My history

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by JMSF, Jun 18, 2018.

  1. JMSF

    JMSF Fapstronaut

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    I discovered my addiction about five years ago. I was already married and that was the first time I killed my wife. I can’t imagine the pain she felt with all the years of lies. I looked for professional help, but got very little. That was a troublesome time and in the end I felt I had the right to do what I wanted and that my wife was too harsh.

    A few years passed. During this period I told her that I did use it anymore (which was a lie). Eventually she found out and said “enough is enough”. That was the second time I killed her. I once again looked for professional help I had a better understanding this time. I also encountered this site, which helped a lot. After my 90 days rebooting period I found myself in peace with myself and my wife and I got back together.

    But this is not a happy story. My addiction was still a difficult topic to grasp, and she offered her support, but I, in my selfishness, thought I was strong enough to deal with alone. Eventually I got curious about those beautiful women in the media. I know that’s all bullshit, but I still wanted to know the full extend of their bodies, i. e., their nudity. So I searched for them. I fooled myself thinking that this was not porn, so it was fine. Of course, my wife found out and, obviously, felt betrayed again. That was the third time I killed her.

    That’s where I’m at. My wife does not believe in anything I say anymore. She asks for the truth, but when I tell her, she doesn’t believe in it. I have a felling that I do more harm than good to her and, therefor, should leave for good, but I feel that would be the way of a coward and I’m sick of being coward.

    She blames herself. She somehow thinks the fault is hers, which is absurd. I am the one to blame. The fault is mine and mine alone. And all the harm I’ve done is the burden I’ll carry. But I know that I have the power in me to make her life good, as she deserves. She doesn’t deserve what I’ve done to her, and that’s is exactly the reason I have to correct things and I believe I finally know how: my addiction is stronger than me, so I need her help to overcome it. I’ll do that by being absolutely true about everything. I’ll let her inside my demons, inside the darkness that lives inside me and I hope this will give us peace.
     
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  2. Bobbyf76

    Bobbyf76 Fapstronaut

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    sorry to hear about where you're at with your wife, but it could be a blessing. sometimes we have to get to our lowest to begin to rise up and overcome it. thats what happened to me. my wife didnt believe anything that came out of my mouth. its a little better now, but we still have a long way to go. im currently 75 days clean. one thing that i believe will help in your marriage is total transparency. dont hide anything you do, but also dont hide anything youve done. itll hurt her, but it will help build some trust back up. confess everything. tell her when youve had an urge to look at porn. tell her evrything you can possibly think of about your history with porn, and when youve told her everything you can think of about your past with porn, take some time to think of more. if you can confess everything youve done to her, it will help lay a foundation for trust. its not easy, and its not quick, but it is possible. come clean about everything. ask her if theres anything she might want to ask you about. dont sugarcoat anything. be straightforward clear and honest. it might also help to have her come to this site and take a look around. read some stories of other addicts. there is also a forum for people who are the SO of a PA and that could help her not feel alone in this, and maybe help her understand how and why we are addicts, and that it had/has nothing to do with her. goodluck, and dont give up. feel free to message me if you have any questions or just want someone to talk to.
     
  3. JMSF

    JMSF Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your words, Bobbyf76. That's the main reason I come here: as a support group, hearing the stories helps me a lot and I hope my story may help someone as well.

    This was a rough week. I had a lengthy talk with my wife, and I believe I finally made her understand what my problem is: an addiction. Her mood improved a lot since that talk and we are getting along fine.

    I had an appointment today with a therapist. I can explain why, but I had a feeling that this one will be able to help me. She said that many people, in my situation, would’ve given up, because of all the effort already put in. In response, I said that the previous professional help I got wasn’t enough and to get clean I needed more help.

    In the end that’s the point: I’ll always have my difficulties and anything can trigger a relapse, so I have to ever be vigilant, so it does not happen.
     

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