My summer-long day-by-day healing journal

Day 12. I never was into diaries or journals, but adding to this journal every day is therapeutic in a way. It helps me keep focused on my goal.

It gives me a safe outlet to express issues that are stressful in this journey. I watched about half of the video “90 days to NoFap”. He only had about 2 minutes of good info but just kept talking for 10 more. The one point that hit home was MO’ing due to stressful and worrisome situations, that was true for me. This journal is helping me get past these issues.

I am also thankful my wife is helping me stay on track. She has as much to gain from this success as I do. Thru sickness and health ....

Day by day

 

I saw my laptop bag in the corner today while getting some paperwork, the no-kidding first thing that entered my mind was “oooh porn”. I continued on with my task. It’s interesting but even more scary how that association is still firing in my brain.

 

I just keep hitting reply to my last post, it seems to chain them all together nicely. I only keep one journal.

 

Day 13, almost 2 weeks. Over wine last night wife and I talked about my addiction. She saw this coming for awhile, she knew what I was doing but chose to remain quiet (my wife is from Asia, that is a 100% Asian wife reaction). I guess that was the smart thing, I’m sure I would have vehemently denied it then sulked off into a corner with laptop and PMOed in retaliation. I was such an ass.

Urges and fantasies are not going away, but I am learning to deal with them differently. I am still drawn to the AMP review boards, I need to control that more.

 

Asian Massage Parlor. I have lived all over Asia and have acquired a fondness for the Asian massage, and yes for some of the extra services.

 

Day 14. Got to work yesterday morning and could feel the little soldier trying to shrink up into my body. Not sure if it was due to the heat, the pants, or the reboot. Was worried. So last night after we got home, I popped some Sildenafil after our shower, poured the wine, and started my wife’s engines with a foot massage. Fast forward an hour later we were having sex. Wasn’t super mind blowing, I was only about 60% hard thru it, but the feeling and intimacy was there which had been missing for a long time. It was good enough, we both needed it. Had some bizarre explicit dreams afterwards, still woke up with a limp biscuit. I hope I can rediscover my steel as I wean myself off these meds.

Refreshed and ready to resume this reboot. Another Sunday, I need to get on the laptop to wrap up the week’s business. I am mindful of the chaser effect, the meds are still in my system.

 

Day 15. Yesterday was a breeze, felt refreshed and satisfied. Even felt some swelling a few times when seeing the wife. Still not 100% but seems the right neural connections are starting to rebuild themselves.

 

On the laptop for a few hours finishing up the books, the urge was pulling me stronger today to open a browser and catch up on my porn videos. I fought the urge and quickly stuffed the laptop back into the bag when finished and walked away.

Sitting here I wonder if I will ever be able to use that laptop again without those urges. I am fine when I don’t go near it, but when I open it up it hits me like a wave ........

 

No, my eyesight is not so good, so I never had enough hand eye coordination to balance the phone video P up close to my face with one hand while trying to M with the other hand. Moreover my wife and daughter have full access to my phone, but neither know how to log into my laptop. The laptop was my sole source for P.

 

Day 16. Wishing for wood. Over 2 weeks no PM. Trying to maintain self control over taking meds and wanting to go visit an AMP. This is not easy.

 

I think so. I had this foolish O “balancing act” going on between PMO, AMPs and wife. I thought I could make it work, but it actually was very destructive. I was becoming more reliable on meds with the wife, then started needing them at the AMPs also. When they weren’t working anymore as advertised I foolishly thought it was just the meds and started increasing the dosage till they produced the intended result. Now I have come to realize it was the PMO and AMP. I am lucky I didn’t kill myself.

This summer is proving to be a challenge, giving up both AMPs and PMO, and weaning myself off the meds (dropping by half the previous dose each time). I jokingly told my wife last night that since I am giving up PMO and AMPs she would need to pick up the slack - it wasn’t funny :-(

 

Day 17, what a great morning. Wife got home from work last night wanting a “foot massage”. I popped some meds and started working on her feet, legs, and inner thighs. An hour later we were fucking. Was more intense than last time for both of us, we both enjoyed more pipe on less meds. I am liking the progress, still not 100% but wow. The last 8 years we never used any birth control, because of PMO I had nothing left to give her. Last couple times have been volcanos, I need to start protecting her, we are both way to old for babies.

With family all day today, will have a big smile