I'm just going in circles at this point

Hi guys, today has been a rough one for me already, with me finally making the decision to give up trying to pursue a career in the subject I studied at university. This isn't what this post is about though, its just some background context to explain why I was already feeling down.

And now, after already feeling bad, to add insult to injury, I've relapsed again. I'm not going to lie, I'm struggling to find the energy to carry on with this. I know I shouldn't want to subject myself to all the problems PMO brings, and should be trying hard to improve myself and overcome the addiction, but at the same time, I'm struggling to see the point. I've been at this for 18 months now and after a few early successes its gotten harder and harder to maintain any kind of energy and drive to continue. I always get between 3-6 weeks in, then it gets on top of me and I relapse. I talk the big talk with regards to the benefits of NoFap but at the same time I just dont care. I try to perk myself up, try to distract, try to reach out to others, do everything I think I can and its not enough, if I decide that I want to PMO, then I will, no matter what. It might not happen right away but eventually it will happen. It just seems so futile, I feel like I'm wasting mine and your time by even posting this, because its the same thing every time. I relapse, feel bad, say I'm going to do better, then a few weeks/months later I relapse and it just loops like that. I dont know what I can do, or anyone can say to me, that will give me the boost to start caring again. I'm not going to go back to PMO'ing, but honestly, more because once the initial pleasure of the release fades, its just makes me feel worse.

With all thats going on, its like I'm going in circles. It seems like my life is just a road to nowhere, it makes me feel like shit and I dont know what to do about it. I cant stay in one mindset long enough to make any substantial changes and I lack the discipline or energy to push myself far enough. I have nothing to strive towards or look forward to, and looking back most of my teenage years have been wasted. I dont want to say I'm suicidal because that simply wouldn't be true, and I dont want to undermine my serious points by being too hyperbolic. But at the same time, as I'm sure some may be able to relate, I feel like I'm getting there.

 

I always end up relapsing because I lose faith temporarily and decide "fuck it", but I'm losing motivation on the whole because it seems like I'm not really making any progress. I'm not losing it either, to be fair, but I've been completely stagnant for so long that its starting to really get to me. Its not just NoFap as well, its a lot of different things that compound into each other and make it harder to succeed in any individual thing.

 

I know this to be true, but its just so hard to maintain any kind of drive when I've been stuck where I am for so long, thats the main point here. Thank you for the encouragement regardless.

 

Yeah, that simple image makes a valid point. Perhaps I'm stuck in the really jumbled part in the middle? Its hard to see where I'm coming from, or where I'm going, but as long as I keep moving I will eventually reach the other side. Its just so hard to stay strong sometimes, like yesterday, a lot of things compounded in on each other to make everything else worse. If I hadn't had my earlier career related crisis, I wouldn't have felt so bad, if I hadn't felt so bad, I wouldn't have relapsed, if I hadn't have relapsed, it wouldn't have amplified the emotions from the crisis, and so on and so forth. I suppose I should be glad in a sense that the relapse didn't make me feel better (sometimes they do, sometimes masturbation is just that) as that led me to not want to binge, which is what I would normally do.

 

Thank you, this actually made me feel quite a bit better, I wish I was still awake to have read it last night haha. There are a few things I want to address here so I'll split up my response accordingly.

Yep, living with and overcoming the duality is one of the hardest things about NoFap I think. On one hand, I know objectively that NoFap works, I've gotten past day 70 twice before and in both those instances my induced fetishes faded and I only felt intense sexual attraction to normal sexual contexts, like I did before porn got its hooks into me. But on the other hand when my brain decides to fap, its going to make me fap, even if deep down I know that I shouldn't or that it wont solve my problem. I am slowly becoming able to exert some control even during these phases, for example, only relapsing once or twice rather than binging like I used to, or putting it off for a few more days and hopefully getting over it in the meantime. What I think I need to do is become more capable at defeating my own inner addict, of telling it a firm "no" and being able to truly believe that relapsing is pointless and overcoming the "fuck it" mentality. I dont want to continue on like this, and I wont.

I'm not a student anymore, finished this Summer, but thank you for the advice regardless. My issue was I was so focused on the degree that I neglected everything else, (perhaps using PMO to cope with my stressful and impractical lifestyle?) and now I've come out of the other side not just burnt out, but actively despising what I used to enjoy. This would be hard for anyone to come to terms with but its especially hard for me as I dont have anything else to fall back on, I feel like I wasted 5 years of college/uni.

I think for now I need to come to terms with and be happy with not having anything productive to do, I need to properly turn my brain off so to speak and just enjoy my summer. My problem is I'm constantly on that knifes edge between complete apathy and relentless motivation that it leads to crashing and burning too easily. I guess to put it simply I need to chill out!

Regarding not caring if I masturbate, I think my issue here isn't masturbation, its porn. If I were to find the Men in Black mind eraser and wipe porn from my memory, or if porn were to vanish from the web without a trace, I genuinely do think my problem would vanish with it. I never masturbated compulsively without porn and even now, burning with urges (because I didn't binge my brain is screaming at me to), I have very little temptation to masturbate without porn. My end goal when I began was to cut down massively on my habit and "only masturbate when actually horny", but I have yet to actually reach a point where me getting aroused doesnt immediately lead to viewing porn. I need to break that mental link but its really really hard.

Thank you once again for the advice, I really appreciate it.

 

Thank you, thats an interesting way of looking at it.

 

This is excruciatingly accurate, and its all due to the way addiction alters brain chemistry. When you say its like having two brains, that might as well be true, as its the addicted part of it that screams at you to relapse while the rational, logical side screams at you not to. This is why its so hard to overcome an addiction. You basically need to remain vigilant all the time to ensure the addicted side doesnt get the drop on you, and its exhausting, which paradoxically can lead to more failure.

 

This is true, but I still feel disappointed because I know I can do better, hell, I've done better in the past. Its frustrating feeling like I'm stuck with very little forward momentum.