Is Porn addiction a cause or a symptom?

Warning: This is a long post. If you're pressed for time, close this window then come back and read it when you've got more time. Some of you won't agree with me, and that's okay. This is just food for thought.

So I'm pondering this question after my most recent relapse. I've been on and off these forums for a while, I've read quite a few "success stories" where people have used incredible feats of willpower to go 90, 180 days, or longer, only to relapse later on anyway. Also look at all the youtubers who talk about nofap, and often achieve great streaks before eventually putting out an "I relapsed" video or a "nofap doesn't work" video.

To be honest, I'm starting to question whether or not abstinence is the right approach. Now don't get me wrong, I realise that abstaining from porn is a fundamental part of quitting the addiction. I'm certainly not suggesting that people should all go out and relapse right now. However, I think there are a few things that the "just do a 90 day reboot, man" crowd might be missing.

Firstly, here is some bad news. We are biologically driven to procreate, and therefore be aroused by sexual stimuli. Yes, I accept that a percentage of the population is homosexual, and I don't judge them for that, but really, it's irrelevant because they still have the same drives the rest of us do. They just find different things attractive. The point is, I no longer believe trying to suppress those desires is going to work.

To be honest, the fact that some men feel that the sight of a naked attractive woman is a 'trigger' is ridiculous. You should be triggered by that. Being aroused by a naked woman is a sign of healthy sexuality. Nor do I believe that going home and jerking off to the memory of her (assuming she's not on a screen) is going to send you spiralling into a world of depravity, or drain your ultra masculine alpha male sperm chakra.

Nor do I believe that a guy who goes out to a bar or a club, spends a few hours trying to pick up, but goes home and jerks off when he fails necessarily has a problem. At least he's gone out and talked to real people. Personally, I think that's healthier than the guy who goes online and posts about all his life's problems on a message board all day, but somehow has a 'streak' on nofap.

So who do I think has a problem with porn? The guy who's always late for work because he sat up late the night before watching porn has a problem. The guy who watches porn instead of going out and meeting real people has a problem. The guy who watches depraved forms of porn that threaten his legal rights within his own community definitely has a problem. The guy who watches so much porn his dick stops working has a problem. The guy who wastes a fuck-ton of money on hookers trying to relive porn scenes also has a problem.

Think of it this way: the left of the spectrum is the guy who does some or all of the things I mentioned in the above paragraph. The right of the spectrum is trying to trick your brain into believing that your sexuality is evil, vile, useless and something to be ashamed off. Neither extreme is healthy, but don't take my word for it. Just look how many Catholic Priests try to position themselves on the right of the spectrum and end up doing inappropriate things to children.

The question is, what differentiates the guy who develops a porn problem from the guy who does not? I'm beginning to think that excessive use of porn is a symptom of other underlying issues. In that regard, I'm starting to wonder if porn is any different from any other vices, like drugs or alcohol. I've often said that the reason I developed a porn problem was because I received drug and alcohol education at school, but there was nothing at porn save for a few moral objections from people who had never seen it (or so they claimed).

The real question is why I developed an addiction to anything in the first place. Was it just some underlying issue of loneliness (I was a loner as a teenager and still am to some extent), depression and/or stagnation? Was it just a way to find 'certainty' in a world ruled by chaos and uncertainty? Was it simply an attempt to get back something I felt I had 'lost' from the past (maybe an opportunity or another girl)?

The thing is, we have to accept some truths here. The past isn't coming back, and stewing over missed opportunities or past mistakes will only cause us to miss more opportunities. It's actually a vicious circle. We do something we're conditioned to be 'ashamed' of, then we spend so long beating ourselves up about it that we miss an opportunity to do something or have something. That missed opportunity depresses us, and we slide back into the same rabbit hole all over again. I'm about to re-read Mark Manson's The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, which actually covers this very point. Sometimes life sucks and we make mistakes, and that's okay.

So what is the answer? I now believe the true answer is to move yourself to the middle of the spectrum I mentioned four paragraphs ago. After all, life isn't waiting 90 days for you to "reboot". That cute girl you like? If you don't move on her now, some other guy will, and she won't tell him to back off just because she's waiting 90 days for you to reboot. That mountain you want to climb? If the sun's shining outside, today's the best day to do it.

Put some porn blockers on your computer and phone, then go and do those things, or anything else you might have wanted to do. Above all, don't be ashamed of the things you're attracted to. Don't be ashamed of your sexuality (but please, control it enough so that you at least wait until you get home to rub one out to the memory of woman with the best ass in your hiking club wearing tights).

Stop counting up days and streaks. For two reasons. Firstly, do you think that a porn problem of 10+ years is going to be 'cured' by 90 days of abstinence? Please. That could take several years of gradual improvement -- all the more reason to start living life today. Secondly, streaks are often misleading as I alluded to above. The guy who goes from several multi-hour porn binges a week to simply fapping without porn once a week for around 10 minutes or so has made HUGE progress, regardless of his counter only showing six days.

And an idea I learned from Neil Strauss in The Truth that I'm going to try out: If the urge to watch porn becomes overpowering (or threatens to do so), go and rub one out BEFORE you watch it. Then see if you still want to spend hours trying to find the 'perfect' porn clip. If you're thinking of visiting an escort, rub one out FIRST, then see if you still want to spend $200+ on some woman who doesn't care about you and looks nothing like her 10 year old photoshopped picture.

I will conclude this rather long-winded post with a quote from Shelley Lubben (the former porn actress who founded the Pink Cross foundation to help women out of porn). Shelley had a section on porn addiction on that site back in the day, and her suggestion was to create new habits, rather than trying to stop old habits. I think Shelley might have been right after all.

 

To be honest I don't really know what the 'goal' is either. I guess it's because what I've been doing previously hasn't been working, so I'm considering other approaches.

 

For a long time I thought porn was the problem itself. The fact that was able to stay away from other addictions such as drugs or alcohol further convinced me of this. But I've been rethinking that position lately. Most of my recent relapses have involved chat rooms, tumblr blogs or commenting on videos on tube sites. I now believe that deep down I was looking for some kind of connection, the kind I just didn't have before. It just felt easier at the time to hit up those chat rooms and the like because I "knew" that I already had something in common with the people there. Going out and meeting new people requires us to get out of our comfort zones, which can be scary if you've been a loner up until that point.

So yeah, I now believe that porn addiction (or any other addiction) is likely a symptom of unmet needs in broader life. But it's also a bit of a catch-22, because I know from experience that the temporary comfort of porn can definitely decrease our motivation and drive to seek out the things that will really give us fulfilment.

 

This is a very valid point. In time, porn can and usually does cause problems of it's own. The comfort provided by porn also reduces any incentives one might have to seek help for their underlying problems. After all, it's much easier to fire up a porn site than it is to think back on all those things your father said (or didn't say) when you were younger.

I suppose the next question is how we should treat a porn addiction. Do we just try to abstain and hope for the best? Or do we concentrate on fixing the other issues, even accepting the occasional relapse, until we feel we don't need porn anymore?

 

I think you made a great post, and I agree with most of it, but I just wanted to address this point in particular. It's up to the individual to decide whether or not masturbation is in line with their morals. I was purely referring to it in a practical sense as a crutch one can use while addressing their other issues. A bit like a person trying to quit smoking might use nicotine patches to help them get over the worst of their addiction. You may disagree with masturbation on moral grounds, that is your choice, but I would invite you to consider one question. Is a ten minute masturbation session as bad or worse than a two hour porn binge or a trip to a dodgy part of town to meet an escort? Because if a man MO's before doing either of those things, I guarantee he'll decide to go and do something else.

However, if you're going to use MO in your routine, it should be done under certain circumstances:

1. Not more than one or twice a week (three times absolute maximum)
2. It should never be done at all if you have a partner with whom you are expecting (or expected) to be sexual.
3. Never anywhere porn is playing.

 

These were ones I came up with myself, they just seem logical to me. I'm always interested in hearing other perspectives on this.

That's a valid point. I suppose I was relating my own experience where trying to go "hard mode" ultimately led to a massive relapse, and often left me worse off than when I started. Maybe it's better to focus on eliminating one vice at a time. You know the old saying, "Man who chases two rabbits catches none". I also think that once porn is eliminated, the desire (and frequency) of masturbation will decline on it's own regardless. We have to start by getting this artificial stimulation out of our heads.

 

To be totally honest, the more I think about it, the more I think perceiving one's self as an addict isn't necessarily the right way to go about it. For me the whole "I'm an addict" thing became just another excuse to relapse. "Oh, woe is me! I'm a porn addict! I just can't stay clean therefore I need porn." I think one of the important steps to getting over any addiction is changing your perception of yourself. Start seeing yourself as a 'clean' guy, and keep reinforcing that to yourself. Get to the point that when those old urges come up, you just say "that's not me anymore", and then you go and do something else.

Now it's up to the individual to determine what their goals are. If your goal is to never orgasm again and practice semen retention, then by all means you should eliminate all forms of MO. For me that isn't my goal. I happen to agree with the doctors who say that the occasional release actually does have some health benefits. I also don't believe that sex is taboo or harmful, except for the fact that we pedestalise it too much (but that's another argument). I don't believe that our natural desires as heterosexual (or even homosexual) men are anything to be ashamed of. That's why I shake my head when I see threads on here where people complain about being 'triggered' by something they saw or the way a woman was dressed today. You should be triggered by that, it's a sign of healthy sexuality. I'm also old school enough to remember the days when I used to MO (a lot less frequently I might add) without the aid of P, simply because P just wasn't available.

I believe it's also a sign of healthy sexuality to be in touch with your own body, and your own desires. I genuinely don't believe that MO is bad under certain circumstances, those being that it's done in moderation, that it's done with no assistance from porn at all, and that it doesn't interfere with the rest of your life.