Relapse after relapse

Since, accidentally, coming across manga porn that wasn't blocked. I have relapsed nearly everyday this week. My best streak has been one day. All this because the images have been haunting me.

Thankfully that has subsided but my phone has become a source of porn. So I found and app to block unwanted content. I have also tweaked settings here and there and I believe my desktop is now secure.

I feel like shit. I swear my hands look as hairy as an ape's, and we know those things are really into wanking.

So tomorrow, I start fresh. I will be free of porn and fapping. I say this in part because I am DETERMINED to make it 30 days. But I also have the benefit of my wife and I leaving for Long Island Saturday, to spend Christmas with them. So that is a week free of porn and masturbation right there, and past evidence has shown me that after the first week it gets easier for me.

I just really want this hell to end. I want to reach reboot and be free of this poison that has controlled me for all these years.

 

On the bright side, I'm not lacking for motivation. My wife is enjoying sex more than before, and she didn't think it was possible because I always pleased her, because I'm getting bigger and harder erections. Also for me, sex has never felt better than since I made it 30 days, I feel more and I'm cumming.

This is why I feel terrible after all these relapses because I fear that I'll go back to where I was before. Even if my masturbation grip is much lighter than it used to be. So every time I relapse, I think "Oh God, now I'll be less sensitive. I'm closer to being back where I started.". The fear is always there when I relapse. I can shrug off one relapse but a week of multiple relapses has me scared.