Dealing with feeling used

Hey there. Lowly little me again. This is long, probably triggering so watch out for that, slightly rambly too. Just need some advice.

TL;DR what am I to do when I feel like I'm just an object from which pleasure can be derived if posed and utilized correctly? I feel I have no other choice but to succumb to his every sexual whim and fancy lest I let his special girls from this website take my place better than I can. I feel like if I speak my mind or say my opinion or my desires - whether that's wanting or NOT wanting sex, he'll despise me and go to his girls who never turn him down and always seem to be doing exactly what it is he wants at all times. Hell, I feel like I can't even converse with him anymore without him, "well actually"-ing me, let alone hold his attention. I feel like I'm just the next best thing to his phone and computers at all times. A temporary replacement. Without or without the P of this website.

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It's been a few weeks since some stuff went down. I'm not feeling super great and lately I'm not feeling 100% satisfied. I haven't always been 100% satisfied by the sexual intimacy of my relationship, as we've had our ups and downs. Basically, while he was using, he was using me as another way to masturbate more or less. I'm turned on, so take your clothes off and do what I want kind of thing. No real reciprocation, and if so, half-hearted at best. I kind of wrote it off as maybe he just needed me so badly he couldn't help it, but deep down it felt weird and wrong and sometimes a little forced if I wasn't exactly feeling it, but I felt I had to play the part of the sex toy or else I'd willingly be letting what I knew was happening behind my back continue to happen. As it stands now, he's gotten better with it. Things have been better. More enjoyable. Less painful during and afterward. Until yesterday.

I dunno if you've ever had a 24-hour sickness, but those things sneak up on you fast. You wake up in the morning feeling relatively fine and by the end of the night you're curled up in a couch in two layers of clothing - one of which is a sweatsuit - wrapped in a Snuggie and all available bedding and STILL shivering. That's what happened to me yesterday.

Here's the thing: I started to feel sick after my boyfriend and I had a nice relaxed date. My throat started to feel irritated and a little swollen, and when we got home we were sweaty and in need of a shower. I might mention that PIV was off the table as I'm menstruating at the moment. I let him shower first because I use a lot of hot water. He got out and started to get grabby, and while it felt nice and good and all that, I just really wasn't feeling well and just wanted to shower and lay down and rest. So I went and showered, and the steam kind of helped my throat some. He hadn't gotten dressed while I showered and I knew what that meant but I just... didn't feel like I had an option or an outlet to even say the slightest disagreement. I asked him to make me some tea for my throat. I hoped that'd get my point across. It didn't. I ended up giving him a blowjob anyway. I wasn't at my best. I could have done so much better. My zeal wasn't in it. It kind of hurt and definitely irritated my throat more. But I didn't dare say anything lest I am just a bad girlfriend complaining about doing my part to keep the P out of our relationship.

I don't know what to do. This is the first time in months I've forced myself to want what he wants. But in my past experience, once it starts, I just have to keep doing whatever. And if I don't, well... yeah. I just don't know what to do. "No" is not an option or else I'm a bad girlfriend.

 

I already am in therapy.

 

I don’t really understand how this is enabling.

 

I can say the word “no,” yes, but the second I do is the second I allow him to outsource my “job” as his girlfriend.