Trying to gain back my SOs trust

Thanks @Kenzi , it's good to hear more views on this kind of thing.

I don't know if I could handle it, but I'm not sure if I would even know about this happening in their relationship unless it broke them apart.

In terms of abuse, I think it's disgusting what we have done to our partners over the years, and I don't want to be hypocritical by saying I wouldn't stand for all of the things I've put Tan through over the years (because obviously I want to be with her and try and repair our relationship), but I think you're right, I wouldn't be able to stand for it.

Looking at my eldest tonight, and thinking about this question actually made me feel sick; that someone like me could cause her so much pain, when all I want for her is happiness.

In all honesty, looking at her now, I'm not sure anyone will be good enough for her (not sure if I'm turning into a bit of an overbearing parent now though!)

 

Day 172.

Yesterday went well, the eldest went to nursery and she had a good time (although she wet herself that many times she ended up coming home in clothes that weren't hers...)

After posting my question yesterday, Tan and I spoke about other questions that I could answer on here, so we thought of some more.


How would I react if the tables were turned?

I think this is an important question to answer really, because it makes you get into the shoes of your SO; see things through her eyes.

To get the perspective, it should be how would I react if Tan had cheated on me repeatedly, for me to come close to understanding how she feels (although, it still doesn't give a comparison to me choosing to PM instead of having sex).

Tan asked me yesterday if I would leave her if that happened, and I couldn't give an answer. Really it depends on how things came about, if I caught them at it (like Tan caught me) and if she continued to lie (like I did), and to be honest, I don't think I could cope staying with her if that happened.

Now I know that it sounds totally hypocritical that I say that when I am still hoping that Tan can overcome all of this and eventually even forgive me, but I don't think I could manage to do that if the situation was reversed.

Every time we would have sex (or even seeing her naked) would remind me of catching her. Everything she did would make me suspicious, every action would have hidden intention. In short, I wouldn't trust anything she did to be innocent.

So to ask Tan to be trustful of me after all that I have done is hypocrisy, yet I still live in hope that eventually I will be worthy of it.

 

Day 173.

Today has been a tired, lethargic day. The youngest had us up half the night, but alas, we still have work to do (although we do have a week "off" next week!)

I am also eagerly awaiting quotes back from builders this weekend with regards our extension works (fingers crossed they don't hurt too much).

Question time.

Would I tell my children about my PA?

I would like to eventually tell them of my PA, and don't want to keep them in the dark as I think that my experiences can help them make decisions in the future. I read something on another thread talking about this:

Now, obviously I have two girls at the moment, and it may not affect them with regards to using porn (although there are women on here addicted to it), I think that it would be a great way to educate them about addiction generally, as well as show them that it is possible to recover, if someone is willing to work at it.

This kinda touches on what I said in a previous post, and I don't want it to sound like I would be happy for them to be in a relationship with someone like me, but I want them to know that if it did happen, that it's possible to come out the other side a better person (I'm also not trying to say that I'm recovered yet. I know that I've still got a long journey to travel).

The other question would be when to tell them, and should it be an organised conversation or should it just be brought up when the topic is relevant? I'm not sure about that just yet, but I think it's something that needs a lot of thought, and needs to be done right.

 

Day 173.

Our youngest daughter was a bit of a nightmare last night, leading to yet another day of tiredness (well this was our choice by having kids, eh), but besides that, it's been a decent day; last day at work before a week off, got the first of the quotes back from the builders, and we had a takeaway!

We travel to Scotland tomorrow, and we're pretty looking forward to it, hopefully the weather will be okay (but this is the UK...).

Question;

How's my nofap journey gone so far?

Now, I know this question doesn't follow the same vein as the previous ones did, however I think it's important to evaluate how things have changed, and how things are going, in order to keep improving and prevent things slipping back into the "old" ways.

Firstly, my journey hasn't been fantastic, and, at times, it's been pretty poor. But I am trying to get better at it, and be more consistent.

I think that the main area of change has been that I am more present in our life. I have mostly stopped playing games on my phone, I very rarely use social media and generally, I try to be more involved with my children. I think Tan will agree, I am now much more helpful with the kids on a day to day basis than before we started my nofap journey, and I think it's because I have tried to address areas of my life that were issues before (I often would be too engrossed in my phone to be able to interact with Tan, or the kids propperly).

Obviously, another big change has been that I no longer use P or M, and I think that it has shown a massive improvement in our relationship, as I am no longer sneaking around, trying to hide what I'm doing, or quickly trying to fasten up my trousers when Tan was coming through the front door (I really just wish that we had found this community a long time ago, as it would have helped prevent a lot of heartache).

I am trying to be better at communicating, although this is where most of my improvement needs to be made. I have never been good at communicating my feelings, and have always tried my best to keep my thoughts to myself, in fear of offending or upsetting (this is stupid, and counterintuitive as has been proven to me time and again).

I am making a much bigger effort now with regards to journaling in this community, as well as trying to have more of a presence in the wider nofap community, trying to gain knowledge of my addiction, and gathering tips and advice on how to improve (and I have to say, this site has been invaluable in my recovery, and has provided support, advice and a stern talking to when I have needed it!)

Admittedly, we have had many really hard times during this journey, but there have been glimmers of light shining through the clouds, and I hope that things will keep getting better. I feel like there is a lot to be positive about in the future, and of course, there is already a lot to be positive about in our present (our kids, despite me complaining about them keeping us up, or generally making us crabby, give us a lot of pride and happiness, and we wouldn't be the same without them).

 

Day 178.

Well, we have had a rollercoaster weekend in Scotland. A weekend holiday with the family to Glasgow, and stacked full of laughs, and also huge tantrums from the eldest.

But nothing pisses me off more than people openly judging our parenting skills our eldest decided to have a meltdown in a restaurant, I took her outside to avoid too much of a scene, and the women sat next to us were talking about how our children were out of control and that if they had kids, they would never act like that (yup, didn't even have kids...). We ended up leaving without ordering.

Having been into the city, I did have some avoidances, but I think I did pretty well on that front.

Question;

Has my nofap journey been worth it so far?

I have to say it has definitely been worth it. Regardless of the outcome in our relationship (to be clear, I really hope that we can make it through this, and if it doesn't, I'm not sure if it would set me back), I feel like there have been many positives generally in my life.

I think that, whether it was related to PM or not, we were going through a bit of a rough patch before d-day. I wasn't paying enough attention to the kids, I wasn't listening to Tan (she would often have to repeat herself when she said things because my concentration was elsewhere), and generally things were getting a bit frayed.

My initial feelings after d-day were that I wish I had been more sneaky to have avoided being caught, but since finding nofap, and reading around on your brain on porn etc, I realised that P was having a much bigger impact on my life than I had given it credit for, and I was selfish to think that it wasn't impacting people around me.

Reflecting on things made me realise that I needed to make more changes in my life than giving up P and M. I needed to make an effort in our relationship, I needed to be present in my children's life more, I needed to stop being glued to my phone.

I have still got things to improve on, and my journey is by no means complete (if it will ever be, I don't foresee ever being able to stop travelling forward on this journey), but I have made a lot of improvements already. And none of it would be possible without embarking on my nofap journey.

 

Day 181.

Thanks @Banjaxed, and thanks for the vote for the 3rd child!

We have had a bit of a busy, weird, good week. Obviously we got back from a busy, stressful weekend in Glasgow, where we bought some doors for our prospective extension. I followed that up by getting a couple of new tattoos (and added to one dedicated to my mam). We have just got back from a somewhat unexpected purchase of a (admitedlly pretty expensive) dining table that we both fell in love with (kinda feel like sales people get a boat load of commission for selling care plans on furniture mind).

We have also had some good family time recently, and had a nice meal last night with a load of family around ours.

There have been a lot of laughs, and a fair bit of optimism this week, so things have felt very positive and happy.

Question.

How would I deal with a relationship breakdown?

Now this is not a question that I have wanted to put too much thought into, however, it is obviously something that should be considered as it is entirely justified for Tan to still leave me.

I would truly want to continue my recovery, and I think that I would be successful, but I cannot predict how I would react initially (I'd like to think I would be okay, but I can't guarantee it). I would definitely remain an active part of this community as a big part of my recovery.

As far as the kids go, I really hope that it wouldn't affect them too much emotionally (I do think that they are young enough to be pretty resilient to it). I would obviously be a very active part of their lives and would be there for them for anything and everything.

The next issue to resolve would be the house. We own our house, and have put quite a bit of love, effort and money into it, so it would be difficult to leave it, as it is our family home. I have a feeling that it would be easier for both of us to sell and take back our equity to untangle things somewhat.

I think I would struggle, to an extent, financially as we have been pooling our income for so long, so I think I would find it pretty difficult going back to renting and affording my own rent and bills. I would manage, but probably struggle.

I would desperately hope that we would remain on good terms, but if it came to separation because of all of this, I can't imagine that Tan would want to remain on good terms, except to keep the kids out of the mess.

I really do hope that that doesn't become a reality as I can't bare to think about this kind of thing, for both us and the kids.

 

Day 183.

We had a pretty lazy day yesterday, other than food shopping and grabbing a bite to eat while out, we just had a chilled out day withthekids (where we had intended to do some housework, but ended up just putting it off instead!).

Today we cooked Sunday dinner (which was amazing, thanks @Tan3110) for the family and tidied up the house (including sorting out the kids clothes, which feels like a never ending task).

Question;

What has changed this time around?

This is a fairly fundamental question that needs to be answered, as it is important to know that there are differences in this recovery from previous times I have tried to give up P.

I think that a major aspect of this recovery that has changed, which has propagated other changes (although not the only one that has caused other changes) is how this time has affected Tan. The way that she reacted this time was like it had broken her, and that she had been pushed to the edge. There was quite a while where I wasn't sure if she was going to stay, and there have been a few times since where I have thought she may leave, but fortunately things feel like they are in a bit of a better place at the moment.

Another major reason that things have changed is that, this d-day has made me realise just how much I'm going to lose if I don't sort myself out. I have an absolutely fantastic wife, two amazing kids, and a beutiful family home, and should I fail at this recovery I stand to lose it all.

I know that these aren't the only reasons I should be doing this for, however they are excellent motivation to make positive change, and any motivation is good. This leads me on to the fact that I am doing it for myself this time as well. I have learned a lot about this addiction from being a part of this amazing community, and it has taught me that this addiction can have a hugely detrimental impact on many areas of life, both mental and physical (and I feel like I had come close to suffering from PIED).

I have also made a commitment to change things in day to day life, including my phone use, my exersise, the way I interact with the kids etc, and I think that these little changes have had an impact on our quality of life compared to before d-day.

I have still got things that I can improve on, but I feel like things are actually very different this time compared to previous times.

 

Day 184.

First day back at work after a weeks holiday, and I really wish I was still off. Felt like a bit of a weak link on the team, and made a couple of stupid mistakes. Oh well, the only way is up at work...

When I left for work this morning I felt good, and Tan and I were in a good mood, thinking of ways to try and fund our extension.

Question;

What lead me to choose the types of porn that I watched?

When I used P, I tended to use the same sites and watch the same kind of stuff. It gradually changed over time though.

I initially watched pretty soft stuff, but I got into more graphic and different things and started watching transsexual porn.

I think some of the reason for wanting the more graphic porn, was that I started to want more taboo stuff to M to. Having read around addictions, it is much the same as needing more of a substance to get the same dopamine hit.

When Tan caught me the last time, I often watched cam sites (I never paid for them, only watching the free cams). I think that this is probably the most hurtful thing that I watched to Tan for obvious reasons. I watched them because it was more "real", and it felt like there was someone else on the other side of the screen, as opposed to watching a pre recorded video, and it's for these reasons why it was so hurtful to Tan.

Facebook has triggered me in the past, and I have used pictures from Facebook to M to as well, this is part of the reason why I rarely use it any more, to try and avoid potential triggers.

A lot of the porn that I watched was based around "teen porn" and the idea of sex with someone young and sexy and entirely unrealistic, and probably contributed to my issue with ogling.

 

Day 185.

Today has gone much better at work, I feel better focussed, and have been much more productive. On the other hand, I'm supposed to be getting protected time off to work on my portfolio which I need to complete to become a registered biomedical scientist (hospital lab scientist) but so far, I have not been given any, which is annoying.

Question;

Why did a want to cheat?

I think, before I delve into answering this question, I should give a bit of an explanation. I disclosed to Tan, that I had had "fantasies" of cheating with a couple of people. One we used to live with while at uni, the other, someone I used to work with. Nothing came of these fantasies, though I came close to acting on one of them, when I was drunk at a gig.

Looking back, I am disgusted at myself, especially having two kids at the time, absolutely nothing good would have come from it (I must add that alcohol is not an excuse). Sex would have been shit, and then the aftermath would have been a total mess, and I am pleased that nothing did come of it. But, I felt the guilt of it none the less.

Both of these girls I spent a lot of time with and got to know them well, and were good friends with at the times, and we shared a lot in common. I think that I was desiring something different, and I don't think that that urge would have been there if it hadn't been for my porn use. It had made me think that having variety in my sex life was something that I should have, and that's what I wanted. I obviously wasn't thinking about any of the consequences, or what was truly important to me at the time, or else the desires would not have been there.

I guess, to an extent, there was also a selfishness about it. That I should think more of my own desires, than how acting them out would affect others, or affect me in the future.

Needless to say, I have not had any contact with them since d-day, as it would be a huge trigger for Tan. To be honest, I would likely feel sickened by the thought now, knowing all of the problems that it had caused in our marriage.

I never thought I would ever be the kind of person to do this to my wife, and the fact that I came so close, makes me sick.

 

Day 186.

Today has not been a great day, I have yet again proven that I don't deserve to have Tan as my wife. I lied about a stupid thing this morning that wouldn't have even been an issue, but now it is a huge issue.

Essentially, I had missed a few calls off Tan and obviously she was getting pretty suspicious and pissed off that I wasn't answering. I said I didn't hear it because I was walking into work, but actually, I had got into work already, and was on the loo, hence why I couldn't feel my phone vibrate, as I no longer use my phone in the toilet.

I was so scared about Tans reaction to me needing the toilet a second time in a morning, that when she eventually got hold of me, I panicked, and lied.

I'm not sure if Tan will come back from this one this time. I'm not sure if I deserve it.

 

Day 187.

Well, yesterday was not good, for reasons mentioned before, and things are obviously still up in the air. I know I have hurt Tan way too many times, even since DDay, and truthfully (though it seems pretty ironic) all I want is for her to be happy, and I hate that I have been the cause of her pain, yet again.

My dad came round last night, and we looked through loads of old photos of my mam (which I got a bit bleary eyed looking at), and things were nice (though just a show really).

Tan accidentally sent a text intended for me to my Sister talking about ever accountable and stuff, so we don't know what she thinks about that at the moment (she hasn't said anything to us yet), but we will see.

 

Day 188.

I think you make a good point, but obviously opening up to someone (especially someone in the family) is not just my decision to make, and I know that Tan is incredibly ashamed of how our marriage is not as "perfect" as everyone sees it as. Opening up about what I've put Tan through is pretty shameful for me too.

But asides from that, my Sister suffers from an alcohol addiction, so possibly would be a good person to talk to about addiction, but on the other hand, I feel that she may just dismiss it as not being an addiction at all compared to alcoholism.

She can also be very opinionated and difficult to talk to about easier subjects, but this is one I would find more difficult to talk to her about (there are other people, I think, that we would both feel more comfortable talking to about this).

I do think talking to someone about it would probably be a good step to make, but my Sister is definitely not the person I would have told.

 

Question for today;

What made me fall in love, and did anything happen in the relationship to change the addiction?

Our relationship started before we were a "couple". We had worked together for a year, and were decent friends before we got together, and we had started to socialise a lot more outside of work with other work colleagues, and it was a great time of life, for both of us.

I know that Tan didn't really like me like that to start with, I wasn't her "type" (I was a bit geeky, and pretty skinny, loved metal, but wore drainpipe jeans and shirts with skinny ties. Actually, not sure I would have been anyone's "type" to be honest). I eventually ground her down, and on Halloween 2007 decided that we should start going out officially.

I loved how things were, we used to see each other most days, we had lots of sex, and we enjoyed each other's company. We used to go to the cinema, and go for food and bowling etc and it was a great time. I just felt really comfortable with her.

I remember the first time the words Love were said. It was new years eve, and Tan said it in a pub, I thought I had heard her say it, but wasn't sure, but didn't respond until later, when I asked her what she said and she repeated. I thought it was what she said, and I told her that I just wanted to hear it again. I knew I loved her then, and I still do.

Our love has evolved, and I think a large part of that is the kids, and the experiences we have shared together (the good and the bad), and my addiction has changed too. When we first started seeing each other, I didn't seem to PM as much. I think having regular sex probably was the main reason for that.

Once Tan went to university and we only saw each other on weekends, I started to PM much more frequently, and even though we had a load of sex on a weekend, I still had a big drive to PM during the week.

The year after I went to uni too, and we were back together. I PMd less again, and sex was more frequent again.

I don't remember anything specific that happened in our relationship that made my P use spike, I think it was just gradual, but I think that when we had kids, we definitely stopped havi g the time to do things together as much. I'm not saying that I don't love being a parent, because it's probably the most rewarding (and frustrating) thing I have ever had the privelidge to be, but it may be linked to my increased use. I had started to think that Tan didn't want to have sex as much (despite her having a higher sex drive than me through our entire relationship), so I didn't try and instigate as much, and a lot of the passion seemed to have faded (I think some of that was due to the increased porn use).

All in all, I still love Tan, and I don't think there were changes in our relationship that contributed to my porn use.

 

Day 190.

Well, we've had a pretty rocky weekend, and I'm pretty sure we've not come much closer to breaking. I feel like every time I make any forward progress, I send us back even further, through stupid things, I mean am I stupid?

I honestly don't know why/how she has put up with me for this long other than for the kids sake, cos I'm pretty sure that all I do is bring her heartache at the moment.

She has told me a few times that all of our best memories (our wedding day, the birth of our daughters, holidays, buying and renovating our family home) are tarred by porn. It kills me when she says this, and makes me think even more that she mustn't want to be with me deep down.

But still, she is with me. After crying countless times over the same shit I've put her through. After sitting in her car between visits at work thinking she can't keep her facade up (she's a district nurse).

I need some advice though. I feel like I seriously need to tell someone about our situation, and I came pretty close to telling my dad today. My go to person to tell would have been my mam if we were in this place a few years ago, but I can't now (which brought me to tears again...) and I wonder if there is really an "ideal" person to tell.

I know Tan probably feels the same, but she feels a lot of shame to admit to someone that I have put us here and how I've done it.

I constantly feel like we will never have trust again, and that we will constantly be in stopped from making any progress because I've lied so much, it's impossible for her to trust me. Every time I have "honestly not done anything wrong" will just be another stupid lie in her eyes, even when it's the truth.

It's so fucking ironic, every kids programme that's been on the TV recently has had the subtext of "lying makes people not believe you when you tell the truth", like the story about the boy who cried wolf. How can I not have learned from any of these stories? Or is it that you always feel like the lie will make things better, or easier, or smoother than the truth? You feel like the lie will never be exposed. Even when so many lies have been exposed in the past.

Oh well, I hope I still have the capacity to learn.