I dont know what to do anymore.

I've been an avid lurker on nofap for about 3 months. I am the partner of a porn addict. Please bare with me as this might be long but I have completely run out of resources and I dont know what I'm supposed to do. Me and my partner are both recovering addicts who have both dealt with some SERIOUS trauma. I could literally sit here and write my life story and noone would believe it bc I've been thru everything a person could possibly go thru, and he suffers from bipolar, and trauma from sexual abuse as a child, and the loss of his 1st child being taken away from him bc of his toxic behaviors. (He hasnt seen his first born son in 3 years). Anyways, I wont go into graphic details about my traumas but i do want to make note that i got pregnant and married at 16 to an abusive alcoholic and that caused alot of my issues that sent me off the deep end into addiction. SO, I met my partner and we've been together for 2 years. The beginning of our relationship was amazing, he treated me so well and for the first time in my life I can say I thought I actually meant something to someone. All I asked of this man was to be honest with me, to not bullshit me, and not hurt me. Well, it started about 3 months into our relationship when we moved in together and I was pregnant with our first son together, i knew he PMOed ALOT, but hed never admit it, i actually thought he was cheating on me bc his behavior did a 360 from when i met him. Then we moved into an apartment together and he started working 3rd shift. Bc of his behavior I was CONVINCED he was cheating on me. I went looking on his phone and saw he had probably 50 bookmarks of porn, about 25 bookmarks of escorts from local backpage. I confronted him about it and that was the beginning. He made me feel crazy, told me he never did it, wasnt going to etc. (We had NO money, not even for food with me being pregnant, and he was considering spending 200$ on an escort.) Fast forward, I let it go, for a long time and suffered feeling like complete shit about myself and not good enough and like he only stayed with me bc I was pregnant. After my son was born, I KNEW he had a problem. EVERYTHING in his life was affected by his use. I finally confronted him last year in January and gave him an ultimatum. I told him either he was honest or I was leaving. He told me he had a problem but at that time of his life he didnt believe it. He didnt just suffer from p addiction, he also was an avid sex addict and was talking to several women, sexting, etc, all the while I'm in deep post partum depression and suicidal. He promised me he wouldn't hurt me again and would get help. Well, fast forward another year. Through that whole year of "recovery" he bold face lies to me every single day gaslighting, telling me I'm crazy, etc etc, even though I KNEW he was doing it. The thing with him, its SO severe, that it affects EVERYTHING. I got pregnant again at 4 months postpartum after a very traumatic birth, and post partum depression and basically raising my son myself bc he was so consumed in his crap. He turned into a monster. He stopped treating me like a partner, became severly toxic, and even abusive. His health declined and he withdrew so bad that I started becoming suicidal again. Long story short, March 23rd, I gave him another ultimatum, either he tell me EVERYtHING from the moment he walked into my life, or i leave. He told me what he said was everything. From meeting up with a woman for sex just before my 1st son was born and 4 months before proposing to me. He said he was addicted to looking at escorts, webcams, other women sending him nudes, the whole 9 yards. I went into a DEEP depression. Of ALL of the things I've gone thru in my life that has caused me to have PTSD, this betrayal trauma from my relationship has been the worst. (I've been taped, a used, human trafficked, etc etc).... I put an accountability app on his phone, and he was amazing for about a week, then it all went to shut again. He has literally been treating me so bad that I'm convinced he relapsed. He says he hasnt, that hes just been struggling, but hes treated me so bad to look for reasons to justify relapsing. He hasnt done ANYTHING to fix the deep issues. He JUST recently made a therapist and psychiatrist appointment and got a sponsor. He expects me to just believe him. I'mdevastated. When I met this man this isnt what I envisioned my future to be. Even though i know deep down it's not my faultand he loves me, I dont know how to move past any of it and I dont believe a word he says. He says he loves me, but his actions say I'm nothing but a cockroach to him. All i want is honesty. I've offered countless times to hold his hand, support him, and help him, even whenit hurts me bc of a relapse. He doesnt understand anyof it. Hes minimized it so bad that i literally look crazy. Hes lost at least 40 lbs since I met him, refuses to eat, snaps off on everyone, treats everyone inside the home like garbage, and everyone out ofthe home amazing. I cant even look him in the eyes anymore. He does nothingto help me. That's the part of this addiction that's so fucked up, they have an issue that ends with ME having to go to therapy for trauma and severe depression. My entire life is consumed with making everydecision based off of whether hes truly satisfied with me or if hes going to go chose porn again. Everything from my hair, nails, starving myself to loose weight, what I wear, everything, based off of trying to be whatever hes looking for. I just want to be wanted, and feel needed. Beyond being the sacrificial, empathetic amazing person I am. I want to feel like number 1, not just an amazing perfect person who just doesnt do it for someone. It's how it's always been. Perfect woman in all aspects (not that attractive), WILD sex side, equivalent to actual porn just not fake, but still not enough. Ihave flash backs daily, I am so easily triggeredit's not funny. I will be seeking therapy formyself to work thruthis but i dont know how to makemy makemy partner understand that hes hurting me still, and that I need him to help me heal. I've had one specific thought go thru my mind when I get in my darkest places which I amgoing to discuss with a therapist and not on an online forum. Please help me. Please help me understand that it's not me, that maybe just maybe I am the perfect woman forhim, that i dont need to be a pornstar or be uncomfortable bcI'm scared hes not satisfied and will be mean and relapse. Please help me bc this is physically killing me faster then stage 4 terminal cancer. Any advice would help bc atthis point I have completely lost myself, cant function, and have zero will to live. He is amazing, an amazing partner, father, everything, when this is not consuming him. I just need hope that i will make it thruthis.t