Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

About which part?

 

Yea LOL no kidding, the look on my face was priceless. I mentioned the site, he has never heard of it though.

 

I understand what you mean but I did make myself clear to him, that if I am with someone, I don't step out - ever, no matter how bad it got between my husband and I over the years. Plus, I am not putting myself into one on one 'environments' with him, to give him any unnecessary idea's either.

For me, personally if I am with someone, that's it - I am with them. If I start getting any sort of feelings towards wanting to be with someone else, that means the current relationship isn't working and I need to move on. So then, and only then (if I am single) would I even let myself go there (mentally/emotionally/physically).

 

DAY 207:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels

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Last night we didn't really talk too much. We watched the video "Betrayal Trauma and Addiction Recovery: Addicted and in Denial" which we couldn't do two nights ago, because he got drunk, so we did that last night, as he gave me a nice foot rub. He paused throughout the video so we could discuss various points and how he could relate and how much different forms of denial he has used through the years. We seem to be a little better, I guess it is because overall we are communicating, I am verbalizing what my problem is and he is taking it in and we are discussing it, as opposed to me rolling my eyes, him asking "what's wrong", I say "nothing", he brushes it off and we ignore each other, while I just fester lol.

This Wade had to work, my parents took my older daughter to the City, as well as my younger one to drop her off at daycare and I went to have my walk. The gamer guy joined me, we ended up talking for a few hours, it funny how when you are chatting it up, you don't realize how much you are walking. My feet are in so much pain right now, but I'm getting a lot of mileage in LOL which is good for my exercise. We talked about a whole range of topics, I really wanted to dig a little deeper into his PA and how that all began, and if it had any effect on why he was in the middle of a divorce (whether he thought so or not). Then we talked about me, my issues/pain, struggle with my self-esteem and what I have been doing to try and make myself feel better. Relationship issues talked about some of the video recommendations I had for him, he was excited and asked me to send them on over. He actually wants to try and forward a few to his soon to be ex-wife, but if she will give them a look, sure why not, it is not like he has much else to lose.

Then I watched a few more videos on self-care, tools for my own healing and then I rewatched "Betrayal Trauma Recovery: Dating Before and After an Ended Marriage" and I found a particular part interesting around 18:09, where they talk about how sometimes it's better to already be in a relationship with someone in active recovery, then to start fresh with someone with an unknown history where lies and deceit can be uncovered at any moment and the cycle could start all over again, just with someone new. That is actually one of my biggest fears with starting fresh, it's an interesting little tidbit to think about, of course, there is no guarantee that the recovering addict won't just go back to lying again either, so technically, it's really all the same type of risk at the end of the day.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Walked a lot today, talked to an "outsider/friend" about my problems, last few days this has been a first for me.

Betrayal Trauma Recovery: Dating Before and After an Ended Marriage

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DAY 208:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels

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Last night our talk didn't last too long, we both had a pretty long day, we were exhausted. We changed cell phone carriers and it took forever at the store, then back at home, I had to set up the account, online stuff, everyone's phones and then my own. We spoke a little, I asked him if he recalled any of the conversations we had when he was wasted and he said "a little but not much", I wondered if he really understood the difference/point of what I was actually upset about and why the situation blew up the way that it did. He said vaguely but didn't remember what I was referring to, so I reiterated it again: I wasn't upset that he didn't give me a kiss goodbye, the fact that he normally does, but didn't this time made me wonder if he was running late for work, so I was just curious if he was late/got in trouble etc., but when he began responding with 25 different reasons and excuses, I was taken back a bit, because that was exactly how he would respond pre-recovery (when he would be caught doing something wrong), instead of just giving me ONE truthful response, he would keep throwing shit at me, until something sticks and that was what triggered me/pissed me off. So, it wasn't his action of missing the kiss goodbye, because 1) shit happens and even if he just forgot, who cares? we're human or 2) he was afraid of waking me up -- ONE reason and PERIOD, would have ended that entire conversation in serenity and peace. He decided to literally spit out 25 different reasons as if I was interrogating him because he did something from the time he woke up until he left, assumes I might know something and he's trying to razzle dazzle me, so he wouldn't get caught? that's the behavior that I have a huge problem with. He does that often and there have been numerous times I've pointed this out to him, in the past this was his default reaction for all of his PM/lies/schemes or any other bullshit he needed to get out of. I explained a few other points as well and he told me all of this is so difficult for him, I said it isn't easy for me either. Easy for me would be to NOT tell him what I'm pissed at him about and just have him guess - and if he can't guess, just tell him "oh well, then I guess it doesn't matter to you if you can't figure it out, now does it?!" then turn around and walk away, never dealing with the issue, as it stays inside of me, like a poison. He said he is happy that he has me to call him out on his actions because it helps him change, but I told him, he needs to quit fighting with me on it, it's hard enough coming out and telling him/confronting him on these things but when he reacts to it with his defensiveness, denials, excuses frustrate/trigger me/remind me of the past. He said he will try to do better but still appreciates my candor. It does not come easy for me at all, I'm trying to do better myself, it takes so much out of me to force myself to go against all of my instincts to tell him if he is doing something that bothers me, so we can talk about it and come to a solution... Afterward, he again expressed how he enjoys that these days we can talk like this - about all of this, unlike before, that no matter how bad it gets, how frustrated we feel, we can find a way to communicate, even if it took us a little longer this time (prob because he was drunk the night he planned on defusing the situation) but it is true, in the past, I wouldn't have brought anything up, even if I was pissed off, I would have just bottled it up, it would fester and continue to build up and well my resentment towards him would continue to pull us further apart, as it was doing over the years.

Today I walked alone, I was able to turn on my upbeat music and decompress a little. I had a really rough night, sleep-wise, my right leg was acting up again and not allowing me to fall asleep for about 2-3 hours. I had a lot of thoughts as I walked, they were coming in quite randomly. How this whole week left me with a pretty bad feeling I guess... maybe not "bad" but it left me more scared, then at any other point in this recovery process, so far. Maybe because it was so much "old behaviors" back to back, but it reminded me, why my fears are legit, they are real and this is proof that they can all come to pass, with a snap of a finger. Then on the flip side of that, how being able to actually communicate, how much quicker we are able to resolve stuff, which is something that we never even had on the table before. This whole situation is so confusing and weird lol. How something as simple a being honest and vulnerable, has led us to so many discoveries about ourselves and each other, we never thought possible and without these talks, I don't think we'd ever even come to these conclusions.

Then when he got back from work, we took the girls to the playground. While we were there we talked a little bit about his day. He said he found some time to listen to some of the YouTube and he watched to talked about them tonight. He did mention a few points while we were sitting there, but then one of our daughters friends from school stopped by, so we had to end the conversation. We'll watch some stuff and pick it up tonight.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
No triggers today, didn't let anyone ruin my day.

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DAY 209:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels

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Last night we watched "Betrayal Trauma and Addiction Recovery: BETRAYED and in Denial (part 2)". We didn't talk too much, generally speaking, instead he paused the video at certain points and we discussed them and how they relate to us, especially how much of her "the betrayed's" denials and outlets sounded almost exactly like mine, it's kind of crazy how we are all so different, but with this situation, all still very much the same. He also gave me a freaking awesome foot rub, omg it felt so good, I felt tingling in my brain LOL! and other... well, anyways, umm... he also told me he had an "aha moment" while writing his own journal yesterday, in regards to connecting the dots between his sometimes uncalled for " extreme" reactions to innocent questions I give him. He thinks it stems from his learned/acquired behavior as a married addict, who got used to needing/having to always be ready to react/come up with as many as excuses, justifications, alibis, stories or whatever to cover for his constant lying, hiding and living in fear of getting caught or to avoid getting in trouble (his co-dependency issue). Pretty much, he's automatically assuming if I'm asking him something, anything, I'm doing it because he is guilty of something that will upset me, when these days that is not the case at all, in fact, the problems come more from his reaction, rather than the initial incident(s). I am trying to be understanding and even forcing myself to verbalize my issues with him, to him and even explain the reasoning behind my questions, my train of thought, so he has a clearer understanding - where I am coming from, that my questions aren't coming from a place of interrogation, but just innocent curiosity. Which again, is so difficult for me, because it goes against my own nature, but I am pushing myself to get past it, in order to help him. However, the issue is, this particular reaction, when he overdoes it, along with other bad behaviors back to back, gets me triggered into fear of pre-recovery him 'reappearing', which causes me to want to pull back, and it's not a controllable reaction on my end either, it's an auto response/self-defense or preservation of sorts, because in all honesty, I can't tell whether he is reverting back or this is a learning curve.

Today I walked on my own again, he called me this morning and we spoke for almost an hour as I walked, not about anything recovery related, but he kept repeating that he wanted a coffee A LOT lol. After we hung up I did my 30 minute -tune out the world, walk to upbeat jams- portion of my walk (self-care). Ironically, just as I was finishing my 3rd round, a "threat" popped up, one of his primes for sure. I was expecting my body to get overwhelmed and get rushed over with a trigger, like before but as it has in the past week, nothing... just a sense of annoyance... sadness, frustration maybe? because I began thinking that - I don't know why he's wasting his time and mine, in a sense - because I know what he wants, he knows what he wants, we both know what/who he wants... physically and well, another one of my fears is - that THIS will remain an unresolved issue for him because he wants to stay with me for the connection/intimacy, but maybe I'm really not his type, and deep down he will always be drawn to them and that could cause a relapse further down the road, so should we be wasting each other's time? like, I'm at a point where I wouldn't even be mad about it anymore, if he would come to the conclusion that I can not meet his needs, I just want it to be figured out asap, so we don't waste each others time and go be with people who we want to be with/want to be with us. Because, even today, as I walked, I noticed a lot of guys ogling me again, so as much as that shit annoys me, I'm sure I would be somebody's prime. Even being able to have that last train of thought is something new for me, with my horrible self-esteem issues, it's taken me a lot of work to even believe anyone else would want me at all, after the wringer it's [self-esteem] been put through, these self-care techniques/motivational videos really do help.

After I got home, he called me and told me some really huge news. He said one of the guys from the employee assistance helpline was there in person (at work) asking if anyone needed someone to talk to, they were always available etc and he actually had the courage to come up to the guy and admit his PA problem, as difficult as it was - he actually gathered the strength and asked if there was anything they can do to help him, the guy gave him some contact infomation and told him to reach out to set something up. I am so proud of him, this was a scary but huge step, believe me -- I know first hand, I had my first "coming out in real life" experience last week and it wasn't easy. He called me a few times today, more than usual, a lot of messages on FB too - it was cute, I love hearing from him throughout the day randomly, I'm still not used to it though, seems so out of character.

Then another thing that took me a bit by surprise... he said he's been watching some Jay Shetty videos on Facebook, which isn't really the part that surprised me. He said one video in particular actually got him teary-eyed, emotional and it reminded him, of me, so he shared it to my wall. 1) He never used to really interpret the meanings of videos (just as he didn't songs) before, he would just watch them on their face and thats-that. 2) He would never look for or associate what he was watching with me, us, himself - well, at least he never shared those viewpoints with me, if he did, it was all whatever is on the surface, never looking for the deeper meaning. With this recovery, the more vulnerable he has allowed himself to become, the more open he is becoming emotionally... and the more aware he is when he is watching or listening to something, he pays attention to details that he has never bothered caring about before and has started connecting dots (and enjoying doing it and discussing it too!) just like I always have and I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE this, so much. It just seems so unreal LOL, weird and I'm not used to it, at all. Anyway, the video that got to him was "People Come Into Our Life for 3 Reasons by Jay Shetty" because it reminded him of me, because I give people all of my love and end up getting minimal to nothing back and in the comment of his post, he added "I want to be that person for you now". It was so sweet.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I saw one of his primes today, but I didn't get triggered (internal panic attack) which hasn't happened all week, I did have some thoughts though - but I didn't let that ruin my walk.

People Come Into Our Life for 3 Reasons by Jay Shetty:

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=261911547767983

#Self-Care Looking for some way to make extra income:
12 Side Hustles You Can Do From Bed

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DAY 210:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels

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Last night we made a plan, "well since we talked so much throughout the day, we'll skip the talk tonight and plan our game"... well, we ended up not having time for the game, he watched a show with our 10-year-old and then we stepped out on to the balcony for a quick chat, because we wanted to get to bed early. We ended up talking for another hour lol, there goes that! we talked about how a lot of the recovery/healing work we've been doing is not only affecting our relationship and behavior towards each other but our personal well being and behavior towards others and the outside world overall. How even my own outlook and self-esteem has been changing, subtly of course, but small changes are still big in the long run, for instance, going from "even if I'm not who he wants and NO ONE ELSE will want me either" to "even if I'm not who he wants but I KNOW SOMEONE else will" is a drastic change in my mindset, from just one year ago. Also, how in the past, I would ruin my own mood just to make sure everyone else was happy, even if their whole intent was to be dramatic and start crap for attention, I would always be there to catch them when they fall. However, when I needed someone, I was always left standing bare ass naked and alone. These days, I just brush it off and do not let their issues control me or affect my mood. Things are changing, for the better - for me and I'm liking the changes, it feels good to finally be aware of all this.

Today I walked alone, he did call me again and we spoke for over an hour. Honestly, I don't think we've been on the phone for this long since we dated lol. We don't even talk about recovery stuff but just general topics, yet somehow we still find a way to fill the time, it's crazy and it has not been this way in over a decade for sure. It's weird, new, seems a bit surreal but I like it because it's the kind of 'thing' I expected out of a relationship... I guess it helps his day go faster and keeps us connected, even though we aren't physically together.

After I got home, I was beat, walked 5 miles in total and my feet were definitely feeling the burn lol. All I wanted to do was ... nothing lol but my parents where here and I had to spend a lot of time just listening to my dad, complaining about everything (literally), nonstop... as I told Wade, the more I work on myself (and my own issues) and try to be in an overall better mood, hearing constant complaining/negativity, it just brings me down and it sucks me in, as I'm trying to pull myself out.

When he finally got home, we decided to grab the little one and run an errand to the supermarket, we needed to pick up a few things, which as usual turned into a lot of things $$$. I needed to get out a little anyway, I have been so tired/sleepy all day, not sure why. There were a few 'threats', well one annoying one in particular, who seemed to pop up everywhere we'd go, I noticed he was having a difficult time controlling himself - although he claims he was 'fine'. I think sometimes he is downplaying a lot of his notices, for my sake, because he seems to tense up but I don't think, that he thinks I pick up on that. Anyway, she had the shape he enjoys ogling, but she was foogly in my opinion, but that never stopped him and sometimes his taste is just weird and I don't know what that says about me, sigh. I didn't get triggered (panicky) I think my mind/emotions are still in the pulled back state, just feels that way for some reason, not like it was even a few weeks ago - which is good in regard to the triggers, at least - but as I told him, not sure it spells good things for the relationship. Another thought that comes over me when these 'threats' are close is... I hate always feeling like I'm competing for his attention and no matter what he says, I know I constantly am and unfortunately always will be - because it's his impulse and nature, I know he has a difficult time -trying not to look- or he notices and has to quickly look away "or else" he might slip etc., but like, I don't know if dealing with that sort of feeling is sustainable for me if I want to actually be happy for once in a long-term relationship, which was what I set out as my goal, when I decided things would change for me, I deserve better and it will be different from now on. I just don't think this is something that is a reality or feasible with him, as I am never going to be "it" or "the only girl he see's in the room" - because that's just never been true for him and I don't think it can ever be, his eyes focus in on what he finds visually attractive, and usually -- 9 out of 10 times, it's another woman, a particular type at that, he can't help himself. The last few months have been a little better because he has been aware of his ogling and controlling it, but I know he is fighting not to look and that is still not the same as just not needing to look because he is happy with who he is with. The major difference for me is, these days is that I know I deserve to be happy and with someone who can focus on me and doesn't have the urge to look at anyone else/control himself to not look, because I am enough and the only one he see's, figuratively obviously. At the end of the day, I really just want to finally be in a happy place, romantically. It's time for me to be selfish for once, I want to know what it's like to be with someone who puts me first, who makes me a priority, who wants/desires me so much that I feel it down in my core and doesn't give me a reason to doubt it. I want to go out with that man and not have to feel like every other woman in the room is a potential 'threat' that I'm competing with all the damn time, for his 'undivided attention' because it is extremely mentally exhausting, painful, depressing and overwhelming. I want to finally know what it is like to be somebody's - everything.

I think tonight we are actually going to try playing our game a little bit and head to bed early (fingers crossed) this time.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Even though my feet were killing me, I made myself to do the fourth round.

#Motivation
RETRAIN YOUR MIND (End Laziness):


#Self-Care
5 Psychological Tricks To Help You Be Good With Money

1:02 ATM-stop daily to spend CASH more directly instead of swiping
2:31 free money directly into savings; 80-20 rule
4:35 specific dollar amount to save and a specific time to save
6:26 daily journaling habit
8:30 quit multitasking
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DAY 211:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels

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Since we spoke at various points throughout the day yesterday, we decided to skip our nightly talk last night so we could finally have a little time to play our game, we are so behind in it lol. It was fun, but as we predicted, even the time we allotted to it, was not enough to really "get into it" because we needed to head to bed soon thereafter, with his new temporary schedule - he has to get up really early and well, I have to wake up shortly after because the little one refuses to let me sleep in, ever.

As I started my walk, Wade called me and both of us complained of having a weird nagging feeling... he mentioned it first, only to discover I felt it too, we both felt like something was 'off' or 'missing', it was because we skipped/missed our talk last night. Even though we both mutually agreed to do so, and we did talk a lot during the day... I guess we got so used to talking, at around the same time, every night, it just felt like something was out of place. I told him, that for me, it gave me that weird sensation/gut feeling, sort of like - when I remember the next day, that I forgot to take the daily dose of my BC pill the night before. Anyway, we talked about a variety of things and then we got into some deeper topics. I started trying to explain to him, more of the deeper process of my fears/thoughts when it comes to my concerns and fears about staying with him vs not taking another risk and just moving on and trying to find someone who doesn't have a known history of constantly making me feel, like they want someone else. As I was trying to get my point across, which is difficult for me to do as it is... he just kept interrupting me, I let it slide a few times but then I finally just snapped, I cut the conversation off and pointed out "see, this is exactly what I am talking about, my fear of this behavior just never stopping, you're proving my point, right here" and then he apologized and pleaded for me to continue my point, but I said no and told him to just change the subject because I was done talking about that.

Went to the pool for a bit, enjoying the last days of summer while I can. For some reason the little one wanted to go home rather quickly, so I had to go with her, the older one stayed later with my parents. From the minute we got home... she was nonstop attitude, drama queenin' and just being a little diva, basically driving me freaking bananas. I was losing my freaking mind. He called me and we spoke a little about an article he read and then when he got home as we cooked dinner, he continued to talk about it. He said there was a part in there about fear and uncertainty, which is something that I have and plays a big part in my hesitation with deciding if staying in this marriage is the right choice for me, especially after I gave him an olive branch (more so, a test to see if this is what HE really wants) and he made a decision: he rejected me, the marriage - tossed it out with the trash, it wasn't as important to him as 'the other stuff' and it wasn't until I was completed depleted of all that was left of myself, emotionally... and finally gathered the courage to say to him, I was done - I was putting me first and I deserve to be happy, that he decided to suddenly start turning things around. So, it is not easy for me, none of this, yes I see the changes and I love them, but I don't know if they will last and neither does he. Like I told him when we are alone, it's like I'm on cloud 9, feels like the type of love you only can find in movies but unfortunately, we can't live out the rest of our lives at home... so, when I go out with him reality hits me in the face, with a fucking brick. Because I feel like I am constantly competing with every other woman in the vicinity and that gives me severe anxiety, kills my mood and makes me feel like shit - which is not what I want, not anymore. I don't feel like I can comfortably say "I know he thinks 'I fit the bill' when it comes to his prime type and he doesn't need or lust for anyone else" and I don't know if I will ever be able to, there's just too much history proving otherwise. I know he keeps telling me that he now see's me, just how he saw me when we began dating and the lust/infatuation is back and that I "fit into his prime" but I just don't feel that, dunno why it's just not there. This "leap of faith" or "chance" is probably the scariest decision weighing on me at this moment, it is basically me, having to decide whether or not I want to take a huge risk, on someone with a known, well-established history of constantly hurting me, lying to me, hiding things from me and deceiving me... and even cheating on me, and yeah it seems different for the last few months, but like I keep saying - that can change with a snap of a finger and that's the scary part of all this. I run the risk of losing something even more precious than my self-esteem/worth again, the risk is far greater, I will lose time and time I can never get back, that is the only certainty in these uncertain times for me. This grown-up decision making shit sucks.

On a positive/funny note, he said that he is liking this new temporary schedule because he enjoys coming home and me greeting him with a kiss he says I'm spoiling him and that when he goes back to his old schedule, he is going to miss it lol. I found that cute.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Even though I skipped my alone time because I ended up talking with Wade through my entire walk, I tried to get at least 20 minutes of me time in by watching a motivational while the little one was running amuck throughout the house, not ideal but I'll take what I can get.

#Motivation
5 Morning ROUTINES That Will TRANSFORM Your LIFE!

1. Stick with a routine
2. Get Rid of your phone from your bedroom
3. Get more sleep
4. Schedule everything
5. Win the morning, win the day!

#Self-Care
Proven Sleep Tips | How to Fall Asleep Faster

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DAY 212:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels

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This morning he called me as I walked and we spoke for over an hour again. He told me that he felt a void again because we did not talk again last night. He sat next to me for a few minutes last night before we went to play our game and I did ask him: "be honest, do you want to just go talk or would you rather play?" and he said we could play, so the choice was his, I just didn't want him feeling bad at work. Anyhow, he told me he watched a JK video about recovery counters/timers and how the pressure of having one for some in recovery, might actually have adverse effects. Say for instance you are 200 days into recovery and you slip up or relapse, the pressure of having to reset or seeing your number go from 200 back to 0 would make you feel so defeated, that you might just say "fuck it" and decide to go back to PA because you "failed". The concept is an interesting one, again to each his own, I happen to think a counter is a good motivator but I guess it also depends on other various situations for the PA - like his surroundings, if he is single or in a relationship, his support system, would his SO pressure him to reset his counter for an innocent accident vs intentional action, causing trauma, forced reset etc altogether - it's all situational in my opinion - interesting conversation nonetheless. Then we discussed my issue of losing time, which I can not get back, should he do - what he has always done to me (given his track record) and eventually go back to hurting me. He says that with the tools he has now, what he has been learning, us communicating - he feels more comfortable now, then he ever has that he can be honest with me, should anything occur. He knows that for me, honesty is more important than anything else, like a relapse because that's something we can work through together - but lies, we can't and I refuse to continue being the dummy who sticks around for those games. I guess I'm ust at a stage in life that I just don't have time to fuck around anymore, I want to be happy and not live in a constant state of fear, paranoia, and stress.

On the way back home, I decided to switch things up for my walk back home and try to unclutter the noise in my brain with some meditation music/sounds. At first, it actually stressed me out (ironically lol) because it was just weird, given the situation... walking, car and city background noise, people and well it's not such a relaxing scenario... then as I tried to become attune to the sound, I began to let go and I did feel a bit more at ease. It was a weird, yet calming feeling. Next time that I'm walking the trail with nature in the background, I will try this, instead of my upbeat jams - maybe that will be even better and more soothing. There is a horrible heat wave here and the humidity is off the charts, I felt so bad by the time I got home, good thing I had water on me. Took the girls out to the pool to cool down a bit, then go home and was still suffering from heat exhaustion. My head is pounding and I have huge ass blisters on my toes, damn this whole self-love, self-healing, self-care stuff is really taking a toll on me!

The rest of the day it seems as though the girls were on a mission to stress me out and turn my headache into a full-blown migraine. My hair was "styled" aka yanked, pulled, "brushed", had water splashed on it, then they were screaming at the top of their lungs. Then when Wade got home and brought some dinner, I thought *finally I will get some rest*, I was hungry, grabbed my food, he said he was going to jump in the shower. That turned out to be a pretty long ass shower, so I didn't even get to eat in peace, as the little one was bugging me the entire time. He tried to make it easier on me by calling my mom and telling her the little one wanted to go over to their place, but instead, she says "it's okay, I'll come over instead" UGH. Then he decides to give the older one a lecture for what seemed like over an hour, in a loud tone as usual, which prompted my mom who was over to give me a lecture about how he is always so loud and aggressive with her and it's not good for her. Then that led to her telling me that she and my dad have noticed that I've changed too because I'm not as "soft" and "sweet" with them, that I seem like I'm a bad mood more often and well, YEAH I FUCKING AM - BECAUSE I AM GOING THROUGH HELL AND BACK, DAY IN AND DAY OUT AND I CAN'T DO SHIT ABOUT IT. As I'm listening to her, I'm thinking... but can't say a damn thing: let's start with, I found out I was cheated on and my marriage is a mess and could go either way at this point, my self-esteem is DOA and I am trying to pull myself out of this shithole, PLUS I'm a used and abused --> personal, medical, financial assistant, on-site technical support, therapist, organizer (you name the role!) for YOU, dad, my entire family and myself. Then on top of that, I have to walk around all happy go lucky, after listening to everyone else complain all day? OMFG, seriously? it's hard as hell to keep up this act, it's draining and I am running on empty half the time because I have no help, from anyone and who am I to ask? if I wanted peace and quiet, I should have stayed single and kid-free. I just need more me time, I never get a fucking minute to myself, with the exception of my morning walks these days (which are a new thing, and I dunno where I would be without them!) but I still get shit about those if I'm not back on time - I can't wait for school to start.

I might have to book a massage and soon, I need to de-stress, I just hope that won't trigger me now too?

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I tried something drastically different today, instead of putting on my upbeat fun music for my walk home, I opted for meditation/relaxation music and at first it felt really weird and off, but suddenly it kind of began relaxing me... although I think it would have had a better effect without the car and city noise in the background.

#Motivation
Oprah Winfrey: Take Care of Yourself


#Self-Care
Productivity 101: Tips On How To Be Massively Productive

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DAY 213:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night we skipped game time and watched "You Found a Porn on His Device" by The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert, together and paused/talked throughout. They made a lot of great points in this video but both of us agreed that when they said "if the betrayed can control her reaction/delivery" after finding something on her partner's device, it might make things go better after. However, let's be real - once you make that discovery, anger/rage/emotion takes over and rationality goes right out the window, I don't think it's something that can be controlled. No one is calm when the rug is pulled right from under them, that's unrealistic. Most of the other stuff they go over though, is on point, both from the addicts perspective and the betrayed. We both gained a bit of insight and saw our own situation as they explained various ones in this segment. I enjoy our little watching with commentary sessions, we learn a lot about each other and it opens up a lot of conversation topics.

This morning he shared a video on my Facebook wall with the comment "I appreciate you!!!" and when I clicked play and watched it, I was touched. It was called "Before Taking Someone For Granted" and him posting it to me with that message was sweet, especially because of the mood I was in after yesterday's post, feeling like people expected so much from me, while also having me wearing a smile 24/7 and a bow on my head. I'm enjoying how proactive he has been with sharing stuff he finds interesting or makes him 'feel something', with me on social media. It still feels a bit strange because he never used to do it before but each time he does it, it makes me feel all sorts of ways inside - it's a weird, but good feeling lol, oh and I've included that video below for those interested. When he called me, he brought it up and said, "I wanted to say I really do appreciate you and everything you do." It was so nice to hear it out loud too. Some may think "it's just a post on social media, who cares? all it takes is a click, it's so easy to do", well to me, it's more than that, it's a thought/gesture which is far more important to me than any physical gift (unless there is true thought & meaning behind it), it is taking the time to think about me, the deeper level of thought behind, figuring out how this video would relate to me/interest me and then wanting to involve me etc. I am not one for flowers or chocolates and when he does these little things, it shows me that when he watched this video or read a post/meme, it made him feel something and think of me, so he wanted to share that feeling with me, because in the past, I was the last thing on his mind and he was watching stuff for selfish purposes only. Then we talked some more about the talk from last night and other recovery videos he watched. Afterward, I spent an extra hour walking my feet into the abyss because both kids were out today and I had no time limit!! so I was freeeeeeeeeeeee

When he called me in the afternoon he told me he watched "Basics of Relapse Prevention" by The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert. He said that they had a lot of good points in this video that he would like to apply to his own recovery, like various prevention methods/tools (such as setting "boundaries" for himself, by himself, they refer to them as "bottom liners" and implementing consequences that must be followed through on should he breach any of them. He also realized that both of us have been following certain aspects of these routines, without having names for them or knowing we were creating them to prevent relapses for him or triggers for me. He wants to rewatch the video with me tonight so we can go over it together and maybe come up with a set plan for him. He also mentioned that after watching that video, he also watched "Baywatch" (the new one with The Rock) on Amazon Prime. He told me while he was watching, he wasn't getting triggered or getting any urges, but he was feeling a lot of shame for watching it and enjoying "noticing" the beautiful actresses in their barely-there swimsuits. He couldn't understand why he felt so bad or shameful and wondered if the Basics of Relapse Prevention video triggered that shame or was it because he felt like he was sort of ogling when in real life he was controlling it and wouldn't be doing it anymore? he told me he had a difficult time even bringing this up to me and still felt a sense of shame just talking about it. So, I tried to rationalize it, with him to see if we could figure out what the root of the problem was and where the shame was coming from. I asked him to really think about it, was he maybe, really triggered? he said no. Did he try to ogle body parts when they were there, instead of focusing on other aspects of the scene, he wasn't sure about that. Then I said, well, maybe it was the guilt/shame of watching it at all, without me or at least without mentioning it to me beforehand? because at any point I could have seen what was on the Amazon watchlist and then questioned him about it, like "why are you watching Baywatch, I'm sure it wasn't for the plot?" it is a movie made for horny men to look at half-naked chicks... and the thought of that, having to come up with excuses (justifications/denials) etc., and what could have happened after if it would have pissed me off - caused you fear/shame/guilt? he said "wow, damn" that may very well be it. Then he thanked me for always being there for him and that the way he is able to talk to me, just having someone he could be this open with and how I react, just proves to him that he can come to me with anything, more and more every day. I told him, he doesn't need to thank me, I am here for him because I love him and told him I would support him through this no matter what - I don't need thanks, I just need honesty.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Both girls decided to stay at the daycare today, I had 9 hours to myself, OMG some much-needed R&R, hoping for round 2 tomorrow.

#Video
Before Taking Someone For Granted

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=234993143832333

Betrayal Trauma and Addiction Recovery: Basics of Relapse Prevention


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DAY 214:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels

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Last night we continued our discussion about the "Basics of Relapse Prevention" YouTube video by The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert as well as dissecting his feelings of shame while watching Baywatch (2017) and breaking that down some more (rationally) in order to figure out the root cause of the feeling further. After asking him a bunch of questions and narrowing things down based on his answers, I came to the conclusion that he probably felt ashamed about 1) what he was watching 2) that he was watching it alone/without me or without me knowing (so it felt like he was doing it behind my back, to him) which probably subconsciously triggered his old feelings of shame/guilt/secrecy of when he was hiding his PA, after already being caught and promising to never go back and after going back, being worried about getting caught and 3) the subconscious fear of me coming across the watchlist and then not knowing what my reaction would be, what would I think? would it upset me, would it trigger me? piss me off? or would I even care? would he have to go into denial? justification? excuses? etc. After going over all this, he said this theory made a lot of sense with what he was felt and it did sound like what he was experiencing. So, I offered a simple solution for him, but only if its something he wants, because I would not put it down as a boundary or requirement for me. I was never one to ask him for reports of what he watches or does for recovery (or just in general), it's just not something I enjoy or want to do, because I don't want to control or micromanage him, I'm not that kind of person, never was. However, I told him if he thinks it would help him to remove that feeling of shame or guilt, next time he is interested in watching or doing something that he thinks could be triggering (not just sexually/but feeling shame/guilt) for himself or even for me, make him feel uneasy, worried the content isn't "PA" friendly or whatever, he could just tell me beforehand in order to free himself of that feeling because, if I already know, he won't have the feeling like he is hiding something - hanging over him. Even if he didn't purposefully try hiding it, he obviously internally felt that way because of the content. So, to use Baywatch as an example: he'd call or text me and say "Hey, I saw the preview for that new Baywatch movie, looked funny and it popped up for free on Amazon, I think I'm going to check it out" and I'd respond with "cool, let me know how it was". Then when he watches it, he wouldn't feel ashamed when watching it, because it wouldn't feel like a secret to him. Or if it's something that really bothered me, I could always be honest with him and say "I don't really feel comfortable with you watching that" and then it would up to him what to do next - but he'll know for sure that 1) if he watches it, I won't be happy. 2) if he avoids it, I would be happy because he took my feelings into consideration - either way, it would remove the element of surprise of me "possibly" finding out and then him having a fear of what would come next.

Ironically and piggybacking off of my post from yesterday, he brought up something to me, that he noticed and was happy/encouraged about. He said that he has been noticing me tagging him on Facebook again, when he remembers just a few months ago, I told him I would never do it again. He said when he noticed it, it made him happy each time. So, I stopped him and said "now, think about what you just said, flip it around and think back to when I was bringing this up to you, what you use to tell me" -- now that you can have some empathy, do you get it? and he finally does. It's remarkable. You get, what you give - so when he gave nothing, he got nothing. PA was his world, I wasn't apart of it -- well, social media was my world and he wasn't allowed in my world either, not because I didn't want him there, at first, but because he made it clear to me from day one, he didn't care about having a spot there. He said he completely gets it now, he even feels it himself, the happiness/excitement from being tagged because I wanted to share something with him, I put him back in my world. He contributes it not just to his actions on social media towards me, but to our progress with communication, intimacy and connection - as well as trust, I agree.

Today I walked and had the whole day to myself *let freedom ring*, we spoke on the phone a bit here and there, not as much as the last few days because he was busy. He told me he wants to start telling me upfront about stuff he plans on watching in order to remove that pressure from himself and I said that's fine, so long as he is doing it on his own accord and not for my sake. He also said he wants to take his notebook to work tomorrow, so he can start working on his "bottom liners" and "consequences" list, I just don't know how he is going to self-police? something to think about I guess. It will take a lot of personal responsibility to be able to acknowledge if he is breaking his own boundaries, admit it to himself and apply his own consequences.

When he got home, I was almost finished watching X-Men Apocalypse, he saw and asked me to pause it because he likes the fight scene and wanted to watch it too. So I did, after we got everyone situated, we continued the movie and spent a few minutes analyzing it and breaking down how we feel FOX ruined the entire X-Men franchise, by completely destroying all the characters and their storylines. It was a nice moment and we were definitely in sync about it lol

Another positive note: normally, in the past, when I would get messages from random guys on social media trying to flirt with me, I would never let Wade know. At one point it got so overwhelming, I changed my profile pic to a cartoon character to make it stop, but he never knew that was the real reason, he never asked why I changed my pic, I never had to explain either. Even though I never did anything with those guys (no sexting/flirting etc) and just brushed them off, then forgot about it, he still never had a clue how many "offers" his wife was getting - not that he would even care at that point, I guess. This time, I did share it with him and was open about it, I consider this progress in being honest on my end, as well.

My feet look and feel like someone beat the shit out of them, I really need to get new sneakers, stat!

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Day two of 9 hours of peace and quiet! no rushing during my walk, watched a movie, watched some self-care vids! on point!

#Addiction
Heartbroken Young Wife Opens Up To Husband About How His Porn Habit Makes Her Feel: (how she said it, made my heart break because I know this pain all too well).


#Self-Care
7 Morning Habits That Stop You from Losing Weight

1. You refuse to eat a big breakfast. 0:52
2. You don't walk in the sunshine. 2:39
3. You forget to drink a glass of water after waking up. 3:52
4. You don't exercise. 5:13
5. You save delicious dishes for lunch or dinner. 6:18
6. You read the news in the morning. 7:32
7. You underestimate the help of your pets. 8:36

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DAY 215:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night we continued our discussion about him setting his own boundaries, bottom liners and consequences for himself, as well as having to self-police. He was going to make a list and hold himself accountable, as well as why it was important for him to want to do it, instead of it coming as "rules" from me because I didn't want to micromanage him/his recovery. Once I reached my Aha moment in January I realized I needed to worry about taking care of myself and working on my own goals, because I finally got to a point in my life, where I decided I needed to be happy, no, I deserved to be happy and I couldn't continue living miserably just because "of the kids" "how it would look to everyone else" "what would I do next" or any other excuse I came up with, just so I wouldn't have to deal with the scary reality of change, that would ultimately come with a divorce, I got to the point where I said I rather deal with scary change, then continued pain and misery. After our talk, we had some time to spare and went to play our game.

Today as I walked, he told me about a notice he had, she was running around where he was working, in yoga pants, a tank bra - so I bet a lot of bouncing, he said he looked away but at first she was further, so he caught her shape, and instantly knew she would definitely be someone he would have enjoyed ogling and in the past he would want her to keep making the rounds, so he could keep looking at her. He said she ran by three times and this time he found it annoying because his reflex is to look when someone is running by him, he claims he didn't know it was her each time but didn't slip - I don't know though, with my peripheral vision, I can see shapes, colors, etc, so I would be able to tell if it's the same person - based on the silhouette, color of clothes etc. So, I don't know if it was "annoying" or he was just having issues because he was getting more and more tempted to look each time, so she was really just testing his control which was frustrating him. He keeps telling me that it's getting better and easier, I really don't know because I'm not in his head and I personally don't (and never did) have an issue with this myself. I can notice and have blinders on at the same time, I can't explain it or how I can make my eyes and mind work like that. I have a difficult time believing he can ever be like that though - as I feel and see him when a "threat" is close by, which is why I don't think I will ever get to a place where I don't feel like I have to compete for his attention, when we are out in the real world and I notice someone around us, and that's a problem, if it doesn't get better for me, I can not stay in this relationship, no matter how good our love/connection gets. The reason why is, because even though the talks after-the-fact, do help, the feeling of not being ____ (insert anything here like: pretty, hot, sexy, skinny, etc.) enough to hold my man's attention, aka not being "his prime", always comparing myself to others - when we are out is just excruciatingly draining, painful, depressing and just exhausting on me emotionally and when I get intense triggers, it also hits me physically as well. That's not the "happy" I want for myself, it's not the "happy" I've set out to achieve for myself back in January, it's still feeling misery when I should be happy, only difference is, now I have a place to vent to about it, which is nice but not the same as being truly at ease, happy and at peace, when I am out with the person I am supposed to be enjoying my time with, because it just always ruins the mood/event/occasion for me. Unfortunately, I just don't feel it from him, even 6 months into recovery and with an intense connection, I don't sense that kind of "being wanted/being the only woman he desires" from him - the spark, excitement he constantly gave to so many others, as I watched... and I don't know with the amount of damage I was exposed to, on this specifically, I don't think it will ever go away, just like his urge/temptation to look at women he finds hot.

We also talked about figuring out ways to have our 10-year-old spend less time on the computer/tablet for mindless stuff, because this is becoming (if not already) an addiction and after watching "Addiction Recovery: Keys To Raising Addiction Resilient Kids" he wanted to come up with something, even more, if she is using technology it should be in a mindful way, for something productive. I also brought up the idea of buying a dining room table, since we are getting rid of a lot of baby toys. So we could have family dinners, every day without any electronics, right now we all grab a plate and can set it down anywhere, in front of our computers or the TV, but this will become a new "pattern" for us, some family time, face to face, with full and undivided attention. Also a bit about a video he watched "Betrayal Trauma & Addiction: Date Night for Couples in Recovery", he's playing catch up, because I told him a few weeks back when he see's this video, he'll find a lot of similarities.

Even though our connection is better today than it ever was before January, it does feel after that last week that we had, with a new disclosure (which I still haven't really processed, just pushed it out of my mind for now) plus a lot of bad past behaviors resurfacing back to back, I guess my self-defense mechanism kicked in and pulled back some of the connection we've developed over the last few months, hasn't felt the same since. Even though things are better this week, something still feels off, I can tell by my reaction to triggers, especially compared to how it was prior to that week, they've calmed down - but not because I feel 'safer' or have more 'security' now, but because I've pulled back out of fear. I've also felt a drop in the attentiveness, attention, and some of the things he was doing have started to fall back a bit over the last month, but I think that's probably because we've gotten past "the new relationship" phase, since at the beginning of the recovery it felt like we both were dating new people or because he's concentrating on other tasks, like videos etc, when he is focused on one thing, he tends to really focus in on just that.

When I got home, took a shower, my kids convinced my mom to take them to Wendy's and she asked me to come with them, I said okay. It was a nice family time. Afterward, everyone stuck around though at my place, for hours - talking nonstop, like I told Wade, payback for my few hours of peace yesterday and the day before. Then once he got home, we packed up the kids and headed to the playground, my parents decided to tag along there. I made Wade sit with my dad, now it was his turn to listen to 2 hr long small talk, as I listened to some great self-care videos on YouTube. I did notice a potential threat there, a mom that I think he would have ogled, maybe he did, I didn't even both looking at him, I just didn't have the energy at that point and I was listening to my positive video and didn't want to ruin my own mood with negative thoughts, even though I couldn't help myself, but I still tried. Oh well. #Life

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I skipped the fries at Wendy's, just had some chicken tenders! #LessCarbs

#Recovery
Betrayal Trauma & Addiction: Date Night for Couples in Recovery


#Addiction (& Liars)
Dr. Phil "The Truth About Liars"


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DAY 216:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night we discussed numerous topics again, ranging from the recovery stuff we've been talking about the last few days, then onto my parents and even politics. While we spoke he gave me a foot rub, I enjoyed that, it felt good, they've been aching the last few days because I've been walking so much. I did notice him looking back at the clock a lot, I think he really wanted to get some time in to play the game. I just didn't understand why he kept the conversation going then if he wanted to play so much, I think it would have been better to just say "okay, let's go play now", rather than talk, listen to me and keep looking at the clock, that kind of made me not want to really talk back or about anything serious, which is why the topic of conversation was changed.

We spoke for the entirety of my walk today and covered a lot, but I won't go into all of the details here. He told me about a video he watched posted by JK, we discussed that for a bit. Then we went over some "The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert" videos he watched. Then we began talking about how I feel about how he feels about me physically because of his years of ogling issues, how I feel like when we are out, I am always in competition with everyone else and never just certain that when I am out with him, I am the only one he see's, I don't feel it at all. I told him that type of thing is not sustainable for me, to feel one way when we are alone at home and another when we go out. Then I mentioned that something has been feeling off for me, I don't know if it is because of the last week or what, or because we don't have that "new car smell" anymore, but I don't know what it is, maybe it really is just him focusing on one thing and he can not multitask/balance very well -- and I rather he worry about recovery, more than anything else, because this is for him, to be a better man and a better father to our girls. He said he wants to talk about this more tonight and figure it out, but I don't really know what it is, so I don't know what to tell him. Oh and another thing, which I found a bit disgusting during my walk, as I was making my rounds, there was a new mom sitting, holding her baby, the father was standing and either his or her dad (the grandfather) was sitting next to the new mom. I was walking towards them (to go past them) and I see both men ogle me, as she sat there, holding the baby. It just made me feel like shit (even though I know it's not my fault, I can't control their behavior) and I felt even worse for her, because at the end of the day - I am her, and have been for 12 years.

He called me again later in the day and we spoke about another video he watched by the trio "Sex Fast, A Good Idea?" and he wants to rewatch it with me tonight (because I vaguely remember some of the points since I watched it a while ago) but he would like to go over it, pause and discuss various points and ideas. He would like to try this fast and see if it will help him with differentiating between lust and love, cause he is now himself confused with how he has been feeling about me at times, even during recovery - if it was lustful or loving. I broke it down for him like this if you look at me and think "damn look at those tits! they are huge! and they are mine, I have to get laid right now because she's mine!" that's lust talking - if you are thinking "wow, look at my voluptuous wife, how did I get so lucky? she is just so beautiful, I get to be with her every day, in every way, I need to count my blessings" that's loving, in my opinion, but I'm not a therapist. He also wants to see if it will help reignite our connection further but he wants me to be onboard, but ironically he's afraid I won't have enough self-control about it lol, but I think I can. I guess we'll watch tonight and see what we come up with.

When he got home, we went to the supermarket, there were threats everywhere, we hadn't even walked in yet and I saw a threat making her way in and then she was waltzing around the section I needed to go to, sigh. I felt a bit, not overwhelmed as I would have been if triggers would have been firing off like before, because they are still, meh (thankfully) - but I just kind of felt, because there were so many of them, like "I can't compete with woman like that around, so why even bother" "he would much rather look at them" "chances are he asked me to start heading over to grab other stuff, so he can scan better without me nearby", so sort of like - sad, deflated or defeated? not sure how to pinpoint the feeling. I hate it, I just wanted to finish getting everything on our list and leave asap, and no I can not help or control where my mind takes me.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Loved the way my hair looked this morning, the humidity was low at the time, so no frizz! although by the time I got home the humidity was appearing.

#Addiction
How to Handle Your Partner's Wandering Eye
(Good info for SO's! some of her points took me back and made me want to cry/break something!)


Inspire Your Husband to Stop Looking at Other Women


#Self-Care
What Will Happen to Your Body If You Walk Every Day

10. Brain-boosting effect 0:45
09. Improved eyesight 1:44
08. Prevention of heart disease 2:47
07. Increased lung volume 3:14
06. Benefits for the pancreas 3:51
05. Improved digestion 4:23
04. Toned muscles 4:59
03. Sturdier bones and joints 5:45
02. Back pain relief 6:10
01. A calmer mind 7:04
Bonus: the FIT formula 8:00
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DAY 217:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels

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Last night we talked quite a bit, we repeated topics of the last several days, so I won't go into that. After that, we went into the bedroom where he turned on the music, "Perfect" by Ed Sheeran and we slow danced to it, very close and it felt so tender, the song is so touching and beautiful, I was lost in the moment and felt warm inside - it was nice, he hadn't done this in a while. Then we watched "Sex Fast, A Good Idea?" together, as he gave me such a freaking mind-blowing head, neck and upper back rub (OMG it was good, I'm still reeling off of it ) and discussed the idea of trying it out, because it may actually benefit us both. At one point in this video, Cody, the addict talked about using sex as a coping mechanism, and I thought (out loud), "hmm, I think I might do that too". Then Wade immediately paused the video and said: "yea, I kind of think so too, because I found it weird, that after both disclosures, instead of turning away from me, you had sex with me". He said even though he enjoyed it, he felt weird because of what he had just told me and felt he didn't deserve sex from me, in that kind of moment, in a sense. So, it is totally possible, even though I never really thought about it in that way, because I enjoy sex, a lot and it makes me feel good - I never put two and two together. For Wade, he has had an ogling issue, after watching this video now he is confused whether or not he looks at me in a lustful way or is it loving, maybe both? because he says he just feels so different about me now, however when he wants me, he wants me or thinks about certain parts, he thinks he lusts after them? so now he is confused. Therefore, in order to detox ourselves and see, if taking sex out of the equation, could possibly help both of us, with our set of issues, as well as amplify our already growing connection. I think it could be an interesting experiment, I'm only afraid I might not have enough self-control, sigh.

We spoke for the entirety of my walk again today. He watched a few more videos by the trio, I think I will refer to them as BAE lol, because writing out "The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert" each time is annoying. Anyway, he said he watched a few of their shorter clips, one really got his attention, it for the betrayed "How to Cope With Fear After Betrayal". He said that he could relate some of the points directly to me, now that he has learned so much, feelings that I've never let him in on before all this and we discussed this for a while, I agreed with a lot of his assessments that he got from further rationalizing me/our situation - like fear, triggers, shame/despair are big ones for me. Plus "hugging" he believes, I kind of agree now as well, maybe I am not 100% sure yet, because I can't know for certain, whether or not I use sex as a coping tool, or at least to gain back a sense of my power or control in an unpleasant or uncontrollable situation, even though I never feel regret after-the-fact, so that's why I'm not clear on that, because I am truly in the moment and enjoy the process, always and don't wake up ashamed thinking "omg, what did I do last night!?". Then we talked about the second video he watched "Difference of Checking Boxes and Recovery" and how he feels so happy that we never did the recovery that way, we were always there for each other, no matter what, no matter how pissed off etc and never had "reports". It gives him much higher hopes that, even with minor setbacks here and there, that if we continue working together, we will make it through and even I, as negative as I am in believing that I will be able to move "past" feeling like I'm not what he wants, compared to other women, will get to a place where I will not just hear his words when he tells me I am enough, but feel it's true. I hope he is right, time will tell, right?

When he got home, we had our first electronic [distraction] free dinner. It was the four of us, we spent about 10 minutes actually eating and about 40 talking, asking about each of our days, then mostly talking to our 10-year-old and explaining what addiction does to people and how it disconnects us, especially addiction to computers/tablets/online - like we believe she may have already. We also explained why we were going to make this (family dinners) an every night thing because she asked - we told her we need to reconnect, all of us, as a family, period.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Even though I finished my 30-day plank challenge, I continued my new routine and did 55 seconds today.

#Healing
6 Behaviors You Should Never Tolerate In A Man


How to Cope With Fear After Betrayal


#Self-Care
Jay Shetty - Be Someone Who Makes You Happy


#Couples Recovery & Healing Must Watch Series: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

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