a good person.

 

@Aloha thank you brother. My will to change never had been that strong. Thanks to the people that support each other here, it's like my loneliness is fading away after each new message.

@ShockTheSystem The true is, my GF (first one) left 4 years ago, I did changed a lot and people does not believe it is me. I have worked really hard on myself but I can't stop feeling guilty about what I've done, especially to her. I feel like a rapist, a violent man, a weak man. I feel like I don't deserve any love. I feel like people should blame me for the monster I used to be.

On another side, I feel like I've tried to redeem myself, I think that I've chosen the path of redemption.

But I want to bad to see that girl again, that I feel like I did not paid enough.. I know it is stupid but I can't stop thinking like that.

I still love her, there is no doubt about this, so the pain of my past life won't get away without fixing my last "bad" part. I feel like I'm trying to change in order to have her pardon but I also want to feel in peace with myself.

@goodnice thank you bro, I don't know if you should respect me for that. I'm just a man that failed because of weakness and try to be normal.

 

@hollyman Thanks for your post, I hope I will reach that second life.

@Adam smithsonian30 Thank you for your honesty, it may sound "weird" but I liked your post, I feel less alone. Maybe a lot of people did/do this, but it is so hard to talk about it..

 

@Arms.R.heavy Thank you for your answer. I'm not religous but I grew up with 2 incomptabiles background, religous mom, freemason dad. Both never agreed on their belief. I considere myself as a pure agnostic atheist but I value spirituality (not religion). So, I don't know about remorse and taking action because I'm divided between thinking that taking action and having remorse is wonderful and human, but I also think that this is my nemesis.

I had some trouble that I considered as personnal and I've found forgiveness because I was the one that was angry.

But I truly think that I will find forgiveness from my past acts only if that girl accept to pardon me. That's why I have worked so hard these 4 last years. I have done it in the hope of being forgiven one day and maybe that day will never come but I won't give in on improving cause the remorse are overtaking me. Plus, I feel, deep inside me, the urge to improve in order to become a good person. To never hurt again and to give because in the end, life is about sharing.

I'm not going to say that I did or will do goods actions, but if I do, I know that, that's because of her, I feel grateful for the love she gave me and for the pain she provoked when leaving, it cured so many bad things and gave me the strength to chase my dream, to feel. It proven me that I was able to feel, to love.

And this is wonderful.

I sometimes feel crazy, I keep this for myself, but I still love this girl, maybe it won't last forever, maybe it will.. One thing is sure, this love changed my life and it still does.

Anyways, thank you for your amazing support, I really hope that I will love vanilla sex too. You gave me so much hope and so much strength.

I am sorry I annoyed you with my GF story, that's something I have on my mind everyday and I have stopped talking about it cause people always told me the same old thing "forget her". I don't want to piss you off with my story.


@HopeForBrightFuture

I can't relate more than this omg. I always tought this too. I am also ashamed for what I've done. It is good to not feel alone, I hope you don't too. I would have commited sex crime too I think, """""at least""""" make young girls (not underage hu) drink too much to slept with me.. I know I would have done that. This is terrible. I was so sad that I was going to take the non return path. This is why I have to change, because I don't like who and what I am and I don't want it worst than now.

 

Yes, you are right, let's stay strong together bro

 

@TheodoreCleaver I am trying to be honest now because I was always, you know, not lying, just not saying the true. I've read years ago something like "Stop lying, to everyone, including yourself and you will be amazed of how everything in life will come together" and yes, this is true.

I did not feel euphoric but I felt adrenaline, because talking about what I've done is hard and make me feel shamefull. Especially the part where I said that I imagine nipple fucking my own mom, sister, aunt with pennises on them.. (yes, I repeat it a lot cause I want to be clear and face my trouble instead of hidding it).

I'm amazed of how I turned into such a non human thing, I feel like an evil person, not talking about the porn only. Just because I meet success in life, I'm a strong man physically and mentally. I have a good place even if I'm not really an intellectual. But as I said, once I'm alone, the "real" me takes over and it brings only void and loneliness.

I think that my porn addiction is strong enough to match with my personnality to make me alone. I mean, I can spend hours watching porn, I don't the time going away. I don't see it going away so bad that it's been years now and I've missed so much in my life cause of my lack of connexion with the real world.

I don't want to be a heartless robot anymore, I want to become human and beat the shit out of me instead of the meat.

Thanks for your support, it goes straight to my heart.

 

@Buzz Lightyear I don't know if I will ever contact her again. She is living an happy life with a nice dude. It's been years now. In the ends, we both can live without each other. Maybe that I will write her a letter once I feel totally fixed. I don't know. One thing is sure, she is part of people that would never knew that I would change that much. (it simple, absolutely no one including me whould have know).

@ShockTheSystem Sometimes, I think about it and wonder if it is really unhealty or not. Since I used to be an useless piece of shit, living with my parent's money, doing nothing but drinking alcohol and partying and then changed so hard to I have fixed my life enough to be acclaimed (I don't feel this being justified but whatever). My dad call me the prodigal son.

It is also kind of "funny".

Actually, I'm building a stack of reasons to not give up.

So yesterday, I have (re)watched the movie "Dear John" to remind give me motivation. I relate to the story so much (at least one good part).

My father and me had no connection at all for years. I hated him. Maybe that could explain why I loved my mother so much and faped to her.. whatever.

In the movie,

Spoiler: The plot

John is a soldier (I am not), a strong boy that used to be a little thug. Savannah is a beautiful little blonde girl, she is an idealistic person and can not hate people. John's father is "special". They have not talked for years even if they live together. Once John and Savannah broke up, John realise that the only person that was always there for him was his father. John says he is sorry for his past behavior and tell his father that he was the last thing he thinked about when he was about to die after being shot. His father takes his hand and both makes peace with each other. Savannah pursued her life and married a nice guy but could never forget John because he was the first one. John also never forgot Savannah because she was also his first love that "taught him how to love".

I do relate to this movie as hell.

Well, for sure, John is waaaaaay more heroic than I am (I'm just not heroic at all).

Once my GF left for a better life and found a nice guy, I pursued my life of darkness for months. One night, I was so drunk that I jumped for fun into the water cause I wanted to feel something. It was not a suicid attemp. I was (still) retarded. I wanted to cross the river of the city that kill each years a lot of people. I wanted to face the danger and fell something. But the water was stronger than me, I got stuck.

There were so many people that night on the border screaming for me to come back but I could not.

My cloths were so heavy in the water, I remember feeling my shoes pulling me to the bottom of the river. The flow was to violent for me to come back.

So I accepted my situation and felt so sad and understood that I was going to die. I was watching the border and looked at a light that was shinning and said to myself "is this really how am I going to die ? I don't want to die" and before my head goes under the water, I tought first about my GF and then, my last tought goes to my parents.

Believe me or not but what happened next was a miracle, I am atheist but even police and doc said that I should feel extremly lucky to be able to survive this.

I was so tired that I could not swin, my head did goes under the water, I had my eyes plain open. It was so cold, so dark.

Then I don't know what happened to me, something like a violent river flow pushed me away from the typhoon and gave me a chance to swim again.

I don'tk remember for how long I've stayed under the water but once I was able to breath I tought about nothing than surviving and tried as hard as I could to swim out of the water and I did it.

At this moment, something inside me got fixed up. I felt alive and I was thankful to life to let me live, to let me know what I needed to -> That I wanted to live.

Well, after this, cops arrested me but they were nice to me, which fixed another thing cause a cops once hitted me really hard in the face after I've surrendered and it broke my ego down and made me hatefull to society. Cops sent me to the hospital to keep me safe for the night and test if I was drunk.

I had something like 3 gram/ blood L which could have caused me coma éthylique or hypothermia.

Doc told me that I should feel lucky and enjoy life now cause many of people died for less than that.

My dad had to come and get me. Habitually, it was my mom that took care of me but she was not there. When the doc said that only my dad answered and he is coming for me.

I was waiting him, I was thinking that he would beat the shit out of me even if he did not hitted me for years.

Once he was there, he gave me cloth, they were not mine because he do not know anything about me, so he just gave me what he found.

He said nothing.

We left the hospital.

In the car, after minutes of silence. I told him that I was sorry, that I'm a bad son.

And he just said "I am sorry".

I have cried so hard, this is unbelievable and I'm also crying writting this down. This day, my father and me made peace after a life of distance.

He said that he would told my mother cause I wanted it to be secret.

After 2 years, my mom told me that one day he told her what happened and cried a lot thinking it was it's fault because, when I was depressed that my GF left, he told me to throw myself into the river instead of crying, but I did not did that cause of him.

Since my dad said he was sorry, my long life depression did goes away and never returned. I was still sad and alcoholic but I knew that would do everything to fix myself. So I've cried for hours, days, weeks, months and years but I finnaly overcomed all of the pain to become a better person.

I love my life and I will never stop loving it.

So, yes, I definitely think that my love for that girl is healty and I don't need any validation to be sure about that. Because it is a part of me, a good one, a part that I love, a part that helps me being a nice person.