1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

Only want a girlfriend because I’m depressed?

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Kman20, May 20, 2018.

  1. Kman20

    Kman20 Fapstronaut

    513
    620
    93
    How do i go through this ? How do i get experience with the uncomfortable rejections and all that ? I want to.
     
  2. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

    1,133
    5,566
    143
    Well I don't know if it's the best way, but personally I just faced rejection and failure.

    It definitely wasn't easy in the beginning. Especially when it was someone I was interested in. After a while I realized and accepted that I can't control or own other people and that I'm doing my best to improve. I gained self respect via making the courageous effort and going through the process of gaining competence despite some of the outcomes not going my way. Slowly but surely, I began to gain more experience socializing with others and seeing that people are just people. They're all flawed like me. I began to like who I was and realized that not everyone will like me just like I'm not going to like everyone that I meet. I began to express myself more honestly and go after what I want more because the faster that I got rejected the sooner I could move on to other people that would like me for me without convincing them to be interested in me.

    So letting go of control / the need to be accepted or succeed, allowed me to take more risks. To fail more and to succeed more. I didn't just try to get better or make an effort whenever I was interested in someone. I made an effort to get better everyday. Socializing with people everywhere and anywhere I went.

    So it's along the lines of exposure therapy. The more you expose yourself to it, the less you fear it. The more of an effort you make, immerse yourself in the process, and gain experience, the more you gain competence and confidence.

    Both negative and positive things happen, but I was willing to pay the costs. I was willing to learn how to handle the negative to get to the positive. To put myself in situations where things can happen. I don't make assumptions. I just do what I want and it's up to other people how they react.

    So start socializing more. With classmates / coworkers / people at the stores you go to / go out more / etc. No attachment to the outcome. Do it just for the sake of socializing and getting better at exposing yourself to failure and rejection. Get comfortable with it. Get comfortable with expressing yourself honestly. And soon enough you'll get comfortable with taking risks. The risks that necessary to fail more, but also to succeed more.

    This vulnerability isn't about wining or losing (outcomes). It's about courageously doing the scary and difficult thing that you know you should be doing to become the person that you want to be and to have the life that you want to have (process which allows you to gain self respect no matter the outcome).

    Then one day you'll be like the greatest sales people in the world. They have great belief in what they're selling. They believe it has high value and can change the lives of others in a positive way, but they also know that not everyone will be interested despite how great of a product / service it is. They sell more than anybody else. They fail and get rejected more than anybody else. They succeed and get accepted more than anybody else. They're comfortable with rejection and failure.

    So it's about placing more value on the process and what you want to do rather than than placing importance on the outcome that you can't control.
     
    Kman20 likes this.
  3. joehive

    joehive Fapstronaut

    8
    4
    3
  4. primaljade

    primaljade Fapstronaut

    307
    285
    63
    kMan, you're "if only I had X, then I can be happy" is a trap (be it a GF, a different job, a different school, a care, whatever). The mind is good at tricking ourselves, so you might just have to experience this to realize it, unfortunately. Nothing about *you* is changing after getting X.

    Exactly. kMan, If you get into a relationship you can fall into an issue where you're dependent on the other person to love/like you, since you're not accepting of yourself.

    Another good point. Oh shit, kMan: If you expect to be happy once in a relationship, but then realize you're not, then it's possible you could become resentful of your partner and blame her for it.

    I find that the best way to get good at anything, is to do that thing. Go out with the paradoxical intention of getting rejected. You'll have to work on your attitude about yourself in order to handle it. I'm not depressed, but I have underlying shame/anxiety issues, so it's hard for me to do sometimes.

    I recommend self-work before getting into any relationship, so you can have clear-headedness to choose a good partner. If you're attaching your happiness to a relationship now, you might reduce your standards about who you date/settle with, and they can be someone bad for you.
     
  5. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

    1,133
    5,566
    143
    Wherever you go, there you are.

    Who you are right now is who you will be no matter where you are or who you're with. If you suddenly got a million dollars and fame, who you are is what's going to be magnified. Same thing with getting a girlfriend. These external things are just like putting a temporary bandage until the real problem surfaces again. Something to distract you until you realize that you're still you and all your problems that you didn't face are still there. Porn is also a temporary bandage to escape and distract you from life's problems. Those problems always come back sooner or later.

    Change yourself for the better so that you're good with or without a girlfriend. So that you're good no matter where you are or what's going on in your life. Because no matter where you go, who you're with, or what you have, you're experiencing those things through you. What you really want to change is the way you experience yourself and the way you project that on to the external world.

    There are unhappy people with girlfriends. Miserable people that got the person that they wanted the most. Suicidal people with great fame, materialism, and money. Depressed people that got everything they ever wanted externally. No matter what they did... wherever they went, there they were.
     
    Kman20 and primaljade like this.
  6. lovelyDay

    lovelyDay Fapstronaut

    32
    12
    8
    Yes and No. Person should be happy with himself/ herself, but also with "another half".
     
  7. Here2learn17

    Here2learn17 Fapstronaut

    40
    48
    18

    You don’t have to be happy alone. Being happy when you’re completly alone isn’t normal human behavior. That being said you don’t have to have a girl friend to solve your loneliness. I find spending time with friends and family does wonders for my loneliness.

    Codependency is a way overrated and over talked about thing. That most modern psychologist don’t fully agree with. Look up the book “attached” for what’s considered a better theory when it comes to over attachment to people.

    Wanting a girlfriend and not wanting to be alone is perfectly normal you don’t have to fight that at all. And you don’t have to think you should be 100% happy alone.

    If all your happiness in life is coming from another person that’s not healthy. As with most things in life it’s about finding a balance between the two extremes.


    Also just for loneliness in general. Try something I have tried.

    Try just siting I’m your couch or bed and think about your loneliness. Attempt to feel it completly. As much as possible. I find by doing this exercise I realize I have control over my feelings and they inturn seem smaller and more manageable than before.
     
    Kman20 likes this.

Share This Page