Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

DAY 186:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me
  Lie Dates: 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night we talked about my trigger from earlier, but I wanted to move on and talk about what he had learned from the webinar he "virtually attended" by "JK Emezi" called "7 Secrets of Porn Free Men" he took down notes in a notebook and went through it with me and we went through it all. Then we went back to the trigger and had a long heart to heart about my trigger from earlier and he again apologized for all the years of pain he inflicted upon me and what I've endured and am going through now. It got really emotional as my trigger was still quite active at the moment and he teared up as he was speaking about all those years that can not be changed. It's a difficult situation for me to process, confusing really, as someone who loves him and wants to be there for him, comfort him - when he is in such a state, but in the same breath I'm also angry at him for what he has done to me, in pain and in the middle of my own trauma - it's a really mind-boggling position to be in. I keep bringing this up to him, I tell him "is this kind of life you want to be living, for the rest of our lives?" what I mean is - him constantly apologizing, dealing with the effects of my triggers AND me having these intense triggers all the time. His answer stays the same "this is the consequence of my actions over the last 12 years and if it means I have to be there for you through those struggles, so be it, you've been with me through worse and for the kind of love/connection we have now, it's worth it". I don't know though, sometimes I wonder if that really is a happy life? constantly feeling sad/miserable for being the cause of someone's almost paralyzing state (when a bad trigger occurs). Then dealing with the trauma/repercussions like ruining a good time, events etc because a "trigger" happens to pop by. It might just be a lot less stressful to start over with someone who has absolutely no history, nothing for you to apologize for (yet) etc. The same thing I think about on my end, like I did at the end of Jan, in my mind I daydreamed about "how nice it would be to finally be with someone who wanted me, didn't ignore me" to have a relationship where I felt secure in my role in his life, where I didn't have to constantly wonder if he wanted other women over me, if he settled or something. Every time I get a big trigger, the thought does cross my mind: "would I have triggers with a different guy?" technically the same kind of women shouldn't trigger me, unless I catch the new guy ogling those kinds of women too, would the triggers go away altogether because the link to them wouldn't be there anymore? if I find someone as damaged as me, in the same sort of way, maybe he won't hurt me, so there won't be anything for me to get triggered by etc.

I can't help where my mind takes me... It's painful, all of it because I love my husband so much and this state of confusion is tearing me apart because this is not at all how I pictured my marriage 12 years ago - when I said I do, I was a young, hopeful (gullible) bride. I thought I was marrying a good guy, different than all the rest, someone who would love me, protect me, be loyal, cherish me and most of all make me feel safe & secure in all ways - but I ended up with a man, that was no different than all the rest, I ended up emotionally torn apart and betrayed in the worst way possible for over a decade and it just hurts - because right now, I feel such an intense connection with him, but I don't feel the security or safety in the relationship and I must have it.

We decided to take the little one to daycare, on the way out of the house, we bumped into the neighbor he ogled before, so I had to "suck it up" bright and early this morning, which was very fun coming off of yesterday big trigger. He dropped me off, so I started my walk alone, then Wade joined me later on. We discussed the same topics as last night, so I won't repeat it again. Got home took a shower, put on my new fitted bra and took it out for a spin lmao and it was so comfy and supportive, holy cow, it actually gave my back a little bit of a break, the other ones I have felt okay but they were fitted before I lost some weight, and really don't hold me up so well anymore - so this one was like WHOA and it made my girls pop too (TMI! but ya know). Afterward, we had a rather nice day. We went to the mall, picked up my resized rings and wow they cleaned/buffed them and they looked better than they did when they were bought! the Wade and our eldest did a VR experience, then we did a paint your own pottery class where our daughter got to paint a mug, as Wade and I painted a Lady Bug for our little one. It was a simple but pleasant day, no triggers for me there. Wade gave that bra a big thumbs up LOL he said they made the girls stand out, he's given me more compliments and paid attention to more details in the last 6 months like (tops, pants, capris, shorts, skirts, hair etc.) then he has in the last 12 years, it's nice but feels so strange to me.

On the ride to pick up our daughter from daycare the subject continued, he kind of annoyed me because he didn't like my use of the word "prime" and started to try and come up with new words we could use to replace it, like "spicy" and I'm like "Are you trying to get me triggered right now or pissed off?" because using "the women you find spicy" is going to make this all a whole lot worse and at the end of the day, the word used, will not change my interpretation of the meaning I have for it. So he stopped. He keeps trying to tell me that now that he see's clearly I'm all he wants, physically, but I just don't know how you go from one type, to another, fog or not. It's difficult for me to believe that I'm the one he actually really wants, not the one he settled for because I was a 'good loyal girl' aka because he just couldn't get one of his primes. Anyway... on a brighter note, he won a free phone call from JK Emezi and he is so excited about that, I am too. I hope he helps him during this call, he wants me to help him come up with some questions, even though I think he should be the one to come up with them.

My mind is a total clusterfuck, welcome to my world.

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And it completely sucks.

 

DAY 187:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me
  Lie Dates: 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night when we sat down for our talk, he brought out his notebook and he told me what he wanted to bring up on his phone call with JK Emezi (he is super excited about it) and asked me to help him put his thoughts/concerns into proper questions, so I did. Then we talked a little bit more about my trigger, which is slowing weaning off now, thankfully. Also, how I don't know if this is the kind of [love] life worth having, he keeps bringing up "you reap what you sow" and hence his actions over the last twelve years have resulted in this, so this is his consequence now and he doesn't mind. To me, that sounds more like a jail sentence, he says it's not and that "keeping you in my life, is worth dealing with a trigger here and there" because he wants me, all of me (with all of my up's and down's), loves me and only me etc.

This afternoon we walked and talked about his night, he said that the thought about M'ing or "he would have been M'ing" at this point of the night, didn't even cross his mind at all, which was new and felt nice. Then he asked me if I thought about something he mentioned last night. He posed an interesting point, something I really had to ponder... if I feel a lot different today, then I did in January when I decided I was done with him, could it be I am not "lifting my two-year mark" at this point, because subliminally it is what feels safe for me, to keep it around, as a backup plan? to be honest, and I told him this - I don't know, I never thought about it in those terms, that could be apart of it but I don't think it is all of it. I really do have a lot of fears surrounding staying in this marriage with him, I explained all of them to him, it is not only my security, it is a multitude of things. I don't think this will be the last of this topic though, which may be a good thing, perhaps the more we dive into it, the move we'll uncover. Then he did something to me, that he had never done before, it was interesting and felt good we had a good time after.

Later on today we went to the supermarket because we had to get a few things. Everything was running smoothly until the end. It wasn't too bad, but Wade's handling of the situation made everything a whole lot worse then it should have been. On the way to the check out lanes, we were walking to find the one with the least amount of people. One lane, there was a woman, bending over with short-shorts, that were too damn short, her entire ass was on full display. Now, that ass, I could have gone my entire life without seeing, but anyhow - that is not the point. He had a slip, his eyeballs went straight down, to an eye-to-ass ratio in an instant, I noticed just as fast but didn't make a mention of it and continued walking. I wanted to see if he would bring it up, on his own at all, he didn't. We got into the car and midway into the drive home, I said: "so, I noticed you slipped". That's when he had a choice, either respond the right way or the wrong way... he went the gaslight/full of excuses route. First, he said, "well it was not really a slip, he noticed her but there was nothing to see there, so it can't be a slip because it wasn't enjoyable or intentional". Then I said, well why did you look then? then he said: I was already looking in that direction because I wanted to see what line was shorter and she was there, bending over, so maybe her motion caught my eye. I said, but you knew her ass was down there, you went ahead and looked down with your eyeballs straight at her ass? he said well yes, but it was more because I was shocked at how nasty it was and how she could be wearing shorts like that. Then I said, well then why didn't you make any comments to me right away? like "omg, did you see that?" or "ugh, whoa, did you catch that" or anything to show me you WEREN'T "interested" but "disgusted" instead? he said he didn't think he had to. So I explained to him, how the scenario now plays out in my head: I witness him slip, he says nothing, I say nothing. Now, I am under the impression that he is happy "he got away with it" because I didn't say anything. Then when I finally did bring it up, instead of saying "YES, I did slip, but I was because I was just floored that she would put on shorts like that", he persisted to go in circles to end up at "yes" anyway. What else am I left to believe? then he said "but I didn't think anything of her ass, I didn't intentionally slip because I liked what I saw, and I had to remind him that 6 months ago, plus 12 years of wedded bliss, he put me through hell and back because he looked at every fucking ass on the damn planet: fat girls, skinny girls, tall girls, short girls, ones I thought were hideous, as well as his perfect apple bottom primes - so how the fuck am I suppose to tell the difference between slips of the "damn! look at that ass!!!!!!!" vs "damn, what's up with that ass!"? it is all the same shit to ME.

AND THIS last incident leads me right back to my other point, as to my "other fears" and reasons why I'm afraid to give up on my initial plan. Look, gathering up the courage to finally make a commitment to MYSELF that I deserve better, that I deserve to be happy, that I deserve to feel secure, that I deserve to have a man who wants ME, who picks ME, who is loyal to ME - took so much willpower, internal battles/struggles and strength to even bear fruit in my mind, let alone to then finally have the balls to say it out loud to him, that I was done, that our marriage was over because for once, I was putting myself first - I just don't know if I want to risk it (emotionally/mentally/time) going back on this merry-go-round with him, another chance would mean - if it goes well, it could be epic BUT if it does not and he hurts me, yet again, I may not survive the amount of destruction it could cause and I will regret the time I would have lost, again - so I don't know if it's worth it, after coming this far (readying myself mentally for a split). He was given an easy opportunity today to just be honest with me, especially if he didn't "care" for that ass, instead, he made excuses - this, after all of our talks, that was his choice. As much as things seem different right now, and as much as I'm enjoying the happy times, the crazy connection, communication...intense feelings etc., my emotions may not be letting me see things as clearly as I should be... so, time can either work for us or against us, he could easily get complacent with this recovery and by this time next year and these "slips" will become a dime a dozen again and my heart will continue to be broken. Anything can happen and that's the scary truth. Another scary truth and an even bigger issue for me? I don't feel 'safe' [in a betrayal trauma terms] or secure in my marriage and haven't felt that way for years, and I don't know how to change that or if it can be or ever will be changed. There we go with all of those what if's again -- on the flip side, I wish I could figure out a way to 'get there' with him, to feel that safety, it would mean so much to have it alongside the intimacy and connection...

On a brighter note, when he was cooking today, his butt looked so grabable, I just had to pinch it I love doing that. Also, at the supermarket, in one of the isle's I swiped his back too, I enjoy touching him lol I can't help myself sometimes.

Been doing a 30-day plank/squat challenge, on top of my walking, so my back has been killing me - even worse than usual, I can't tell if planks are supposed to be helping or making it worse? hmm so much for "fixing my core".

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DAY 188:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me
  Lie Dates: 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night when we had a miscommunication, on his part, and of course he thought he said something, he didn't. A bit earlier we decided we were going to play a game together later that night. He said "since we talked in the morning and a lot throughout the day, we can skip our talk tonight and play" and I said "sure"... so, he was finishing up something, I went to spend a few minutes with our older one, she and I talked a bit. Then he went out to smoke his pipe, I went back on my laptop, another 20 minutes passed - he walks in and says "are we going to talk?" and I was like, it's already 9:35 pm, I thought you wanted to skip the talk, play etc? and you are sitting out there smoking the whole time? then he goes "I thought you were going to come out and talk for a few minutes before we go play" LOL, he told me earlier we're skipping the talk, now he says we were suppose to talk? right, so, me not coming out for over 20 minutes didn't dawn on him? like why I was missing for so long? come on. When he does shit like this, it irks the hell out of me. By the time everything was said and done, we didn't have time to talk or play the game. Anyway, as much as how that whole situation unfolded, we ended up watching a tv show as he rubbed my feet, which was nice and relaxing, so I guess he made up for acting like an asshat.

This morning went a lot better than last night. He sent me a message bright and early that he was excited because he finally finished watching the Tony Robbins video {How to Rebuild a Broken Relationship} I sent him and he had a lot of thoughts, he even took notes and wanted to discuss some points with me. So, he picked me up and we went for our walk. We discussed the video and he brought up a few segments where he found some similarities (I nodded and said "me too!"), he also wondered if I ever loved him "unconditionally" and we had a whole talk about that point. Then he said, after paying attention to Tony Robbins bringing up "when things go wrong in relationships, it is never really the fault of just one person", so Wade wondered (while also constantly repeating to me that he doesn't want me to think he is trying to place any blame on me, for anything) but just going off on Tony's theory, if - say, maybe I had done anything different after the first big D-day in 2007, could I have done anything different, that may have changed how far gone he became? or maybe force his had to stop then, perhaps caused us to start talking sooner? we went through all of the things I did try (and it was a lot) he pushed me away at every turn, I'm not sure he was ready at that point and after just giving birth to my first, having a major D-Day, I was really emotionally vulnerable and not in a place of rational thought, my entire world was flipped upside down, I just took his word that he would stop, because I wanted it to all go away and pretend it never happened. However, throughout the marriage there were many times I tried to have talks, he pushed me away, I wanted him to lean on me, trust me with stuff, I let him know I was open to many things sexually, I was always there for him with open arms, even as I was dying inside and pulling away from him as a woman mentally (on my end)... I never let up from his perspective, he never noticed the difference. It wasn't until now when the veil has been lifted those little things here and there have begun to make sense and 'click' for him. In all, I think had I pushed him harder back then, he would have gotten more furious with me because at that time he didn't think he was doing anything wrong, but in all honesty, I don't know either -- I can only speculate. Perhaps if I had more balls and actually kicked him out, he would have hit rock bottom quicker and that might have triggered some fear or change? not sure or maybe it would have ended the marriage 10 years ago and neither of us would be on NoFap and you all wouldn't be reading this right now. I have no clue. Hindsight is always 20/20, but no one really knows what - could have, should have or would have been -- if only it happened "like this"... right now, we can only deal with what's in front of us, this big mess of emotions and unknowns. I told him, I am not offended and I don't think he is blaming me for anything and I want him to watch these videos and use them as tools (propellors of discussions) that later lead to THINKING, DISCOVERY, rationalization etc and both of us putting bits and pieces together, that is how we start to dive deep into thoughts, emotions and maybe even find the answers we so desperately seek. So, for me, I welcome it - it's why I sent it to him in the first place and I am sure I will be sending him more as I find them.

After the walk, on the drive home he told me that last night, on his way to work he saw a couple crossing the street - the woman had huge breasts, he noticed. He said he had an urge to look back and ogle/do a double take as he was driving off but he controlled himself and didn't turn around. He wasn't sure if I would consider it a slip or just a notice, I told him if he didn't turn to ogle, it's just a notice in my opinion. He said he knows he has to tell me to stay honest and accountable but he hates doing it because he thinks it will be used in my head to confirm my triggers when the thoughts pass my mind, I told him it will happen regardless of what he tells me or doesn't.

This afternoon as Wade slept, I took the girls to the pool, we had a good time. It was HOT and humid, but it was fine because we waited for like two weeks to finally get back into the pool (bad weather). Then after he woke up e took the little one to the playground, I guess it was too hot for others because it was empty lol but she kept herself occupied. Wade and I talked some more about the video and about us/our future. Overall it was a pleasant, trigger free, relaxing day.

From Tony Robbin's official website:
THE 5 DISCIPLINES OF LOVE
HOW TO CREATE YOUR ULTIMATE RELATIONSHIP
1. THE DISCIPLINE OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE & COMPASSION
Always put your lover first—it’s not about you! When you fully develop the skill of heartfelt understanding, you become conscious of your partner’s inner life. Rather than being an observer and critic, you feel what they feel and you will discover the deepest pleasure in your relationship—sexual and otherwise.

2. THE DISCIPLINE OF ABSOLUTE COURAGE & VULNERABILITY
Love no matter what and commit to absolute truth. Be present for your lover even during the most painful situations. Don’t just be physically present, be fully present– giving your lover your undivided focus. Any time you lose trust, interest or commitment, you drift closer to behaviors of criticism and rejection. Stay connected! Cultivate your commitment the way you would a precious flower. Your relationship will flourish no matter what your life circumstances may be.

3. THE DISCIPLINE OF KNOWING THE TRUTH
Here’s the truth: It’s a no-blame game. There’s an art to expressing mild upset without creating bigger problems. When you let something bother you, your partner will feel blamed. However, when something goes wrong, you must express yourself spontaneously, and from the heart. It’s crucial you set the context carefully for anything you share. Remember to use phrases that avoid blame.

4. THE DISCIPLINE OF TELLING YOURSELF THE TRUTH
Commit to moment-to-moment awareness of the impact of your state. If the basis of trust is confidence in your partner, then you must begin with confidence in yourself. Without it, you cannot induce lasting trust in others. When you can be yourself, others will perceive that and build trust in you. Hold true to the generosity of your highest intentions.

5. THE DISCIPLINE OF GIVING FREEDOM
The power of forgiving, forgetting and flooding. Why drag along the baggage of past mistakes? Whenever we have painful experiences, we can learn from them or use them to punish ourselves or others. People often blame their partners for past misdeeds. If you want passion, set your partner free. See their mistake from their perspective. Consciously harness the good in life to bring greater pleasure and intimacy.

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DAY 189:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me
  Lie Dates: 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night, through this morning Wade and I continued discussing Tony Robbins video {How to Rebuild a Broken Relationship} and laying out other theories we were thinking about. But it also seems his journal post (from yesterday) on here sparked a bit of controversy. I just wanted to reiterate that I was the one that sent him the video in the first place, knowing the content and how it could have been perceived by him but I thought the greater point of the video was worth the watch. Had I wanted to avoid a discussion or "not give him any ideas" about the topics, theories etc expressed in this video I wouldn't have shared it with him and just kept it to myself, he wouldn't have known it existed at all. So he can definitely blame me for that, for sending him the video lol. In my opinion, although it may not be shared with others here, I believe that the ultimate point in this video and my take away (and Wade's) is that Tony Robbins points out here is that "nothing is ever what it seems". What both the husband and wife thought they were fighting about, really wasn't the root of the actual problems they were harboring for years, therefore they were going in circles just pissing each other off and not resolving anything. They came up with "something" to bitch about because they weren't able to honestly express themselves to each other because lacked open communication. This hit home for me, big time, Wade and I have been together since 2004, married since 2006 but didn't start communicating honestly (or at all really) until Jan 2018, after I told him I was leaving him/ending our marriage, until after he began his recovery and asked me if I would have nighty talks with him. When I agreed to those nightly talks, I didn't realize where they would lead me, him or us... neither of us could have predicted where we'd be only 6 months in. At first, it was mostly him talking, and me actively listening. Then the more he opened up and showed me his vulnerability, my shell began to crack and I slowly I began letting some of my pain, that I had been holding onto, go, but it wasn't until he gave me his full disclosure, when he exposed himself completely to me and had nothing left to hide - when I too decided to really stop bottling up, let everything go and started forcing myself to fight my instincts (to hold it in) and talk freely. As we both continued to talk openly and honestly, our connection really got to a deep level emotionally, we felt intimacy like we never have before and we finally understood what actual love was, what we were feeling now is not what we felt all those years together, even sex feels different. Today, we are able to literally talk about anything from good things, bad things, sad things, hurtful, painful, emotional, triggering, angering, playful, happy - you name it. We can watch the same video, interpret it exactly the same way, or come away with varying thoughts and then have a whole discussion on why dig deeper to understand each other's perspective. We are actually excited about our talks these days to share information, things we've learned, thoughts we came up with after our prior talks. We never had honest communication in our relationship before, and it wasn't until we got it, that we realized what the fuck we were missing all these years and how many problems could have been either avoided or solved, if only we had this connection, back then. That was Tony's point too, communication is so important and no matter how much it hurts at first, you need to break through the pain, to get to this place, where you finally feel free to be your honest self, because if you are not, then you will keep fighting and not resolving the real problems.

Case and point, I could have easily continued to be my old self and not admitted to Wade that I still feel like I don't have safety & security with him at this point, that I feel like I'm not his type ("prime") and just pretended everything was going smoothly anyway, like I use to, until I would get triggered (and not tell him I was triggered) then suddenly snap at him, and he wouldn't understand why. So we'd argue and I'd keep repeating: I'M FINE. Then have some back and forths etc... but no, now we talk, every day and he understands where I am coming from -- my triggers, trauma, struggles, pain and how I am trying to process it, he is also trying his best to help me through it. Just having someone to sound off to, instead of bottling up has been making a huge difference for me. #Communication

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DAY 190:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me
  Lie Dates: 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night, Wade and I, discussed the Tony Robbins video {How to Rebuild a Broken Relationship} a bit more and how important communication is. Then we decided to take a break from all that and work on the puzzle, our 1,000 piece puzzle that he got me for our anniversary. It was so humid out that we couldn't sit out too long, but we got a few more pieces in before going back inside.

This morning he was excited again - I love when he is excited about recovery work, it gets me excited, lifts my mood dramatically. He watched only a portion of another Tony Robbins video that I sent him {Heal your relationship no matter what} and he already took down plenty of notes and showed me over 22 screenshots of items he wanted to go over with me. I told him he should finish the whole thing first, so we could really talk about it all. He agreed, so we will do so, as soon as he is done with the whole thing. Then he asked me another interesting question as we walked, if I had Tony Robbins right in front of me, asking me questions and giving me advice, would I hear it, think it makes perfect sense and be open to trying what he suggests or would I hear it and argue with him because I don't see it like he does, I know my own truths and refuse to see it any other way? to be honest, I don't know. Maybe he would need to work a little longer with me lol because I could be a tough nut to crack, then again 12 years of damage can do that to a person.

This evening he had his free phone call with JK, the coach who has been PM free for over 11 years and I can not wait until we put the kids down, so I can hear about it. I am excited.

I am also spending a lot of time trying to find myself some more tools/materials to boost my effort in healing my own trauma, seems like there isn't too much stuff easily available on this. I'll keep looking though.

#video
Tony Robbins Saves A Marriage - 8 Minutes: (MUST WATCH FOR HUSBANDS!)


Tony Robbins: THE MAGIC OF CHANGING YOUR THINKING!


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Thank you

For me, at the moment I keep circling back to these thoughts:
1. How can I stop getting triggered by nothing! (in my opinion)- I mean, it's no longer a matter of witnessing him "in the act" or "slipping" (ogling) but just me seeing someone he would have ogled in the past, his 'type', boom an uncontrollable trigger hits and I don't like it, how it makes me feel or act. At the moment the PTSD from triggers is my biggest struggle.

2. I also struggle with my fears:

• Will I ever have/feel the safety/security in my relationship, as a woman, enough to be happy? if so, how do I attempt to get there?
• Will I ever be able to believe him when he tells me I'm beautiful when the voice inside my head reminds me of what he has done over the last 12 years? how do I get past THAT and maybe trust this new him really does 'want me' 'desire me' etc.
• Him going back to lying/hiding/secrets. I'm not afraid of a relapse, I'm afraid if he does, he will be ashamed and instead of being honest and working together to reboot, he will lie and the same pattern will begin again.
• If I give him another chance, will he use that against me, take it as a pass and then hurt me all over again?

My mind has so many questions, concerns and "what if's" rolling around in it, it's difficult to keep track sometimes.

This video gave me a little hope:

"Am I going crazy? Is this my fault? These are just a couple of the many questions wounded partners ask themselves over and over again after they discover their spouse has cheated. In this segment of RecoveryTV, licensed counselor, Joshua Nichols, has a special message to all spouses that have been tragically wounded by an unfaithful partner. We hope this video will offer you more understanding but also HOPE for HEALING."

 

Oh wow, thank you so much for this! I appreciate it, I'll check them all out in the coming days!

 

Wanted to share a 3 part series I just watched, great for S.O's!

Healing from Betrayal Trauma: Series by Jacqueline Thibodeau

#1 What is Betrayal Trauma:

Resources for people who have been impacted by their partner's sexual addiction and or chronic betrayal are often limited and difficult to get. It is my hope, that with this video people can gain support and understanding about this traumatic experience. You are not alone. In this video, I discuss what betrayal/ relational trauma is and the impacts that it can have on your mind, body, relationships, and community.




#2 Safety Through Boundaries and Self Compassion:

In this video, I discuss the importance of emotional and physical safety is explored, along with a step by step guide for boundary work and an understanding of self-compassion.



#3 Grieving Betrayal
In this video, I discuss the stages of grief, through a betrayal trauma lens. And how to create safety for ourselves.

5 stages of grief:
1. Shock and Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Sorrow
5. Acceptance

 

DAY 191:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me
  Lie Dates: 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night Wade told me about his phone call with JK Emezi, he was excited about this call and I was excited for him. He had a whole page full of notes he had taken during the call, so we went over all that. JK told him that he would be willing to give him another 45-minute phone call [free] to help him set up a plan for staying on track and porn/masturbation free. We are both happy about that, I hope he follows through and makes that next call happen.

Also, last night, as I was working on a project for a client, I put on my headset and started going through betrayal trauma YouTube videos, as one of them finished, before I got to click on another, it auto-play went off and "Out of the Doghouse: Sex Addiction, Infidelity, and Betrayed Spouses" began playing. As I sat there listening to this man, Dr. Robert Weiss speak, his words began to resonate with me, I began feeling my knots in my stomach, my heart was racing and I had to actually hold back tears because my kids were running around. It was like he was pulling thoughts and feelings right out of my head and verbalizing them out loud, it was powerful and had my emotions running wild.

This morning I walked a bit alone and listened to my upbeat music to decompress and just not think of anything, in particular, Wade was running late from work and then he caught up with me and walked a little, so we could talk. He told me about his night at work, no issues there. He said he watched a bit more of the "Heal your relationship no matter what" video, but hasn't finished it yet. We talked a little bit about the part he watched and then we got home and he went to bed, I went to work.

As I worked, I turned YouTube back on and begin sifting through more healing/trigger/betrayal trauma videos. I stumbled upon a lot of interesting ones, I sent a few to Wade, posted a bunch in my couples group on here, and then, I came upon a few videos that mentioned something called the "grounding technique" which is used for people who have PTSD (triggers) and/or panic attacks, to help them calm or de-escalate their uncontrollable, irrational neurological reactions - to help ground themselves. This peaked my interest as I have been suffering from pretty severe triggers these days and my body's mental and physical response is overwhelming and exhausting, they feel just like my old regular panic attacks (which I've had on rare occasion) but 10 x worse and a whole lot angrier.

What is grounding? {Grounding Techniques for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder}
Grounding is a particular type of coping strategy that is designed to "ground" you in, or immediately connect you with, the present moment. Grounding is often used as a way of coping with flashbacks or dissociation when you have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Grounding techniques often use the five senses—sound, touch, smell, taste, and sight—to immediately connect you with the here and now. For example, singing a song, rubbing lotion on your hands, or sucking on some sour candy are all grounding techniques that produce sensations that are difficult to ignore or distract you from what's going on in your mind. This helps you directly and instantaneously connect with the present moment. At the same time, grounding reduces the likelihood that you will slip into a flashback or dissociation.

Another form of grounding (as explained in the second video) is finding something like a person, photo, item, sound (music) that you can focus on and feel safe or brings your mind back to a memory/time when you felt safe. So for me, when did I feel the safest? I guess it would be the 90's and early 2000's when I didn't have a care in the world, I didn't feel scared and I felt really secure within my own self. I think I will try that, making a playlist perhaps of all the tracks I use to back then when life was carefree and fun - so if a trigger hits, I can pop in my headphones and turn on this playlist and see if it takes the triggers down a notch. If not, then I can try one of the other "senses" or methods listed on that link above. At this point, I am willing to give anything a try, I don't know how much more of these triggers my body/mind can withstand without a nervous breakdown.

Once I test the method(s) I will be sure to update everyone, to let you know if it works.

#video
OMG I watched/listened to this video last night and I felt like he was reading my thoughts and feelings, I was almost in tears and nodding the whole time. POWERFUL.
Out of the Doghouse: Sex Addiction, Infidelity, and Betrayed Spouses: (MUST WATCH FOR ALL!)


Simple Grounding Exercise for Dealing with a Panic Attack:


Grounding Techniques in Trauma Therapy:


Two Simple Techniques That Can Help Trauma Patients Feel Safe with Peter Levine:


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Glad to share

 

DAY 192:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me
  Lie Dates: 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night we spoke about random stuff, our kids and then a bit about recovery. I told him about the various videos I watched, specifically finding out about this thing called "grounding techniques" which can be used for people who have PTSD (triggers) and/or panic attacks, to help them calm or de-escalate their uncontrollable, irrational neurological reactions - to help ground themselves. (Check out my post #710 for text/video on this method) Wade seemed really intrigued about it. I told him I sent him a few more videos to watch, but not these because they aren't really relevant to him/his recovery, but they are on my journal if he is bored and wants to check them out. He said, "of course I am interested, it's about you, helping your triggers and making you feel better, why wouldn't that be interesting to me?" and hearing him say that, actually made me feel good inside, I can't describe it but it felt like butterflies in my stomach. He showed genuine interest, care, and wanted to know how my triggers work/affect me and if there was a way he could help if needed, it was very sweet.

This morning I walked alone because he was stuck at work again. As I walked I thought a lot about the range of videos I've been watching recently, especially the ones posted by "The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert" (YouTube account) because a lot of them are so relatable to me, my situation, how I feel, the relationship and just all of it because it's not just the pro talking but also offers insight from the couple (the betrayed & the addict) I guess it made me slightly more, hopeful, maybe? not sure what that feeling was, can't put a name to it, yet. Wade called me as I was finishing my 3rd circle, that he was on his way home, so he would make it back in time to pick me up, but too late to walk with me because he needed to get to bed. Instead of just hanging up as he normally would, he decided to chat (without being provoked by me) while he drove and I walked. He watched some of the videos I sent him, including "Addiction Recovery: Difference of Sobriety and Recovery" so we discussed that one. I felt weird, walking around and looking like I belong in a looney bin talking to myself. LOL.

He also mentioned that he wanted to watch "Out of the Doghouse: Sex Addiction, Infidelity, and Betrayed Spouses" with me tonight, I already watched it on my own, but I don't mind watching it again and answering any questions he may have throughout it. A lot of work between the kids and my client, I feel like my back is going to give out soon, but hey no triggers - so that's a plus in my book.

#video
Great Video's I thought I would share:
Relationship Recovery: Rebuilding Safety & Trust in a Relationship


Betrayal Trauma and Addiction Recovery: Creating A Healthy Connection



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DAY 193:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me
  Setback (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) Dates: 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
• Daily talk with my husband.
  
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.

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Last night we spoke about some of the videos posted by "The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert" and how we can relate to many of them. I told him a little bit about the denial videos I watched, the betrayed one (part 2) and thins I found similar to myself, but I told him it would be better if he watched them both first, so we could really talk about all the points from a - his and her perspective, because I did find a lot of similarities in what the expert described and what Wade used to say/do. We plan on getting through all of them over time, well at least I do. I am happy that I stumbled upon this trio/video series, it's nice having the perspective of not only an expert (pro/therapist) but also the betrayed spouse and the recovering addict, a married couple that has gone through some of the very same things we seem to be going through right now and have gotten past similar ups and downs, that to me, right now still seem like they are impossible to get through. Then we discussed boundaries and how sometimes setting excessive boundaries are not helpful to the betrayed, nor the addict in recovery if they are being set for manipulative purposes. If the boundaries are put in place because it makes you, as the betrayed feel safe - that's reasonable, if you are doing it solely to punish/manipulation or control him, it's not right and you are only going to cause more strain on an already stressful situation. That's just our opinion though, everyone is different and every couple should do what they see fit, obviously. For me, my boundaries are simple: no phone in the bathroom, by the bed if he is going to bed alone and I think that's it? then we talked about me and how I'm attached to my smartphone, he told me that I've been making him nervous the last few weeks cause normally when he shoots me a message in the middle of the night, I respond to him but recently, I don't till morning. I told him the reason why is because I've been challenging myself to NOT pick up my phone in the middle of the night, even if I hear an alert, wake up to go to our daughter etc. Every time I pick up my phone to respond to him at 3:30 am, one thing leads to another and it's 4:30 am and I've still scrolling mindlessly through my facebook feed and wondering why the hell I am not sleeping. Ironically, he told me that he also doesn't like it, that in the mornings, when he still wants to hold me/cuddle, I grab my phone and start going through my client emails, then checking my social media etc... I say ironically because 6 months ago he wouldn't get give a crap, he'd prob turn back around and try to catch some extra's ZzZ's - so, he gave me another challenge, do not pick up my phone at all in the mornings, until I am out of bed and done with my morning routine, I accepted this challenge.

This morning we spoke about our daughter and her emotional behavior. How much I've been learning about emotions, triggers, stress and uncontrollable reactions etc. So, I feel like sometimes, Wade and I are a bit hard on her and tell her to "stop crying so much" "there is nothing to cry about" because she literally cries about every, but I think we need to stop, because maybe it's just an uncontrollable reaction for her, like triggers for me. When I get triggered, my emotions take over - rational thought and reason go out the window and when someone tries to "logic me out of" a trigger, it just escalates my reaction. After all, she is only 10 and we need to stop talking to her like she is a mini-adult, even if we are going through our own shit too. Everything has to change, I don't want her to turn into an addict like him or bottle up to avoid dealing with problems like me.

Then we had to take a drive down to the mall to pick up Wade's wedding ring, it was being repaired, somehow he got a crack in it making one of the diamonds lose. Also, to pick up our polished pottery from last week. The drive there was so peaceful and nice, just blasting upbeat music and it felt like neither of us had a care in the world. The same thing on the way back... then we took the kids to the pool and just had a nice and relaxing day. Later on, my parents wanted to go to the outdoor mall concert and just thinking about that was making me anxious. Then Wade kept telling me to just stay home and he'll take the girls, I told him that might make it even worse, for my mind - but he kept insisting. Sort of making seem like he really didn't want me to go for some reason (my head instantly jumped to - "obviously, so he can ogle in peace"), normally I would have gotten pissed, not said anything and stayed home and festered. This time, I told him straight up - it sounds like you really don't want me to go, hmm... he told me he was sorry and it was more about him be afraid of me getting triggered and nothing more or anything nefarious. Wade and I have finally figured out through many months of talking every day, it is better to live in an uncomfortable truth, then a temporary comfortable lie that slowly eats away at you. If either of us has something we are still holding onto (a secret, fear, sense of shame etc.) we can not fully connect and both of us will feel it and wallow in it, then that uneasiness will leak out in other daily life/activities.

There were a lot of triggers at the concert, I think I handled myself well enough - my parents were there, my kids too so I sort of had to. Then we went to the supermarket after, we were at the deli waiting for our number to be called (and it was taking FOREVER), Wade went to the restroom, I was standing with the little one and then it happened. One of his "primes" stopped by, her face looked like it was hit with a brick, but she had the body he loves to drool over. I got triggered pretty bad, Wade was still in the bathroom thankfully, but I felt like my little one was starting to irritate me more and more and I was afraid of snapping. So, I wanted to test out one of those grounding techniques. I popped in one of my earbuds, turned on my 90's-00's jams and you know, I have to say it did help quite a bit, I can't say 100% but I felt the sensations pulsating throughout my body/heart racing start going down, same with my rage. Wade finally came out, she was gone by then (phew) and he saw, he grabbed my hand and started massaging it, that felt really nice too, the pressure seemed to calm my nerves. Now, it's time to go watch "Out of the Doghouse: Sex Addiction, Infidelity, and Betrayed Spouses", we ran out of time last night.

#video
Great Video's I thought I would share:
Betrayal Trauma and Addiction Recovery: Addicted and in Denial:


Betrayal Trauma and Addiction Recovery: Betrayed and in Denial:


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DAY 194:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.

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Last night we skipped our talk, but that's because we spoke in the morning and afternoon. Instead, we watched "Out of the Doghouse: Sex Addiction, Infidelity, and Betrayed Spouses", his mind was also blown, he immediately knew the moments where I found similarities as he heard them and where Dr. Weiss was really piercing my heart, with what he was saying/describing. He was pausing the video a lot, so he could discuss various points of the video - so I guess we did kind of talk, but not fully. I don't mind that at all (the pausing), I think it opens up productive question/answers for us both.

He slept in this morning, my mom sat with my little one and I worked a little and listened to some more YouTube videos. Man, I am really learning a lot, there is so much information out there, it's a good thing but it got to a point where I began feeling like I was getting a bit of ... information overload, so I decided to mix it up a bit and began to just listen to music to decompress my mind. Then when Wade woke up, we had a Pokemon Go event, normally we would have gone to a local park, but it has been raining all day. So, we took the kids to the indoor playground at the mall which was super packed, so we skipped that and decided to just walk around the mall instead. Bad, bad, bad idea all around, there were so many people, so many triggers/"threats" and I was beginning to feel really agitated and overwhelmed, Wade had a lot of notices too, he claims he had no slips but I don't know *shrug* I saw a ton of his primes there, the more I saw, the more I kept comparing each one to myself, the darker my thoughts would take me and it just kept reminding me - yet again, I am not who he wants, I am not his first choice, I am not his type and I need to stay clear-headed myself and in focus, I must remember those facts and not get lost in all of these emotions/feelings, because I keep jumping back and forth with all of this confusion and I shouldn't forget the facts that have been laid before me for years. Oh, I also spotted so many "thirsty" oglers - ogling me, I just kept rolling my eyes and that was getting me even more irritated because they could see my 10-year-old was right next to me. Some of the oglers were good looking but that didn't make it any better, most of them were nasty creepers, some young, some old and it hit me that - no matter the age, race, background, marital status, all men are the same... That triggered me to think how many times Wade didn't care when he ogled women with their kids right there too or their husbands, especially his coworker, when he did it in front of her kids, her husband, me and our kids too, my rage level was maxing out and if it wasn't for my music - I would have really snapped at our daughter, because she was being quite annoying right in the middle of all these thoughts, of course, it's not her fault, but I can't help my triggers and I was trying as best as I can. I had my headphones with me, popped one in and put on my music, it did help calm me a bit, not completely but it was better than nothing at all.

I hate getting triggered. It sucks.

#video
Videos worth a look:
Betrayal Trauma & Addiction Recovery: Sex Fast, A Good Idea? (pretty much the idea of "porn fog/lust/objectification")


Betrayal Trauma & Addiction Recovery: Difference of Checking Boxes and Recovery


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