Making the final commitment

Alright so this is it now. I've been tormenting myself with on-off NoFap attempts for probably the past 4 years, and now I'm just tired of getting stuck in endlessly repeating loops of 1. Feeling drained because I'm PMO'ing too much; 2. (Halfheartedly) committing to NoFap for a way too unspecified period of time; 3. Noticing I feel so much better while abstaining, that after 7-10 days I decide too treat good ol' me to a little fap, promising that I'll keep the fapping to 2 or 3 times a month at maximum; 4. Obviously failing to keep to such a specific interval, given the non-disciplined nature of my brain, and falling in to grand relapses; 5. Having to pick myself up out of these valleys of shame and into another NoFap streak.

It's like after 10 days abstaining my obviously still addicted brain plays tricks on me to make me forget how shitty constant PMO'ing made me feel, and convinces me that 'ah you're alright now, you can manage to fap now once, and then continue living the NoFap life' which never turns out to be true and as such leads to repeated self-disappointment, which I don't need.

But let me take a step back first. I'm certainly not at the worst point of my fapping career now at age 21, as I was from 14-19. During this 5-year period masturbation was certainly compulsive, 3-4 times per day minimum, usually accompanied by porn which was over time becoming gradually more distatefull genre-wise. If I wasn't at home public toilets and other more exhibitionist places were no problem for me. Worse yet, the thrill-seeking dopamine fiend in me soon began to prefer these (semi-)public (P)MO's.

Then, from age 17, I was prescribed ADD medication (dexamphetamine). I never took dex regularly as prescribed because I heavily disliked the change of emotional state (becoming robotic, lifeless, easily angred and just generally dissatisfied) it caused. However I can in no way deny the miraculous effects it had on my wretched ability to focus, concentrate and be productive. Therefore, when I did take the medication, it was usually before exam periods, to make up for the rest of the year when my ADD-brain was incapable (partly because of laziness which even at the time I suspected to be a direct result of my fapping habits) of doing fuck-all. During these exam periods of around 2-weeks I put my mind and body through some grueling periods of minimal sleep, terrible diet, no excercise, no sunlight, no social interactions and just hitting the books like a fucking learning machine. The dex dosages I was taking were WAY above any prescribed daily amount, and would rival the upper limits of recreational speed-dosages, except I wasn't exactly participating in recreational activities. For the most part. Because when I discovered what happened when one ignores the initial limp-dick reaction when on these tremendous amounts of dopamine-releasing drugs, I was done for. At the worst, we're talking 3-4 hours fapping sessions, having watched little pieces of hundreds of different porn clips during these times. All rationality is gone during such a session. You can acknowledge that what you're doing is ridiculous and you a should get back to studying, but the dopamine monster inside of you just takes over all control and gives a big fuck you to all self-conserving aspects of the brain. I'd be hard pressed to describe the feelings of ecstacy produced by such a combination of high-dosage dopamine-enhancing drugs and hours-long fapping. Needless to say, the absolute feeling of emptiness and mental drainage was devastating. The rest of the days and nights were deep black holes of depression, that would usually end in more fapping to stave off the bad feelings. Friends and family began to seriously worry about me during these periods.

Luckily I have always been able to rely on a sort of deepseated self-regulating mechanism that always acknowledges when I have taken it too far for too long, so after two to three weeks of living like the above-mentioned wretch, I always had some profound realisation that I should kick myself in the ass and get my shit together. This was always a tiring proces and good times came back eventually. But just, after having had more of these cycles than I can count I at one point realised I had become stuck in a long-term selfmade cycle of bipolarity; some periods of extreme lows, and others of extreme highs. Basically, I was strongly exacerbating my ADD-related proneness to instable emotional states with my drug and porn habits when what I needed in this teenage period were habits that promoted stability and a sense of serenity to counter my anxiety. When I'm in a good place and a good state, I am extremely happy, social, undertaking and to be around. When in a shit state, I'm tired, anxious, anhedonic, pessemistic about myself and life; just really fucking grim in general. I've come to realise that the frequency and duration of these good and bad periods are almost completely under my own control, by in the first place managing my habits. So that's what I've come to this forum for. I need the tools to help me manage abstaining, in the form of daily journaling and accountability. For me NoFap is just one aspect of the great path of self-improvement on which I find myself, but nonetheless its an essential one, one that needs to be mastered in the beginning, before I can tackle larger challenges of self-discipline. So here we go!