I cannot find my way out

Thank you. I needed to read this!

 

That is a gross generalization. Some people that you may have met possibly fall into that category but you should not generalize it to the population. I am a decent guy (def not short ad stocky--not that there's anything wrong with being short and stocky--we are all different yet the same) and I have a great stable career. Well, not quite 100% stable yet as I am interning somewhere. But it is a stepping stone and I am hoping to get a permanent position soon.

 

I think updates help with staying on track. Something about sharing this online gives me a sense of peace. It lifts a burden off my shoulder. I am working on two requirements that are still left for my degree but I am very close to getting it all wrapped up. Family is freaking out as it is 11/22 and I have 3 argument essays, 1 final paper, and 1 lab report. I am so close. I have been working on the stuff but not as much as I need to. Progress is slow. I keep wasting time with you know what and by then my brain is usually too tired to make any coherent arguments. I have talked to family but I do not think they understand the situation. They just think that maybe I am on drugs which may not be far from the truth because addictions follow the same pathway. So, I am sitting here at work (it is 7:00 pm) dreading going home. Because I know it is not in my best interest to go home.

I was invited to dinner today and I am anxious because there's a woman I have been talking to and she'll be present. I really appreciate as a person and think she is absolutely gorgeous. Not just looks but mostly as a person. Ever met someone and you are like yes, this person is gorgeous all around? She has a beautiful personality... she's smart, kind, generous and very passionate about her work (Wildlife biology). I think she is a great person at her core! But dating anxiety is truly very daunting and is hugely detrimental to my dating life. I start to overthink. I am going to go tonight and see what happens. I do not have any expectations tonight or in the near future as I do not know whether it will even work out or not. But the little voice in the back of my head keeps blaring alarms of warnings. Warnings about the future. Warnings about having that conversation. But tonight, I am going to ignore the voices in my head and just go with the flow. Wish me luck guys.

As far as my porn situation goes, I am going to keep working and not give up. I have definitely come a long way from the time I posted this thread when everything seemed so bleak and hopeless. Contemplating ending my life was by far the most radical thought I had ever had. Failing my class twice with a messed up financial situation, not graduating, not being able to find a job, not seeing my parents for the past 5 years, $2200 loan repayments starting in December.. it felt like too much to handle in that moment.

Yes, the porn problem is still present but I can at least say that most of the other issues that felt unbearable at that moment have come to be just fine. Ideal? Absolutely not. But definitely more ideal than having my family and friends mourn over my death. Wow, those were some really dark times. I am so glad I reached out to this forum and you guys helped with getting me out of the rabbit-hole. I realized that I was down in the dumps, the rabbit hole had almost swallowed me a whole. But you reminded me of the small little light at the entrance of the rabbit-hole. You showed me that the way out was still within my vicinity and that it was quite possible to get out. It still is. I just have to keep up the fight and not give up.


This past week and early into this week has been really tough. The internship has has a reduced workload as we wait on parts to build samples so I have some free time on my hands. Which means I can easily slip into my old habits. I also have the next two days off so I really have to be careful of how I choose to spend my time. It can be quite a slippery slope when none of my roommates are around.

I will try to post more regularly and update you on my journey. As of now, signing off. Keep fighting.

 

Crying helps for sure. You feel so helpless at times that the only emotional reaction you can muster is crying. Your post helped me out. 7 mo later, I still havent found a way out but the future seems to be a little more promising. Cannot give up the hope.. Keep fighting!

 

I have gone from bad to worse. I keep saying I will stop-just need one more fix. I have coupled it with marijuana and it feels like it is impossible to beat. I have to look for jobs and I am worried about the thc popping up in my drug test (which it will if I don't fix it). I have packed my little baggie and will try to take off home for a little bit. I have tried many strategies and feel like there is no escaping this if I sleep at home. My workplace is great and there is a couch that I can sleep on. There is also a gym so I can take out my frustrations etc. I hope this works. Usually after the two week mark, things start to really really get better but I always give in before then. I am having short term memory loss and I am really worried about that as well. I only have one brain and I have literally fucked it. Plus, I am dating currently and have severe PIED. She's so nice to me and understanding. I feel like a dirtbag. I hope this works man. I am on the verge of losing it all. I haven't been applying to jobs either. I am about to get kicked out of the US. I am a talented person blessed with great abilities to do many things. My family had such high hopes when they brought me to the US and so far I have failed them. Not once but multiple times. They have lost trust/faith in me. I have lied to them on multiple occasions. I have lost my brother. It is so sad. He has tried to understand but just cannot. Knowing my situation, how am I not able to break free? I know I am ruining my life. I hope this works.

 

Back again. 62 days later, no change. Sucks. Well, another try for today.