Hard mode while married

@cakeinacrisis great topic. I don't know how far along you are in your healing or he in his recovery. But I will say NoSeX was one of the greatest self disciplines I ever did. I am just coming off a no sex fast.

My BG. I'm a PA of 23 years. I am married for 18 of those. My most recent DDay was 360 days ago. We both see therapists, attend groups, etc. Like your husband, I too am working very hard on my recovery.

I joined here 260 days ago. I signed up for No Porn or Masturbation. I used to say I have to still allow Orgasm because I am married and it wouldn't be fair to her if we didn't have intimacy. (Clarification, while sex is intimate, it certainly isn't a measure of intimacy, I had to learn that!) And so for 230 days I maintained no PM, with occasionally the O.

Then something happened last month. I saw a video clip, broke a boundary and suffered the consequences. I thought I was doing so good. But why did I relaspe? What was wrong with me? My wife was again retraumatized and then separated. With this new 'sex off the table' situation I wanted to see for myself if in fact my mind was in control or was lust and broken receptors to blame. So I started a sex fast.

The terms of the fast were that; I didn't propose, request, trick, seduce, talk vulgarly, be provacative, entice, demand, complain, expect, act wantonly, or manipulate our sexual relationship for a given time. I told her ALL sex is off the table from me. I wanted to, for the first time in our marriage, give her guilt-free control to experience her pressureless sexual clarity without the influence of my perversion.

It did great things for our marriage.

After 20yrs together it was the first time I was intimate with my wife where I wasn't fulfilling my own desires.

During my NoSeX she still orgasmed. We still touched and bonded. But my clothes stayed on and I never did. I felt more in control than ever before. And she felt more free of experiencing her own sexuality free of my perversion for the first time ever. It was wonderful. Difficult at first, but worthwhile in the end.

So my recommendation is He must abstain. You do what you will with your husband. Find ways to be intimate, and be fulfilled, without always an orgasm.

You deserve clarity and safety. He deserves an honest reboot. I wish you both the best best of luck. I am sorry you are going through this at all really, but know there is hope and healing.

 

after Dday and following a read, I considered hard mode as a possibility. I talked to my wife and she reacted along the same lines. We decided against.

 

I'm an SO, my BF is now about 9ish months clean but we have decided again to try a 30 day hard mode. We've always failed in the past. He always says he will do things for me, but if he is holding off I can wait too. To me trying to fix our relationship is more important than having an O. And I am one who is always up for sex, I'd prefer it daily. The first few days is the hardest, but it gets easier. You just need to do what works for you and your relationship.

 

While the theory of the reset seemed appropriate for me, it would also reinforce the idea that my wife is/was part of the problem which was never the case. I didn’t pmo because I didn’t love my wife or found porn better. My wife is kind, responsible and very attractive, she didn’t do anything wrong, ever. I pmoed because I was hooked on dopamine and lust. Porn made me lazy, depressed and lacking of any sense of responsibilty on many levels. Feeling depressed triggered all kind of self induced bad vibes and porn was my medication. Addiction is a disease that thrive viciously in spiral. I can rationalize and put the blame on my childhood or previous trauma but the truth is that I forfeited my dignity and ended up wanting to live in a world of fantasy that drove me each time deeper into addiction. So this my problem and abstaining from intimacy would not only punish her but in our opinion it would promote more resentment and distance ourselves further more.

Now everybody is different and has different beliefs, HM reboot might be adequate for some but after 5 months of sobriety, I’m glad we didn’t go that route, not feeling rejected is one of the pilar of any relationship and it defintely helps to reshape my perception of sex.

I aslo believe that an addicted mind isn’t qualified to take decisions of such impact. The best is to proceed with caution and slowly. Once gravitating away from addiction, things look very different.

There’s much more to consider and an honest conversation with your husband only will shed some light on what’s best for you both.

 

We didn't start out hard mode but after numerous boundaries breaks we gave it a try.
It was just what he needed to get on track.
Unfortunately.
Maybe.... Consider it in the reserve pile if you don't start there, don't be afraid to later on? As it is a great, strategy and tool for reboot.
Best of luck
Kenzi

 

maybe it will help if you saw it as another addiction.
if he was addicted to alcohol and his sponsor told no alcohol for 30days. you wouldn't hesitate to support him with that i suppose?
i know it's not the same but you can see what i mean.
When i announced to my wife i wanted 90days hardmode she just rolled with it. but on the other hand my wife has clearly other needs.
no sexual behaviours does me a great deal of good. i can only recommend.

anyways, perusing these forums i came to learn some women actually want or need to have sex. What a strange concept.