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FML

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by horny nerd, Aug 3, 2018.

Should I just die

  1. Yes

    33.3%
  2. Yes

    100.0%
Multiple votes are allowed.
  1. horny nerd

    horny nerd Fapstronaut

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    Fuck me. I'm such a piece of shit.

    I got a lot I want to let off my chest.
    3 days ago my mom punched me in the fucking face. I was making a stupid ass joke. There was a rat poo on the table and I said mom did you leave something right there? Guess what she punched me in the fucking face.

    She has punched me in the face before and made me bleed. I probably deserved it because I was being a fucking spoiled kid saying that I hate her. But she fucking punched me in the fucking face made me bleed. I was only like 8 years old then she threatened she would take me to the mental hospital and they would keep me in there. I fucking cried for 6 hours straight and was choking on my tears.

    Before that I had attempted suicide. I tryed to do it with a scarf so it probably wouldn't have worked but she found me and beat the shit out me. She was then crying and saying why do I do this to her.

    I had some counselor which I didn't cooperate at and lied to all the time. She asked me while my mom was there if I had attempted suicide and I denied it and pretended like I didn't know what the fuck they were talking about.

    Two months ago from today I was thinking very seriously about suicide. I had made a plan and shit and spent weeks researching the best suicide methods. Then I decided maybe in the future there was hope for me. So I didn't do it and life has gotten better since then and I don't feel the same way.

    Back to 3 days ago. Right before I got fucking punched in the face I had relapsed to a toilet paper roll. I don't know why but every time I relapse something bad happens to me. I got my phone and tablet token away to.

    Then the next morning I had a fap session for more than an hour on my mom's tablet. After I ended up fucking up her tablet and having to factory reset it. She was so mad.At least now she has a password on it and I won't be able to watch P.

    The next day I was at home and decided I would chug all the cough syrup and all the cough drops which had dextromorphan. Bad idea the cough syrup had guafenasien. I ended tripping for 2 hours until the guaf had its way. I threw up pink five times. Of course I told my mom it was pink because I had taken this pink vitamin liquid we have. I also said that I had thrown up because I was spinning myself around on the swing outside.

    Then today I was feeling anxious as fuck. So of course I stole my mom's Xanies and took 0.5 mg. It worked for a while but later I was still nervous for some fucking reason. Fuck my brain. I hadn't felt much anxiety in a while but it hit me like a train wreck.

    I went to my only friends house. Guess what they are moving away Sunday. Why the fuck does everyone I am friends with have to move and leave me lonely. Fuck me. I fucking told him everything and all my problems, but now he's leaving. I'm homeschooled now. I'm 15 years old. Fuck me now I will be lonely the rest of my life. Fuck my anxiety and my inability to communicate with fucking anyone. Fuck me for being the most unlikable fuck ever and not having any fucking people that care about me. Fuck me for ruining first impressions and all social encounters. I don't know how I will fucking operate at a fucking job where I have to talk to other human beings. Maybe I really am fucking useless and gay like my fucking immigrant mom has told me all the fucking time.

    I can't fucking be accepted any fucking where. If I am with Mexicans they say I am not Mexican enough. If I am with white or black people they say why the fuck am I so fucking Mexican. Why don't I go back to Mexico because fuck me. I hate being fucking Mexican I fucking hate all stupid fucking Mexicans. I fucking hate being associated with a shit third world country because I was born in the fucking U.S. but apparantly I can't be treated the same as fucking white person because of how I look.

    My mom and my sister are illegal and maybe Donald trump will deport them and I will have to go to a shit country where I will get fucking assaulted and robbed for being from the U.S. Also I will be made fun of because I don't speak Spanish the same way and don't know all the words Mexicans use.

    Back to today. I went with my family to go with some friends of theirs. There is this kid there he is kind of my acquaintince. I have given him xanies before. I asked him if I can have some Percs he had said he had before. Because honestly if I don't have no fucking friends no more I have to do some shit. He said he will try to get some and also get ecstasy from some dude named Jamal. Honestly I fucking hate him because of his personality but I have to have some socialization with human beings or I will go crazy.

    Honestly, I might go fucking crazy and become even more isolated from humans. My only friends now are my little sister and my dog. Even though my little sister would be happier if I wasn't there. Also my friend that is moving away his cousin isn't moving and lives right by him in the neighborhood but honestly he is kind of a loser, but who am I to judge.

    Fuck ima work out Tommorow and listen to music all fucking day. I hope I don't get sucked back into the depression I have been in for so long before.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  2. Such Small Hands

    Such Small Hands Fapstronaut

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    If you're serious about all this, then you need help, ASAP, or just someone to talk to. If you want a willing ear and open mind, PM me. I've tried to kill myself before, too. Hang in there, please.

    Congrats on the 2 days!
     
  3. horny nerd

    horny nerd Fapstronaut

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    I'm not gonna kill myself I already realized that was pointless. I just feel hopeless and alone. I know I will move out in a couple years or maybe I will find a friend somewhere.
     
  4. Abysmal habit

    Abysmal habit Fapstronaut

    I'm not a doctor or anything , But i believe the state you are in now , is caused by the abuse you got as a child and pills or anything that gets you high.
    My comparison , is how my brother acts and what he took with the abuse , We are a very big family 7 uncles/aunts on both sides , and since my father and brother are both the eldest of siblings and cousins respectively , my father oppressed him very badly , He didn't allow him to talk back or hit back even if he was insulted , he would always stop him from playing with other kids , which lead to my brother starting smoking cigarettes , joints , drugs , and the list goes on.
    And i noticed that he exhibited the same symptoms that you have , Extreme anxiety , always reliant on other , can't go on without a friend even if they were toxic and they used him , wanted to kill himself for a while i was the only one that he could complain to , since he couldn't tell my mother and father about his substance abuse etc... ; Until one day he just snapped , he told me "Anything that makes me unhappy , Fuck it" , He kicked the bad friends , confronted my father about what he did , now he only smokes cigarettes , and since he studied in another country and his recluse-kinda attitude he spent some years alone , got his shit together and is living way better now .
    Hopefully this post helps you , and maybe you use it as an example and you recover completely , Good luck !
     
    horny nerd likes this.
  5. Kman20

    Kman20 Fapstronaut

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    Hey man, I think the mind set you’re in right now is making you think things you normally wouldn’t. Not all bad things last and if we try to make ourselves the victims we will see a lot of issues in our lives. Try focusing on the positive. Also good for you for deciding to go exercise ! Thats Awesome of you, I hope it makes you feel better :)
     
    horny nerd likes this.
  6. horny nerd

    horny nerd Fapstronaut

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    I feel kind of the same as your brother. It helps. Thank you.
     
  7. horny nerd

    horny nerd Fapstronaut

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    Thank you Kman20!
     
    Kman20 likes this.
  8. Zillion

    Zillion Fapstronaut

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    iam able to understand bro, sometimes i can relate with some scenarios with you, i too have severe anxiety, also got overthinking addiction...

    i too felt like life was meserable, i had no contacts with real people, i have ruined my entire life with addictions of PMO and over eating...

    now im feeling great for becoming so much better than last year, i was not able to walk, i had many physical restrictions and obstacles and not even able to do daily activities, now i can walk, do some weight training..

    still im really suffering with anxiety and ocd, although meditation and mindfulness helps a bit, but many times anxiety takes over my any effort i put to make myself relaxed....

    still im fighting back, making myself educated as much as possible

    i too have no any friends, atlast you can able to meetup some friends, but for me not able to get out of bed for 2 years..

    now im feeling lot better, but my advice is make yourself busy as much as possible, start reading books, get some hobby like writing your own quotes, stories and start editing in photoshop, learning online tutorials in youtube if your interested in that, those are really helping me right now...

    i think your mom is really mean and abusive to you, you may come out of the house if your earning yourself
     
    horny nerd likes this.
  9. horny nerd

    horny nerd Fapstronaut

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    Thanks bro, it is nice to know I am not the only one that has problems. There are lots of people who have it worse and can't do anything about it. I should do my part and try to be the best I can.
     
  10. Zillion

    Zillion Fapstronaut

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    yes we are not the one who suffers, everyone has their own problems of health, social issues and financial issues...the thing is some people got saturated with problems and wonder how to fix it and dont know where to get started...

    only reading, learning and taking action at right moment helps us to keep move on...
     
    horny nerd likes this.
  11. Bad_hombre

    Bad_hombre Fapstronaut

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    you've been taking a lot of abuse from your mother punching kids is neither normal or acceptable. You gotta find help your mother is wrong.
     
  12. CTRL + DEL

    CTRL + DEL Fapstronaut

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    Your circumstances are shit. Not you.


    One day my dad slapped me in front of family (for something he thought i did but actuwlly didn't) and i kicked him so hard in the chest, he took down an entire curtain rod (curtain and all lol) trying to gain balance. Trust me, family feuds are normal although i did escalate my case quite a bit haha. Look back on these times and realise that the fault may be in the people raising you. My dad and i are fine now. More than fine, I daresay. Let people realise where their mistakes lie. (Not through violence please; I still wish i could undo that part because the solution was in no way related to it.)


    I actually made a noose like contraption with rope and tied it to a support (curtain rod again XD) which i loosened with a screwdriver so the entire apparatus came crashing down when i tried to "kill myself". My entire family found out. I can safely say the problem bothering me was solved. Killing yourself is never an option. Turn every situation into your advantage. (Try to avoid deception of this level though. It's not fun at all.)


    I personally detest counsellors. They basically state the obvious but people are admittedly more open to their words as oppose to mine or yours simply because they have expertise.

    If you want to solve the issue yourself, step 1 is by having your family respect you. I got that with good grades and never doing drugs or alcohol or even going out with any girl that liked me. It's moreso the fact that my family has always respected me because of my self-respect (even when i -you know- was more than hostile with them). Prove your mental stability to them.


    Yikes. Well, i was never as much into P as M so i feel lucky i avoided this.


    WELL DONE!


    Yikes. Frankly, i'd prefer a relapse to any drug. Dad's a doctor so i guess that's pretty fixated in my mind.


    I'm not Mexican but i have lived in many countries other than my native one. You just summed up the last 12 years of my life hahahahahahahaha. The solution lies in 2 parts:
    1. Adaptation. (Pretty self-explanatory) this works really well but in your mind, the culture barrier will always exist.
    2. Find others like you. I found many guys and girls who were foreigners like myself and it worked out really, really well. I'm still in contact with many. This is the best solution there is.

    I listen to music a LOT as well haha.

    Forgive my abrupt reply to this post but i found so many things here (except the drugs and suicidal thoughts) relatable to myself and just had to reply.

    Believe me, you can make it a very, very fun life.

    Feel free to inbox me bro. You and i have much in common, although to be fair, i've resolved all the family issues i had in the past.
     
  13. nef

    nef Fapstronaut

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    check out this


    i do not own this video
     
    CTRL + DEL likes this.
  14. horny nerd

    horny nerd Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the reply.
     
  15. horny nerd

    horny nerd Fapstronaut

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    Nice video.
     
  16. Light of Freyja

    Light of Freyja Fapstronaut

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    I'm very cautious to give you specific advice.

    Since the age of 12 or so I was immersed in the darkness of my soul. I was violently bullied and made fun of by kids in school, sat alone at lunch, had 0 friends, and teachers didn't care. Over the years of enduring this I had become nihilistic, narcissitic, jerked off to porn all the time to alleviate stress. One day I heard the Tao Te Ching and hungered for immaterial wisdom rather than perusing any physical pleasure and almost become a Buddhist monk after doing multitiple month retreats.

    My appreciation for all of that experience is deep and wide but I'm glad that I didn't become amonk. There is the otherside to all that suffering. The only way out is through it. Learn to push your comfort boundaries by accomplishing what few people see willing to do. Embrace difficulty, challenge yourself, become greater than what you are now. Kings are forged in the coals of suffering.

    About your mother... always love your parents. It sounds like she is a single mother and going through her own trials. Have compassion for her she feels helpless in how to deal with you. She feels you need a father to discipline you to show you firmness which men do need but it's a mistake to hit your child. You both need to come to a center of understanding. If there's a lack of showing affection for each other maybe you can start there. You only get one mother and when she is gone that's it, you're left with how it ended so let it end well. Mothers are very important in our lives for so many reasons.
     
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