30 something guy from India working towards nofap and a fulfilling life

Hello fellow fapstronauts,

I am a straight guy, introverted, in my early 30s, from India, with a simple outlook to life, taken to a quest for finding inner happiness and to contribute meaningfully to the world in my own small way. Porn has been keeping me from living the life I want. After several attempts to quit over the past couple of decades, partially successful over short intermittent spells, but dominated by longer all-consuming relapses, hopelessness, mundanity and defeatist attitude, here I am, with more awareness of the workings of the enemy, fully committed to disarm the enemy, with plans to replace my negative habit patterns, to reclaim my life from the jaws of enemy and live a positive life of true happiness. I know I cannot do it alone. I am excited to join the movement here, to give and seek support.

To give some background, I have been using porn from my early teens. It started with me getting hooked to soft porn as a teen, jerking off to sleazy songs and scenes showing (that are strewn all over Indian movies) on the tele when alone at home. I did manage to weed out the habit completely to focus on doing well in studies at high school and reaped great success. However, I had not quite understood the reasons why I was hooked to porn at the first place and how to make sure I din't fall prey to it again. I had managed to fully suppress my sexuality to do well in studies. The success in studies did trigger rewards in the brain, but I hadn't found a healthy way to embrace my sexuality, and more generally, a healthy way to stay happy and in control of life even when I wasn't on the top of the pack in school. So the demon rose again when I was in college. Being in a highly competitive environment where I wasn't on the top of the class anymore, not knowing how to manage my expectations in life, both in studies and in social life, often highly distressed and miserable, rather obviously, I turned to porn once again to experience fake fulfillment in life. With the growing presence of internet and easy access to b grade sensuous Indian movies, I resorted to it as a stress buster. I even managed to convince myself into thinking it was perfectly fine and healthy as long as I had it under check. Sure it is when under check, but before I knew, it was far from under check unfortunately. Fast fwd 5 years, I am a graduate, have a girlfriend, fairly at peace with who I am at a person, but still that annoying dependent on porn, increasingly hardcore porn. Fast forward another 5 years, as life would have it, change of locations several times, marriage, separation, etc. Alone once again, I find myself overtly reliant on PM, seeking the false fulfillment it gives as the only thing I look fwd to in life.

Only good news is that by now PM is a way too familiar foe. At an intellectual level, I understand the working of the chemicals in the brain better. Endorphins, dopamine, serotonin, the reason I go to porn. The importance of small rewards in life to keep going, the importance of not reacting to strong, impulsive urges and the fact that they do lose strength if we don't react, but also the importance of giving our physiology other forms of rewards to keep ourselves happy, etc. I spend less time alone at home and hangout, work from a coffeeshop instead. I meditate, and have created a space at home for meditation, as a safe zone where I can go when I have negative urges that I don't want to give in to. I do sports and work out at the gym, and the adrenaline rush calms my mind. I have my diet under check. This includes both physical food for the body (no snacks, only meals), as well as pixel food for the mind (starving the brain off its favorite pixel food, seemingly harmless but harmful random browsing, youtube / TV, movies, but listening to music, reading, instead during down time seems to help). As for work life, the nature of my work is long term projects with long periods of hard work, will few and far too intermittent rewards. This definitely contributes to me feeling purposeless in life and seek fake rewards elsewhere. So, my new strategy at work is to consciously set short term goals in my projects and accomplish them and give something to the brain in terms of rewards more frequently.

I am currently single, and not interested in dating for sometime to come. This period of my life thus naturally lends itself for a physiological reboot. What I need now is to put together a lengthy streak of abstinence to develop a distance from the old negative habit patterns of PM and instate other positive reward patterns. I haven't managed this in a long time. Way too frequent relapses. Part of the problem was that earlier, I wasn't convinced that man could go without sex for long spells, or that it was unhealthy to do so. Now, however, from reading several of the stories here on the forum, I know it can be done and perhaps has to be done for a true reboot. With the right awareness that I am only temporarily suppressing my sexuality in order to unlearn the negative patterns of the past, and to express it in a balanced and healthy way later on in life, I am convinced about the plan. Up to real task of executing it now! Hope to rush here to the forum here (and accountability partners) to seek support when I need to tackle my negative urges.

I look forward for a better, happier future without PM, where I am ready to take on greater challenges at work and to embrace a new partner in my life. I wish the best also to all fellow travelers on the path here.

 

Hi guys,

Here's my journal where I jot down brief updates on my journey from time to time.
https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/distancing-pmo.192578/#post-1657718

Hope to keep receiving your support in seeing through my challenges. Thanks.