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I just fucking relapsed

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by whatvidone, Dec 19, 2014.

  1. whatvidone

    whatvidone Fapstronaut

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    SON of a bitch! son of a bitch! son of a bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im clearly not ready, let me walk you through the day. I was browsing nofap when i came across an article talking about hentai porn. So i type into google why do people watch hentai porn, i click on a page and all the peoples profile pictures were naked hentai chicks. SO i decided id do a quick google images search. Almost jizzed my goddamn pants. I slammed my laptop. Once i stopped getting responses from kirsten i went over the edge. went straight to my computer and type in a hentai porn website and literally jizzed my pants. I never touched it its all hazy i just remember knowing it was coming so i ran to the trash can and barely made it. I feel so fucking sick now. Im done with everything sexual if i cant control myself, its time to start over... again.... son of a bitch...
     
  2. Dude!Dont take take yourself so seriousily and be too hard on yourself.What do you say about me I cant even last a week without fapping,but you know what I do.I dont give up,I come here and restart my counter.If you really cant control it,your urges I would suggest staying away from the internet until you can trust yourself to look for porn.Another thing I would suggest is doing metidation daily and installing K-9 on your laptop.Good luck.
     
  3. whatvidone

    whatvidone Fapstronaut

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    No getting rid of this fucking thing, and my phone, every peice of electronics because they are the godamn devil in disguise and no im not religous before i get flamed, sorry Fapstronauts im not gonna be around to here you replies anyway, im out, its time for serious change not just NoFap. From now on if im not eating or sleeping im going to be outside, like humans were meant to. No more video games or tv, not more surfing the web, no more lounging in the recliner. Its time to change my fucking life and i vow that i will never relapse again. Also no women, they are deceitful and crued, every women ive ever attempted to get with ended up giving me the cold shoulder, and you know what??? I would make them so godamn happy they wouldnt even know how to respond. So fuck em, if I ever get a girl shes going to ask me out i dont care anymore im not gonna play some stupid little game of masks just to have a sexual relationship. Im so sick and tired of everything in this new age, its all bullshit and fake, i jacked off to some fake girls, not only that but the website was specifly called younghentai girls, which if you can guess is like 10 year olds so jesus wtf is wrong with me im fucking done,im done regretting my decisions its time to start throwing some blame on the people that fucking put me in this predcicament, i turn my back on all who kill beneovolent ones, all who are jealous and greedy, 10 grand is my goal and its off to the woods, for a peaceful quit life, i cant take this anymore im so sick, even those 16 days of NoFap was just more bullshit, not saying ill fap again because i wont, from this day forward i take a vow of chastity until one day a women wants to be there for me! not me for her! From this day forward i vow to return to my original quiet state because that is the true me, i will watch and listen, i will not teach, i will not preach, i will not fake it to cope with the stress anymore its time to stop all this nonsense. Fuck it all, theres hardly any support on here anyway, just the same 15 people replying over and over and resetting over and over, no fuck that im done, no more resetting, im fucking done. Peace the fuck out
     
  4. monkotto

    monkotto Fapstronaut

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    calm down! nothing is wrong with you - you are addicted like many people here.

    relapse belongs to this process.

    what was your best streak? start now and try to beat it.

    good luck.
     
  5. CrossGlow

    CrossGlow Fapstronaut

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    Oh man, hentai... *drools*

    But on a more serious note, please be kinder to yourself. Sure people relapse over and over again, but at least they never give up.
     
  6. octonacho

    octonacho Fapstronaut

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    Deep breaths. You can't do anything about the past. Focus on what you're going to do differently this time. I would not be surprised if you were on some level expecting to see something inappropriate when you performed that search. Be honest with yourself. If you honestly weren't expecting that, then in the future be more aware and if something does show up that you weren't prepared for, turn the computer off and get away quickly! Recognize where you got off track and make sure you don't go there in the future. I know it's cliche, but don't play with fire. If you think software like K-9 would help then go for it, but remember that eventually you need to be your own strongest firewall.

    Turn your anger and frustration into motivation to do better going forward. Best of luck, you can do this.
     
  7. whatvidone

    whatvidone Fapstronaut

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    I suppose i was too irate about this, but I did not expect to see anything when i type in why do people watch hentai, i just wanted summon to clarify i guess, then i saw the naked girls and i got triggered but i saved myself, then I got blown off by this girl so i decided i was going to look and hentai porn. It was just a shitty day..
     
  8. IGY

    IGY Guest

    I think you were very naïve to think you could search for "why do people watch hentai?" and not expect porn to come up. If you have questions like that, pose them here on NoFap.
     
  9. purity

    purity Fapstronaut

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    I have to commend people for coming back here after a relapse and talking about it, regardless of what they are actually saying which most of the time is very nasty things about themselves.

    My relapses are much darker, much more damaging, and as of late even potentially deadly.

    If I may just share a little on what happens when I relapse, I don't expect anyone to gain anything from it, I just want to shed light on it and call it out for what it is.

    When I relapse I turn my back on NoFap, the last thing I want to do is come to this site. The neurochemical changes that take place in my brain once I start edging activate what I like to call the hamster on his delightfully indulgent wheel of illegitimate pleasures.

    Once the hamster jumps on the wheel, it's a one way street towards death alley. You see I have wired my brain's addictive pathways to seek out amphetamines and alcohol to intensify the dopamine fix gained through PMO. I can stop myself in this process, but once I O it's like entering an abyss. The void inside has been opened and I desparately seek to fill it with mind numbing substances.
     
  10. AgAu

    AgAu Fapstronaut

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    I have to say, I don't understand the attraction to hentai. Never watched it, just can't imagine myself getting excited from a cartoon. I realise we are all different though, I'm not judging.
     
  11. Move_Along1991

    Move_Along1991 Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, I know that feeling man...I had a great streak going on and then it all happened while I was watching porn vine videos. It had been a while since I relapsed, and I was doing good, but then as I was watching more and more videos, searching for more porn vines, I jizzed in my pants. It was the very first time that had ever happened; before then, I would have never thought it was possible. We must be careful and stay away because we stimulate our brains so much that it's like the worst tease we could get; we say we won't touch ourselves or masturbate, but then it lets loose all on its own. You can pick back up though. I've had Faith on my side; and by this Faith, I mean I've been praying to God to give me the strength each an every day. Without him guiding me through, I don't know how I would have made it this far. I don't know if you're religious, but God bless you, man...and here's to success in the near future.
     
  12. feo1966

    feo1966 Fapstronaut

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    Here is a quote from a book I just read. Change never happens without failure.



    Heath, Chip; Heath, Dan (2010-02-16). Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard (Kindle Locations 2313-2315). Random House of Canada. Kindle Edition.


    And those that don't EXPECT failure are less likely to reach their goal, because the see falling down as proof they can't do it, rather than part of the learning process.
     
  13. feo1966

    feo1966 Fapstronaut

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    I am finding it helpful to set a goal for further back in the Relapse process.

    If you JUST set a PMO counter, you leave yourself a lot of room to tease yourself, watch sexy images, fanticize, etc.

    By relapse process, I mean once you start letting yourself fantasize, next thing you are Googling for hot celebrities, then watching sexy vids on Youtube, then porn.

    So I have set goals for the early part of the process. I have a counter for Googling any actress name, etc. Anytime time I type in the address, I reset that counter

    I also have a goal "Extended Fantasy". i.e., I might fantasize for a few seconds, but I am practicing catching myself immediately and stopping.

    It is making it much easier to stay away from the escalation steps that lead to PMO
     
  14. NoBrainer

    NoBrainer Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    It sounds like you would benefit from using K9 safe search whatvidone. However seaching up "why do people watch hentai" is treading dangerously, almost as if a part of your brain was wanting you to find porn by a supposedly innocent search.
     
  15. whatvidone

    whatvidone Fapstronaut

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    I really think the search was innocent though, the ones afterward definetly werent. You see i went to a forum like this and bam! every single profile picture was a naked hentai girl. That was like trigger land and I was the finger. However I have learned from this, im going to install k9 and this time make it so i cant get on no matter what by puting in a random letter password. Im setting this to shut off internet acess at 11 o clock and also im puting in a ton and i mean a ton of keywords. Overtime my brain will just get used to the fact i cant be on past 11 and i cant look up nasty pictures. Oh by the way guys i almost just gave into a chaser but i stopped myself thank god.
     
  16. AgAu

    AgAu Fapstronaut

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    Since you bought about the topic, I had a search for it too, I was curious.
     
  17. Monster Carrot

    Monster Carrot Fapstronaut

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    This k9 software really does work if you keep testing it and then make modifications. Eventually mine got to the point where I was dying to look up some bad stuff (when I was surging) but I literally could not think of another way to bypass it on my computer. It was a total buzz-kill, thankfully. You can PM me if you want some advanced tips on perfecting the k9 settings.
     
  18. galaxim

    galaxim Fapstronaut

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    When I relapsed after 101 days, I didn't want to return here. So I give it a try on my own: I lasted only five days. So I returned here immediately after that. Returning and writing here is a way of humility, I think, of recognizing our own mistakes. But it shouldn't be a masturbation free card: "I'm going to FAP. Afterwards, I'm going to write something at NoFap at that settles it". I think that one should learn from every relapse, imagining this process as the building of a castle: each time that you're attacked you have to build stronger defenses. Otherwise you're always going to be attacked by the same flank. I ended up with an hyperrestrictive routine (in terms of MO/PMO) and that finally worked.

     
  19. Whatever

    Whatever Fapstronaut

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    Confucius said that it is easier to light a candle than curse the darkness.
     
  20. Walk the Path

    Walk the Path Fapstronaut

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    Sounds like you're in the thick of it partner. I feel for you.
    I wish you the strength to be the person you want to be.
     

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