This is My Story

Since age 5, real serious, to this age, 25, i am addicted to masturbation/porn. Don't tell me how it is possible, it is possible; trust me! I have been exposed to some dirty/nasty shits which i didn't realise what's going on... I don't wanna talk about that, not sorry. Curiosity killed the cat!

There is so much things to tell you guys, but i am only willing to tell you 1 side of my story. I know if i want your help, i need to be open with full sides but it is not easy for me to tell and write. Number one it is so complicated. Number two, you already understand i got some trouble with english, anyways

Long story short in these days, in my current streak,longest streak, 80 days FAP FREE /PORN FREE. but it is not the case, for me, not now...

I have never, ever have a girlfriend in my life. I always wanted to have a gf for sure . Before my current streak i just met a girl. I think she liked me and i invited her for a date: She accepted! Oh my god, what a suprise! We met and flirted things go sometimes bad, sometimes good and finally, we made it: GF/BF. When i said bad she act like she bored with me i don't know what to do so, i understand that but she knew she is my first. At the beginning (i mean conversancy) she treated me well but over time she treated me like shit. She even said that she doesn't love me! She said that her life is full and i am not in that! Upcoming day she called me and began with: "My love"!. What the is hell is that!. Ups and downs all the time, From day 0. I wanna build a life with her. I felt like i need this. I want to love her and already feel something, not love but similar to it. For my recovery i must do some normal person thing. Just want to be a normal person, have a normal life! What is normal? Don't know shit!

For the God Sake, let me tell you something clear. I really, really wanted to love her. She is not most beautiful, kind hearted person. Furthermore, she doesn't meet my "standart" (not anything like porn base standarts -i am serious guys) probably i don't fit her list too, i am okay with that. I got used to her. She wanted some crazy shits for me. I am still a student, she knows that but she wanted house, car, money etc...What the fuck man! For a long run: for marriage she wants all of that at the beginning!. She wants materials things which i couldn't provide at the moment or near future! Even with these, she doesn't sure about me! I didn't realise or ignore on purpose these claims. I understood know she did it because she wanted me to quit. But i did't quit! Let's be honest i tought about that time to time.

Additionaly my education is up in the air, i am 25, and still university student with no job, no profession :/

Story continued.

I started a job for her, full time job. With distance from my home to work, i gave 14 hours/6 days of my life a job which doesn't related with my occupation. I was not sad for that because price is so so damn good, i thought so :/. I wanted to get her. I did everything what i could. I know i don't know what to do but i do something very important and difficult for me because of her. I did this, i did that doesn't matter i know. I shouldn't tell these so i won't tell. So at the and, she finally wanted to meet me. She called me at the afternoon with happy mood and want to meet me but i was not convenient, we met at the night (Before she called me i nearly cried for 2 hours for sadness at this day. And before than when i remember her at the office sometimes i couldn't hold myself and was moved to tears). She told me at the phone, she was gonna say something very important to me. I understood immediately what she was gonna say but i said nothing. We met and she said: "We are done, we are very different, it is not working, i don't love you, you don't know how to treat a girl...". I felt like shit, complete shit. If i have to be honest with you guys i was nearly crying but i hold myself however 1-2 tears escaped, i couldn't hold. We broke up just like that. Than 1-2 a.m. she sent me a message that we have a break (time is not certain), she do her things, handle her own business (herself, family etc) and tell me i need to improve nearly everything, and than maybe, big maybe we will be together. She didn't forget to add this: don't get your hopes high!

Nearly 10 days passed, but i feel a little bit better, i was so sad at the beginning of seperation, i got sick and couldn't go job last 3 days. She is balls deep in my head. I always think about her. I already have other problems: university, family, job etc. I even thought about suicide time to time before all of this happen (not for girl). And than how should i deal with these? I can't put together. You can say look forward, act normal, get motivated, good streak etc. I am not saying this is all hype and bullshit. No, it is true , i felt some of my best during this period. All the things happened to me is my experince of my life, i know. I just got some butthurt and i stil hurts me. I tried my best to make it happen, but she never wanted it like me not even close, she always acted like it can always be finished, just like that! I don't know perhaps my biggest sin is crave on it like my life depend on it. I still feel something about her but not sure what it is!

What should i do right now, you can probably easily say life is going on brother keep going! You nearly made it 90 days of NOFAP. Don't go panic mode and binge on it. Thanks for that i don't want fake shit anymore and i trust God to protect for me (us) for them. I don't make myself something legendary or important than anyone. All of us is unique. My point is, I do not wanna grow my ego with this, you know. I don't wanna talk about that. Just feel sad, exhausted. I want to take a vacation but i need to put my shit together! One after another i got so tired!