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Is my problem with porn or BDSM?

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Brewmaster, Jul 5, 2018.

  1. Brewmaster

    Brewmaster Fapstronaut

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    Hi all,

    First of all, I am very grateful that you are reading this, and I desperately need help. I am very sorry for the long post.

    I am 28 years old and have been with my partner for the past 2 years. I love her very much and she is the only person I have ever had sexual intercourse with in life.

    I remember when I was a kid, certain things that I would see, such as e.g. a picture of a guy spanking some girl in the ass, or similar other things would excite me. Obviously at that time I was too young to understand what was going on. As I grew up and became a teenager I got into porn. I remember in the past I would only watch it but not masturbate at the computer, and the scenes were not too hard-core - they were somehow BDSM related but not too intensive. But as time passed it started escalating into more hard-core stuff, to a point where I got into more hard-core spanking, deep-throat, physical humiliation and even pissing.

    It was not until the age of 26, when I met my girlfriend, that for the first time I had sexual intercourse with someone. I am an attractive guy, and never had issues picking up girls in clubs, but I would always avoid taking them home, and when I would, I would just sleep next to them and give them some excuse. Partially I was avoiding it due to my religious inner conflicts, where I always believed that I should marry someone before having any sexual intercourse, but maybe partially I was also afraid of having sex for the first time. I decided to stop running away from it when I met my girlfriend, and explained to her that I have a porn issue, and she fully understood it and supported me. We started with masturbating each other, until I actually had sex for the first time.

    Here is the problem - most of the times I am not interested in having sex with her and I instead watch porn. Sex does not feel as much good as porn, but I am not sure if the problem is with porn or the fact that I am into BDSM. I remember in the beginning of our relationship I would not always have an erection, and even if I would it would not be very solid. Things have been improving where I now have an erection almost every time we have sex, although not necessarily strong (PS: I still actively watch porn).

    Here is the funny thing though - after talking with her after a few months being together, I found out that she is also into some aspects of BDSM, such as e.g. tying and light ass spanking. But it is not strong enough to satisfy my fantasies, e.g. I am very much into deep-throat, and she is somehow into that but it is not a fetish for her. Whenever she gives me heads I generally have a stronger erection, but on the other hand I think too much and feel time pressured - she doesn't fulfill the role of the submissive and for some reason I feel that she is doing a favor for me and that I've got to do it fast, even though she does enjoy it, but not always. But I don't remember always having enjoyed blowjobs (videos) until later stages of my life into porn. It is hard to explain what I feel, because spanking doesn't mean anything if the act of submission is not there, but I am afraid of fully dominating her because I don't know what she will think, and she doesn't demonstrate it much.

    She is very attractive and I do feel attracted to her, but I have the impression that she has a low libido (she says she is just shy and is afraid of demonstrating when she is horny, except for when she drinks), and in her previous very long relationship she was having sex only once a week with her ex when closer to the end of the relationship, and I guess the frequency was OK for her, but her partner was not satisfied and left her. I remember there were times I had great sex with her, to the point I did not think about porn at all, but most of the times it takes quite some time for me to ejaculate, which makes me frustrated and unsatisfied. She seems to be satisfied, and I remember in the beginning I would often make her come 3 times within 20-30 min. It is weird though that small things can turn me off in bed.

    Now here is the dilemma - I obviously don't want to cheat on her to find out if the problem is with BDSM or if the problem is with porn or something else - and above all, I love her and I want to do everything that is possible to make our relationship work, but I cannot stop thinking of meeting girls on the Internet who are into BDSM and giving it a try. Their fantasies on their pages (in writing) turn me on a lot, without seeing any pictures or videos, which makes me wonder if I have a problem with porn. I know that one way to test that is to quit porn for a few months, and I tried twice (but without quitting masturbation, for 1~1.5 month each time) - one time it maybe improved our sex a little bit, but the other time it didn't at all - maybe it even made it worse, but nothing too significant. If I quit porn and it won't work I still won't know if I have some sexual performance dysfunction or if the problem is related to BDSM.

    Please guys, can anyone help me please? I don't know what to do - I really want to try to quit porn and masturbation to check if it will work out, but it is so hard, especially when I am not even sure if the problem is with porn. What is your opinion please?

    Thanks a lot in advance!

    Brewmaster
     
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2018
  2. I think you can enjoy BDSM sometimes and it is nothing bad, if only your girl is into it. Nevertheless, it is not normal if that kind of stuff is the only thing turning you on. Most likely, you had been interested in some domination, but porn and masturbation makes you cannot enjoy anything else. Definitely stop porn, masturbation and don't watch these social sites, but do it for your health, life and satisfaction, not for testing purposes.
     
  3. Brewmaster

    Brewmaster Fapstronaut

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    Hi GhostWriter, many thanks for replying. I've scored "8". No, she is not here. So are you saying that if I quit porn the sex can improve, but that I will still have a problem with BDSM? I wonder if she is not already doing certain things I enjoy, but that because of porn I am not enjoying it as much... On the other hand, I remember there were times we had great sex - I don't remember doing anything different.
     
  4. spudiron

    spudiron Fapstronaut

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    Giving up both porn and masturbation is hard, but it's through that difficulty that we grow. By doing that, you gain some control over your brain and you also can focus all of your energy/time that you would've wasted with PMO on your SO. Look into bonding activities that you and your SO can do besides sex (cudding, laughing, exercising, talking, playing, etc.). You'll probably have a stronger relationship if not sex life.

    Maybe your fetishes will go away, maybe they won't. I've had some that have shriveled up to nothing and some that are still sticking around, but they don't control me and I don't have to engage in them to have fulfillment.

    And what's the very worst thing that happens if you give up PM for a few months? You miss out on some "pleasure" for a while that a year from now you wouldn't remember anyways, but you develop some mental resiliency (if you work at that during your trials).
     
  5. Brewmaster

    Brewmaster Fapstronaut

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    Thanks a lot GhostWriter and spudiron for your answers!

    It would turn me on when I would see such things, but nothing extreme, which would on the contrary turn me off.
    I was subject to bare bottom spankings as a child, but only a few times for what I can remember, and I remember it being short and not hard at all. But yes, I remember crying.

    I see your point, but is it that simple? Can I program my brain to get excited at watching the movement of a tree in response to wind? I remember getting excited at certain things related to BDSM as a kid, when I had no idea what sex is about.

    You are right. I was only able to stay away from porn for 1.5 months max, but still masturbating and fantasizing.
    I asked her today how happy she is with our sex life, on a scale from 1 to 10, and she answered me right away: "That is easy, 10". Of course it is not a 10 every time she said, but in general it's a 10.

    What do you mean exactly? He does not watch porn with me or alone. Are you referring to my sexual behavior in bed with her?

    So, here is the thing - she does enjoy going deep when she is horny, but nothing too extreme. She does not feel like giving me a blowjob every time either, but it is something she enjoys doing from time to time, but not something she wishes to make a routine of. The problem is that I went a little bit too far with porn, where a simple deep blowjob may not be enough for me. I also feel that this is almost a must every single time, at least as a warm-up, and she told me she does enjoy it, but not every single time. She said sometimes she does it because she enjoys it, but sometimes just to please me. She is an extremely honest person and I do believe this is the truth.

    Well, most of the times I do what she enjoys, and she told me she is very satisfied with our sex life, except for the fact that I watch porn - that makes her sad. Again, she enjoys a lot being tied (she was the one who brought up this topic for the first time), and she enjoys getting spanked in the ass as long as it is not too hard. Also here I found this out when we were watching a TV show a long time ago where a woman admits she is into spanking, and then when I asked her the same question she got red and admitted that she is into it. So in summary, I don't think I am "abusing" her, because obviously I don't want to do anything against her will and I want her to enjoy, and I am afraid she would not enjoy going as far as I have with porn. But sometimes I don't know what she does or does not enjoy because she doesn't demonstrate it that much. She told me that for her it is enough to have sex four times a week or so, depending on the week of course. She is happy with that frequency, but it is not enough for me. I see your point though - I wonder in case I was doing a better job if she would not be willing to have sex more often. On the other hand, she says she is happy with the sex and she can often orgasm twice when we have sex.

    You are right, and I am not proud of it. It is just so difficult when it comes to sex - I don't think I am in control of my body. I really need to fix it, because I don't want to end up doing something stupid, like cheating on her.

    Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts and for your support. It will not be easy, but I know that I have to start as soon as I can before it is too late.

    - Brewmaster
     
  6. Brewmaster

    Brewmaster Fapstronaut

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    Hi GhostWriter - I really appreciate the time you've put in writing this to help me - I am very grateful. I guess it is clear for me that I do have a problem with porn, and I need to quit it. It will not be easy, and I will read the instructions you've sent me and ask her for support. Cheers.
     
  7. Brewmaster

    Brewmaster Fapstronaut

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    Thank you very much mate. I really appreciate your input on this. I will do my best to quit porn and masturbation and hopefully I will find the support on this forum. Cheers.
     

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