Trying to gain back my SOs trust

Day144.

Well, I think honesty is the only way I can gain any trust back, and if I'm going to be honest, I have to say; I haven't been.

Now, I have been through quite a rough patch since my mam passed away (and I hate to use it as an excuse) but I had noticed that I haven't been putting as much effort in recently, starting just after she died.

I thought that I could handle it, and get back on with things, but it turns out that I struggled more because of it.

I needed to become accountable again, so I could help myself stop ogling (it actually sounds ridiculous that this is such an issue, but I guess when it's become such an automatic response, it needs concentration to stop or avoid doing it) so I have told my wife about it.

Naturally though, my wife is now questioning my entire nofap journey, and whether I have actually stopped P or M, but I have to say that it is only the ogling that has slipped.

I think that another thing that has played a part in this is that I have lost my routine being off work. Hopefully starting back at work full time, I can gain back my routine, and start completing my lists again, but more importantly, stay accountable and work towards rebuilding our relationship.

Thanks @drewharbour for your advice, I have read @Kenzi 's post about @Rock_Star 's lists, perhaps I need a recap to see if there is anything new I can look at doing.

 

Day 145.

Well, things obviously aren't great between my wife and I right now. I think we had made some good progress, and I have gone and thrown it down the toilet by not telling my wife when I was struggling.

I just wish I had learned from my previous mistakes, but it seems like I must be an idiot (which should have been obvious by now).

My real concern now is that I may have just added the straw that broke the camel's back. I know that I have hurt her beyond repair, and I don't know right now if she will ever recover with me by her side. I truly hope she can and that I can help us heal, but I don't know if it's possible.

I am, however, trying my hardest to stay happy. We had been planning lots of things recently, such as new garage and extension to the house, and I'm trying to be positive about that.

 

Day 146.

Today has gone okay. I've been to work this morning, and will start back full time on Monday, but I've got the weekend before then.

We will be starting to prepare the garden for building a new garage this weekend and will also be searching for a new car after my car has started to play up.

I have felt more positive today, and feel good getting back on track and being accountable again.

I do feel positive about how I'm going to stay focussed on my recovery, but I just hope that my wife can somehow feel the same. I'm not sure she can because of all the crap she has taken over the years, and naturally, she can't trust me that I am even recovering at all at the moment.

 

Day 147.

Today has felt pretty good. We have done a lot of hard work in the garden and we showed some preliminary plans of our extension to our neighbours (although we aren't entirely sure what they really think about them).

We also had a nice meal out with the kids and my dad, but the eldest is still persistently wetting herself, which can be quite stressful.

I've had no issues with regards to ogling etc today either, and I feel like the mood in the house has been quite happy and light hearted, with a good focus on the future.

Tomorrow we are looking at some cars, so fingers crossed, we will find a gem!

 

@Foxislander was it a decision for recovery that you guys have gone hard mode, or was it a result of your wife's discovery that she no longer wants to be as intimate?

 

Day 148.

Well, I've put a deposit down for a new car, and we received the elevation drawings for our planned extension, so fingers crossed that will get moving in the next few weeks.

So today has felt pretty positive, although stressful to an extent when looking for "the" car.

It's been good to be able to talk about the future with positivity again, I know I just need to keep focussed now, and not let things slip (in short, I need to learn from my mistakes).

 

I'm not sure we can really tell you what's best for this. As far as oral is concerned, I think it's best for you guys to work that out, although I think it's important that, if it did happen, that you do it because you want to and not because you feel like you should to make things better. I also think you shouldn't make her feel uncomfortable about it.

Sorry I can't help much with that, but I don't think it's something I can really tell you is okay, it is for you and your wife to figure out.

 

Day 150.

We are sending our plans to builders now, so hopefully we will get some reasonable quotes back soon, and our architect is going to be applying for planning permission shortly so fingers crossed that goes through.

My SO and I had a bit of an argument last night about the accountability software I have on my phone (hoverwatch) as it seems to stop working randomly, and as a result, I have to log into it to start it up (which isn't ideal), but even then, it doesn't always seem to work.

I know I have not given enough reason for her to trust me about this, especially considering recent problems, so it is completely reasonable for her to think that I might be sabotaging it so I could PM without being found out.

I also know that I don't want to throw this away, and I definitely don't want to slip back down that path. I just need to work on rebuilding the trust between us, and rebuild our relationship.

Having so much positivity at the moment does make it easier to deal with these things, and we have a lot of positive things coming up. I also think that starting to meditate again is helping.

 

Day 151.

Feeling pretty good today, we are applying for planning permission today and we are starting to get quotes now.

I have to say that I'm excited about starting work on the house. But first things first, we need to get permission.

Also, thanks to @Kenzi and @Freddiefox for suggesting ever accountable. We have just installed it and are trialling it, and just having it on my phone makes me feel a little better.

I have been doing pretty well at sticking to my list and I've been keeping my recovery at the forefront of my mind to motivate me in avoiding ogling, and keeping on track.

 

Day 152.

Yesterday, we had another argument, and it was brought up that I had been lying for just over a quarter of my "recovery" because of ogling, hence we have less trust than before.

I know I've messed things up really bad, yet again, I just need her to know that I want to be held accountable again.

So, I started to day off feeling pretty negative, but I think I have recovered my positivity as the day has gone on, and I think that meditation has helped to an extent.

All of our plans for the extension have been sent off, and we will give official notice to our neighbours that we have submitted plans for planning permission today.

 

Day 153.

@Kenzi, I am contributing and reading a lot more on this site, as well as keeping this journal. I also write a physical "thoughts" journal where I write things for my wife to read.

Aside from that, I also send her messages throughout the day (admittedly some days better than others, but much better recently) updating her on issues I've had, and I am also working out daily to try and give myself something to focus my energy on when she isn't around (and obviously it's making me feel physically better as well).

We obviously also have accountability software (although I know this isn't something I do, or a sacrifice I have to make, but it's something that I want to try and make her feel a little more comfortable).

I am more than open to suggestions from anybody as to ways I can improve myself in this area though.