Finding confidence and liberation as a Virgin

Intro
I was responding to someone here who shared a story how he was struggling with confidence being a virgin and my answer ended up evolving into a legit essay which I figure could be useful to other guys who also happen to be virgins like myself so I'm going to go ahead and just post it as a thread on it's own. This is a TL;DR post but I think it's well worth a look at if you're a both a man and a virgin and if you suffer from a lack of confidence and obsess over the idea of being a virgin like it is something that is shameful.

It's worth immediately mentioning that if you have this problem, you are in good company. A significant portion of the greatest minds, the greatest achievers, and defining men in history were all "virgins" who successfully used their lives and channeled their creative energy into things infinitely more valuable and lasting than short and forgotten sexual encounters. Beyond this, is the popularly held convention that being a virgin is inherently a negative thing - an obvious sign that an individual is a failure at life. Let's dive into just how utterly absurd and goofy this "argument" is.

The Modern Perversion of the Concept of Virginity, and the Central Error in its Philosophy

I believe the best way to deconstruct the false narrative surrounding virginity today is to simply just start asking questions. Why is virginity perceived as a failure? Why is "virgin" thrown around effectively as just an insult like "nazi" or "loser"? Well what first defines virginity?

A virgin is a literally a man who has never stuck his you know what inside a woman's front hole. That's it.

Now of course there is a deeper meaning to this, it's not quite that simple. How does one avoid becoming a virgin? Well, he does so by getting women to like him. What convinces women to like men? Just ask yourself, what about other people impacts how much you "like" them? How well they conform to your interests? How much they think like you? Do they say the things you want them to say? Do they give you things that you want? Do they do things you want them to do? The common denominator in most of the possible answers to this question all revolve around "you", which in the case here of getting women to like you, them. It's about what they think of you and how well you conform to it. Let's follow the anti-logic present here. If someone is a virgin, they are a loser because they have not obtained social approval from a woman who will not have sex with him because of so. Therefore men who do not have the approval of women are losers. "Victory" or winning is defined according to how well men in their lives are able to earn the approval of women. Just think about that for a bit.

It's reasonable to assume that the act of succeeding, winning, aka being a winner and not a "loser" plays a key role in having confidence in oneself. If, according to mainstream pop culture, one cannot be a "winner" unless they have had sex, then he has no right to be confident in himself. Essentially, confidence is being defined as a result of having sex, which leads to the most important fallacy: confidence derives from a man's ability to please women and satisfy the demands upon which women are placing on him. The source of his confidence and pride as a man comes from women.

All of these things are inherently assumed in how the mainstream views virginity. The word itself has been reduced to an insult, just a substitute for loser. The most ridiculous thing about this though is the criteria for it all. We are all expected to receive our confidence from how other people, and worse - women, think of us and value us as men. We are expected to focus all of our energy into conforming to the standards of women and generally average/low quality people who make up the bulk of our peers, and we are thus are left with no energy to pursue their own true needs and to do what is best for US as free men.

We have it all backwards. The truth is Confidence is the natural residue of a man who has found for himself meaning and purpose in his life and who tirelessly pursues that purpose to the best of his potential and resources. It is not the result of petty, small minded women giving us permission to call ourselves "real men" by giving us access to her front hole. A man should not primarily derive his confidence from the approval of average people and especially women. Here's the kicker:

Women as a species fundamentally LACK confidence, this was nature's intent, and is a trivially observable fact. They are naturally and visibly insecure, self loathing, and neurotic. They have a much stronger biological need to seek out attention and approval of others to satisfy their innate lack of confidence, thus they generally focus their full energy into their appearance and social skills(the 2 things that are the most essential to secure a man whose own natural surplus confidence will balance out her lack thereof, and who will protect/provide for her), and define their entire lives according to what their friends and society are pushing the most loudly on them. All of this stems from the basic fact women biologically depend on being included in groups and having men for confidence and survival. Women are born with lack of propensity for confidence in order to create another strong survival based incentive for them to seek out a mate, just as men are born without the ability to bear children as a strong incentive for them to seek out a female for the survival of their own genes. If men and women did not fundamentally need something from the other, they would have zero reason to interact with them. Once you begin to understand the nature of women, its easy to see how immensely foolish it is for a man to believe he needs women in his life, or their approval, for him to be confident and satisfied with himself. Depending on women for confidence is like asking a morbidly obese cancer patient for diet/health advice.

The concept of single lifestyle and virginity being incompatible with confidence is a profoundly female way of thinking and is the exact opposite of how a man should think. Quite to the contrary, a single lifestyle is a golden opportunity for a man to be extremely productive and to focus all of his sexual and creative energy towards building himself up and achieving great things, free from the limitations and demands of women. This is a time men should cherish while they can, it is not something to be feared and seen as a source of inferiority.

In reality, it is the people who use the word "virgin" as an insult who are truly the inferior ones. These are people who are both moral and intellectual cowards, men who ultimately define themselves according to the infantile standards of women whose thinking is almost entirely emotional and devoid of purpose that is not simply biological, like the need to eat or use the restroom. These are people whose primary concern is sex and pleasure - ultimately they are selfish people who spend their energy only pursuing their selfishness. This is not confidence, it is arrogance, and extreme ignorance. They typically care little sort of things where true confidence comes from - a man's deeds, his purpose in life, and understanding of his own self worth and that of the society he is a part of.

The real shame is that prior to the 1960s, virginity was something that was universally held in high esteem as a sign of good judgement and moral character. People understood that it took immense discipline and self control to regulate one's urges and wait until marriage with a woman before being intimate. The act of sex itself had substantially more meaning and value as a result, it was not reduced to being a cheap pleasure like drinking or doing drugs, it was something people worked long and hard to get and when they finally did it meant something very special. It is difficult to get this same experience today and there is enormous social pressure for people to lose their virginity as if it were a tumor or some disease. It's become a "rite of passage" in order to be a man but understand that this is a perversion and a lie. The truth is, virginity is something truly unique in the world. It is something you can only have once, and it can only be given to one person - ever. How many things can you think of exist in the world that have similar rules? Why would you deliberately and as quickly as possible throw away something so profound on some cheap whore who you barely know? A man who preserves such a special gift for a woman of quality, the one in the world who should have it has not demonstrated ineptitude or weakness, but instead great wisdom. Men who do this consciously and willingly understand that a man should not lie with a woman he is not willing to die for. The ability to wait for and find such a person is not the mark of a loser, it is the pinnacle of self discipline and manhood, the kind of manhood that the truly great men of not long ago were made of.


The Solution for Being a Confident Virgin/Single Man
As men, our confidence naturally comes from brotherhood, good health, and creative work. We desperately need passions, interests, and sense of understanding of our world and purpose in it. Men are instinctively driven to be independent, to build, create, explore, and constantly push the boundaries of our capabilities. We are not designed to be like dogs who need the approval of their masters of how to behave. WE are the ones who have always been, and who should be defining these ideas and standards. There is a reason why almost every significant discovery, invention, and achievement that has ever been accomplished has been done by men, many(if not most) who were not "with" women or who prioritized them. We have incredible, almost limitless potential as men. There is almost no real thing that a man truly needs a woman for other than the procreation of his genes. It's one of the reasons why men can be fertile well into their older age, we are biologically designed to be able to put off women/procreation in order to focus more of our younger, more productive years to working on creating and achieving things instead of spending all of our energy seeking a mate.

This fact should be a huge relief to many of us "virgins" who are in our 20s and 30s. The reality is our sexual marketplace value only increases as we get older, more skilled, wealthier, etc. For women it is the opposite, their SMV peaks in their 20s and then its all downhill from there, thus there is immense pressure for them to find a mate quickly, hence why they focus so much energy on issues relevant to that task such as being socially acceptable(politically correct, trendy) and having high sex appeal. As men we do not have this problem, we can literally put off finding a mate as long until our reproductive organs stop functioning, and we do not have the same survival based needs to include a woman in our life. The overall concept is this:

>confidence is a fundamental prerequisite in order to be happy
>women depend on male and societal approval for both confidence and for survival individually and regarding their future
>men possess natural confidence in themselves (it only needs to be produced through creative work and passion) and do not depend on women for their survival as individuals
>men only depend on women to secure their future genetic survival

Of course I am not saying a man cannot gain or should seek emotional comfort that comes from relationships with women, but these things are unnecessary for achieving true confidence and are secondary to our survival. We have to start with the basics first. Secure basic survival needs, health, and confidence first, not women.


Your solution is this: Find yourself real passions, take care of your basic needs, and only hold yourself to objectively high standards/role models FIRST. The woman problem will cease being a problem by definition to begin with and it will solve itself afterwards anyway.

Spoiler: step 1

1. Find interests and passions that motivate you as a man and channel your creative energy

Spoiler: step 1

This is probably the most important thing. As men, we have a natural tendency and need to absorb ourselves in passions of some sort for us to be productive in. This can be a job/career, hobbies, the pursuit of high art, knowledge, building something just for the sake of it, investing in your community, etc. There are almost limitless options, but one that should be prioritized is to find something your are passionate about and then apply that to your job. This should probably be the first issue you work out. If your career is something you are not passionate about and metaphysically invested in as a man, you NEED to change it. I know that is probably easier said than done, but the good thing is it should not be like trying to find 1 needle in a haystack. We all have several talents and things we can be passionate about, you just need to find one of them and get a job that follows it. A man needs meaningful work, work in and of itself is not good enough to make us happy or confident.

I dealt with this for a while when I was wasting time in college studying different things. My big focus was on subjects with high paying career options and not so much interest, as a result I did poorly and had to drop out ended up wasting a lot of time. To say the least my feelings during that time were very un confident and I felt very empty and purposeless. I eventually decided to get a lower paying career doing something I enjoyed more, so I went to culinary school and now I work in a restaurant. The job is harder than sitting at a desk in the cold AC 8:00-5:00 everyday, but I don't hate it and I'm able to create and enjoy myself a bit.

Find your interests. For me I would have this list to choose from: History, politics, philosophy, firearms, food, culture, architecture, cosmology, wargames, gaming/computing, etc. There's all kinds of careers I could choose with these, like being a teacher, scientist, game developer, game store owner, firearms instructor, gunsmith, chef, food truck guy, etc. Pursuing my interests has played a tremendous role in me finding confidence and purpose as a man despite not having a woman. I always have something positive to engage in focus on whether it's reading, learning, keeping up with the major issues and world around me, training with my firearms/going to the range, cooking new things, etc. The lack of a woman in my life is hardly a thought because I have plenty of other things to invest my energy in.

Spoiler: step 2

2. Take care of your basic needs

Spoiler: step 2

Yes, I know sex/women is a "basic need" but it's certainly the least important. This is counter intuitive only because our brains focus so much energy on securing procreation for survival of our genes. However none of that matters or is possible unless we are alive and healthy first and preferably not succumbing to depression and then killing ourselves...

Your most important basic needs are good health, the ability to be self reliant, and personal interests.

Health is the most important thing here, but do not make the mistake of thinking health is simply defined by body weight and fitness. Health is three dimensional. You need to maintain proper physical, mental, AND spiritual heath. The third is especially important and often the most neglected.

Physical health is pretty self explanatory. Good diet- avoid processed and unnatural foods. You are what you eat. Do not make things like fast food, junk food, pre prepared foods, energy drinks, cigarettes, etc common things your consume. Try to make meals fresh and use organic, wholesome ingredients. A good rule of thumb is if it comes in a can or a box, it is probably not good. This of course is extreme, but it's a good concept to understand. Consuming large amounts of what I listed literally poisons your body and will make you more tired, depressed, and unconfident. Our bodies were not designed to consume all of these unnatural things.

What most people will probably not mention is the absolute need for men to maintain healthy testosterone levels. Testosterone is what literally and biologically makes a man a man and it is extremely directly related to confidence and the ability to attract mates. Your activities and diet largely affect your T levels so you want to avoid foods that contain Estrogen like meat that has been treated with hormones, soy, etc. One of the big reasons why having a career and activities that you are passionate about is crucial is because those things have enormous potential to increase and maintain testosterone. Doing meaningful, creative work, whether it's actually physically working out, mastering a skill, or whatever, builds testosterone in a man and keeps your T levels high. Watching TV, doing drugs, binge drinking, etc does the exact opposite.

I'm no psychologist, but I can confidently state mental well being largely is a result or good physical health and lifestyle. Much like you are what you eat, your mind is defined by what you put into it. This means if you are watching junk TV shows that promote unhealthy and anti social behavior, listening to trashy music, you are filling your mind with trash and it will begin to take on the negative traits of that which you are filling it with. This is where reading good books, watching only TV/movies/videos online that have a positive message(note this doesn't mean the movies can't have negative themes like war/violence/drug use, but that they should not be promoting these things as positive and glorifying them), listening to uplifting and positive music, etc is helpful.

Avoiding drugs is obvious enough, and I would also say this includes things like opiates/anti depressants. In order to avoid depression the answer is to strike at the root cause and have things in your life that fulfill you, not to depend of chemicals and artificial "solutions" that only introduce 5 more problems after covering up the first.
Lastly social engagement is definitely important. It's important to foster a healthy relationship with one's family, quality friends(more on that later), and engage with other people in some way even if its just online at places like this. Extreme solitude and alienation are almost always fundamental causes behind individuals going "insane" and then either killing themselves or others, or just becoming hopelessly depressed.


Now spiritual health is the certainly the least understood of all. You do not have to be "religious" in order to possess good spiritual heath but it definitely helps to be. I myself am a Christian, Catholic to be specific but unlike many from my community I do not reject nor deny the wisdom and truth to be found in other religions. In fact, when you examine most of the major religions it's easy to see they all almost exist for the same purposes and are seeking the same goals: enlightenment, self improvement, and understanding the struggle between order and chaos. What you HAVE to have is a life philosophy and an understanding of your existence, what purpose it has, and what it should be directed to. We are taught all kinds of information: mathematics, science, how things work, how to do a certain job, whatever. None of this has any meaning on its own and they are doomed to not satisfy us on their own. Our lives and world do not just exist in a bubble. Everything has a reason for being the way it is and a purpose for existing, and either continuing to exist or being necessarily opposed and destroyed. It is our responsibility to discover the "whys" of our lives and then direct our actions accordingly.

Regardless of how that is done, it is vital that we do so otherwise we are doomed to succumb to nihilism and become slaves to materialism and our basic instincts/urges. You need to discover and define a higher purpose for your life beyond just existing: getting up, going to work to make a bunch of fake money that is literally only worth the paper its printed on, and then consuming on sex/alcohol/entertainment/etc. only to have to repeat the process again. Having interests that you are passionate about is a great thing to help create a purpose for yourself, whether that's bodybuilding, writing a novel, doing some kind of project. etc. Family, and by extension, nation, in and of itself is a meaningful thing to devote the self to. This could be taking care of your family members or your own children/wife. Love of family and nation is why many men join the military and dedicate much of their life to it.

My life philosophy is quite simple but effective: "We must secure the existence of our People and a future for our children." This has essentially been the driving principle of civilization for thousands of years and generations, each generation dedicating itself to preserving its traditions and the works of its hands with the goal of passing it down to the next and leaving them a better world, if only just a little, to live and prosper in. This millennia old trend was shattered (at least in the West) in the 1960s with the rise of mass consumerism, drugs/sex culture , and the overall collapse of the family and reduced role of religion in public life. We have all inherited a world that has been stripped of meaning and purpose and we have largely been reduced to an animal like state where all we seek is to satisfy our immediate urges while paying no attention to higher things. The only way for any of us to regain our spirituality and sanity that has been denied to us from the world today is to begin rediscovering that we are part of something greater than ourselves and that there is more to life than just consuming.

Pursue knowledge and spiritual enlightenment that you can use to form a life philosophy, then shape your actions and goals around fulfilling that philosophy. For me it's like this: in order to secure the existence of my people, I need to create a world and a country that is a positive and healthy environment for them to exist and grow in. That means fixing all of the nonsense, doing everything possible to bring all the excess, alienation, chaos etc back in to balance. Doing what I can to restore families and traditions that once made our world whole and lives meaningful. How can I do this? Well there are infinite ways, but the most obvious is to lead by example. I can start by improving myself, getting all my affairs sorted out, and then having a family of my own and raising them properly. Doing that means making changes to my life and building disciplines like eliminating PMO, building my career, developing skills and good habits, and getting more involved in my community. Whatever it is I'm doing in my life, I try to make it something that is advancing this purpose. I can tell you personally, it is the most liberating experience I've ever had. It's an enormous relief to know that wherever I am, I know why I'm there, Where I come from, I know why I'm doing it for, and I know where I am going in the future. Things like needing women, drugs, drinking, wealth/power/status items. etc no longer are a priority or obsession when I have this perspective.


Along with health, you need to develop a sense of self reliance. A proper, confident man should be able to secure for himself what he needs and not depend on the emotional whims of women or of his fellow man. Financial independence is key(which is largely related to and dependent on getting a good and fulfilling job), hobbies for entertainment and character building, securing a home/food for yourself, etc are things you need to get taken care of first and foremost before making women a primary goal. Even if you have all the women you could want, you will not be free or happy as a man without these things first.

Spoiler: step 3

3. Hold yourself to objectively high standards

Spoiler: step 3

When I say you should not depend on the approval of others for confidence, of course I don't mean other people don't matter at all. What does matter is that they are the best people, people of high personal and moral standards who will be a positive influence on yourself and will motivate you to be better instead of sink to the lower level of individuals of average/poor character. Just like you are what you eat, you "are who you hang out with" and I would add to that , you are the role models you choose for yourself.

This means you need to find real and strong role models. Sports stars (unless your goal is to become a professional athlete), many rich/powerful people, and especially TV stars and celebrities are objectively TERRIBLE and artificial role models who have unfortunately been heavily promoted to us. If you want to know if someone is a positive role model, look at what they are doing, not what they are saying. Look at their lives and how they conform to their stated moral principles. The vast majority of the "role models" I have listed are liars and frauds. They are wealthy and powerful, but many are drug addicts, are psychologically unstable, and profoundly unhappy. They are "good looking" but only because they spend millions on fashion items, cosmetics, artificial procedures, and have entire teams of people using advanced equipment and techniques to take their pictures and doctor them. They enjoy lecturing their fans about love and relationships, yet they are almost all serial cheaters and divorcees.

You will find infinitely better role models in people as simple as family members, parents (if you're fortunate to have good ones), teachers/mentors, soldiers, police, etc. Even better is the fact they do not have to be alive. You can find some of the best role models in historical figures, great writers, philosophers, religious gurus, and pioneers. The main point is, aim high not low. Find the people who are the best at whatever it is you look up to them for and learn from them.


Besides role models of course friends are important and need to be of high standard as well. This is a extremely common mistake many people fall in to. When it comes to friends quality is infinitely superior to quantity, and it should be sought above all. Just one true and honest friend of good character who will motivate you to become a better person is worth more than 100 fake friends who force you to sink to their level and make you pick up bad habits or just stagnate and never improve. Instead of worrying about whether you have a lot of friends, just focus on trying to first make 1 or two TRUE friends, the kind of people you could share your deepest secrets to and who you would take a bullet for - and I'm not kidding about that last part. I think this should be the gold standard of what defines a real friend(and worthy woman/girlfriend). I can freely admit I only have a few friends, but these are people of excellent quality who I can count on and are a genuinely positive influence in my life rather than a nuisance. These kinds of friends don't necessarily have to be ideologically identical to you, but they should possess(or are at least also trying to build) the kinds of qualities that you yourself are striving for. If you surround yourself with people with no ambition or purpose they will suck the purpose out of you and you will become more like them.

And last of all it's good to have ideals and high goals to measure yourself up to and direct your energy towards. All of these things are impossible to have in perfection, but it is very important to have them for inspiration and perspective. Things like:

Intelligence/enlightenment
good physical health
high standards of beauty
moral principles
having a sense of responsiblity
freedom
love

Understanding all of these things and putting it to action is no task that can be done all at once. Just take it a step and piece at time. I would say what is most important to get down first is developing a strong personal philosophy and finding things to be passionate and interested in that will improve yourself and work to bring out natural confidence in yourself. Once you have confidence you have the power to do almost anything as a man.