My summer-long day-by-day healing journal

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Poi, Jun 20, 2018.

  1. What a pick me up. Wish my wife would be open.
     
  2. Poi

    Poi Fapstronaut

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    Sorry. Starting out my wife was pretty insistent on waiting 30 days, I am not sure what happened last night, if this was an “as needed” for her and we still shoot for 30ish days, or a course change. I am not complaining either way. I still have incredible urges that need to be controlled, and much more healing that needs to happen.
     
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2018
  3. Poi

    Poi Fapstronaut

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    Day 18. Bad night, could not sleep, too many AMP memories and fantasies and wishing for a quick trip to get serviced. Wanted so much to M so I could sleep, no wood. Resisted all night, now today is going to be rough.
     
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  4. Actually think my flatline may have started. Looking forward to getting it over with. Hope it removes some of the pressing urges if the D won’t work.
     
  5. Poi

    Poi Fapstronaut

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    I am so hoping for a flatline, my libido is off the charts.
     
  6. I know it drives me nuts too. Today I feel no stirrings below and it feels like a relief. I hope the feeling stays. So afraid I might panic after a bit and try to make it work so it’s a double edged sword.
     
  7. Poi

    Poi Fapstronaut

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    Wife noticed I was really struggling this morning, she worried what I might restart after she leaves the house, so she coaxed me into an empty bedroom and depressurized me with a quickie before she went to work - not sure where the wood came from but it was there. She left, I napped, and am now ready to attack the overgrown yard.
     
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2018
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  8. Sounds like a fine solution to me.
     
  9. Poi

    Poi Fapstronaut

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    I agree. I am not so worried about my D, I know it is healing. I was hoping to make these desires for sex go away temporarily so I can reboot the brain. I know every reboot is different, and the wife is doing as best she can to help me thru this process, but I don’t think I can reboot with this rampaging libido. Maybe I am not supposed to hard reboot but soft retrain my neural pathways with the correct rewards for my urges? Every day is a new challenge .....

    Best of luck to you, I see you started a new journal. I appreciate your comments and I hope I can return the same.
     
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2018
  10. I did. I initially started one in two places and I can’t ever find them b/c I wasn’t thinking they were journals so I formalized it by using my name in it. I’ll be using it consistently from now on I think. Unless this 69 year old brain continues to deteriorate. Enjoy your endulgeces with your wife.

     
  11. Poi

    Poi Fapstronaut

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    Day 19. Restful night, ready to take on today’s PMO and AMP challenges.
     
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  12. Poi

    Poi Fapstronaut

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    Read a few articles talking about differences between porn-addiction (easy, cheap, not requiring another person, causes ED and relationship issues) and sex-addiction (expensive, requiring another person, no issues with ED but does have a host of other risky issues). It makes sense, but now I’m sure this summer is going to be exponentially tougher since I am dealing with both PMO and AMPs. I do feel my sex-addiction is a lot more stronger now than my porn-addiction. Not sure how I got both, Sigh.
     
  13. Either way it’s an addiction that can screw your life up. Addiction is addiction and hopefully nofap will help.
    Thinking about you.
     
  14. Poi

    Poi Fapstronaut

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    Day 20 no PM. Kinda surreal, I think this has to be record. I tried a few times as New Years resolutions but usually broke within the first couple weeks.

    Got home last night, popped some meds after shower hoping for a roll with the wife, but she was exhausted, said she even took a nap at work yesterday. I let her sleep. I know I’m out of hand with sex, kinda hoping for release when I really need to back off for a couple weeks and see how this no PM (and O) plays out.

    I still am possessed with sex. Even with the meds and a little touching I could not bring myself to any wood last night. I keep wondering what will happen if I ever achieve normal wood again. My wife has never had to deal with me full strength because of PMO ED. Will my sex addiction get worse?
     
  15. Have you seen a doctor? Maybe it’s physical too. It seems with meds the blood would get there involuntarily with stimulation.
     
  16. Poi

    Poi Fapstronaut

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    I’m pretty sure it is PIED because I could get a titanium rod when I would PMO on meds, and I could get a bug-eyed OMG when the AMP therapists would give the D a spirited massage. I didn’t want to start a full-on lubed-up M last night for an equipment check, so I just dealt with it. Always hoping .......
     
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  17. How old are you ? It doesn’t say on your profile?
     
  18. Poi

    Poi Fapstronaut

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    As part of a mutual accountability with my wife, our phone’s location services are on, and we can ask anytime what either are doing on our phone. She asked this morning. I told her I joined an online group for people that share my same addiction. She wasn’t overly impressed.

    We have a mutual agreement that we never bring up each other’s past, we both have had marriage fails, we both did things we are not proud of, we both are dealing with addictions, we both have a past that we need to leave there. Her approach is to deal with her addiction using her ghosts, the memories of what happened to her because of her choices and addictions, and not wanting to go back there. I am only one of a handful she has ever told about her past. She is not impressed that I am sharing my ghosts with others I don’t even know.

    I still feel this journal is therapeutic for me, it helps me keep focused. I read and reread it many times.
     
  19. You get how if she’s so private about her past how it would frighten her. But it just goes into cyber space and can maybe help us all.
     
  20. Poi

    Poi Fapstronaut

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    Yup, I know. I am retired from 30 years service, now a full time stay-at-home dad for our young daughter. My wife is 8 years younger than me. I cashed out a small part of my 401k to purchase a small business for my wife. She is now a successful local business-woman.
     

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