Positivity

So I was planning on posting this big long entry as the first post in my own journal, with my own story of how I got here and what I had gone through and all that, but unfortunately, I accidentally deleted it. And after the night I've had, I'm in no place to remind myself of all the bad times I've been through to get here.

So I decided I'd use this post to focus on some of the positive things this journey has taught me.

I recently went through some hard times with my girlfriend, and I almost lost her. And even though we're still together now, it's no sure thing that we will be in the future if I can't get myself together. The one good thing to come out of all this is that I no longer have any secrets from her. I had been telling her for months that I had been PMO free, when really I was relapsing every few days. Every time another month would pass, she would look at me and tell me how good I was doing, and how proud of me she was. And I would thank her and pretend to be excited, but inside I was miserable, and angry, and confused. I was miserable because here was this beautiful, innocent creature who placed so much of her love and faith and trust in me, and in return, I betrayed her time and time again. And I was angry at myself that I couldn't make myself stop, and confused at why I couldn't just man up and tell her, or just stop relapsing.

But now that everything is out in the open, I feel that much closer to her. Yes, I caused her a lot of pain. And it hasn't gone away yet, and probably won't for a while, but at least now I have nothing to hide from her. I can be completely open and honest with her about everything, and while the truth may be painful sometimes, there is healing in telling it when a lie would have been easier.

Another thing that has been wonderful is that I am now completely present and with her when we are having sex. Before, I would be lost in my own fantasies and visions, trying to get myself off, and I would completely ignore the sexy, beautiful woman that I was actually there with. But since re-dedicating myself to NoFap and consciously abstaining from fantasizing during sex, I can be completely with her now, and it feels AMAZING. I no longer have to picture girls who I will never meet and who will never even know I exist, and feel ashamed and disgusted afterwaed. Instead, I can focus on the incredible woman I am with who loves me and who wants nothing more than to be with me. And I have nothing to feel guilty about afterward. It's the best feeling in the world. And I know its only going to get better

 

Thanks Gray, I appreciate the feedback. That's the first time anyones ever called something I said "inspirational". If that doesn't boost your mood, nothing will.

You stay strong too. We can do this