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I need help

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Dead inside, Sep 14, 2018.

  1. Dead inside

    Dead inside Fapstronaut

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    I lost the woman I've loved and lived with for four years because of my problems. I suffered sexual abuse and neglect as a child and my crutch was pornography. I know I have a lot of amazing qualities, and for a time my girlfriend saw me for those and not my problems. I lied to her many many times for the first three years. Finally I decided I couldn't live my life this way and didn't understand why I was this way. I told her everything. I know it speared her through the heart. But she has known my history and I can't help but feel like when you just start to fall in love with someone, how can you be honest about something you're so ashamed of? I hadn't been able to orgasm from sex since I lost my virginity (a week before we met). But us both being young, I was able to "fake it". I told her this too. That's a lot of lying and shows that the man she thought she knew and loved was truly fucked up/a bad person. She stuck by me through counseling and said that she understood because of my past and knows that it has nothing to do with her. But I couldn't and can't let go of the guilt of what I'd done. I kept questioning her asking if she thought I was a disgusting person. And I couldn't keep the images out of my head and let them ruin our time together. She left me. She gave up. Now she says I fucked her up and she feels confused and bad about herself. I love her so much how can I forgive myself for doing this? I just want to be a normal person. She got drunk and made out with someone the next day and she said it was stupid. But I understand because I sucked the affection out of our relationship. She said she loves me but how can I cope with being "that guy" in her life and to whoever she ends up with? I feel like I gave someone the deepest part of me and now they're gone and I feel even more ashamed because of what it has cost me. I still love her
     
  2. When did she leave you? Did she say she loves you after she left you? Is she with someone else now?

    I know these are simple questions for you complicated issue but I don't want to start talking before I think I understand the situation.
     
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2018
  3. Dead inside

    Dead inside Fapstronaut

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    She left me a week ago. I'm staying with a friend. I'm questioning who I am. I don't know what to believe about my life. I feel like even if I overcome this issue I'll be a freak to everyone I meet and I have to hide this part of my past. That I hurt someone over something so pathetic. That even having this issue is pathetic. I don't want to wear a mask everywhere I go, but I can't face the truth every day.
     
  4. The best thing you can do, I think, is work on your constant feeling of guilt. If she stuck with you for a year after you admitted to have been lying for the past three years then I don't think she left you because of your problem/s.
    You said you kept inquiring about it and it ruined your moments together. I believe that is what wore her down.

    Forgive yourself.

    Hold that thought.

    The world isn't over, not just yet. Go and exercise the hell out of your body. Destroy everything that keeps you from thinking straight with hellish exercise. -this is important

    Then tell her you wish to talk with her. She said she still loved you which makes me think she will agree to the talk.

    Then keep exercising like crazy until you meet with her for the talk. Nothing is more important at this point than clearing your head.

    I don't believe I need to tell you what to talk about. You will know it yourself when your head clears up.

    IMPORTANT
    You will lose everything if you keep hiding and don't confront it.
    Everything.
    Be prepared for any outcome.
    Go out there and start exercising. Not tomorrow. Now.
     
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2018
    guyinsideout likes this.
  5. Dead inside

    Dead inside Fapstronaut

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    I don't even understand the choices I made and what I was into and sought out instead of real sex with someone I love make me feel disgusting and horrible. Every time the thought goes into my head that I was addicted to pornography I try to find some kind of justification and I can't. I know there's a bigger picture but the choices I made were made by me. Every time it was me who pulled it up and watched it. I think the biggest thing is that I was in a relationship with someone who I genuinely loved and wanted to marry and I did all of these things and that person is left questioning wether they knew me at all. And I just want to hold her and tell her it's me! It's us! I am not all the things I did that hurt you :( on top of it all I'm worried what she will say about our breakup in her social circle. When she meets men will I just be a pathetic and gross dude she was with who lied and couldn't even have sex?
     
  6. Read my previous post again. What you are doing right now is suicide and I cannot help you, nor anyone else, if you do not want to help yourself.

    Feel free to ask me anything that you might not understand in the previous post.
     
  7. Samo1999

    Samo1999 Fapstronaut

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    I have felt like you feel and have found a way out. I sought out ppl on here that had a lot of time and found a forum that provides a list to go through to begin changing the way you live. If you want me to provide the link, let me know.

    Also you cannot do this for her. You have to decide to quit porn for yourself or your will fail. I have experience rebuilding my life. Reach out to me if you'd like me to share my experience with you.
     
    Who I want to be likes this.

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