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Devastated after 21 years together

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by mavis2805, Jul 31, 2018.

  1. mavis2805

    mavis2805 Fapstronaut

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    So, where do I go from here...

    My husband and I have been together for 21 years. I'm 38 and he's 39. We have two beautiful 8 year old daughters.

    Yesterday morning my husband admitted that he has a problem with porn and my world came crashing down around me.

    Up until yesterday, this was our story;

    I first discovered porn sites that my husband had watched on our computer whilst we were trying for our daughters. We had some fertility problems and ended up having IVF, we were so lucky in that we fell pregnant with our girls the first time. After the discovery I told my husband how upset the porn made me feel and he told me he wouldn't do it again.

    Fast forward a few years later and it was during a family holiday that he started having problems getting or maintaining an erection whilst trying to have sex with me. This resulted in him buying some 'tablets' off Amazon without my knowledge and then later the discovery that he'd again been watching porn. Yet again I told him how hurt I was and yet again he told me he wouldn't do it again.

    Fast forward to Wednesday of last week, when slowly everything started to fall into place and I started to realise what an idiot I've been in believing that my husband would change.

    I discover a 'milf' porn site on his phone. When I confronted him about it he told me that he'd been in the mess room with some lads at work. He'd walked in on a conversation about 'someone's sister,' this then led on to them looking at the porn site. Apparently my husband only 'laughed' but didn't join in with the 'banter.'

    Then Thursday night I discover a lads Facebook messenger group where men from his work sent, viewed and commented on porn clips, indescent images of women, spoke about their wives in an explicit way, made derogatory comments about 'less pretty' women etc. When I asked him about it and if he'd ever watched the clips or commented these were his excuses;
    1. I didn't know how to come out of the group
    2. I didn't ever comment
    3. I didn't know how to delete the clips without having to watch them first.
    Well, this revelation through another dimension into my discoveries, as it turns out he could have left the group, he could have deleted the videos without watching and he could have not commented but he did.

    I tried looking at his search history on his phone etc but there was nothing there. With some help from google I discovered there were ways that I could find out. So I did, he not only looks at these sites on his own phone but his works phone too. He will look at them using the private browser mode.

    Again I asked him and he more or less said that he'd made a stupid mistake, he was a selfish immature lad that couldn't grow up.

    My gut was still telling me that he wasn't telling me the truth and that there was more to this. So on Sunday morning I found a website that could retrieve all of his data from off his phone, including all deleted data too. I asked him if there was anything else that he wanted to tell me before I found it out for myself on our computer.

    It was then that he told me that he looks at porn sites on a daily basis. Often several times a day. When he gets to work in the works toilet, at other times during the day in the works toilet, often spending 10 minutes at a time looking at them, in his works van before he goes into a meeting, when he comes out of a meeting, with the lads in the mess room, with he lads when he is on standby, when he gets home and goes to the bathroom (again for 10 minutes,) when he's walking our dog over the park he'll sit on a park bench to watch it and I think this is the one that has hurt me the most; when he's lying in bed next to me after I've gone to sleep, he lies there watching it, then with his erection pressing in my back he puts his arm round me and goes to sleep!

    Since Wednesday I have gone through a rollercoaster of emotions and still am.
    I've told him I'm leaving, I've told him he's got to leave, I hate him, hate myself, hate what's he's done to my life and our children's lives, that I deserve better and so do our daughters, I can't ever trust him again etc etc.

    Last night after our daughters went to bed we talked. He told me he uses Facebook and Instagram and YouTube to look at 'milf' as well as the milf videos using Safari.

    These were his excuses or supposed reasons;
    He told me that he 'maybe' looks at these things because he wants to prove to himself that everything still works. He told me that he never masturbates but that he gets an erection.
    It has become a part of his daily routine.
    He's continued to watch them in the hope that he wouldn't be found out and that I was too forgiving with him over the years when I did discover the porn sites and tablets.
    He uses it as an escape from his work responsibilities as he feels stressed from the pressures at work.

    Until Wednesday I though we had a healthy sex life, often having sex 2/3 times a week, I would wear clothing from Ann Summers or other lingerie that he'd brought me. We very rarely argued, made time for each other as a couple, had date nights, nights away just the 2 of us, and spent many happy times together as a family.

    So, where do we go from here....
    I feel like the past 21 years have been based on a lie and that I no longer know the man that was my husband. I still don't feel as though he is telling me everything and I don't feel as though I can ever trust him again. I think that over these past few days I have stayed or I've allowed him to stay for the sake of our daughters, but then surely they deserve better than this, they deserve a mom and dad that aren't playing at happy families. But then as their mom
    I also want to protect them as I don't want them knowing that I am at rock bottom and feeling like this because of their Dad, whom they both worship.

    I know nobody else has the answers and can make my decision for me. I also know that waking up at 4am to write this instead of trying to get some sleep so that I'm able to look after my daughters and myself in the days ahead is madness! I also know that I'm absolutely petrified with my husband returning to work tomorrow (he's been off work since the discovery on Wednesday evening.) He's deleted Facebook and Instagram off his phone (at my request) but can't remove Safari. He's said that he's going to leave his phone on his desk when he goes to the toilet, when he comes home he's going to lock his phone away in a drawer, on my asking he's made an appointment with our Dr on Wednesday to ask for help and has said he will speak to his manager at work about our marriage problems. I really don't know how I'm going to get through tomorrow, as it's taking all my effort to even get out of bed on a morning.

    Anyway, thanks for reading and I guess I'm going to have to take it one day at a time. I'm so glad I came across this site. It's ironic really because I discovered this site when I was looking for ways to help my husband, little did I know that i need to also help myself too.

    Thanks again
     
  2. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I'm so sorry you're in this spot. What you're going through is called Betrayal Trauma, and it sucks. There are some good resources here to help you get through this and heal.
     
    mavis2805 and Queen_Of_Hearts_13 like this.
  3. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    Welcome, I hope you find comfort that you are not alone. Read and talk with the folks here, PA and SO’s alike.
     
    mavis2805 likes this.
  4. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    Welcome and I am sorry for the pain your going through. For now, check out my resources thread in my signature , it might give you more insight into both what you're going through as well as your husband.
     
    mavis2805 likes this.
  5. Healed!

    Healed! Fapstronaut

    I am sorry for your pain. You have every right to all the feelings you’ve expressed. All of us who are PAs can also relate to the things your husband has said and done. Learn all you can about this addiction and treat it as such. The betrayal is huge but the relationship can survive. Keep talking to your husband and other SOs on this site. I know it’s hard to believe at this point , but this sickness is not about you. You both need help to get through this.
     
    mavis2805 likes this.
  6. mavis2805

    mavis2805 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you Jennica, not only for taking the time to read my post but for responding to me as well. I'm surprised as to how much comfort I am getting from these messages and knowing that I'm not alone too. Thanks again
     
  7. mavis2805

    mavis2805 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for not only taking the time to read my post but for responding to me too. I came across your resources post yesterday and have read some of the articles both on my own and with my husband too. Thanks again
     
  8. mavis2805

    mavis2805 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you unhooked for not only reading my post but for responding to my post too. This site has been a huge support to me in only the first few days too so thank you.
     
  9. mavis2805

    mavis2805 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for taking the time to not only read my posts but for responding to my post too. It means a lot. Thanks again
     
  10. mavis2805

    mavis2805 Fapstronaut

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    Ghostwriter thank you ever so much for not only reading reading my post but for responding with so many words of support.

    Today I decided to stay, yet here I am not having a clue how to move forward through tomorrow. I have no idea how or where to start helping myself let alone how to be with my husband. I don't know if I should be holding his hand, hugging him or letting him hug me, asking him a 1001 questions or waiting for him to be forthcoming, should I even be thinking of doing any initiate act with him, not only now but in the future, what to tell our children etc etc. My mind if full and in a spin.

    You mentioned boundaries and consequences and I was wandering if you'd be able to give me some more information regarding this?

    Once again many thanks for your support.
     
  11. mavis2805

    mavis2805 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for this information about boundaries.
     
  12. mavis2805

    mavis2805 Fapstronaut

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    Can anyone give me some advice on where to look at codependency and porn addiction please?
     
  13. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

  14. mavis2805 likes this.
  15. JustSadPorn

    JustSadPorn Fapstronaut

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    Do you mean that your PA husband is also codependent? Or that you are codependent on him?
     
    mavis2805 likes this.
  16. Hi @mavis2805,

    I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I am here to help you any way I can.

    A good source for reading up on codependence is what @GhostWriter mentioned, "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Another ready is "Codependent's Guide to the 12-Steps" also by her. She founded CoDA (Codependents Anonymous). I attended that fellowship for about 5 years. There is also some great literature from CoDA here: https://www.corepublications.org/product-category/printed-material/booklet-handbook specifically "Peeling the Onion", "Common Threads For Codependency", and "Tools For Recovery". The CoDA 12-step main book is honestly kinda of meh.

    CoDA meetings are somewhat rare and may not be available in your area. Al Anon is a great program for learning boundaries. I'm a believer that book learning only gets me so far. I learn more from the real experience of others shared with me.

    I think, where you are right now, boundaries is going to be the number one tool you're going to need. Even if your husband works his butt off to recover, it is going to take a long time to get better. His sickness is not one of porn, that is the visible symptom. His sickness is one of low self-esteem, shame, dishonesty, distrust, and selfishness. Even in recovery, those "character defects" are going to manifest themselves with the behaviors of minimizing, lying, deceiving, lack of empathy, blaming, and keeping secrets. He can get better, it's just going to take a long time and he's going to have to want it and work at it like nothing he has ever worked at in his life. But, it _is_ possible. Other people have succeeded in changing and no one is special, either blessed or cursed.

    In reading your original thread, I just want to say, I did not see anything that really stuck out for me as codependent. Maybe it taking 21 years to discover the truth is an indicator but that also speaks to how good of a secret keeper he was. So explore what you want to explore to make yourself healthy and happy but don't think that "because he is sick, I must be sick too". Is is more accurate to say "because he is sick, and I have been with his sickness for so long, I _may_ be sick". But it's not guaranteed. And don't take any cues from him about spreading the blame around. Make your own decisions. He'll want to do that.

    I know all of this because I was this person.

    Honestly, where you are at with your feelings and reactions is pretty much normal for the situation.

    If you want to elaborate more on why you think you may be codependent, or he may be codependent, please share either through a post or message me directly. Be happy to help.

    Peace to you,
    -Quinn
     
    mavis2805 likes this.
  17. mavis2805

    mavis2805 Fapstronaut

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    thanks all for your replies and your pointers to relevant articles, books etc.

    I suppose my worry was that if I was to stay with him would I be fuelling his addiction, if that makes sense!

    A few hours ago more discoveries were made. He's still be taking the herbal male enhancement/ stimulation medication. He set up another google account, ordered the tablets and had them delivered to a local collection point near his work.

    Then I've also discovered that wee in over £4000 worth of debt too, I had no clue about this at all.

    I'm totally floored!!

    Hoping beyond hope that I can just get out of bed in the morning and start another day!
     
  18. Stephanie Carnes wrote a book called "Mending a Shattered Heart". It's actually a collection of chapters from various authors including Jennifer Schneider, and Patrick Carnes and some others I can't remember. It has chapters that address specifically what you've been looking for titled "What to Tell the Kids" and "Should I Stay or Leave?". There is also one, the one by Jennifer Schneider, about formal disclosure. If there is any required reading I could think of, this would be it.

    And holy moley, time to cut up the credit cards and open up all the bank accounts. This is an extreme example of what I was talking about with the porn being but a symptom. The lying and hiding and the secretive spending of money is one of the ways those "character defects" I was talking about manifest themselves.

    Peace,
    -Quinn
     
    TryingHard2Change likes this.

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