Just F***d up: Am I back to square one?

Long story short:
I watched a liveleak on the abuse that goes on in the P industry and I was not expecting it to have the actual P scenes in it (albeit they blur it) ended up watching it on Christmas eve and couldn't get it out of my head while I slept, I ended up having a wet dream in my sleep whilst that video was still ingrained into my head. I PMO'd to that same liveleak, then PMO'd another 3 times to some 2 softcore videos ( soft enough that they could be watched on YouTube) and 1 straight up hardcore scene.


Bearing in mind that before I was 120 days clean with a fully rebooted brain.
I was just worried if I had lost all my super powers and if I am back to sqaure one. Anyway here is how it affected me:

1) The usual 'post fap shame' feeling wasn't really there as it was when I was addicted before my reboot although I did have a sense of lingering regret and thinking to my self "there really was no point in doing that it did nothing for me"

2) My speech was unusually slurred afterwards and I was less verbally articulate than I usually am.

3) Me and a Friend went out to approach women in the mall, I used it as an opportunity to see how my relapse affected my confidence to approach and it was pretty much unaffected, although my voice was a bit weaker as the girls were leaning into me a lot more because they misheard me because of my slightly sloppy speech ( see reason 2)

3b) Eye contact seems unaffected

4) Also I have not seem to have lost the super power where real women become a hell of a lot more attractive/appealing after you have reset your brain from PMO addiction.

I am aware that ultimately it is my call my I just want the opinions of other fapstronauts as a reference point, did I undo my progress?

 

Yes, you undid everything. To say you haven't undone everything is just people trying to be "nice", but you know what? Being "nice" is often cruel. It would be nice, for example, to let a little child eat as much candy as he wants, but it'd be cruel to let him do so. Addiction experts say that it doesn't matter how long you were clean; if you fall, you've reset EVERYTHING, and you're back at square one. Now, you can draw on the wisdom of what you learned from your clean period, but as far as the feelings and habits of addiction are concerned, you've undone everything.

The question is: do you take that first step again and walk away from square one to square two and so on?

 

If that you lost all your progress is yours to decide. Depends on what did you want to achieve. However the fact that you masturbated to almost non-sexual material is somewhat disturbing. To me a reboot means that even is someone bumps into explicit material, even porn, he can resist the urge to fap immediately, because he only want to have orgasm with a real girl.
Plus you watched porn intentionally, which is one of the symptoms of the addiction. So for completely different reasons, I too suggest to start again.

 

OK I will admit your comment shocked me a bit, can you elaborate on what you actually find disturbing.
I don't recommend that you watch the liveleak video, but it was pretty much overtly sexual it included straight up P scenes.

The videos on youtube may not have been straight up hardcore scenes but they are sexually suggestive anyway.

To put this into context:
I am 18 years old
I was 120 days into my reboot
I eat a healthy diet and workout
I have never viewed any triggers until I relapsed a couple of days ago.

I always went with the line of thought that a reboot means I have returned back to normal (pre PMO discovery) sensitivity, but seriously I am so sensitive that I sometimes begin to get a boner if I am close to girl who is really attractive, I don't hesitate turn my head and approach if I see a hot girl walk by.

 

Here's a great video that clears up some of the confusion about relapsing. It depends on how much work you put in beforehand and how much you just binged. Based on the huge gap you built, preventing any binge and keeping on the path will be the best.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSFKKpwcGc0

 

I don't quite get one thing. What do you call a "trigger"? For me it means something that turns me on. But that still doesn't mean that I have to masturbate. Yes, I get a boner, but that's it. It will go away. I didn't MO and I didn't watch porn, no harm done. I was horny for a while, and that is maybe a bit uncomfortable, but still not as uncomfortable as a lot of other things.

I've seen that video and it was disturbing, not triggering. For me. I see that we are not the same, so maybe I was a bit quick to make assumptions. Do what works for you best.