Hurt by bf's PA, again

I'm new to this website, new to forums and new to confronting this problem openly and in writting. I have been suffering from depression and anxiety ever since the first time my bf tried cheating on me 4 years ago by bringing a prostitute into our apartment - he said he couldn't go through with it and only talked with her about our relationship problems after an unappetizing strip dance. After this event we broke up but got back together, and I became obsessive about snooping on the computer and his phone to try to catch him cheating. This is how i discovered his PA that he eventually admitted to. He went to therapy very briefly. That is when I started to see the uglyness of the porn world, having never realized what his psyche looked like beneath the mask he wears of the super nice, friendly, funny and overly generous albeit kinda anxious guy that everyone knows him as. As I used to know him as, that's who I fell in love with.

Though I've known and learned that he's had a very difficult childhood (racism, violence from his alcoholic father, sexual abuse from a stranger, gang violence he was forced into by his older brothers, anxiety, depression, social anxiety and a suicide attempt).

Almost 12 months and 2 breakups later, resulting from betrayal in the form of this extreme PA of seking prostitutes online and almost engaging, finding his ashleymadison account as well as leading a woman he worked with (a client no less) on that he didn't actually like only to find himself a quick rebound, we got back together in 2015, as I felt that he had talked openly with me about all these issues and was making real measurable efforts to rebuilt my trust. I had started psychotherapy and took meds to help quell my anxiety and depression. Everything turned up roses - trust was rebuilt and our love flourished for a year and a half.

2017 was a challenging year in our lives, I had to resign from a very demanding job and his mom was going through intensive breast cancer treatment. I don't snoop anymore, I hate how addictive that was for me, it was very hard to stop, but I realized this relationship wont work like that and my wellbeing was very bad at that time. I try to trust him 100% and if I don't trust him I tell him the issue. He gets upset and feels ashamed anytime I express doubt about his fidelity or intentions, he doesn't act as receptive anymore, makes me feel like my doubts are ridiculous. He's almost always defensive and angry with issues of trust I bring up. So i just have to let it go or make a big fuss about it.

Something has been off this year, we have been fighting almost every weekend and I've been having emotional outbursts. We are at our 7yr mark, including all the shortlived breakups, we've known each other for 13 years. We've talked about getting married and settling down, and that's what I've been holding out for, that's the end goal for me. He has said it's what he wants too, but with last year's hiccups, I knew it wasn't coming anytime soon.

I should also mention that we have also been using cocaine for 3 years now, once or twice a month on weekends. It helped us talk about these issues easier at first, but now it's a shitty experience for me and I'm almost 2 months clean. I've been asking him that we both stop using it for over a year, but he doesn't see it as a problem. Just as he doesn't see binge eating fast food, drinking too much alcohol or PA as a problem. It's always for the same reason, or excuse: STRESS.

The porn he has been telling me that he hasn't been watching lately, and usually I can tell because the sex is always better. But i came home from work yesterday after a particularly bad start to the week, for both of us really, and while he tried logging off the computer, that window that asks about force shutting down programs was up and I noticed some incognito browsers. I was about to work on my resume, i wasn't trying to snoop, so i canceled his log off and lo and behold multiple VR porn tabs open along with some downloads. I confronted him and I blew up on him, started cursing him out and told him that i hate him repeatedly, right after i threw a glass at the sink in anger of his unwillingness to be honest with me. He said he's been stressed because of work, some issues he has been telling me about, he also admitted to watching porn yesterday and he did turn me down sexually due to it.

I'm completely distraught and upset, I had to take a sick day because I've been crying all night and fighting with him, and he has apologized adnosium expecting me to be fine about it. He said he knows it was wrong, and he's sorry and he'll never watch porn again. He looked into the addiction part and agrees it's bad, but i just can't believe him, i can't even look at him or talk to him. I don't really know what to do and how to go back to functioning and focusing on my own wellbeing. I've been going to therapy again since April because we have been fighting a lot this year and I've been prone to very emotional and charged outbursts. It helped a lot, our fighting lessened in quantity and intensity, but now, again I feel hurt and I don't know what to do about our relationship.

We got in a big fight about cocaine a few weeks ago, and at that point I started to feel like maybe this isn't going to work. More and more I feel like we should not get married and settle down, even though it's what I've been wanting all this time. I don't know how to handle this, and I don't want to undo the little progress that I've made with my own mental health. This kind of shit has so much potential to unravel me all over again, i'm trying not to let it. Any kind words or guidance may help, but it will probably just make me cry more because I feel so alone with all of this and struggle to reach out to people. Sorry for the ridiculously long post, thank you for reading it!

 

Hi Leijon,

Thank you for your advice, it is much appreciated. I have started to feel that way this year, and because we are not married I feel that it would be my chance to start over. For now though, I am relieved this happened and that it burst my married fantasy bubble, that I was hanging everything on blindly and that I was building a ton of resentment toward him and toward life because it hasn't happened yet. I am 29, so I've been watching a lot of people and friends get married in the last 2 years, have attended weddings, one of my friends even had a baby and I think it has started to affect how I see where I should be in my life now. I've known I shouldn't compare my life to others, but it's so damn hard! I also come from a divorced family, due to infidelity and other issues, when I was 8 I had to pick a parent. They both traveled internationally to find work to support my older brother and I and for 2-3 years we've had multiple members of our extended family take care of us until we came to the US to live with my mom. I know that I have been seeking a security and I never really had with relationships, I'm a serial monogamist, I've had 2 long-term relationships since I was 15, each one being 7 years long. When I broke up with my hs sweetheart, I very soon after started seeing my current SO. Obviously, there are many red-flags and very serious things that have happened with us that I cannot ignore, and I am finally at a place where I can face things now to help me get to a healthier place in my health and life. My well-being is my first focus now and I feel that I can do this. I am here to build a support network to help me in these times of trouble. Unloading this story helped me feel so much lighter and the fact that you and others have taken the time to read it all of it and reach out means so much - it really helps make the pain so much lighter. I am grateful, thank you! I am sorry to hear about your struggle, I do believe you are a strong person to go through it.

 

Hi Numb,

Thank you for your feedback, I appreciate you sharing your experience with me. It resonates a lot. I believe real addiction happens when a person is using whatever they are using to cover up something else - usually it is some sort of deep and powerful pain. For me it was grief that lead me to start doing blow. I believe it is psychological first, but of course there are exceptions, I am not an expert. I have drank alcohol & smoked cigarettes since I was 14. Smoked weed for the first time at 15-16. Experimented with painkillers at 23. Experimented with cough medicine (only once) at 25. Started doing blow at 26. Tried E at 29, about 3-4 times now. I don't believe I am an addict of any of these, as I do not seek them out anymore. But I know they can re-emerge at any time. Cigarettes have been hard in the last year, but that's because I used them during stress and when I do coke. I am over 2 months clean of ciggs and coke with minimal cravings. I have cut down greatly on my alcohol intake. And because blow really stopped being enjoyable for me, and the comedown on E is even worse, not to mention that I found out it can be mixed with meth and heroin, I am not at all interested in doing them again. We have been using to quell boredom and tension we have been feeling in our lives. Also, his older brother is the one who introduced it to him as a weekend drug, as he still does it. I believe his brother is addicted, because he is lonely. And unfortunately having it around is what makes it harder to deny, which is why I have asked my SO to stop taking the little extra gifts his brother kept giving him. They would do the pick-up together and because my SO wanted his brother to do less blow he would take it from him, and then we would do it. One time this year I had him flush it. Last time they both came over and did it, I ignored them and tried to sleep - didn't touch it. He knows now that it is an addiction and I hope he follows through in my steps, and maybe at some point his brother can to. I know I have been lonely and using it to cover up the grief of loosing my grandfathers in the last 3 years, and due to the relationship issues we began having that I didn't know how to deal with. Through those issues I have learned about his childhood trauma, which he revealed to me on his own, after which he started uncontrollably sobbing. I have seen/heard him cry a total of 5 times in our relationship, in our 7 years together - he has a coping mechanism from his younger years of closing up and not allowing these emotions to take over, due to his adolescent suicide attempt - he is afraid he will not be able to control what the emotions will make him do. He has promised himself after recovering from that attempt, after seeing his family suffer, that he will do whatever it takes to give back to his family for all the trouble he believes he put them through when he was younger and suffering from anxiety and depression and abusing OTC drugs and alcohol to deal with the pain he was fostering. He was a kid, and he didn't have much support to deal with any of this or resources. He has seen psychotherapists in the 90s, which most people know was one of the worst times to see them, as all they would do is dispense drugs to kids like candy. So after using all sorts of anti-depressants that numbed his ability to be human, he eventually weened himself off, he worked on himself on his own and in my eyes he is very much my hero in this regard. He amazes and surprises me often with his ability to overcome adversity. I often forget the kind of trauma he carries around, and this is why I was so hurt now - I forgot that this is all in him in the last 2 years. I am his only support because I am the only person he has confided in about all these traumatic experiences. He said he will seek therapy in the coming weeks. He has expressed that with some of the research we did together on PA, he fully agrees that it is an addiction and that he is planning to stop. I suggested he make an account here and he said he will, if not at the very least he will read other people's stories. He usually just needs a push to do these things, as they are difficult for him to face and initiate. He is used to distracting himself in a myriad of ways from uncomfortable emotions because that was the only tactic that worked when he was younger. I realized after I had berated him for 2 days about how I want him to make these changes, that considering the kind of trauma he has been holding on to, it is not fair for me to expect it to be easy as pie for him to just up and go talk to a stranger and be fine about facing these traumas. He believes facing the traumas will break him. It was difficult for me to seek help this year from a therapist, to feel that vulnerable and honest about my own issues, and I probably have 2-3 less trauma points on the Ace Test than he does. I feel relieved now that this happened and that I was able to uncover the real reason I have been feeling like I can't trust him this year. I am grateful because I am seeking help and support and that it is there for me in many forms. I want him to feel that and become the better person I know he already is, but I know it is not up to me. I truly hope this experience helps move things in that direction, but I will still put myself and my needs first from here on out. I still love him deeply, and despite being hurt, knowing all that I know about his struggle, I would not be able to just leave him yet. Especially since he is expressing openly that he is seeing these issues and he wants to change. I love my SO a great deal, and while I am not turning a blind eye to any of these issues any longer, this is only one side of the story, and I was operating from a hurt place when I wrote it - the point was to unload all this hurt. But he is a good person deep down, I believe burdened by deep seated trauma, he does admit to me that he wants to change and that he is aware he has problems expressing strong emotions and acknowledging these things is hard for him. Thank you for your support and I really hope that your situation improves as well! You are clearly very strong and compassionate toward your partner, he is lucky to have you by his side. Like you said we have to take care of ourselves first, we cannot take care of others without first taking care of ourselves. I am finally able to see and do that. I wish you all the best in this journey!

 

Hi AnonymousAnnaXOXO,

Thank you for taking the time to read and give me your feedback, and resources. I will explore them. I am grateful for all the support that exists here. The reason why this has been such a burden for so long, is because I didn't realize how much help there is out there, if I am willing to seek it. Now that I have, I feel so much lighter than before, and not only that, I am humbled by people's honesty and ability to be vulnerable here. Thank you!

 

Unfortunately for over a year that is how I coped with this, and it wasn't easy, made me fall into depression and I felt really alone. I kept it a secret because the are not many ppl I can confide in about these issues, my best friend and my bf and his brother were the only ones, until I started therapy. Thank you for the feedback about the support groups, I will certainly explore those options. I'm currently reading a book about recovery and a friend of mine also recently mentioned she has been going to Alanon meetings and she said they helped her a lot. It feels so much better to know I have these options now. Thank you for the support!

 

You said it, "take a vacation from these thoughts and the situation." My therapist tells me all the time about not indulging every thought and capping the obsessive need for reassurance. She coined me as a 'reassurance junkie' which is funny to me because it's true, and then can be very depressing. But I'm learning not to get attached to labels and ideas negatively, more so to bring awareness to the problems and own up and decide to take action to move in a progressive direction, as opposed to mope and dwell and not move at all. It's hard to take a 'break' from these thoughts and feelings when we are still trying to be in a relationship with the person that exhibits these behaviours. It becomes dysfunctional if you 1) deal with the problems the way we have, by ignoring them and doing coke or 2) do not have the coping or communication skills to move through the issues in a healthy manner, eapecially when and if codependance and past-trauma might be involved. The trick is not to expect perfection. We have been going to couples counseling and it has been helping us deal with issues head on and with less emotional boiling over, so to speak. I hope you find a way to take a vacation from this stuff and find some awesome things to focus on that will bring you joy! Thanks for reading!

 

That's exactly the thought I kept having during the drug binges, and once and for all I decided to change it and stop feeling depressed about all the things I wasn't doing. "This is not the life I want to be living." For a long time this realization brought me shame and guilt and self-hate because I blamed myself for my actions, which made things harder to see clearly, I felt trapped in a cycle of self-destruction and hopefulness that change will come eventually. Only recently have I been able to shake that heavy burden off and take action that doesn't mean I will be perfect, but that I will try to make progress everyday, however little the progress might be. I have been feeling better, I get a few bouts of paranoia/anxiety and depression/sadness every now and then, but the couple's counseling has really helped my partner respond better when I might get too carried away. He has been more attentative and kind, more responsive with apologizing genuinely if I express that I am hurt. Which in turn has made me more receptive to his feedback, so now things dont get to the overwhelming point, because we nip them in the bud before, in a validating manner. It has made me feel grateful honestly, and much more forgiving to his faults. I also feel that I can't blame him for ALL of my insecurities, only the ones partaining to trust, because I also realize he didn't mean to hurt me with these addictions. The fact that he has been more open about the issues and taking steps to progress has made a big difference for us and I hope it continues. I have moments of doubt and wonder if he's watched anything, I check in with him about it and so far I believe he has been honest. Exercise is great, we have been working out and biking together I miss jogging, that used to help quell my feelings. Hope all the best for you and this journey of self-love and improvement.

 

Thanks for the virtual hug, kinda need it today. Funny how when we think things are set on a smooth path things still can get shaken up. We had a non-PA related argument that neither one of us handled well, with my reassurance junkie meter going through the roof because I was trying to book our first international vacation and didn't really know how to ask him to help me, so I dismissed him but I eneded up feeling very anxious and frustruated and nothing got accomplished except a big fight. However it did really show me how the reasurance junkie part if me is holding me back with all its doubts and insecurities, and how it feeds my codependance, and i'm just feeling down about it all today. Basically, we are always works in progress and uncertainty is just as much a part of life as the air we breathe,...i just wish I could function like a normal human being, I resent that I continue to make my own life so difficult...hope you are having better day!