My journal

3 days removed from dday.

Every day has been hard for me and my wife. Not from any PMO urges, just the damage I have done.

She is mad at me this morning because I didn't wake up when she got out of bed with the kids.

I feel like I'm trying to learn about my addiction to PMO to give me the best shot at conquering it but it's only getting in the way of me also learning how to treat my wife like a wife should and deserves to be treated.

I feel like they go hand in hand. My 15+ year PMO addiction has made me an empty shell. How can an empty shell be there emotionally and physically for a wife in such need.

She's amazing for giving me this opportunity and I don't want to lose it. I see two potentially healthy paths down this road and I don't know which is correct.

Path 1: I figure out someway to manage learning and practicing both of these foreign subjects even if one depends on the other. (This is obviously the path she deserves)

Path 2: I figure out a way to make her feel like my progress and direction is acceptable.

I'm doing my best to practice what I learned from a Dr Doug Weiss video yesterday about how to help process, validate and help her with her current emotions but it's literally info I took in hours ago and remembering and applying is hard. I think I successfully navigated a convo using this technique but I know I missed several opportunities to reapply and help my wife go through the healing process.

What paths am I missing? What tools am I missing? Where do I go from here?

I have to get ready for work! Any help much appreciated.

 

I have and it has definitely been helping! Going to add p blocker to network while I don't have urges just to make it harder even if i tried as well as help myself shows that I'm committed to this. It also has the added benefit of giving me experience on knowledge on how to protect my kids from this empty life once they get to the age they start using devices. Thanks for taking the time to help me on this journey.

4 days removed from dday.

Yesterday morning was rough only because of my own doing. I watched my wife and kids crawl out of the bed as I lay the and though "just a few more minutes. I'll hear mom and the kids when they get back into the kitchen and then I'll get out of bed."

Well I didn't hear them. And my wife woke me up probably 45min or more later after she fed the kids and got them dressed for the day.

I'm what you would call "not a morning person". I feel groggy and tired in the morning usually. This is no excuse and I know this. Adults have to do things they don't like. Not only that but I'm probably part of the problem because I don't keep a normal sleep schedule. This is something I need to work on. Maybe that will help in my goal to become a morning person. Or at least not hate life for the first 30 minutes after I wake up.

Anyways as luck would have it my wife took the kids to see grandma while I was getting ready for work and accidentally took my keys with her too so she had to come back and give them to me. I promptly hugged and apologized for my behaviour as well as getting frustrated with her anger even though it was my fault. She seemed to receive it decently which I think helped both of us navigate the rest of our day.

While at work she got some bad news about her mother's progress and battle with lung cancer and texted me about it. I immediately let my boss know and asked if it would be alright if I could go home to support my wife and he said it would be no problem.

The rest of the day was mostly spent trying to keep my mouth shut and listen to my wife and how she felt although we did get some time to spend on us. Both I feel we're constructive and helped us move in the right direction with our emotions.

Well that's all for now.

 

Going on a week since dday

Been a few days since I last wrote. Things have been going pretty well I think. I have started to have some urges to PM but I have held strong. Inside I have this tiny urge to be proud of myself because I know if this were any other of the plethora of solo attempts I made at no PM I would have already failed. I know this is still just the beginning so I have to wipe that from my head and keep my guard up.

Saturday night l setup our home network to use opendns so now I have on extra layer of defense for our kids as well as myself if I ever have anything more than an urge. I know this can't stop me but I think setting it up was beneficial for the mind as well as having the added protection for the kids. I can't let them walk this path.

Sunday we all went to see family friends. I opened up to my buddy about my PA which felt good as I know he's always the to support me in times of need. I know it wasn't easy for my wife knowing that this info was no longer between me and her. I also had to leave here with the kids to have the convo in private which I know isn't easy either. She's been a trooper although the have been moments she has struggled with everything I have put on her plate with this.

Yesterday was mainly just work.

I've been trying to be more attentive to my wife. This includes starting more conversations, making more attempts at showing my affection towards her, making sure I'm following her list of boundaries and working on staying off my phone when there are other alternatives(time with family, house chores). No phone games has been HHHAAARRRDDD.

Anyways, that's all for now.

 

It's been almost 2 weeks since dday as well as no PM. It's been too long since I've written in my journal and need to make more time for this.

So no PM has probably been the easiest of the battles lately. I have had a few urges since I last wrote but they have all been easy to push out of my head.

If we go up a rung on the difficulty ladder we arrive at me showing my affection for my wife. As much as I would like to say this is the hardest battle I'm taking on right now, I think I've made a small amount of progress in this area. I hand wrote my wife a poem. It contained a lot of crossed out words as it all bumbled out of my mind but that kinda made it more "authentic" so I left it as is to hand over to my wife. This stuff doesn't come naturally to me as I'm sure you've all heard many guys say. I'd go as far as to say it feels extremely unnatural and uncomfortable to me. It's not something I'm proud of or even like. It hampers my ability to show my wife my feelings as well as my ability to fulfill my wife in the ways that she needs to be fulfilled. I know this needs to change.

I have to keep telling myself practice makes perfect. Something about this poem though felt right. Maybe it was just the need to say something that couldn't be put into a conversation. She seemed to like it a lot and even told me that she needed it. Whatever the case, I'm afraid I may have set the bar to high for myself, being romantically and emotionally challenged as I am right now.

That brings us to the highest rung on the ladder. I somehow manage to fumble my way over my wife's trigger buttons. Most of these triggers I should probably know by now but for whatever reason they don't come to mind until after I've thoroughly smashed the launch button and am staring helplessly up at the sky as the nuke lands squarely on my forehead.

Now don't get me wrong. My forehead had a target on it and I was wearing an "I'm with stupid" shirt all by myself out there. I deserve it and whatever else follows. That doesn't make the nuke hurt any less. Probably hurts more since it's coming from some I love and have done damage to.

I know I have to stay strong during these times. I need to be there to face the pain I have caused. I need to be there to force myself to grow by seeing what I have done. I need to use her pain as my drive to hold her up. To learn where she hurts, where she bleeds.

I am not the best at navigating these treacherous waters. Sometimes I get frustrated or try to defend myself. Shame on me.

I need to make a list of her triggers so that maybe I can avoid some of them in the future. I also need to try to stay calm when i do step one so i can it's it as a learning opportunity to try to understand and support her in her time of need.

That's all for now.

 

17th day with no PM. Still having occasional M urges but still easy to get out of my head for now. It could be related to still being intimate with my wife since it's thoughts of her that trigger the urges.

I still have not figured out how to navigate my way through each day without doing something that triggers my wife. On a good note I think my wife is getting a little better at handling them. The heat of the moment can still gets FIERY HOT but the fire seems to burn out a little quicker if that makes any sense. Not sure if this is because she is working on it or maybe me being more open/honest while have conversations with her is having an impact. Either way, something is having an impact and i can only hope it's a trend. Although it's been tough, maybe we are headed in the right direction.

There have been so many stress inducing events in her life that many times it's hard to tell what is affecting her or if it's a combination of things. I'll just continue to read nofap to help be a better person for my wife and family.

 

Day 19 no PM

No urges the last 2 days. So many things going on right now there has been little time to think about PM between work, 3 year old twins, trying to support my wife while she fights to help her mom who was recently diagnosed with lung cancer and trying to be a better man for my wife.

Tonight I pray for my wife. My love. May God give you the strength to carry these heavy chains you bare. May he shine his light to help guide you during this dark chapter of your life. I pray that he may give me the strength to be the man you need me to be in this trying time. The man that you deserve.

Good night

 

21 days down and no looking back. Having some M urges now but that's why I'm journaling. I'm about 99% sure this is the longest I have gone without P & M and 1000% sure the longest by far that I have gone without them by choice.

Triggered my wife tonight. I failed to taking advantage of one of the best times to connect with her emotionally.

I really really really need to pound this info into my head.

She needs to feel safe and understood. She told me to look into betrayal trauma so that's what I've been doing for the last couple hours. Very good info on this youtube channel. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

Good night

 

27 days down. It feels good not having PM in my life.

Thanks Brad for the encouragement. My wife introduced me to nofap so she has the knowledge and I'm lucky she has given me a chance to beat this.

I have an urge about every other day it seems. They have still been easy to brush away. I'm not sure if that's a symptom of not using it for 3 weeks or because there has been so many crazy events in my family's life. Whatever the reason, I'm glad to be done with it.

The real struggle for me has been just being there to support my wife. I'm bad at just listening. I'm bad about giving unsolicited advice. I need to think about this before I speak so I don't upset her.

I am also bad about correcting my wife in conversations. I always feel like I'm adding to the conversation when I'm doing it but I can see how she would feel like I'm just trying to correct her which can be embarrassing for her. It's never my intention to make her feel this way, none the less it is a real feeling and I need to stop making her feel this way.

Life has been so busy lately leaving little time for anything other than life. Thank God I don't have to throw PM into the mix anymore. I can only imagine how much more stressful that would make things.

That's all for now.

 

Thanks @topjobm8two! Feels good to be so far removed from it in so long(comparatively speaking). My phone app says it's been 1 month and 1 day.

Although I know it's not over I feel like it's the lesser of the battles I am fighting right now. I suck at helping my wife recover from the pain I've caused.

I surprised her with an oil massage the other night. While she was getting ready for bed I found one of her oils and hid it next to my side of the bed thinking that I would finish getting ready for bed before I surprise her. I though this would be a good opportunity to show affection.

I knew when I told her to take off her shirt and turn over for a massage the first thing she would think would be that I was looking to get lucky but I wanted to also make sure she knew that I did not want to get lucky so she knew that this was about her and not me. She seemed happy when I told her.

I've done it once more since then.

I need to stay more disciplined about staying off my phone. My mind is usually always going on about something whether it be software development(work), science, or just something else I'm interested in at the moment. Those thoughts are usually accompanied by youtube videos and I have a tendency to get sucked into consuming new information this way. It can be a distraction for me and cause me to miss opportunities to have a conversation with my wife.

I need to fix this. I need to find more ways to help my wife heal and deal with the battles she is fighting.

Until next time...

 

Day started good. Kids woke up, got them breakfast. Everything was going ok. Wife misplaced her strapless bra. We had plans to go to a concert and she needed it for her outfit. Tried helping her find it but that stressed her out because no one had an eye on the kids so I stopped. The longer she looked the more stressed she got, to the point where she had tears in her eyes and told me to go to the concert by myself.

I told her to not let it stress her out, don't let a bra ruin your day and that we could just stop on the way and buy one for her. That seemed to calm her down a tad. She mentioned we shouldn't do that since we are trying to turn our net monthly income back to the positive before we run through our nest egg(twins are expensive btw).

Thinking I could potentially kill 2 birds with 1 stone and potentially save the day I suggested that maybe she could ask her friend that is going with us if she could borrow one from her. No money spent and she gets the bra she needs for the night if it works out right? At least that's what I though. Boy was I wrong. She promptly told me her boobs aren't the same size and I was a fucking idiot or something close to that affect as she stormed out of the room.

Long story short she said she felt bad for what she did, i told her it was ok, we moved on. We stopped and bought her the bra she needed on the way to the concert, met our friends and went out for a kid free night.

Night out and concert went amazing. Got several opportunities to show my wife affection. Opened her car door for her like a man should, held her hand on the way into the concert, took several opportunities to pull her in close during the concert and just hug and kiss her. It was amazing. It felt so good. So right. One of the best night I've had with my wife.

Everything seemed to be ending well. Until we got dropped off at our vehicle and started the drive home. There was construction that had me go a different way than normal and she immediately sorta jumped my case as if I was doing something wrong even though I was following the 2 or 3 traffic signs I had seen. Then almost immediately after she realized I was doing what the signs told me to she accused me of being drunk. I did drink but I was far from drunk. I had 3 beers in 4 or 5 hours and knew I was more than capable of driving safely. While explaining this I pulled over at a gas station and told her I didn't mind if she drove if she thought I might be too intoxicated to drive. She said she didn't want to drive because it makes her nervous so I got back on the road. On the trip home I tell her how great of a time I had. Not much of a response other than me too. I try again by saying something to the same affect but about the same result. Not long after she utters GD or something and I ask what's up and she says she's frustrated because my vehicle isn't charging her phone fast enough. Not much I can say or do about that.

I got us home safe and sound. We head to our bedroom and she tells me she is going to sleep in the other room, accuses me of not talking to her on the ride home and calls me a fucking asshole or something close to that. She also tells me I talked more to the lady next to me than her. The lady had a cancer tattoo on her shoulder which is what i talked to her about. In fact my wife and her friend are the one that pointed it out to me. I lost my dad to cancer and my wife's mom has cancer now so it was almost fate that she was in the seat next to me at the concert. She was around 60 years old if I had to guess and she was at a godsmack concert. She looked like an innocent grandma, i had to pick her brain just a little bit. Who knows, maybe this lady was put in that seat by God to somehow provide help to my wife as she goes through this trial in her life. I talked maybe 5 minutes to this lady. There is no way in hell I came even close to taking to this lady more than I did my wife.

Now she tells me she is done with this marriage. I'm left scratching my head. Crying for my kids. The pain that they will have to endure to no fault of their own. Innocents robbed from them.

 

I'm sorry for leaving out details. I wasn't purposefully leaving them out. I was using my journal as a place to dump thoughts that I couldn't get out of my head.

I'm glad you got to share your side because everyone knows there are usually multiple sides to every story. It was insightful. Your feelings are valid. I have been a major contributor to those feelings.

I love you very much and though I cannot promise I will not make mistakes in the future, I can promise that the love for you I feel inside will not change.

 

Today I have had more urges than ever to M since I started no PM 36 days ago. Not just those weak urges i can easily push out of my mind either. I can't get the image of how great my wife looked yesterday out of my mind. It's taking every thing I have today to stay the course.

 

And the urges continue. I used to be able to itch this scratch. I used to not have the will power to not itch this scratch.

Lol randomly my mind just went to the quote in the exorcist "the power of christ compels you!". Not exactly sure how that applies here but it got my mind off of other things.

Back to work.

 

Day 38 with no PM. The struggle is real! I knew the first month was suspiciously easy. Probably partly due to not abstaining with my wife. THANK GOD FOR THAT! Luckily I have not experienced this so called chaser affect I have read about.

One thing I have noticed though is the urges are rarely for P. It's almost always thoughts of my wife. The hand full of times it has been for P have been when I was trying to get my mind off my wife.

Things have been rocky mainly due to the damage I have caused. She is not an option nor do I want to potentially cause damage by crossing any of her boundaries. When my mind has gone to P, the urge I used to have still seems to be missing... It was never this easy to get my mind off the instant gratification of P.

God, my heart is pounding right now. So many feelings. Frustrated, sad, scared...

I have an appointment with a counselor that is LPC-S, NCC and CSAT certified in about a week. That's oddly exciting Haha. I really really really hope she can help me get my wife back. My family back. Restore some since of normalcy to the family.

My wife just gave me a boundaries list so I've got studying to do. Until next time!

 

Day 39. No urges today so far so that's nice. Doubt it's over but I'll take what I can get.

So yesterday I said I had an appointment with a counselor in about a week. That's what I thought at least. I realized at about 1am that it was mistakenly scheduled for today Haha. I rushed to get some paperwork done before the appointment and made it on time.

The hour session started with the normal counseling formalities. We talked a bit about why I was there and my goals for being there which span from PA, SO recovery, maturing in several aspects, etc.

We talked a little about my parents, my childhood memories, my relationship with my wife, my kids, my education, my work, all seemed like normal topics that anyone would cover on a first appointment to a counselor.

She asked me if I was using anything to block porn and I told her ther I was using opendns for home network. I told her I knew it wouldn't stop me because of my heavy IT background but it has benefits regardless.

After this she mentioned she was having something developed that would stop IT guys like me. When I heard this my mind went straight to "Challenge accepted" and told her I'd be the judge of that. She responded as if somewhat surprised, by asking if I would be willing to test it once it's done. Of course I responded. Right after saying I would test it I put 2 and 2 together and realized I just volunteered to try to subvert her P blocking app. Then I figured there would probably be a way to test that it's working without the risk of P like opendns has so that made me feel better. Anyways, I can't let testing this app take priority over anything I should be doing to heal me, my wife or this family. Maybe I could work out something like finding security flaws with her app for some discounts on these expensive sessions, not they aren't worth it, just expensive lol. I mean it would be me volunteering time she might otherwise have to pay a quality assurance resource to do. Then again maybe she spent the kind of money it takes for someone to work all the security flaws out of the app because I know it isn't cheap for the kind of security she is asking for and these counseling sessions aren't cheap lol. Either way if I end up having the time and choosing to do this I won't be expecting anything in return, just thinking optimistically I guess.

After that she asked if I would like to have my wife involved at all and I told her I'd like nothing more the to have her there. I know my wife's schedule is pretty hectic with everything she is juggling, kids, her mom starts chemo/radiation next week. I know that has a high probability of being very hard on her mom. I don't want to take my my mother in laws time with her daughter away from her, especially if she is struggling with what she has to go through next week.

I just really really really want to save my marriage and I fear I don't have nor am capable of possessing all the tools needed to heal my wife from the wounds I've caused. The counselor did mention that it's good for the SO to be able to hear from the counselor about the "plan of attack" as well as getting progress updates from the counselors perspective on how things are going.

In a rush to get in as much as we could we quickly covered several quick topics. I told her I have been clean for almost 40 days now and she asked what made me stop. I told her how I felt like I was really ready to be done with this part of my life. I told her about nofap and the community behind it. She seemed to be intrigued and said she wanted to check it out for herself and that it was great that people are getting together now to fight this disease.

I quickly told her about the list of boundaries my wife just gave me. She asked what my wife thought about me sharing the list. I assured her that my wife was fine with it and even told me to rip the pages out of her notebook and take it with me. One she seemed comfortable that I had my wife's consent to share them I told her that I would text it to her since instead of doing the pages out I took pictures with my phone so they are always with me.

I'm trying to remember every little detail but there may be a topic or 2 that I can't recall right now. If I remember any more details I'll update

>>>>HERE<<<<

So my first impressions... I really like her so far. She seemed very professional and very knowledgeable. She didn't seem surprised or confused by anything we talked about. Things she shared during our conversations seemed to be right in line with some of the best resources I've discovered here on nofap in the last month or so.

I'm excited for this. I want this. I NEED this. As a husband, father, brother, son, uncle and friend to so many incredible people, you all DESERVE this.

I pray I don't let everyone down.

Another appointment next week.

Until tomorrow... unless I remember something else tonight