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Honesty is it worth it?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by fools’end, Jul 30, 2018.

  1. fools’end

    fools’end Fapstronaut

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    Gonna jump right in on this one, I have Had sex with 4 ts Escorts from When i was 20 to now, i am currently 22 years. I started thinking about secrets and marriage, Should i tell My future wife about this or would that just destroy us, what do you think?
    Is it wrong to keep such a secret from your wife?
    Ps i have No interest to ever again in My life do that so it is not a question of Wanting to keep that secret Because i want to do it again. Just for the sake of the relationship.
     
  2. CrimsnBlade

    CrimsnBlade Fapstronaut

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    In my opinion, honesty is always the best option. If someone truly loves you, they won't hold you past against you, they'll only help you move forward and be better than you were.
     
    Jagliana, 8/2, u376 and 2 others like this.
  3. I say no way. Even if it went down okay, what's the point? Unless you're planning on seeing escorts while married (i hope not lol), then it doesnt effect her, so what's to be gained? On the other hand, there could easily be some negative consequences of telling her, so i say let the past lie where it lay.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 30, 2018
  4. Octoling

    Octoling Fapstronaut

    Your marriage will be more wholesome if you tell her before your wedding day. But I've got to warn you, she may not forgive you right away. From her perspective, she has no way of knowing that you're truly done, though your up-front honesty should give her a clue. There's definitely a risk of her leaving, but you've got to take that risk, as the risk was already taken when you decided to see those escorts.

    I say better rip that band-aid off now, because if it comes out during the marriage, it'll be much worse for both of you. And even if you never tell her, it will still change the dynamic of the relationship. I've got to do the same thing soon with my SO, regarding my P use.
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  5. The Man, The Myth, The Legend.

    100% agree.
     
  6. I dont know about all that, but thanks ;)
     
  7. fools’end

    fools’end Fapstronaut

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    I think you may have misunderstood, i am not engaged or with someone at the moment. Just thinking for the future When i eventuelly/hopefully find someone and get married!
    Good luck with your situation also!
     
  8. fools’end

    fools’end Fapstronaut

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    Yeah i agree with you! No it wont happen ever again that i am sure of. I only think that it feels like the person you want to live out your life with should be the person you Can tell your darkest secret to! But since i aquired suck a dark secret ( according to me ) it seems impossible that should be the case.
     
  9. In the end you gotta make the call. If its gonna eat you up inside, then maybe you should tell her. Personally, i would feel like i was sparing her (and myself) some awkwardness and i would feel no guilt in keeping it secret, but if its going to bother you then thats different. Also, it depends on the individual girl, if you feel comfortable telling her and you think she'll understand, go for it. Either way...good luck.
     
  10. Octoling

    Octoling Fapstronaut

    Oh. Then you wouldn't be breaking any promises, then. She should be fine with it, if she knows its in the past! I say tell her and don't keep secrets, and she'd be crazy to judge you for it.
     
  11. I think it kind of depends on how open you are in general with the girl, when that time comes. Like if you're on the subject of past sexual experience and you dont mention it, then I would say that's wrong and would be considered a lie and could seriously come back to mess up your relationship, big time. But if you both kind of feel like the past doesnt matter and all that matters is who you are now and you dont really talk about past things, then 7 would say theres no need to bring it up unless its eating you up or something.

    I dated a guy once who had been in and out of prison most of his life. We were nowhere even close to getting married, so perhaps things would have been different if we were, but I wasnt really interested in knowing all the details of his past. But with my husband now, I am definitely interested in his past and we've been very open with each other about a lot of things. So idk, I think it just depends on the person and the relationship.
     
  12. Well said.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  13. u376

    u376 Fapstronaut

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    For a very long period of time I keep on running from my true identity
    But now I am happy that I have made peace with it
    Being real is very important......for our own self
    So be honest
     
  14. sparkywantsnoPMO

    sparkywantsnoPMO NoFap Moderator & Yeoman

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    I’m in the “yes you should” camp. Contrary to some, I believe it is better to address it before, instead of apologizing after. A common theme in the SO forums is the feeling of betrayal trauma, and or feeling like they’ve been lied to.

    Assume that your future spouse will find out eventually.
     
    Moon Shot, Kenzi and Deleted Account like this.
  15. sparkywantsnoPMO

    sparkywantsnoPMO NoFap Moderator & Yeoman

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    Maybe we could turn it around. Say your future wife was an “escort” while she was in college. How would you feel if she told you a) while dating; b) while engaged; c) after you got married; or d) you find out on your own after you’re married?

    Assume the same level of legality as it was when you participated (for instance, parts of Nevada it is legal.)
     
    EyesWideOpen, Kenzi, Jennica and 5 others like this.
  16. fools’end

    fools’end Fapstronaut

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    Yes understand you but for me sleeping with escorts is not what i see as My ”true” identity, more a deviant version of me from years of porn.
     
  17. fools’end

    fools’end Fapstronaut

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    It depends If we have a Happy life together i would probably be Happy i didnt fint out early as i would not have had an open mind and Saw the girl for Who she really was despite her misstake, and as for finding out on her own i see that as pretty much impossible for this? Only way someone would know is If i told them.
     
  18. 8/2

    8/2 Fapstronaut

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    Always be honest. Entering a marriage with dark secrets helps nobody in the relationship

    Before my wife and I got married we basically told all our secrets. We truthfully admitted out total number of sexual partners. Her number was higher than mine. Initially I was ego tripping about it until she told me "you're thr number I want to end on." We got closer that day and we've kept at it. Dated for 3 years and have been married for 13. We've worked through several moves, job losses, an emotional affair on her end and my PMO addiction by being honest and understanding and talking it through.

    Keeping secrets is miserable. I feel 1000 times better knowing my wife knows about my PMO and is willing to help me through it.
     
  19. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I'm with Sparky...
    ^^^this is how You would feel if she was a escort
    Not how she may feel about you seeing escorts.
    She should be allowed to make the call.
    She should also be allowed to get tested for stds before her wedding if she so chooses..
    And if she finds out later (depends on where you live) if she finds out her health was at risk Before the marriage, she may have grounds for divorce.
    You guys (PAs) aren't as sneaky as you think you are (refer to the remark - -the only way she will know is if I tell her)
    Also, if it's Truly behind you..
    What are you hiding from?
    In my experience.. Guys who are truly "over /done with something" are upfront, honest, transparent and not ashamed to admit it.
    So take the leap.

    "Three things cannot long be hidden, the sun, the moon and the truth" - Buddha

    Good luck.
     
  20. sparkywantsnoPMO

    sparkywantsnoPMO NoFap Moderator & Yeoman

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    Fantastic point. If your future wife loves you, she’ll be willing to help you carry the burden, just as you will carry hers.

    Generally speaking, I think people respect those who admit their past, and not hide from it. It is a part of us, whether we like it or not.
     
    8/2, Jennica, Numb and 1 other person like this.

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