The Story So Far

Let me take you back to a time when I was around 11 or 12, someone emailed me a picture of a naked lady which didn't get marked as spam, at that time I immediately clicked off of it, with that haunting image in my mind. That should've been the end of the story sadly, around age 12 & 1/2 I got into hypnosis. Which is really not an evil practice imo, rather just something that led me into a rabbit hole. Sometime later I discovered due to hypnosis ways to manipulate pleasure sensations, funnily enough first time this happened you walked in, & it wasn't something I found on purpose.

Eventually my moral standard was weak & on youtube I looked for pretty girls, though porn site directly I never dared venture too starting with hfo videos, after my first time I new this would be a serious problem & the battle began pretty much after first ejaculation. during my years through 12 & 1/2 to 14 longest streak I could maintain was around two weeks at most. This was devastating, while my refusal to give in & accept it stopped it from ever progressing to real porn sites/other vile things... It morally had me in ruins.

In my mind this room became a symbol of my weakness, my lack of ability to conquer my demons... Facing this problem was the majority of what was on my mind, & things I did outside of that were to help me stop this problem.
Anyway now you know a little bit about me, I'll tell you my "redemption." On reddit I found r/nofap & r/nofapchristians... Hearing others stories & seeing that others like me were able to conquer this problem inspired me to my [old] longest streak. When I was 14 in October with this new tool on my back I conquered 27 days, it was like a right of passage to turning 15 at the time.

As you see from the old, I failed... Nevertheless I was determined. In November I joined a website called https://www.conqueredself.com/. This website was a side activity for those rebooting from pmo. [pmo means porn, masturbation, orgasm.] First war I was filled with excitement. Joining the community. Only lasted seven days before caving to in hindsight booooring pleasure. My fellow soldiers fighting beside me I let down... This was devastating. I closed myself off till I had 5 days on my back, had to prove that I could get back up. So I did, still though... I caved in to the pleasure once more in December. Last time I PMOed before my longest streak was December 26th.

This will sound funny. A rat died exactly where I PMOed. That was a "warning" from God, if I didn't pick myself up from this rabbit hole he'd intervene(probably not really but that's how I took it at the time). So I picked myself up. Wasn't willing to risk having it be a New Years Revolution I new if that wasn't the last time consequences would ensue. Through that battle I let not the habit progress, I kept it at bay, not ever truly killing it, nonetheless I went from 27 days being my best to 80.
Am I mad at myself for falling into temptation in the past & after the streak? Honestly no. I had to use this struggle in order for me to sort myself out. Those cold showers/baths while now they might be legitimately enjoyed at the time of adopting them it was me trying desperately to try to get out of the world I put myself in. My smear of sugar isn't because I have a problem with sugar but because I've seen it do what pmo did to me, that anger for pmo I've redirected in educating people about sugar, and even my fitness habits weren't an attempt to be healthier but rather an attempt to figure out how to use sexual transmutation into physical energy. My habit of listening to two-three sermons a week on average aren't things I did to be closer to God, rather to try to find an answer & escape my problem. Yeah laughable I know turning to "God" as a form of escapism. Even fasting a practice which now I hold dear to my heart, at the beginning was two things, first off a response to someone needing "God's will" & having no other way to express it, yet more commonly it was more of me following a rule i.e if I relapse no food tomorrow for tomorrow I have to reconcile with my true self.

These habits I've learned to truly love as they keep me disciplined and allow me to achieve my goals reliably. My heart now genuinely loves fasting, cold exposure, sermons, one meal a day, fitness, & health.

Truth that I've accepted isn't for everyone, some enjoy to be miserable... For example a friend of mind we've talked about this issue before and he's deeper than I ever was in the rabbit hole, he genuinely believes he can't change therefore he won't be able to. Nonetheless I've shared it with him so when judgement day comes he has no excuses.

I decided to share this with my Dad in an email similar to this advising him to
Check out conqueredself, there's a no nicotine & smoking war & a nopmo war. Which he seem to still struggle with both [though he has discarded his sword].

Now I'll leave you with an idea, the man who is on the upward spiral shall continue going upwards however, the man on the downward spiral shall continue spiraling downwards." ~ Modified Email that I messaged my dad.

This was from earlier this year, while I didn't keep that streak afterwords I've never truly been the slave that I was to PMO during my darkest hours. I've failed many more times than I should have but I am 100% committed to becoming the best possible version of myself for my sake, & to be an inspiration to others.

Keep me accountable, don't allow me to become my Dad! I will become perfect through my actions, I will never give up my aim to reach perfection nor should you. We can do this together. We will achieve our dreams, give up our vices, & be the person whom we want to be! I promise you, will you share your stories & make that promise?

 

Thanks man. I won't be offended if you give me a compliment & check in with me from time to time. I wish you to also conquer your life

 

It's a start, I'm excited yet got to be careful. The second week is bound to have challenges of it's own. Nevertheless I'm ready for battle. Nice job on nearly approaching 80.

 

Messed up again today... I just.
My reality seems to be incoherent.
Strategies that have given me huge success in the past are now null/ineffective for the most part.
If you have any advice or words of encouragement let me know.

 

For the past I suppose 7 months by now... DAMN, I REMEMBER AT THE START OF THE YEAR I WAS CONVINCED I'D BE DUMB WITH THIS STUPID CRAP. Wait, 7 months, that means for the past 5 months... I've been failing miserably I didn't realize that... . Well umm, sorry that has me startled.

Ok well since a little before December last year I have been taking cold showers, eating one meal a day, cultivating my purpose through the power of auto-suggestion & sowing the seed. Meditating, trying my best in my circumstance to create a exceedingly abundant social life as best I can, refining my art abilities, learning how to draw, figure out what the hell i believe regarding religion & diligently getting as much information as I can, always saying yes to invitations if I don't already have something planned. Yet all those things done consistently has not produced the result that I desired. I keep on trying to apply the passion I have for life to rid myself of this habit, yet the best success I've ever gotten is 80 days & that was months ago. With only measly streaks since, longest being around a month or so. I could have all my dreams come true, but if this stays a habit I will never attain happiness. Happiness & PMO are incompatible for me. Yet all those good habits haven't produced any permanent result despite my faithfulness to them. Something has been holding me back, drawing me back to PMO, I use to think I new what that was, but I earnestly have no idea now.