1y

Hola. I made it. I made myself instead of doing myself. I'm one year clean. I registered one year ago. I deleted my xham account one year ago. I've been dreaming of tonight, so many times. Weirdly I don't even feel like crying, I thought I would. I know what I've been through... And let me tell you, I have reasons to be proud tonight.

So as Lana'd say, let's go back to tha basics: I'm 20, cis girl, firmly Catholic, panromantic, bisexual but straight for religious reasons, been addicted to both pornography and masturbation for two and a half years, had two suicide attempts because of the religious guilt, been diagnosed depressive and in day hospital for several months, strong bipolar tendencies even though no diagnostic, my parents knew of my addiction after a year (I explained them by the help of my aunt) tried to quit for two months in a forced way and failed miserably, quit cold turkey by my pure, absolute, God-induced decision, succeeded.

I was not addicted to the hardest of the porn, but was more and more digging into deeper stuff, especially stuff that as much as it aroused me, was absolutely contrary to my true beliefs. I do still love porn. Because I'm panromantic, I find myself incredibly attracted to some pornstars, and gay porn still is the best and worst thing of pleasure I've ever witnessed. I'm a fanatic, a real fangirl, a stalker, a psssssyyyyyyycho. I'm in love with girls I've never seen. I love some boys of my class but they're either gay, taken, both, uninterested, or way out of my league. But I'm still super hopeful and I blindly trust God on this. Quitting PMO was the best of the best of the best things that ever ever happened to me, because it made me understand what is respect. Respect also is called love. It's I believe the basis of the universe (ok, I'm being Catholic here, sorry guys). Anyway, by unlearning that freedom is synonym of doing what you what, by unlearning that pleasure is happiness, I've matured ten years at least. And I've learned so much more beautiful things instead. That I'm a human being, for example. That I'm worthy, just for the fact that I'm human. That I deserve to live. And that my body is not my worst enemy. It's a good ally. I still have lotta trouble dealing with it, but it's a gorgeous process, and there is nothing that makes me feel more alive. I ran a 10k this year... Woah.

My life has been a rollercoaster this past year. I mean, just read my journal, my whole life is blatantly exposed here and I'm happy with it. But as much as I find myself irresistibly drawn to my old habits (or past life, as you also can call it), and it's a struggle of every instant, the progress I've made cannot be put in words, and the rewards can't either, because I'm honeslty totally baffled I'm not dead yet because of happiness, I am convinced I should have had a heart attack because of long-term happiness. I'm not talking about bliss or ecstasy here, I hadn't had a conscious self-inflicted orgasm in a year. I'm talking about true, pristine happiness.

I could talk about the results for ages and ages. But I think it'd be more intelligent to work towards my dreams instead of longing back in the past. I always fall in love with ghosts haha.


So I freaking well earned my rocket godamnit! And please please please AMA, I can't tell you anything about PIED or PE, but I'll answer with all my heart.

I'll never ever ever ever ever PMO ever again.

I do this for ME. With the help of God, with my Grandma's spirit, with my parents and friends love, but at the end of the day, I'm doing this for my own happiness.

 

Thank you so much guys, it means the universes to me, I'm currently blacking out of joy

 

100% complete, finally, thank God.

FF123 I love you man. You were here for me since the very beginning. You're by far one of the most supportive guy I know and you deserve all the support in the world. Congratulations for the porn streak, you'll see the three last months go by so quickly you'll be here before even having the time to wonder what's happening. And you're so close to reboot!!!!

Galaxim brother, you know what I think of you! Once again, you're 100% right. Indeed, having crushed this gives me an inner power that makes me positively invincible. What do I have to be afraid of? No freaking thing in the world. There is nothing to fear, seriously, and God bless you.

Wishing you all an amazing day! I'm having a super chill celebration day, alone at this rented home by the seaside, with beer chocolate and hummus, trackmania and lana's interviews, I'm working on a new project on the side for school, I'm honestly happy.

 

What can I say that others have not already said? You are a bright light for many who are here in darkness. Keep shining.

 

You guys are the air that I breathe.

I forgot to add some details - I had around 12 wet dreams during this time, mostly because I love to arouse myself, I'm a strong supporter of "wet dreams are hella awesome", for me it's nature giving me a big hug, it's a blessing, I don't hate orgasms I love them too much that's why I quit, so I don't know why I'd be annoyed if I had one upon waking up, afterall if I relapse I'm the only one to blame.

I also rebooted around 6 months, not 3 like most people do. Again, it's because I've been reaaaaally loose with my triggers. I refuse to act like as if I hated porn. Fuck porn, it ruined my life, but boy do I love it, it's the only tenderness I know. If you're not willing to make it more difficult to yourself, if you're not ready for that, I'd highly suggest you to be much, much more strict with yourself regarding your triggers than I was. You know the difference between what's good and bad. Not only porn is porn. If you have a fetish like me, you know what I'm talking about. I have three fetishes.

I've gained ALL sensitivity, EVERYWHERE. Hahahahahaha it feels sooooooooo good saying this!!!!!!!! I'm aroused by everything it's awesome!!! Like, not only my genitals of course, which are now as sensitive as they were when I first masturbated, but all my erogenous zones are gorging with life. There is hope guys, what can I say, it's the best feeling in the world. I feel that my body is no longer disconnected from my emotional capital. When I love something, I don't just love it for pleasure, or at the contrary, just love it romantically and am disgusted and feared by the physical aspect of it. It's an harmony, it goes together, it's all one. It's beautiful and gorgeous and makes me like, 100000% more feeling human. It also reconnects me to religion in an infinitely much deeper fashion than what I would have thought. Just this; this kind of respect for my own life as being a creation for God; as being valuable as a creation from God. Sex is beautiful, I've never had it but I believe in it. Porn is fake, pleasure for pleasure makes me as uncomfortable as art for art's sake.

I think I may have forgot still some stuff I wanted to say... I'll add them if I can remember them!

Thank you again, you all give me life.

 

Thank you! Haha it definitely will, because I do not plan on dying soon (at least not before I see CocoRosie and Lana live), and I refuse categorically to relapse before I die (afterwards, I'm not promising anything)

 

God bless Anne.. I like your style.