Trying to fill the gap

Hi,
this is kinda my story...... idk how to word it but here goes....
In 2016 i played american football (some people know it as soccer) and i played on an all guys team. Well i bonded really close to this one guy and he became my best friend and protector on the field. We went to the same school and say each other all the time, near the end of the season i finally got him to ask me out on the night of our biggest win of the whole football season. it was a win win situation that night for the both of us.
We were a really happy couple, he bought me presents, let me sleep on his lap during the lunch breaks at school, he let me eat his food lol. He was perfect, and he still is perfect.
We broke up at 1year and 2 months and 3 days (lol i know thats specific)
He ended the relationship because he was going into highschool, and he had a job, and i was to much of a burden in his life.
He had become my life support, i was very deep in my depression and i needed him. I dragged him down with me and made up lies, saying i was pregnant and saying that im gonna kill myself tonight. Just crazy stuff like that.
I made up as many excuses as i could to try and get him to stay.
He waited over a month to tell me that he was thinking about ending it with me. He didnt even tell me to my face, our breakup was over text. I texted him viciously for the next 4 months, saying mean things, making him feel as horrible as i could because im selfish and i didnt want him to be happy if i couldnt be happy.
I loved that boy with all im worth. He was the only good thing in my life and i ruined it because im a selfish b*tch with 3 addictions; love addiction, attention addiction, and a sex addiction.
Its been over 8 months and hes still all i can think about, hes still the guys of my dreams, hes still who i describe when i think about the perfect guy.
I cant get over him, i still love him, and i miss him.

My sex addiction got worse after i became single, i used every guy i could, hurting them and my friends to make myself feel better. I sexted non stop, i got all my devices and my life taken away. I was locked in a hospital for a week in the mental ward because i started cutting, my depression had finally taken everything. I didnt want to live, i didnt want to see his face ever again.

I still have those moments where i miss him so much i can barely breathe, i still have those moments where id rather die than see his face when i go into highschool.

I dont want to be alone anymore, i want to love and be loved, i want to have friends again, i want to have a stable life again, i dont want to circle the drain.