Performance Anxiety

It's not thanks to PMO. It's thanks to you using PMO as an escape from your problems. So now that you don't escape using PMO, the problems that you've avoided are still there waiting for you. Only now you've placed more importance and urgency on it.

2 / 5 / 10 years ago your lack of sexual experience was a problem. Now, it's still the same problem. You should be facing it the way you should have faced it long ago. You get rid of lack of experience by having experiences.

You lack experience. You need experience to solve that problem. The only thing you can do is to get out of your own way by not having anxiety because of it. Whether you have anxiety or not, you'll still have that lack of experience going into this.

All you can do at this point is have courage. Repeated courage leads to competence. Repeated competence leads to confidence.

But right now, you don't have competence or confidence.

BUT, unless you begin this process with courage, you'll never get the competence or confidence for the future.

You might fail, be afraid, be bad at it, get rejected, or whatever, but this is the problem you should've faced long ago before you decided to escape from it.

If you want easy, comfortable, and certain satisfaction, then go back to porn.

If you want to develop your competence and confidence within reality, then muster up some courage and go gain some experience despite being incompetent and insecure.

 

elevate, what do you think when talking about going get some experience? thanks

 

What do I think while I'm trying to gain experience with something new that I'm incompetent at and have no confidence in?

I suck at this / failing is no fun / I don't feel like doing this uncomfortable thing / confused and frustrated trying to figure out these problems / these negative experiences are painful / this is scary and uncertain / will I ever get to where I want to be? / etc.

It's an uncomfortable process, but that's what change and growth is. That's what challenging something beyond your current comfort zone is. That's why it takes courage at first until you start getting competent at it and figuring things out. Then eventually the confidence comes in. So I trust the process more than the negative things I'm currently feeling in the moment. I'm planting and cultivating the seeds that I will get to harvest later on.

It's difficult, scary, uncertain, messy, awkward, unideal, and uncomfortable. It's not easy, smooth, certain, or instant gratification.

The bigger the barrier, the bigger the reward. Hardships / pain / problems / negative experiences are what give more meaning and fulfillment to the pleasure / solutions / positive experiences that come later on.

 

First off congrats on getting past 90 days, that is a huge accomplishment and you should be very proud of it. Second, how old are you? I am a 40 year old female, but often reading posts on here from men that are anxious about sex I think do they not know that we all are, particularly in our younger years? Women may not have performance anxiety as much, but they worry about how their body looks, how they smell, if the guy will think they are fat, etc. A first time sexual experience with a a new partner is not anything like you see in P or on TV. It’s awakward with two people getting to know each other their likes and dislikes. So try to see it that way. Very few women are going to judge you on your first sexual experience with them, and if they do, you don’t want that woman. A fairly large percentage of men experience some form of ED on the first time they are with a woman. The most common one is PE. In fact I would say a guy has PE maybe in 60-70% of the time in my lifespan of dating. And we are not talking about lasting 5 minutes, we are talking about the old two pump chump. Followed by DE, then ED. I can only think of one man who did not have any of these issues, and we dated for several months before having sex and I think that made him more comfortable. So dont be so concerned about the first time. If you continue to have ED then that could be a problem for the girl. My suggestion, and I have made it many times to the dismay of lots of men on here, is that you tell your potential partner about you addiction and past before you have sex. That way if you have ED during sex, she will know the deal, she won’t think its her, and she can help you out. Or if it bothers her that much she can walk away before either of you become too involved in the relationship. HOnestly I think its only fair to her, but for men that have performance anxiety it can help alleviate it. Good luck.

 

Don't view her as an insatiable, sexual beast who demands perfect sex or will ridicule you. In my experience women love honest guys who can talk about their issues and fears.
She wants someone with a high sex drive, if you ask me that just means willing to have lots of sex. As you do it more often you will find your skills improving. But talk to her about it and tell her you're a little anxious and can she help you through it. Id bet you'd be pleasantly surprised about how accommodating she would be and it may well bring you a lot closer.
Think about it, any healthy relationship needs communication at its core and by being honest and open you are promoting this and strengthening your own self worth by validating your own feelings.

 

Yep this is spot on...the only think I would add is first time with a new partner be gentle, but curious. You gotta deel eachother out to understand what you like. Futhermore if you do this while also focusing conciously on how she responds you often wont have a problem with PE, though you may get DE if you overthink it. I think I surprised a girl doing this because guys are usually so focused on getting laid with a new girl the first time they get selfish and worked up and become two pump chumps. The girl I focused on made the comment you must do this a lot...itd been over 7 years since I had gotten laid and had been very sexually frustrated before her.

 

Great comment dude!!!!!! I will apply it on my.performance anxiety. Probably will have to go to escorts. I have no choice.

 

You do have a choice. You don’t have to sleep with escorts.

 

Why not? I just want to know if my dick works!

 

It’s a bad idea primarily because it is using another person for your sexual pleasure rather than making an actual connection but that’s also why it won’t work to predict if you will have success with a woman you are attempting sex with. Many men that have ED of any type do not have it with escorts. Why? Because it’s a new exciting experience and because the anxiety that one feels with a potential partner is absent. She is there for your sexual pleasure you are paying her and she does not care if you can get it up or not. She will not enjoy having sex with you no matter what she’s getting paid it’s a job. You also will never see her again and likely are not trying to impress her or get her to like yoU. Even if it works with her it still won’t likely work in dating.

So what you need to do if you truly want to recover is keep up with NoFap and when you are clean for a substantial period of time date and be upfront and honest.

 

This makes perfect sense. Escorts are nothing like real relationships. Sticking to nofap and upfront open with your girlfriend is the way out.

 

1. Be honest with the woman that ur not super experience but ur willing to work hard and learn.
2. Stop chasing the idea of being a good sexual performer. Just like sports most people are average or below average.
3. Do not assume she has had amazing sex already. Most people havent.
4. Dont use escorts. That is a dumb idea.
5. Focus on having fun and connecting. Tell her u would like a 'freebie' to get back in the groove.
6. Sex is simple enough that preteens can figure it out. Just go slow, u dont have to be a stud. Ur doing what u were made to do. U will get it right just chill. Once ur honest and u dont talk urself up most women either wont mind or will tell u what to do.

 

@SJ_0709
I'm in same situation and I can totally relate. Thanks for sharing Bro!