After 3 years and two months, I am back in Boston

I started my fight against PMO on May 12 th, 2015 after 40 years of severe addiction to PMO ( 4-5 times per day) plus random hook ups and hiring hundred of escorts.
I stayed PMO free until two months ago, when I had one reset ( just MO, no P) just 2 days after my 3rd reboot anniversary.
Fortunately it was a one time event, probably triggered by some problems in my job and in my life ( my Dad was very sick, actually he died on May 31 st).
I was a bit afraid of that reset being the beginning of serial relapses but fortunately all I have learned during these past 3 years gave me the strength to stand on my feet and keep enduring a PMO free life.
I come back to Boston to teach 4 times per year. This is my favorite city outside Miami, that is where I live. I come often to read and write to a Barnes & Noble in Prudential.
I am sitting down now in the same place where I was exactLy 3 years ago, and remembered how depressed and insecure I was feeling by then.
I was in my 2nd month of reboot . Urges where super strong. I used to have a lot of PMO and sex in this city before I started reboot. I always “took advantage “of being alone, far away from my home and my wife, and had all the sex I could possible have. Like an animal that could not stop, I used to hook up every night, after classes, or hired one or even two escorts per evening.
All these memories came back, I was super tempted to call again “my favorite escort in town”. My brain was still so filled in with P that I could not think straight.
To avoid the temptation I left my hotel and came to this bookstore . It was a “safe place” because I could not watch P or masturbate here, lol
I says down in the Starbucks inside the bookstore and tried to read some books but could not concentrate. So I started writein in NoFap about how weak I was feeling, how afraid I was that my brain will never retire, that I was so fucked up after 40 years of addiction that will never be able t9 function like a “normal guy”.
It was not easy, the fight was long and some days I felt stronger than others.
But here I am, 3 years later. I can tell now that the brain really can rewire. Slowly all the shit we loaded to our mind starts fading. I have some urges some days, but they are not 10% of the strength they used to have. My mind was completely surrendered to the addiction and the cravings to MO.
I can now use all the techniques I have learned, to get out of this trance and get back to reality. I can tell myself that it is not worth to get back to a life like that. A compulsive, repugnant creepy human being, spending hundred of hours in front of a screen, having sex with his right hand while looking to pixelated P stars.
Fapstronauts : do not doubt one single minute that this war can be won. It is a new battle every day, do not take anything for granted.
I want to share with you the sentence that has helped me the most , my mantra every time I get an urge: “ if you want to know if something is good or bad for you, just ask yourself two questions : where this will lead you? And how it will leave you.”
If the answer is “sad, depressed, hating yourself, with a low self-esteem”,DO NOT DO IT.
Is as simple as that!!!
Ok, is not that simple,but it is a good way to start
Keep on fighting
Fercho

 

@2dayz_iz_2long , do not lower your arms and quit the fight. Every time you reloase you need to get up and restart stronger. Try to understand what you can chabge this time so you keep improving
Stay strong
Fercho

 

I faced some hard times during the last few days.
One guy from this site wrote me last week a PM saying that he wanted me to be his mentor. He was 20, and was lost. He told me that he is addicted to chats and cybersex
I accepted to help him. After a few days he asked me for my Hangouts ID to “have a more fluid conversation “. That was my mistake
I tried to mentor him on how to stop the cyber sex, and how to fight his fear to have sex with real people.
The second day he started flirting with me. He knew I am bisexual and sent me his picture and started telling me about his fantasies.
All the phantoms from my past came back, I used to spend hours chatting with guys, flirting, exchanging pictures and having cyber sex via online camera.
As soon as I realized what he was doing I told him that I could not keep mentoring and left the chat.
But “the Gremlin” had enough stimuli to get awake once again.
At night I was feeling super excited and could not sleep. I entered in “autopilot” and started browsing videos of who used to be my “favorite” P star before I started my reboot. K-9 stopped my first attempts but I ended up watching one video for a couple of minutes.
I could recognize the rush of adrenaline and dopamine going up in my head, and the familiar feeling of dizziness I used to have.
I walked like a zombie to the bathroom to MO ( my wife was sleeping in the bed next to me). It seemed that I could not stop.
But fortunately so many years exercising my willpower in NoFap got its benefit. I could get out of this trance, think over and realize that I was caught again in a deceitful lie.
I started an inner dialogue between my emotional and rational part of my brain, the way Mark Queppet from NoFap Academy trains us to stand against the cravings.
I explained myself why relapsing was a bad idea, how bad I would feel afterwards, depressed and sad. I explained myself that this video I just saw was a lie, that these actors are slaves of the porn industry. That they do not enjoy the sex as they pretend on screen. That they are abused by the studio director, they are drug junkies and they will probably die young and 50 % of the P actors.
I had the experience of hiring a famous P star as escort before started my reboot, and he told me all this.
So I stopped, stand on my ground and chose not to MO. I got back to the bed and started meditating using Headspace. The rush on my mind dissapeared and could calm down and fell asleep.
This morning I got up very satisfied with my decision. It was tough, but could see the light of a new day full of hope.
One more battle one, one more day clean
Stay strong
Fercho
PS: this guy already left the site , his nickname was hidd3n

 

Today I am in a business trip alone in a hotel. I was driving to the hotel making a plan: I would buy some salad I like in the supermarket as dinner, and will go to the gym after eating this, before going to bed, to do some bicycle and to watch one episode of a TV show I am watching right now in Netflix called Fauda ( BTW, it is a great thriller of you like spy shows full of violence and blood, lol. It is about the Israeli and Palestine conflict
Suddenly I realized how different is my life now. In the past I would be rushing to the hotel to hide in the room for 3 hours to watch P, have cyber sex or look for an escort to hire.
I would have MO at least 2 or 3 times, until there was nothing left inside me to ejaculate.
So even with all the small setbacks, I will keep fighting against my primal impulses.

Fercho

 

I got to 3 years and 4 months last week.
I realized my 3 pillars for success is currently are:
Meditating every morning 10 minutes using Headspace : this gives me peace of mind and helps the reason of my urges to get less important ( usually problems at work or at home)
Going to the gym 4-5 times per week to do 35 minutes bicycle while reading mi IPad ( or even writing like now) helps me to vent out stress and get the pent up “horniness” dissapear
Inner dialogues: every time I get an urge, the rational part of my brain explains the addicted part why all this fantasy is a big lie, nothing is so grea as my brain wantus me to make me believe
Last week I had an important milestone in this .
Are used to have my most favorite porn star ,I was is addicted to this guy.
I used to watch his movies hundred of times.
The reset I had a few months ago was when I realized I could watch the video I like the most through his Twitter account without K 9 to block it.
The role of him as the strong powerful macho was what excited me when I was feeling weak and with low self esteem
Last week I learned that this guy is being accused by many men of sexual attacking them, even in clubs and without them flirting or making contact with him.
He broke the lip of one of them at a restroom and forced him to have sex with this guy bleeding.
My rational , healed part of the brain could easily explain the former addict: are really this REAL LIFE events what turned you on? Do you think this is nice and exciting? Do you realize this is the same shit that happened to you in 6 th grade in the school restroom when you were sexually abused by three older kids? Get away from my life forever, fucking liar! This is not nice, not appealing and you will not push me to believe that I like this in real life at all!
Stop trying to deceive me, to tell me that these “ golden fantasies” are real good. I was there and it was hell, as these guys have been since they were raped.
I saw trails in Twitter saying: why this guys were silence so long? Can we believe all these porn stars and gay clubbers?
I tell you why we keep silence: we felt guilty, we were ashamed, we imagined that so many idiots will say exactly that! That it was our fault, even being 10 years old like I was!
I want to our this in writing because “the Gremlin”will probably try to convince me f this shit many more times ahead,
But I will say NO, THIS IS A BIG LIE. PORN IS NOT REAL. THIS PORN STARS WE SEE ENJOYING THEMSELVES ARE NOT ENJOYING. THEY ARE SUFFERING. OR THEY ARE CARZU ABUSIVE BASTARSS LIKE THIS GUY, WHICH GETS PAID TO RAPE PEOPLE ON SCREEM BUT STILL KEEPS DOING TO INOCENT PEOPLE WHEN THE LIGHT IS OFF
spread the voice Fapstronauts !
The lie needs to be over
Stay clean
Fercho

 

Thank you so much @Lima123 !

 

Dear Fapstronauts.
I completed 3 years and 4 months of fighting against the PMO on the 12th, which was also my birthday! I always say that the day Instarted my reboot is my second birthday, because I allowed myself a chance to start having a real life again, an not a shitty, miserable life any more. These last months were complicated because I had several family and work problems. I had a relapse looking at P and MO 4 months ago, after that I did not do it again. I was with very strong urges several times during these last months, and the addicted brain always wants to take me to do it again. Through internal dialogues "I explain" myself why I should not do it, that I will be more depressed and sad, and it will not help me solve my problems.
Yesterday I had a very strong urge to go back to the page of escorts and hire one, but I left the house to the gym, I vented out stress and pent up energy and I could contain myself.
I am in a "regime" in which I allow myself to masturbate once a month, but without the use of P or any erotic image that I have stored in my brain. As soon as I detect that I am "cheating" I interrupt. I do this because my wife is going through her menopause and she has no desire to have sex for several months, and she is very depressed. In this way I can release all the accumulated stress, and avoid getting to things that make me very bad like hiring escorts, watching P or having promiscuous sex with people I met on the internet, as I did in an unrestrained way until 3 years ago and 4 months, before starting my reboot.
This I do not recommend for those who are still in the process of "rewiring" the brain, because the P images are still very much in the brain and it is impossible for them not to appear. The good news is that after several years of rebooting and not using P, these images are forgotten , and little by little our brain clears of so much garbage that we store for so many years of PMO
Friends: this fight is very hard and is for life, but never lower your arms, because you can dominate the "Gremlin" that we have inside.
Let the fight continue
Fercho



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