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Now do you understand how it feels? (spouse of a PA)

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by BetterThanYourHand, Feb 26, 2018.

  1. Recovering PA

    Recovering PA Fapstronaut

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    I have just finished reading a marvellous book recommended to me on this site that I am of the opinion we addicts need to read. It's called "the man of her dreams/ the woman of his". Its on Amazon and I am considering buying a paper copy after downloading and reading it. Anyone who has had addiction or misguidance in their relationship including adultery needs to read. I can't believe how much it has helped me. Thanks to @GhostWriter you were sent from heaven to help me and my SO.
     
    Torn and Jennica like this.
  2. Recovering PA

    Recovering PA Fapstronaut

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    Definitely let me check our diary and I will message back x
     
  3. Lol! Did you realise you just sent Ghostie a kiss ? You're head must be somewhere else X :D:D:oops::oops:
     
    Recovering PA likes this.
  4. GeeWhizz

    GeeWhizz Fapstronaut

    What’s wrong with kissing Ghostie ?
     
    Recovering PA likes this.
  5. Recovering PA

    Recovering PA Fapstronaut

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    Yes I did, i have love for how he has helped me.
     
    Jennica and Torn like this.
  6. This is legitimately terrifying, I don't even have a spouse & now I feel like I have to apologize . Thanks for the heart scare. I AM COMMITTED TO MAKING THIS REBOOT WORK!
     
  7. Torn

    Torn Fapstronaut

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    @BetrayedMermaid
     
  8. There's no such thing as a woman of your dreams and anyone who thinks there's such a thing is deluded!
     
  9. Recovering PA

    Recovering PA Fapstronaut

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    soul mate? the person you feel most at ease with or close to on another level. these people exist.
     
  10. No such thing as a soul mate either - there are many potential partners but there isn't just this one person. With a soul mate ideology, you have the domino effect. It's a mistake to think there's a perfect looking woman, with a perfect personality and character out there for you. Everyone has their imperfections.
     
  11. Recovering PA

    Recovering PA Fapstronaut

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  12. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    This is your opinion. While I don't really believe there is a 'perfect man/woman' that doesn't mean that others are wrong in thinking that or finding the person they find to be perfect, flaws and all. Same on soul mates, not something I really believe in, but I will not say others are wrong for believing so. Everyone has their own opinions of what is perfect, or the person of their dreams.
     
    Jennica and Recovering PA like this.
  13. Xander74

    Xander74 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your constructive input. Keep it coming.
     
  14. Steveju

    Steveju Fapstronaut

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    You are totally right. Many of us feel like fools for being exactly like that. It’s why we are here. I hope we all continue to strive to make ourselves and others around us better and more respectful.
     
    Xander74 likes this.
  15. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Lot of truth here. Oldie, but a goodie.
     
  16. Joe1023

    Joe1023 Fapstronaut

    I absolutely do not even have the words. This post is so profound and it hits home like VERY few other posts I've read. In my opinion, this

    post is articulated and detailed very well by someone who not only has been hurt by someone with an addiction to lust, but by someone who

    clearly understands the general mindset of that addict; that nothing matters more than being with that addict's drug of choice, porn.

    My heart goes out to you, and on behalf of all lust addicts, I'd like to apologize to you.

    I son't know where you and your SO are with his addiction, but I can say that at least for myself, I am beginning to see some of the pain I've caused my wife over the years. From initially acknowledging the addiction to seriously working on my recovery and sobriety was, unfortunately, a long time. I am now just over a year sober and mt wife has stayed with me and forgiven me, thanks to her and to my God.

    I get really frustrated seeing the posts of addicts, some on here, but mostly back when I was on facebook, about guys asking for prayer because they'd be alone for the whole weekend. Inevitably, they'd eventually post about how they'd fallen because they just didn't have the strength to "go the distance" as they say. Those guys seem to put everything on other people's prayers without actually taking any action themselves to stay sober the entire time they're alone. Others, clearly not wanting to go the full distance, ask if edging without finishing is okay. Once I even a post asking if keeping some of a porn stash is okay, and someone responded with "Yes its okay, because you never know when you'll need it."

    I think your post is an excellent tool for those of us addicts who just haven't seen the light yet. Obviously no one can force us to see the light, but with posts like this one, it sure helps those who actually WANT to see the light.

    Thank you for this post. Seriously and genuinely.


    God bless you.
     
  17. BookNerd42

    BookNerd42 Fapstronaut

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    Wow! This has shattered me. I read it 3x over an hour to commit it to memory

    It's so easy for us p addicts to jump right into defensiveness, and although my wife has tried articulating how she feels less than I never truly listened as well as I could have. I'd accuse her of making my recovery journey about her. But I cannot even fathom the levels and depth of pain, doubt, self loathing, stress and anxiety I have caused her with my actions. I only know that if the shoes were switched, then I could not possibly live through all that.... it's really something to take to heart

    I've been on my recovery journey for 4 months now. Many ups, many downs. I've allowed too many excuses for why I needed each relapse or reset and I've been open and honest with my wife when they happen, and have watched her collapse inwardly each time. Tonight was a big one, long argument, yelling over each other. I need to not get defensive. I need for 1 minute to think, what if this was reversed. I need to hear that she's hurt without explaining (see "justifying") the science of addiction and excuses that "I only looked" for example. I need to just hear the pain I caused without trying to fix it right away. I can only make it better one day at a time and I hope to God she continues to give me that chance.
     
  18. used19

    used19 Fapstronaut

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    You might find the book, Worthy of Her Trust, a good read. Even if you are not religious the points are still great. The ups and downs you will face will keep coming. They ease a bit each time, assuming you don't relapse, but they do ease. In a moment where you do not know what to do when she is hurting, sometimes just letting her know that you understand how painful what you did was and that you are sorry may be all you can say. Sometimes I just need my husband to see the destruction, not out of a desire to hurt him, but out of a desire that I need him to understand how wrecked I am. It's hard when your best friend is also the one who wrecked you.
     
    BookNerd42, hope4healing and Starling like this.

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