Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

DAY 140:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• My husband has been honest with me in general...
  Lie Dates: 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night he said this Father's day, spending time with his girls, getting those gifts - really showed him, well - reminded him, that everything he needs/wants is right in front of him and this is what he is fighting for with this recovery. I keep thinking though, it's been here, all along, for 12 years man - 12 long, excruciatingly long years... anyway, then we started talking about everything else... although I did suggest, well offered that we skip the talk and watch a movie instead since he was tired and it was his holiday, because we spoke in the morning and I didn't want to sour the mood with my earlier trigger and the topic that I knew would eventually follow that. He said no, it was fine, he wanted to talk. So we did talk, about my trigger, he claims he was "totally fine" and not uncomfortable about the neighbor in the short-shorts, but I don't think so. Then I brought up something that's been popping in and out of my head, I recall somewhere between our 2-3rd year anniversary we were discussing "if we get to 10 years, we should get new rings and do a vow renewal on a cruise ship and have the captain officiate it!" and I remember my afterthought now is, thank goodness we never did it, especially knowing now, what I do, I would have regretted it tremendously. I don't think at this point, I would ever want to renew our vows, not anymore, not after the sham our last ones turned out to be (for one of us at least) I don't think I'd be comfortable in that scenario, probably because it would trigger me now. I know, "sensitive" but even when I listen to our first dance or last dance song, it makes me sad, as I sing out the lyrics in my head, ironically when I use to look at our wedding photos I USED get giddy, now I feel nothing, just empty, like looking at a stock photo of a random wedding bride and groom - it's a weird feeling, hard to describe because it varies so much, the type of trigger I get, between photos vs songs vs videos, I think the songs mess me up the most because I actually took the time to listen to the words and I picked songs based on them, for us, so maybe that's why it hits me harder. I told him I was sorry this depressing conversation was ruining the mood of the day, he said it was fine, he was happy that I was still talking to him.

This morning when we walked, I reminded him that, the more he gets distracted when I am in the middle of a serious talk with him, the less likely I will keep opening up to him. It's one thing if we are talking about a TV show or game, then he says "hey look at that bird over there!" VS if I'm in the middle of breaking down a painful trigger... like I keep telling him, there is a time and a place for everything, there are only so many passes I can give him, you know? It is hard enough for me to fight my life-long instinct to bottle up my feelings, instead of talking/dealing with them -- so when I FORCE myself to go there with him, to let it out, then he gets distracted, which interrupts me, my train of thought and honestly tells me that he just doesn't give a flying fuck about what I'm saying, it turns me off from wanting to keep doing it, period. If I stop opening up to him, it will stall our growth as a couple, which is something he doesn't want, so it's really up to him.

Later that day we stopped by the hospital, Wade had to get his right knee MRI'd and I was going to stop by and visit my dad. As soon as the elevator door opened on the radiology floor, there was an ogling "threat" for him/trigger for me, right there - front and center, plump ass in yoga pants and all, prime "ogle material" for him and to add icing to this cake, she apparently had ants in her fucking pants and couldn't sit her ass down, so she kept walking back and forth, I felt like I was being punished for something. I felt so relieved when I heard the nurse call his name, he went to get the MRI done, I bounced and went to visit my dad for the remainder of the time. I had to put my trigger on "hold" and turn on "actress mode", which is probably why I've had a huge headache all day long. I'm so tired of all this shit. Like for real.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Walked 5 rounds today, woot!

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DAY 141:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• My husband has been honest with me in general...
  Lie Dates: 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night we continued to talk about how his constant distractions during important talks could hinder our progress as a couple, he said he will try his best to work on that. He wants to not only work on himself but he wants to make this marriage work. He also said that he hopes, to get to a point, well for me to get to a point, where I would want to renew our vows, but I don't know - I think hearing vows coming out of his mouth, no matter how much he changes, would trigger me to remember how much he disregarded the vows he made to me - the first time around. He hopes to change my mind, he's hoping that I'm still thinking like this because it has only been 4 months, we'll see. I told him though, let's not worry about renewing vows, before we know if we are even staying married passed two years at this point. I know most of it is up to him, but because of that very point and based on past history, anything is possible. Then I mentioned I received a steampunk corset, apart of an outfit I'm putting together for comic con and he said "let's see it, go put it on" lol I went to put it on and he followed me, let's just say he was way more excited then I was and well, didn't let me take it off for a while... we had to lock the door.

Today when we dropped off the little one at daycare, we picked up my best friend, she walked/talked with me for like 6 rounds as Wade sat there fishing and smoking his pipe. We haven't spoken, this much since October, with kids, life and stress in the way. It was nice catching up and just talking girl stuff, not so much about my drama, for once lol ironically she told me about her boyfriend of 10 years, having ogling issues and how it has been killing her self-esteem and I confided in her, that I can relate, I've never admitted this to anyone ever before... her reaction: "WHAT? you? whoa" and I'm like, "yep, me". Then she goes "Wow, I would have imagined after two kids, especially girls, he'd stop looking at other women, I guess men don't change" and I just replied: "no, they don't, not with age, relationship status, how much you love them or anything - they are all the same, all of them" I didn't say anything about the PA or cheating though, admitting the ogling was hard enough for me. She paused, in shock, then we talked some more about how men are just jackasses for all the crap they put us through. Then we talked about my lack luster body image and she told me "you look great, what are you talking about, you look like you did 10 years ago right now!" and I'm like "dude, I have stretch marks now" and she's like "who cares, at least you don't have implants up top or on the bottom!" then she reminded me about all the guys that use to swarm me, how many of them would have gladly taken Wade's place in a nanosecond, if only given the chance. That kind of helped boost my self-esteem if only for a few minutes, I guess because it took my mind to a different moment in time, when I was in better shape, mentally - that's the girl I want to be again, 2003 Jen. She doesn't know ALL of it, everything I've been put through. If she did, she would probably throw all of the advice I've given her over the years, right back in my face... "are you nuts? just leave him, you will find someone better!". yep, I was that friend, the bluntly honest one, who told it like it is, not the sugar-coated PG version. We "revisited" a lot of memories, that was so nice, me and Wade don't have that kind of history and whenever I talk about things of the past with him, or even with someone else and he is around - often times he totally tunes it all out, because he doesn't give a shit, he wasn't there, he doesn't know the people referenced, so I get it. As many issues as I've had with her, it's still nice to catch with someone who has known you, since you were 9 years old, hopefully, we can do it more often, I need these kinds of mental breaks from my reality.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Being nostalgic with my friend, reminded me how many guys use to chase me, gave me a little temporary confidence boost... something I needed.

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DAY 142:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• My husband has been honest with me in general...
  Lie Dates: 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night we continued to talk about what my best friend and I discussed (what I wrote about in my last entry). I to him, what I told her was my perspective on what really gave him his "aha moment(s)" that really helped him become aware of his severe problem with ogling. The first one was at UNO's when he had a moment of self-reflection, as he sat across from me, ogled a woman's ass as she walked by, I gave him a nasty look like "really?!", he instantly shook his head "no!!", I nodded "YES" and since I was on the phone, he had a few seconds to decide: to continue to gaslight me or admit he did it and apologize, that was when he decided to become aware of his ogling and control it. The second was at the mall, when he was faced with himself, not literally but in essence - he witnessed another dad, with a stroller (his wife and kid were in the restroom), ogling me as if he hadn't seen a women in 15 years, even with Wade standing next to me, with my daughter there too etc -- it was like a pathetic look in the mirror, a big wake up call. I think he agreed with me, that those two moments were quite significant. I also told him it was really refreshing to just remember and share memories with my friend, about the girl I used to be, the one I wish I still was, the undamaged one, the confident one, the one who was happy. I don't know if it was all the trips down memory lane (talks throughout the day with my best friend, the nostalgia, memories etc.,) that sparked this/put me in a better mood/mindset, but a few times, as I was laying on the loveseat as we spoke out on the balcony and wade kept saying "wow, you're so beautiful" and "I only want you" - as he has done a few times before, I almost believed him. Then we went and watched some TV, he gave me a nice foot rub, which I loved because my friend and I walked 5 miles and my feet were killing me!! after the show ended, he says, hop on over to the bed for a back rub, to help relax you, so you can sleep better tonight. That was so sweet and thoughtful because last night he wouldn't be laying down with me, because he'd be staying up later, making it more difficult for me to fall asleep. He wanted to be a gentleman and end it at that, which was sweet, but, I wanted more. #SorryNotSorry

This morning, we didn't really have too much more to say, we talked a little bit more about the same topics. I guess I did get a little bit deeper into the fact that, I still can not believe that I actually admitted to my friend that my husband has been ogling and how much it has hurt me. That I shattered the picture-perfect image of my "family" that I have been presenting for over a decade to everyone else. It just feels so weird to have done that, so unlike me and I kind of feel the sensation of "regret" for doing it, because it ruins that image, blah, it's embarrassing I guess. I know it seems stupid, but that's just how I am.

Another thing my friend and I spoke about for a while was working on ourselves - she asked me, how I was able to accomplish all that I have this time when it never worked before? I told her that my approach is different now. I think I've been going about it the right way this time. No more gimmicks, fads, trendy diet plans, depriving myself of things I enjoy or other crap - just steady diet, exercising and that's all. In the past, I would cut myself off from all my faves (depending on the diet) either Pepsi, or Pasta, or Rice or whatever -- now, I eat what I want just small portions, I let myself have some Pepsi, like 4 oz/day, then I don't crave it or binge on it, I can even go days without it. When I cut myself off completely, all I think about is having tons of it. Same goes with exercise, I never enjoyed it, in fact, I HATED it, but believe it or not Pokemon GO, got me walking, A LOT, I wasn't even paying attention to how many miles I was walking, because I was so busy with the game. Now, I can walk up to 5-6 miles and keep going, without any issues, in 90-degree weather. What I didn't add was, a big kick in the butt for me also was... the prospect of having to get back into the dating pool at 35 years old, I needed to get myself feeling and looking presentable enough for that too, but she doesn't know that little tidbit, so I didn't mention it.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I've been watching and reading a lot of Jay Shetty material, I really like what this guy has to say, he inspires me.

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Wow, just watched this 3-minute video by Jay Shetty... must watch for S.O's in my opinion, hits home.

 

Yes, I agree, inverting help's as well, I've noticed that as well. I wish I would have believed all this before, instead, I wanted quick results (overnight lol) so I was trying any fad I could, to ultimately fail and feel miserable and broke after.

 

DAY 143:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• My husband has been honest with me in general...
  Lie Dates: 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night we again talked about the usual topics, of days past. As we talked, he pulled his chair closer to where I was laying, leaned in, grabbed my hand and began apologizing for the years of hurt he bestowed upon me. For all of the pain he has put me through, expressing how much shame just thinking about it all brings him, I know he means it, now and is remorseful because he actually has a sense of empathy these days. I honestly do believe that he is sorry for it all, that he does regret it all, and if he could go back and change it all today, he would - but unfortunately, what's done is done, it was him, he did it and he, I, we have to live with the consequences of those actions for the rest of our lives... I just wish it didn't take him 12 years to get to this point of awareness, because even 5 years ago, a lot less damage would have been incurred, 12 years - that's a lot of time to endure emotional abuse. Facing all of this stuff is rough for me because I love him so much, more now then ever before because of this recovery and how we've been able to reconnect, even through all this pain, it's just all a tough pill to swallow, the harsh facts of our reality.

This morning on the way to dropping off our daughter at school I got triggered twice, one was a woman from our building that he ogled often, another was a mom dropping off her kids at school, but felt the need to dress as if she was trying to do an Instagram workout video. He claims he noticed but ignored the first one, the second he saw someone, but was too busy looking at a sports car - I find that very difficult to believe, seeing how she was his usual "prime" ogling material, in short-shorts and a super tight tank top - right in front of him, but whatever. Anyhow, then we went for our walk, that's where I brought up those triggers and where he told me, what I just posted. Then we talked about my triggers in general and I told him about one of the interesting questions I was asked on here, how do I cope with my triggers? so I've broken down my triggers into categories, sort of like salsa dips: Mild, Moderate and Hot. For the Mild ones, I can just roll my eyes and sort of brush them off and move on. Moderate ones, I need to center myself, breathe in and out, focus, calm myself a bit and usually within a few minutes it will pass. Hot triggers though, they are full on panic attacks, completely uncontrollable and once that ride starts, until it stops, no one is getting off. Hot ones, obviously are the worse, I hate them with every fiber in my body because I like being in control, I hate snapping at my kids for no reason etc., sometimes I can't help it, even if I try to, there's no rationalizing away one of those triggers, until it subsides on its own. Then we talked a bit about how I'm scared at some point he might fall back into his old ways because he'll get bored or complacent and he said, he's afraid of that too - which doesn't give me too much promise, because why would I want to risk everything again, only to end up right back where I started, just losing another, what 5 years? he says he wants to try to keep busy to make sure he doesn't get bored, but I don't know if that's realistic, so, that worries me and gives me more to think about as time ticks away.

At the end of the day, I don't want to get triggered by other women, I HATE it, I even preferred being numb to it like I was months ago because it just didn't matter anymore. I can't imagine dealing with this shit for the rest of my life, I think it might just drive me fucking crazy. I know some people thrive on the drama it brings, not me, I prefer less drama, I avoid it at all costs. That's why it scares me, a lot - to not know if it will ever stop, or get better, to wonder if I can ever attain this sense of "security" that I am seeking out, what I want, what I've never really had with my husband, is it even achievable at all with him specifically? because thinking back - I never really had it with him to begin with, not even when we were dating, his eyes were always wandering, all the time, I was just too stupid to notice all those red flags back then. It puzzles me to think that the only way for me to have that kind of security is through a fresh start with someone else, someone who hasn't given me any reason to doubt their intentions/desire/want/interest in me. However, by gaining that sense of security, I could potentially be losing this deep connection, intimacy, and love, which may never be replicated again -- although, with my husband, even that is not guaranteed to stay either way, because there's always a risk that he'll go back to his old ways... this is one of the biggest internal battles going on in my head, it's like WW3 in there. All I know is, I want to be wanted, I need to feel wanted, I want to feel like I am the only girl in the world by the person I am with, because after 12 years of feeling like I was a nobody to my special somebody, it's now my turn to be selfish, I want it to be about me, for once.

My heart says one thing, my mind says another, nothing makes sense to me anymore - everything was so clear four months ago.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Finding Strength in Difficult Times #ThanksJayShetty.

Watch:

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DAY 144:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• My husband has been honest with me in general...
  Lie Dates: 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night we talked about my concerns and fears, pretty much taking over my mind these days, he tries to reassure me and calm me by reminding me that it's still early in his recovery and my healing, that all of this takes time. I'm still scared. I have my reasons, I've listed them many times here. Then we went into the bedroom, he turned on some music and we danced, it was sweet... one thing led to another...

This morning during our talk I brought up something that has been on my mind and I have been struggling with - bringing it up to him or not. Initially, I didn't want to, actually, I've been putting it aside for a while and not just because "I prefer not to talk about it" but because I want this recovery to be done, how he wants to do it, without my influence so to speak. I want him to show me, how much effort HE is willing to put it, how much it's all worth to him. The last few weeks, it feels like most of our talks have focused mostly on me and my issues, not him and his. He says it's all related, and perhaps in a way it is, but we should both be opening up, but at the end of the day it is still primarily his recovery - not mine, he can't afford to get complacent, not on this, because any setbacks, could lead to slip-ups and eventually he could just fall back into his old ways which of course directly affect me/us too. So far, the first month was his best, he was energized, hyped, excited, doing new things, watching videos, reading articles... and it has slowly digressed since then, randomly going up and down, depending on the circumstances of the day. He has gotten complacent, he is totally okay with doing the bare minimum that is required to just get by (No PM, NoFap Journal, Talk with me) and I know that's easier for him and it's how he goes about, most things in life, he admits it himself - but with this type of recovery (or any I guess) complacency opens the door for big trouble. I don't want to be the only one really putting in the work on trying to learn ways to fix/heal myself, while he isn't doing his part. You can't tell me that on one hand "recovery is a lifelong battle, that I'll have to fight every day of my life, so you'll have to understand and live with that if you stay with me" and then, on the other hand, show me that now, suddenly, there's minimum work required to keep over a decade's worth of addiction in check, as if it's no longer a struggle or a fight - doesn't make much sense. This marriage won't ever be fixed, if his recovery isn't a higher priority, then say - catching up on his favorite tv shows, sorry but that's just a fact. I've noticed him going from reading recovery articles/watching recovery videos when he has a few spare minutes, to watching tv shows, in any spare minute he has at home or at work. Yes, we do our journals, talk daily, have been spending more time connecting with each other in various ways - which is GREAT, but that's not everything - that is most definitely not enough to save this marriage in two years, we have 12 years of severe damage to work through, to dig out of. We also need to work on our own shit too, him on his addictions/recovery and me on my healing/trauma, in order to become healthy mentally, as individuals and as a pair. So, while I, the 'technical' victim' of his PA, am finding any time I can to watch a 10 minute YouTube video, to perhaps learn something new about healing, PA/recovery/addiction, he is binge-watching seasons of dumb tv shows... then says he barely has time to get back to his AP's, because he is "so busy"... the effort he puts in, speaks volumes to me, it shows me A LOT more than then words he tells me. It goes back to my other point, about me feeling that he wants me, instead of just hearing him say it. Again, two different things -- actions/feelings/effort v. just more talk. I didn't want to tell him any of this, I was just watching it all as it happened, taking mental notes as I usually do. I decided to fight my urge to "let him figure it out/let it be what it was going to be" and just be blunt and come out with it all, it's not like I have much else to lose these days. All I can say is, if this doesn't change, I'm going to also put in the same amount of effort, which will mean instead of trying to learn more about healing, myself, our relationship, understanding more about his conditions - I'm just going to skip all that and just focus on catching up on Supernatural, Handmaiden's tale and various other shows I could be watching instead... which will just mean these two years will fly by and I won't get any better, he will be stuck exactly where he is, slowly slipping backwards as out connection fades away, and we'll just end up where we left off on Jan 28th, it will be over and I'll move on and he will too. Then he'll have plenty of time to watch his tv shows and then perhaps begin to wonder if all that time spent "back then" was worth it, or would it have been better spent on working on himself and us, when he had the chance, time and opportunity to show me that WE were worth the effort.

Then again, maybe I won't stop working on fixing myself, one way or another, with or without him - I need to make myself better, for me, for my girls. I need to set right, all the fucked up shit that has been done to my brain and get it back in working order. I need to be my own hero, no one else can save me, I have to always be prepared to save myself.

Again, I don't want to shit on all of the hard work he has been putting in, because compared to what he was doing for 12 years, which was umm, nothing, all of it pales in comparison. I a PROUD that he has steered clear of PM for over four months now. I am proud that even though he did lie to me, he was able to come clean to me about it - even one time is one more than ever before. I am proud that he talks to me every day and even when I am mad/triggered and don't want to, he makes it his freaking mission to make me do it either way, just so we don't miss a talk. I am proud that he has learned empathy and remorse. I am proud that he has set goals for himself and is accomplishing them. I am proud that he is finally aware of his ogling, what it has done to me and trying to control it. I am proud that he is aware of his compulsive lying and is trying to fight it. I am proud of him for acknowledging his mistakes and apologizing for them, instead of just looking for excuses or gaslighting me. I'm proud that he's learning to really understand music/lyrics, like I do, having fun with looking for quotes with meanings... I'm proud that he is noticing my moods, paying attention to my emotions, trying to give me attention, making me happy in ways that, well only he knows how. There is a lot to be proud of, he has achieved a lot of great feat's and I am, so proud of him, he knows it and I tell him constantly that I know how much more work (and effort) this recovery is turning out to be than we initially thought it would be, because there are just so many more layers involved - it's no longer 'just a PM' problem. That is why he can NOT afford to get complacent, not for a minute, not so soon in recovery, there's no room "just getting by" "doing just enough" or "doing the bare minimum", at least not in my opinion.

When we got home, a bit late due to a pitstop a dunkin, I went to take a quick shower, I thought he would go straight to bed because we got home a little late... but he went to smoke his pipe, I was out by the time he came back in from the balcony. On the way back into the room, he says "remind me to bring up group message tonight, when we talk", I said, of course, I'll put a reminder in my phone for it. Then the little one was running around distracting me and I was working on a clients project and went about my business, as he walked into the bedroom to go to sleep, it was already 10 am by then, he could have been in bed earlier if he didn't waste time, but whatever. Everything seemed okay, then about 20 minutes later, I hear the toilet flush, I was like... hmmm, I thought he would have been passed out by now, odd, but ok, maybe he had to "go". I brushed it off, went back to my project, at 10:49 am, my client emailed me about a file, that I thought I saved on Dropbox, but instead saved on my Mac desktop, so I quietly went to the bedroom, so I can send that file to myself - there he was, JUST getting into bed... I was like "what are you still doing up?!" he said "I needed to shave", I said "but I heard you flush and get out of the bathroom like 20 mins ago", he said, "yea, I went back, because I needed to shave" ... usually he asks me how long I plan on taking in the shower if he needs to shave, so I shower faster, so he can get to sleep asap... so I found the fact that he wasted so much time before heading to bed (smoking), then in the bathroom, then suddenly after needing to get in the shower hmm, an interesting set of events on a day where he isn't off (so he can catch up on sleep later). However, I had to deal with my client and he needed to get to sleep at some point this morning, so I left. My mind though, it was all over the place, going crazy the entire time I was working and the whole day after. I could barely concentrate on anything. I was rushing through this project, like never before. I was putting pieces together in my head and ended up at the worst case scenario: 1) He told me he needs to tell me about a group message, so chances are, one of his co-workers sent him a P image again. He brought it up to me, which is great, we couldn't discuss it right away because he had to sleep, but he noted it to me. 2) Last time he got a P image, it triggered him for two days, having thoughts of wanting to see more. 3) Maybe when he went to the bathroom, for legit 'use', the P image was still on his mind... he was fighting his urge, tried to leave... 4) Unlike the last time though, he decided it "fuck it", jumped in the shower, M'd and relapsed? -- I don't know, my mind has been spinning all day. I even left him a note by his bedside asking him if he relapsed, and if he did - to just please be honest with me. Once he finally woke up, came out and asked me what I was talking about... I told him and he assured me that he did not M or relapse, that the group message was about something else, not P or M involved at all. I believe him, I just explained to him, how the chain of events that preceded my, I guess "trigger"... led me onto this assumption. He understood and was sorry for how it all happened. He said the group message, was actually something else, someone said something about a group text and asked him if he got it, when he said no, the guy said "aren't you on the group text?" and Wade said "No, I asked to be removed months ago" the guy asked him why and he said, out loud infront of like 5 of the other guys that, aside from the annoying nonstop notifications, sometimes he has his phone out on the table and he doesn't want to risk any of the P images popping up and one of our girls seeing them. That was a good excuse and I'm glad a few of the guys heard it. Proud of him for that.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
As much as I didn't want to bring up, what I wanted him to figure out, I did so anyway.

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DAY 145:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• My husband has been honest with me in general...
  Lie Dates: 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night we talked about what has been on my mind and what I have been struggling with. I already wrote in yesterday's post, what my struggle was, I want to see him fighting. Well, I want to see the fire in him, what I mean is how much fight does he feel he needs to put in, how much effort? what is it all of this, we, us, I - worth to him? but I need to see it coming from him -- of his own free will, not because I reminded him to do so. This recovery is his prerogative and he is only going to put in, what he is willing to - no more, no less. The real question is, what is it all worth to him? how much fight/energy/power is he willing to put in - when he is not reminded? how much does he even want to put in? because up to now, it's still unknown to me, since I have to keep casual nudging him about his recovery, because he keeps slowing down/slacking (something I do not want to do)... and that's not a step in the right direction if one of his goals is to save this marriage. This has to come from his heart, no one else can do this for him.

Today we walked and spoke about last night, that I still feel off, odd and blah about bringing it all up. It's not in my nature and I feel out of whack for doing it, as I have many times in the last four months, about other things such as openly discussing my pain or triggers. I don't want to nanny his recovery and by telling him my concerns, I feel like I overstepped somehow. He told me "no", he doesn't feel like I'm being overbearing, but instead and he appreciates it because he knows that I am actually doing it from a place of love, like giving him a helpful reminder that if he doesn't step up his game, all will be lost. But I guess, my feelings are mixed and a lot of it still stems from my own urges and internal battles. Then he told me about some notices at work and a peculiar thought he had during one of the incidents. He said there was a big chested woman walking by and his coworker pointed her out to him and said "did you see those?!" and he said, "no, so what" and the coworker said something like "they were huge, man, I'd love to lick them". Mind you, this coworkers wife just had a SECOND baby, anyways, so Wade says to me, you know what thought ran through my head, the minute he finished that last sentence? I almost gagged, because I knew what he was about to say - "I thought, what the hell did he think what he met YOU? obviously, he wouldn't tell me since your my wife and I never thought about it back then, but there were plenty of times he was around you and your big boobs". I legit felt nauseous, but yea that clicked in my head as soon as he was telling me all that, cause yes, my 'girls' are big and everyone, always looks and it's annoying.

On another, non-PA related note, Wade and I started watching "Gordon Ramsay's 24 Hours to Hell and Back", he had to leave to work but we started the first 10 minutes of episode two. It's about a failing Cajun restaurant in New Orleans "The Old Coffee Pot"... after watching the conditions this restaurant was in, OMG I'm afraid to eat anywhere LOL I still will, but holy shit!? does anyone else watch!??? ugh. Mice, Roaches, Ants, "Cooks" licking plates... in and out of the kitchen, on and off the food, prep area's, even in the toasters -- like WTF!

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Inspired by a 30 second Jay Shetty video, I took 30 minutes today - while the little napped, put my headphones in, laid on the couch and just listened to some oldies.


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DAY 146:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• My husband has been honest with me in general...
  Lie Dates: 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night we discussed how he needs to step up his game, with his recovery if he wants to show me, what this is all worth to him. Half-assing it or doing the "bare minimum" won't cut it, not for this. So far, he's been doing more, I haven't been asking him, but he has been coming to me with information about video's he has seen. He has been telling me a lot of interesting facts, perspectives, and information he has learned which is WONDERFUL and exactly what I've wanted to see him doing this whole time, but he wasn't. I don't want him to think he needs to do this 24/7, but something is still better than nothing. Of course, I still have that gnawing feeling in my gut, for bringing all of this up in the first place - I don't want to police his recovery, that's not my role and I don't want it to be my job. He even admitted to me that when I first mentioned it, his initial thought was "oh god, here we go again" or something like that, but then after thinking about it, he thought "no, she's right, I should be doing more". This is really difficult for me - all of it, his recovery, my healing, our relationship, the unknowns, what-ifs, challenges etc. I want him to succeed more than anything (sometimes, because of my nature, I care more about him beating this than my own healing), I just love him so much and I want the best for him, even though he hurt me so bad, for so many years. Even if we don't end up together, I still want him to be a better man, for himself and our children. I don't want to see him spiral down a bad path, especially since it took him so long to even turn in this positive direction. I want to be there for him, I don't mind helping and doing anything and everything I am capable of to make this easier for him... but I am not going to baby him. So, in other words, I don't want to tell him what to do, I don't want to give him a "list" of required tasks to complete, but if he genuinely comes to me, himself and asks for help, I will to the best of my ability. He also mentioned another video he watched, not about P, but about social media and our addiction to being online and devices, I asked him to send it to me, so I could watch it. I watched it before going to sleep.

When I woke up; well was woken up lol, I did quite a bit of reflecting about the short video I watched, in addition to the multitude of other videos I've been watching by Jay Shetty (inspiration/motivation). I decided that if we want to be better people to each other, we can not leave our kids out on the sidelines and ignore them because we're too distracted with this whole mess (recovery/healing/possible split). We can't let working on ourselves or our marriage mean putting our kids on the back burner. So, I made a list of "family time goals"/a schedule of sorts, that I want to incorporate into our everyday lives, an hour a day (at least) of real family time. If we found a way to make our daily talks happen, this will become our new normal - I want our girls to have good memories with us, not just ones of us yelling at them when they've done something wrong or because they are interrupting us while we're trying to write on NoFap #Guilty. Nothing too crazy but even 1 hour of dinner without anyone on any devices, but talking to each other, not at each other for once... movie night, arts and crafts night etc.

After he picked me up this morning, so we could go on our walk, he told me he had a bit of a struggle where he had an opportunity to do something, that he kind of wanted to do, had he done it though, he would have needed to (most likely chosen to) lie to me about, but instead elected to avoid it all together and just be honest with me. I appreciated that. Then he mentioned he has been watching a few P recovery videos on YouTube and found an interesting one about how Hentai, on how it really warps/rewires the brain, sometimes far worse than your run of the mill P, which by no means are they saying regular P is any better, just the way it changes your brain is different. I might ask him to share it with me, I would love to listen to it myself. Then I told him, I had some thoughts after the video I watched, it inspired me, I told him I made a list and I'd share it with him in the evening.

Then we got home, he went to sleep and I went on with the rest of my day. Around 3:15 PM, the 3-year-old got a fever, out of the blue. She was just sick two weeks ago, I gave her Ibprofephen and at 4:00 PM I woke up the Mr and told him - we're both bummed, his staycation is just starting and we made plans for so much family time (movies, zoo etc). We had made plans to go out to dinner as a family, we debated on whether to go or not because our 10-year-old was really looking forward to it. We went, we tried the no devices at the table method and it went WELL. We actually had a really good, heart-to-heart with our daughter and explained all of this to her, about trying to spend more device-free time together and breaking the addiction to devices. How we want to lead by example and how we want to help her break habits while it's still easier for her, now. She seemed to actually be excited about the list I made, I did take my phone out for a few seconds - so I could read my list to Wade and her. I hope we can implement this and make it work and become apart of our normal routine. I think it is important, not only for us as people but us as a family unit (bonding, togetherness, closeness etc).

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Inspired by a video @Wade W. Wilson shared with me, I made (literally wrote out) a plan to spend more family time, as a family - together, not just physically but mentally too. What I mean is, where all of us engage with each other, instead of sitting together, while we all play on our phones.

The video I watched:


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DAY 147:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• My husband has been honest with me in general...
  Lie Dates: 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night we actually talk about how great our device free dinner went and how we really want to implement this family time and make it our standard. We've let so much go these last few years, him with his PA and me, I guess with my pain and misery, I just wanted to be left alone. We've both neglected two very important people in our lives and that's unfair to them, we've given them so much freedom to play their tablets and watch tv - because it was the easier way out for us, so we could breathe. To be honest, I just wanted the time to wallow in my depression and him, well he didn't care much about me or them, either way. Now, both of us have been "woke", in essence - that no matter what, no matter where we stand, they need to feel no different, family time should still feel like family time and not an hour of us all in one room, but playing on our dedicated devices. It was so refreshing to actually talk to each other and listened for once. Then we talked a little bit more about the various videos we've been watching and what we've learned from them, him about PA recovery and me, about various forms of healing, inspiration, and motivation. My come away from the videos I've been submerging myself in is - I really need to get my shit together, I need to find myself again, the confident girl I once was, she has to still be in there - somewhere, maybe she's stuck under a huge steamin' pile of shit, and I have to find a way to get to her, so that I could grab her hand and pull her back out onto the surface. I think if I put in the work, I will find her, perhaps it will take a while, but at some point, I will. I just need to stay focused, on myself - for me, for once.

This morning Wade had to work, the little one was still sick, so I took her to the doctors (which, unlike most kids - she actually enjoys lol). Then I debated whether or not to leave her with my parents and go for a walk, or stay at home with her. I spoke to my mom and she said she would be okay if I kept it under 1-1.5hrs. So, I went for a walk, it was so nice, the weather was warm with a pleasant breeze, I did my rounds and listened to my tunes, it gave me some calm and peace. The serial ogler was there, with his wife at first, then he walked alone *sigh lol, now he says hi to me too, ai yai yai, I try not to pay them no mind, those 'oglers'. There was this one guy, he was doing circles in the opposite direction as me, but we kept meeting eye to eye, I know he was ogling me, but so some odd reason, this guy, in particular, he looked so familiar to me. Every time I saw him, it just kept making me think "where have I seen him before". I couldn't put his face to a place, but it was so weird, I really felt like I've met him before, he was smiling at me too, maybe he was thinking the same thing. I don't mean "seen him around here", either, but like from my past, maybe when I went to HS or lived in the City. I left before he did though, but I hate the "unfinished" business type of feeling lol grr. Anyway, the walk was much needed. I got to clear my head and get my exercise in for the day.

I got home, dealt with the kiddos. Hubs got back from work, we swung by Toys R Us to catch some last minute sales before they shut their doors forever. #RIP I did get triggered there, he didn't like the line we were in, so we move and like clockwork, standing there was his prime type, right in front of us at the cashier, yoga pants and all. Like I've mentioned before, I hate this shit. Anyway, finally got home and I get to rest. My feet are killing me from all the walking I did.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Had a legit excuse to skip my walk/exercise today, but I didn't - so I worked on me, no matter what.

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DAY 148:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• My husband has been honest with me in general...
  Lie Dates: 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night we discussed some annoyances about incoming guests, family that we have coming down for the week of fourth of July. We also talked about how this visit, plus his work schedule will make it difficult to keep up with our recover/healing work and talks. It won't be easy, but I think we will figure it out. Then he repeated how all of his viewpoints have been changing in the last few months, how everything is different - how he thinks, how he rationalizes everything, how he looks at me, it has all changed, especially how he feels about everything he has done in the last 12 years to me and in essence, us, our marriage and how because of all this, it is all on the brink... Then he also mentioned how now that he focuses less on ogling other women, that he is even noticing women ogling him, I found it funny, so I made a little sarcastic remark, "see, now you have nothing to worry about if we split up" - because he mentioned a few times "I have no game, who's going to want me now that I'm _____ and _____". Then he got serious and began talking about his true fear of never being able to really be honest with anyone else about this again, how he is with me. How he thinks if he does try being honest and keeps getting rejected, he will just go back to what is comforting to him: compulsive lying, so he would basically start any new relationship off, with a lie, not a good idea but at that point - it would be his business, not mine. He keeps reaffirming to me that, he does not want me to get the impression that the only reason he is trying to fix this (us), is because he is scared to move on, but I still think subconsciously, it plays a part, it has to. He says that he is afraid of losing what we have right now (deep intimacy and connection), he would feel lost without it, without me and then he asked me, wouldn't I miss it? it was an interesting question and I think my answer kind of threw him a bit because he misunderstood it at first. I told him, no, I wouldn't miss it, with someone else. What I meant was I would miss having this closeness with him, if I move on, because it has been so unbelievable, it's something I've been craving for years and never knew what it really was, until now... but I did survive over a decade without having it, you get used to that. So my point was, I would miss having HIM to talk to like we are now, I would miss this connection I developed with HIM but, if I move on and meet someone else, I would be okay without having this type of deep connection with THAT person. I think I explained it and he understood what I meant, afterward.

Having said all that, yes I love my husband, with all of my heart and I have since the moment I said YES to marrying, I gave him, literally all I had to give and I was true to my vows, through my loneliness, sadness, depression, and pain as I watched him, watching thousands of women daily... I never broke my vows, I stayed true to him. He can not say the same, he betrayed me with his eyes and other parts. I got to my breaking point, it took me a long time, but in January I decided to finally put myself first and break this cycle of sadness and find a way for me to happy. Ironically, he decided, to suddenly try recovery then too - first time, ever. So, we both began this journey, together [his PA recovery] and my healing]- we don't know if it will lead to a reconciliation of our marriage, or if we'll end up splitting as I originally planned for, in two years but with him recovered and me with some healing/closure. Thing is, there are so many "what-if's" and "unknowns" here. Thing is, I just don't know if I can get to a place where I will ever feel secure (even secure enough) with him as a partner, in the sense of when I go out, like feeling that he only wants and needs me, as if I'm the only girl in the world and he see's no one else, his eyes don't have the need to look at anyone else - at this point, I don't think it's possible, because I get triggered with or without him present. After 12 years of severe ogling, I know who he'd look at, what parts, which parts of which girl, who he'd notice first, second, third, who he would try to double back on, who he'd try to find a way to turn around to get more looks at etc - there's too much engraved in my brain, I can't stop it, once I see "her" or "them" it begins and he doesn't even have to be looking at that moment, but I know he would have and he would have LOVED it. Then, I don't know if or for how long he will be in recovery for... does he plan on sticking to this forever, or will he eventually get bored with it all and just go back to his old ways? he gets complacent and bored quickly, he's gotten "lazy" a few times already and it's only month four, that scares me too. There are so many circumstances and not enough time to iron everything out, but I've had 12 long years to mentally prepare myself for my exit, to finally find my happiness because I don't if the happiness I've felt with him, this "new guy" now, will last and I don't know if I want to risk my heart, yet again. I've been on this merry-go-round so many times with him before. It's scary as fuck. I really don't know what to do, my mind and heart are at huge odds.

Today started as a good day, we walked, talking about some new videos I watched and the weather was great, then spent some family time out, we went to see The Incredibles 2 with the kids, it was a great movie. Then we went to an outdoor shopping mall, walked around for a bit, now there, I was hit with multiple bad triggers and I had to keep my cool, which was fucking hard as shit to do. I know he noticed the women, there were a few of them. My parents and kids were with us, I tried to keep myself distracted with my phone, Pokemon Go has really been my saving grace with these triggers, I just look down and keep my eyes and mind focused on the game and just breathe. Inside I'm screaming: "FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK THESE FUCKING SKANKS", yea yea yea not such a "girl power" thing to say, but it's not necessary to walk around half naked either, just saying. Thing is I can't help but compare myself during these triggers too, so it's bad enough to have the anxiety attack, but then depression kicks in with "she is prettier, she has nicer boobs, I know he wishes I had her ass" and all that crap. I hate this shit, I HATEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE this fucking shit, omg, ugh. Ironically I started my day on a good note, but these damn triggers are the end of the day had to go and screw it all up, see this is what I was talking about.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
6 Minutes to Start Your Day Right, trying to make it a new mission.

GET INSPIRED TOO:
6 Minutes to Start Your Day Right


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I completely get it, it has been a total shit show. So difficult to go out and really enjoy anything, really. Even if I do, for a moment "get lost in some sort of good feeling", someone will pass by and BAM, someone will pass by and I'm thrown into a tizzy.

Thing is, I can say that my husband has gotten better with his ogling, however my triggers, they've gotten worse, the more connected we've gotten and I can't help it.

I notice more women now, then he claims to, that's the frustrating part for me.

@Penelope stay strong girl, all of this a tough pill to swallow. We will get through it, somehow, might take a while, but the day will eventually come.

 

DAY 149:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• My husband has been honest with me in general...
  Lie Dates: 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night we talked about my triggers from the outdoor mall and how they made me feel, as well as what goes through my mind as they occur. I didn't really want to go into it, but he insisted - I just don't think it makes a difference for him to know ALL of the details, you know the shitty mental process I go through, each time a trigger hits - it's not like he can stop it, if anything, every time he see's me go through a trigger, now it's going to make him feel even worse. I know what some of you might be thinking, "yea well, he caused them, so GOOD let him feel bad" but no, I'm not like that, I don't wish this kind of pain on anyone, I don't want anyone else suffering like this. Then we discussed various other topics, I won't rewrite it all here because I've posted them in other entries before. Afterward, he gave me a really nice back rub, my God I love his massages A LOT, to me, they are the best gift he could ever give me - 1) I love his touch and 2) because my back always hurts, I don't remember a day when it hasn't hurt. Then we went back out on the balcony and watched a twenty-minute video by JK Emezi about the dangers of Hentai PA, which sometimes could be much worse than just your run of the mill PA, he is not saying that regular PA is okay, but Hentai and how it rewires your brain desensitizes you in a much worse compacity. That video really opened both of our eyes, by the end of it, we had a lot of reflecting to do and so many questions that needed answers lol. We agreed on all of the points the JK Emezi made. Then it got us thinking... what about actual sexual fantasies, rather "turn-ons" that we have, that might be considered "taboo" for some, we enjoy exploring with each other... we have a lot in common when it comes to turn-ons, but if we do this stuff in a loving environment, shared only with each other - does that mean we should deny ourselves of all of those as well, even if it doesn't affect his PA? but it may have become a turn on, because of exposure to P at some point in his / or my life? (because if not for P, neither of us would have ever known about certain things) -- he's a PA but I am not, the same turn on(s) though. I don't know if I am making any sense lol. Anywaysssssss.

This morning, Wade took my dad out for a few hours of fishing, after dropping off the little one at daycare. To give my mom some much needed R&R from my dad and his nonstop complaining (retirement does that, folks). So, he dropped me off at the trail and I walked, alone and because I didn't have any "set time" to be home, because the little one was at daycare, I decided to walk 5 rounds and then back, a total for 5 miles. I'm in pain, yes but it was so worth it. It was peaceful, calm and I emersed myself in music and my own little world. Met a few of my local oglers on the trail, it has become comical at this point. No triggers or threats either, not one - which made it all so much better for me, it was actually relaxing, all the way through. The weather was on the cooler side, but I didn't mind because I was walking. My thoughts were random and all over the place, I thought about how these triggers are affecting me, how destructive they were to my mental state - just the emotional roller coaster that they instill on my brain and body, as they occur. How much I've changed over the years. I thought about where I a few months ago vs now. Then I had to think about, what a possible divorce would mean for my girls, how it might affect them now, in the future - would it change them? could this marriage be saved? is it possible for me to "get better", will there be significant enough change in me (and him) in 1.5 yrs, for me to even reconsider not-leaving? or will he decide to say "fuck it all" in 6 months and none of this will even matter? I just don't know and all of these thoughts, are constantly running through my head. Either way, the walk was great, I needed it. All I know for sure is, I need to keep on working on myself, for me, I need to get myself -- where I want to be, mentally and physically, it will take a lot of time and effort, but I'm in it for the long haul, I can't run from myself after all - I must, no I need to, learn to love myself, once again.

The rest of the day was relaxing, the older one was with my mom most of the day, it was a lazy day of doing nothing... I like days of doing nothing!

The video we watched, for anyone interested:


What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Walked for 5 miles today, alone - 2 hours of - me time.

GET INSPIRED:
Love Yourself


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Oh, me too and I HATE IT.

 

DAY 150:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• My husband has been honest with me in general...
  Lie Dates: 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Whoa, 150 days, hot damn, who would have thought? neither of us that's for sure. I was shocked when he got to 30 days, then floored when he went 90 without PM... but 150, never would have believed it a few months ago. There have been plenty of bumps, but still, 150 days is quite an accomplishment, one more month and he'll be at 6 months! I am so proud of him, I know this isn't easy but he is doing it, one day at a time. Good job babe!

This morning we drove our daughter to daycare and spent the ride back, having a talk, because I knew I would be busy working all day. We talked about my triggers and my fear of not having a reference point in our relationship to point back to and say "this is how I want to feel again", because sadly I never felt secure, because no matter at what point of our relationship (dating/engaged/married) we were in, where we were, or who we were around, his eyes were always on other women, I never felt like I had his sole focus/attention or was "the only girl in the room", not to him - so, how will I know if that starts to change for me? I'm just not sure. He also wants me to tell him the details of my triggers, but I don't want to burden him with my bullshit, it's always the same shit all the time, painful, depressing and all it's going to do is upset him and slow down his progress, in my opinion. I don't know what it will take to make me feel that sense of calm and security or how long it may take for that matter (if it's even possible?!), to have that feeling that I need to have in order to even consider staying in this relationship, because without it, I don't think I could continue living the rest of my life always wondering and feeling like I am in constant competition with every single woman in the room, all the time, it's exhausting and extremely emotionally draining - it would make me miserable and suck the life out of me, a feeling I know all too well, it's how I've felt for the past 12 years. Something I no longer want anymore, I just want to spend the rest of my life being happy, wanted and in a 100% honest relationship, with a loyal man.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Completed a work project, same day, freeing me up for the weekend (unless I get more lol).

GET INSPIRED:
Find Yourself


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DAY 151:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• My husband has been honest with me in general...
  Lie Dates: 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Yesterday he wanted to take a break from recovery talk, so we did. We spoke about random stuff, work, and about our incoming guests and how much they'll drive me up the damn wall while they are here. Then he mentioned that he arranged a date night for us for tomorrow, he convinced my parents to babysit, that was sweet. I hope I won't have to hear about it from them [my parents] for the next month though, the little one can be a handful. Then he told me to got get on the bed because he wanted to give me one of his awesome full body massages. I did kind of pushback at first, only because earlier in the day he cleaned the kitchen top to bottom and I was afraid he would further mess up his back or knees, but he insisted it was okay. He already knows this, but hot damn do I love them (his touch omg, he keeps saying he doesn't know what he is doing but somehow - whatever he is doing, hits the right spots and just works lol), my back is in a constant state of "blah" since like 1998? lol, so, yea a long time. But yesterday I did work on my Mac all day, so I was in real pain by the end of the day and he made it go away and then, he added a really special bonus at the end.

This morning we talked a little about how weird it all is... this recovery, the process and where we are in it, together. Neither of us could have imagined this, not 5 months ago. That I would be confinding in him, and he in me? never in a million years - but somehow, here we are. This makes it all the more difficult, the position we find ourselves in. If somehow, by some miracle, I feel secure enough [in how I feel, he feels/sees me, as well as in his recovery] by the time two years come and this works out, the connection we have achieved would be something most couples can only dream of ever having, I know it's rare. However, if I don't get there, because unfortunately, I don't have forever to sit around waiting for this "feeling" that may never even be achievable with him anymore, because of the extent of my damage, which I guess is made worse by my constant triggers, because they are all related to him, his past behaviors/actions - so I may not have a choice but to move on because living with that is too much, I did it for 12 years and it was emotionally draining/depressing. But it would suck because I don't think I could ever get to this type of closeness with anyone else. On the bright side, I think we'd always be each other's best friends, no matter what or where we end up, well, I'd like to think so at least. This is going to be a really long, but somehow short two years - the most difficult two years of our lives together, I bet. This shit is hard.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Fit into a swimsuit I was supposed to return last year because it was too small.

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DAY 152:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• My husband has been honest with me in general...
  Lie Dates: 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Yesterday we spoke about my brother, his wife and their beginnings... then us - the same topic that has been on our minds for the last few days, so I won't go back into all of it here. Afterward, we did a little bit of the 1,000 piece puzzle and spoke some more. He asked me a very interesting question, kind of threw me lol
: "What is your current end goal, for the two years?" I asked him, to reiterate because I wasn't sure what he meant. He told me, his ultimate goal was for him to be recovered and for him to proof himself to me so that I could decide to remain married so that we could continue our lives with the connection that we now have. Well, for me, I came into this recovery from a different place, to begin with, so my initial goal was: support him as a friend, help get my daughter into a good high school, without throwing her into a tizzy by bringing a divorce into her life, wait out the two years and then just move on with our lives, separately. Right now, I don't know what's happening. Ideally, I would love for a miracle to happen and for me to *feel* secure enough with him and for us to keep what we've built right now, forever, but unfortunately, I don't know if that's realistic, given our history. So, for the moment my main goal is to get my shit together. Get myself healthy (mentally) and to just be happy, or be on the way to getting happy. Also, to make sure he stays on track in his recovery and I guess in time, everything else will sort itself out?

I did forget to mention that we went to the pool for the first time as well (yesterday), it wasn't so bad for me. There was one mild trigger for me, but it passed rather quickly, I was able to brush it off and enjoy the rest of the time with my family. Wade kept complimenting my swimsuit, which was sweet, he never used to do that, ever lol.

This morning we walked for almost 5 miles and it was a scorcher, good work out. We talked a lot, we spoke about how this moment in time, what we've experienced through this recovery/healing, this sort intimacy, love, connection-- is a once in a lifetime thing, something both of us will cherish, no matter what the future holds -- because it's likely, if we do separate, it won't be repeated. Then we took the kids to the pool and enjoyed the cool water, no triggers for me, it was nice. He also kept complimenting a new swimsuit I had on, one I didn't even remember getting lol but he loved it

This evening he surprised me with a date night, to a beautiful restaurant by the water. It was so beautiful, I loved it. When we first walked in there were like 10 women (waitresses) I thought I would get overwhelmed/triggered, but nothing happened at all, it was odd but I was pleasantly surprised lol. Then he spent the entire time focusing on me and we had our "nightly talk" there, over a delicious dinner. It was a bit out of budget for us, but I guess once in a while it's all right. I felt wine'd and dine'd, it was romantic and tonight I felt like I had his full attention. I felt happy today/tonight.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
The whole day, been out on a walk, at the pool and at a crowded restaurant [date night] without even one trigger.

If You Want to Change Your Habits Watch This

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=2065051543809300

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