Anxiety + Dating = Brick Wall

What do you think is causing your anxiety?

Lack of experience? Lack of knowledge about her and how things work in reality (fear of the unknown)? Not knowing what to say and how to act? Stuck in your head and too concerned about not making a mistake? Emotionally attached to a specific outcome and not being able to handle the possibility that it might not work?

Your anxiety is preventing you from expressing yourself honestly. Which means you don't think who you are as a person is good enough to interact with others. Fear of failure and rejection causes you to become a perfectionist. If you don't act, behave outside of your routine / outside of the norm, say anything, or take any risks, then you can't fail or be rejected, but you also can't succeed or be accepted. If you're not comfortable with losing, then you won't ever have a chance at winning.

Your concept of "how it's supposed to be" says that you can't fail, be rejected, or behave in an imperfect way. How it really is in reality is that not everything works out in life, not everyone will be interested in you, and you have to start out insecure and incompetent at something outside your comfort zone before you gain competence and confidence at it.

You have to figure this out. You can't just keep escaping the problem. Working towards the person you want to become and the life that you want to have has to be more important than the possible pain, problems, and negative experiences of the scary, difficult, and uncertain things you know you should be doing to get there.

You're too concerned with all the things outside of your control (her reactions and any possible negative outcomes). You're not focusing enough on the things that are inside your control. You have to place more value on what you want. That's your business and meeting life and other people half way. Rather than focusing on all the things that aren't in your control. The rest is up to the external. It's when you try to go beyond that half way point that gets you into trouble. It's trying to own and control all the things outside of your control (trying to control other people to fit into your concept of "how things are supposed to be"). When your how it's supposed to be concept or story clashes with how things really are in reality... that's what causes tension / anxiety / fear.

 

Also... that brick wall (anxiety + dating) that you stated in your title of this thread.

That brick wall didn't come out of nowhere.

You built it. One thought, feeling, and behavior at a time. Placing one brick at a time throughout your life and eventually you had a wall. A wall that you kept reinforcing every time you allowed this anxiety to prevail or even worst you escaped and avoided the problem all together.

The more you escaped or neglected the problem in your life... the bigger and stronger that wall of anxiety got... the harder it was to face it.

The question is, what kind of wall will you create from now on? What thoughts, feelings, and behavior will you place one at a time starting now?

Take down that current brick wall one brick at a time and create a new wall.

It will be hard, but only because you reinforced it and neglected the problem for so long. If you don't start now, think of how much bigger that wall of anxiety will become 1 / 5 / 10 / 20 years from now.

 

Hi Lee, I am in a similar spot in my life. In my mid-30s, never dated. I'm not sure I agree with Elevate's tone here, as he/she gave me similar kinds of responses in my own thread about this issue. If you are like me, then you have already thought of all of these things that Elevate has described. What kind of personal stories does Elevate have to share about his/her own experience? We don't know. All we get is being analyzed, from some self-appointed God with a very high Likes Received-to-Messages ratio.
Have you checked out dating coach videos on YouTube? That has been helping me so far. Plus attending Meetup groups where I am forced to confront my social anxiety and step out of my comfort zone. You sound like you are at least more experienced at dating than me. Also for me the thought of "focusing on the process and not the outcome" is very comforting. So focusing on the actual skills of dating instead of "getting the girl". For example you may be able to at least practice some dating skills with this woman you like, while acknowledging that in the end she probably won't be "the one". Then give yourself credit for the things (steps, or skills) you did well. And move on to the next girl, and keep getting better. That's how I am now approaching it.
(BTW I don't mean to beat up on Elevate, but his/her approach irritates the hell out of me)

 

Have you ever asked for their advice about your experiences and problems?

What is it about being on a date that raises the bar too high for you in comparison to being around your female friends?

Is it because it's 1on1? Do you fear running out of things to talk about? Too concerned about what may or may not happen?

Keep figuring these little things out. The more specific you are the better of a chance for you to find a solution or at least some methods to get better with it.

It's good you have incentive to grow and change for this particular woman. It'll push you to do scary, uncertain, and difficult things.

 

I honestly think you shouldn’t take dating so serious. If you have the intention of having fun with no expectations it’ll make you feel more laid back and comfortable.

Just be yourself and hold your own.
Know if and when someone is testing you and act accordingly.

Otherwise if you find the other person to be receptive, then you’ve got it worked out.

You just gotta figure out how to be yourself and apply that in all situations of life. Maybe you’re comfortable around certain people, but when it comes to strangers or women you act different. Learn on breaking that barrier and being your genuine self all the time.

Dating is no different. You don’t (or shouldn’t) put on a mask and wear that mask when it’s “time to go on dates”.


What exactly is your goal? Just to have a successful date? Or are you looking for a potential partner?
(I’d say start small)

Also ask some friends for advice.

 

Practical great advice

 

All those things are pretty much dead on good advice the most important factor is learning what’s in your control especially when stepping out of your comfort zone

 

Anxiety does this to me as well. I don’t pick up on social cues very well. I find it hard to know when a girl is generally interested in me. My defences go way up. It’s like a ship on Star Trek going into red alert with the shields up ready for any attack.

Overcoming anxiety is a fight that can last a lifetime. I have wasted so many opportunities because my anxiety made me defensive and I hid my emotions from the girl. Or failed to ask them out. Like that time when there was this girl who worked in a supermarket. I went there to buy lunch daily. I think she could tell I liked her. But because of anxiety I did nothing. And one day I was in the queue I went to her cash machine and she ran away and turned her back. A bit embarrassing I guess she was fed up of me not making any moves. One of her colleagues had to take over...

Or like that time in a previous job when I was attracted to a girl. Again I didn’t do anything. She used to smile when I checked her out but then she just looked sad. Probably because I didn’t do anything past staring at her...

And also on another occasion when I was in a store looking at food to buy for lunch. There were these girls at the cashiers staring I think. Intrigued to know if I would buy something and then go over. They might have wanted a conversation. I picked up on this and ejected myself left the store I could feel anxiety building like a panic attack... When I left I could over hear them saying “awww” like they hoped I would buy something and not just leave...

I have too many of these damn failed approaches stories. Damn you anxiety! I suck at approaching but excell at online dating for this very reason. With dating apps you build rapport before you meet. And there is no approach anxiety. So when you meet you already know they are single, available and interested in you. Otherwise they would not show up. With approaches it’s a complete unknown. You don’t know what they think about you or if they are even single...

 

I know this is somewhat unrelated to the thread; but I also have this problem of vomiting when anxious and have never found anyone that has the same problem. How did you cope with this?

 

What medication are you using? I currently use beta blockers which are quite effective and have little/no side effects

 

I have bad anxiety but i'm dating again. Also using beta blockers. Seeing some huge changes with this reboot and its not even 90 days yet. Need to write another story. Lots of attention from girls when out. And a high volume of messages coming from my dating apps.

 

Good to hear! If you want to talk about anxiety anytime just message me