The early bird gets the worm (vM's new Journal)

Here I am. Relapsing a fourth, or fifth time... not exactly sure. I've been here before. Sad and pathetic. Alone and depleted of energy. It's such an easy escape, to watch porn and O. You don't have to do anything else.

It's such an easy fix. I don't want to make recovery a hard thing, but it is. It's been really hard for me. I don't even see myself reaching 90 days anymore. Any motivation I had I've lost it. I am at square one, circle zero. Total reset.

I'm going to try and keep this journal as simple as possible and actually put everything I have in to making it 90 days. I know I can do this if I really try. I've just been putting it off and not giving a fuck lately. I showed so much improvement over 36 days. I want to get back to that. I can't just go to work, come home and fap, and go back to work. That is a sad fucking existence. I want to move up in life. I want to make progress. I am moving backwards. Spiraling downwards.

Everything has to change, today. Right now.

Day 0

Reason for my relapse:
Not keeping my door open
Not staying off social media sites
Chatting with strangers on the internet (you guys don't count)
Looking for trouble
Not having anything productive to do outside of work

Reason's I want to quit watching porn:
It's a waste of time.
It drains me of sexual and creative energy.
It makes me feel guilty and like a dirtbag.
It takes away testosterone.
It's unnatural.
It uses people and hurts them.
It causes porn induced erectile dysfunction.
I'm addicted to it.
I've become dependent on watching it.
I use it to escape from troubles or boredom.
There's a million things to do cooler than watching porn.

How I feel when I don't watch porn for over a week:
More confident
Magnetic
Clean
Healthier
More focused
Driven
Passionate
Funny
Creative

How I feel after I watch porn:
Dirty
Loser
Horrible
Depressed
Anxious
Like a slug
Stupid
Foggy
Brain zombie

Things I'm going to do EVERYDAY during this reboot:

Read for at least two hours a day, fiction or non-fiction it doesn't matter. Just read. I feel as if fiction is a waste of time and I'm not learning anything, but I'm not learning anything watching porn so it will be okay for now. I have about 50+ readers digest novels sitting on a bookshelf behind me. I'm going to put them to good use. They're my grandpa's so it would be cool to say I read all of them someday.

Play StarCraft, and try to get better at it. Just for fun not competitively. No reason to push myself too hard.

Meditate for at least 15 minutes before work, and 15 minutes after work. This will help me distress and it's good for me.

Watch at least one motivating/inspiring video a day.

Limit my computer use to less than two hours a day and focus only on writing in my journal, watching something education/motivational, or playing StarCraft. No more than two hours permitted. I spend too much time on this thing.

Post in my journal and use a checklist.

Wake up at 5am.

Go to sleep by 10:30pm.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen.