A Legend, A lover, A Loner

Hey, new here... I've been fapfree for 10 days now, and also new to this community, but I've been snooping around for the past few days and finally decided to make an account...
So anyway, I've spent almost all of my childhood alone, my parents divorced when I was 4, not to mention how much I was coddled by my mother because I had really bad asthma and practically allergic to everything. I didn't get outside much as a kid, much less even recess, but I was able to fight and break through those limitations as I got older. My biggest thing was my parents messy divorce. My mom, a super religious Christian and my dad... Well now a pothead. What I really wanted most in life was to know what true love feels like... Something my parents failed to show me, and it was something I prayed hard for and looked for for years.
I dated a few times in school, but literally a few. I had a hard time fitting in while I was overcoming my own obstacles.
It wasn't until my sophomore year of high school that I met a girl who I still stand firmly to say, I really loved. I dated her for a year and a half, and we went together better than peanut butter and jelly in a sandwich. I still miss her to this day, 6 years later. She died on a Saturday night, coming home from the beach with some friends in a car accident caused by a distracted driver (texting). I was working that night, not by choice, as she begged me to come along that day, which would be been our first time as a couple on the beach. I never got to say goodbye, and I wasn't even able to know or hear anything from or about her 3 days after the accident had happened. I ended up quitting that job, my manager tried to forbid me from going to her funeral because 1: it was a super busy weekend, and 2: she didn't qualify as family, which is the only criteria for being excused from work. So in a week, I lost my love, my job, and overall happiness, that I thought I worked so hard for since I was 2 months old. (I choked on formula alot as a baby)
I battled with depression and suicidal attempts, which were fueled even hotter by the super Christian environment I was being drowned in. She didn't believe in God, for many reasons, and whenever I asked about where she'd be after death, most would say hell. Why would an all loving god send someone who loved everyone she was around, happy with life, and always compassionate to anyone in distress to hell? I was gonna marry that girl! We had already made plans from future living arrangements to how we'd tell our story of high school sweethearts. I really wanted to die. I still don't fear death now, because if she is in hell, I'll go through any amount of suffering just to be with her again. I know most of you out there reading this will probably say that there's more girls out there, I know, and after countless hours of therapy, dating and well, fapping, I can tolerate living.
I ended up graduating a little late, in the winter rather than summer with my class, and I got a full scholarship for agricultural development in a state far away. I went to college for about 2 weeks until I was notified the foundation funding my scholarship went bankrupt and I had to go back home.
As soon as I came back, my mother ended up getting kicked out of her home of 12 years, putting us on the streets until we ended up moving in to our cousins house, which I lived in a small closet, and the house beyond full capacity. (I was the only guy out of 13 women and girls) I worked 2 jobs, working outside and in a restaurant for a while, and was able to help my mom get a new home for her and my sister and I'd work on getting a place on my own. I succeeded, but still felt lonely, and I made the mistake of letting people live with me, who ended up really fucking me over really bad. On the upside, I got a even better job, and started making good money, but I still felt empty.
One night, coming home from a meeting in a uber, I got recruited to be a male escort by my driver. I thought I'd be a good opportunity to meet women and it was okay at first. I trained with experienced female escorts for a few months, learning tons of bedroom skills and made a few of my own, but after becoming popular with clients, things got really really out of hand, and I ended up quitting there, which cost my "boss" alot of money, and he tried hunting me down many times. I had to move again, and honestly, none of this was what I signed up for at all. I just wanted to love someone for more than just sex, which became impossible to do because women I dated and had sex with only wanted that, not an real, beneficial relationship, and my problem at this point was sex felt almost bland to me by this point. I could still get hard, but I guess I have yet to meet my sexual equal. I ended up getting deep into pornography and masturbated just about every day or even multiple times a day just to feel "released" I got so used to it, I masturbated impulsively whenever I thought about it. It was only until 10 days ago I decided to stop fapping, which now and only now I had bravery to share this.
I just want a loving, fulfilling and happy relationship, and I've taken so much pain just to get small steps in life. I wanna run, and feel free. I wanna help make the world better, despite circumstance. I just have no application and well the ongoing fight to keep from masturbation, which is seemingly my hardest challenge yet.

 

Thanks for the encouragement guys, my bad for not using any tags :/
I honestly thought this thread would sink to the bottom among other unnoticed threads, and I had given up for here. I spent the time from then and now trying to figure out and justify which was the right path to take dealing with this problem. I ended up relapsing, only because I was left socially isolated for about a week, and I was curious to see the effects firsthand. Initally it was like finding a cold cola after wandering the desert for a week without anything else, however after that release, I felt weakened, so weakened I couldn't even move. After that I decided to not do it again, only to end up doing it again later the next week. I really want to quit. I'm capable of quitting, but because I live so far away from the city, and women in the area are all (or mostly) taken, PMO is literally a succubus that loves to stick around and do her best to seduce, get me "off", then leaves me feeling drained, only to come back again with her temptations later.
I'll do everything I can to keep myself occupied, but from how this feels, just the crippling sounds of being in a house all alone and the sound of a running a.c. is all I have other than PMO. I work and I clean. Anything in between is either rare or just boring. I know y'all will say, go outside more, but there's literally nothing in this country town. The closest city is a good 2 hours away, and I don't know hardly anyone, being new to this area.
Also, I've never heard of ayahuasca, I'll check it out!