My All Out War On PMO

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for taking the time to read this post. I hope it can be of help to someone and I hope to gain some encouragement and education from those who have had greater success conquering this demon. First, a little bit about my background. I am 33 years old and began PMO when I was 13. I firmly believe that PMO has held me back in many areas of my life. I know that all problems in life aren't created by PMO but I know that this behavior negative effects, personality, perception, and how we respond to our environment overall. I fell pretty hard pretty early to this bad habit and I started to try to pull back when I was about 17. I would have seasons of abstinence (up to 3 months) and seasons of all out bingeing from then until now. One of the negative effects of porn has been how it's impacted my relationship with women. See when I was a 12-18 I had really, really, really bad acne; I mean really bad. It was so bad that my doctor, Mom, and, I were considering using a medicine that could potentially cause brain damage with extended use. Needless to say I wasn't the most socially confident person. So my sexual experience outside of PMO was nil. It was all PMO. Fast forward to age 19. My acne has cleared up. I'm definitely not going after girls because my confidence was still low. However, there were a few girls coming after me. The glorious day came when I had the first opportunity to enjoy a woman. You know what happened right? Right, PIED. Only I did not know anything about PIED. I only knew about ED from commercials. This happened twice with the same girl in the same week. I was devastated. I thought that I was cursed by God. This experience only lowered my confidence at a time when I was getting ready to move away to college. I thought I sucked. It made me not want to approach women in college for fear of failure in bed and the embarrassment that can come from it. Another big thing is that it made me feel inadequate among my male peers. Of course I tried to put on a front but anybody that paid attention could tell. So grappling with these issues I resorted to PMO not fully making the connection between the sad state of affairs in my life and PMO. I had two sexual encounters in college and they both ended the same way. Every other time I had the opportunity to have sex I avoided it. Why not? My ego couldn't take the hits. My intuition kicked in and I started to connect the dots between PMO and my life. In doing research I began to learn about NOFAP and the negative affects of porn. This is when things got bad because even in the knowledge I could not stop PMO. Even though I was not in the habit of doing it daily I never kicked the habit. 2 weeks off followed by 1 day binge. 1 month off followed by a 4 day binge. So on and so on until July 2018. I've been avoiding relationships with women for fear of PIED throughout all this time since my college days until yesterday. Now I've been PMO free since July 1st with a relapse binge on July 20th. Yesterday my frustration got the best of me. No, I did not PMO again. I wanted sex. Now I know that I have female acquaintances that would be willing sex partners but I was scared of the potential of PIED and the social embarrassment that can come from it. So I hit a local strip club known for their extra services and I was serviced by a stripper. Here was my logic. Perhaps, performance anxiety has been apart of my issues when it comes to women. So maybe if I have sex with a woman that I don't particularly care for and not seeking to impress I won't have the issues of the past. TOTAL FAIL! 1. I was not able maintain an erection or ejaculate (and she really was trying...smh) 2. It cost me $80 3. My self-image went down

I rushed out of that club in embarrassment and shame. One thing to note. All though that experience did not make me feel good. It did not drag me down into the depths of despair like PMO does. I did not PMO after this experience. I vow to never PMO again. That was the first time that I have ever traded money for sex.

I am a war with PMO and the affects that it has had on my life. I am pursuing a total change of myself as a man and in life. I am attacking this problem from all angles. Physical, mental, emotional, spiritual.

I am writing this because I need the therapy of putting this story out there, I want my story to be of help to someone else, and I will use this forum to share my progress and let you guys know what works and what doesn't. As I said I'm attacking this from all angles. Thanks for reading and your positive energy is much appreciated!

My first goal is to reach 40 days Hard PMO.

I will be doing other things so I will keep you posted. Talk to you in 7 days.

SC

 

Thank You!

 

Thank you!

 

First let me congratulate you on the amount of discipline that you've been able to show so far. I'm not sure about the connection between PMO and acne. It could be that there is a connection. I know with myself when I PMO I actually have physical pain in certain parts of my body and more recently I develop flu-like symptoms shortly after. I can't prove scientifically that there is a connection but i know that there is. Stay PMO free and continue to do what doing as far as exercising. Your acne will clear up. I noticed that you said you eat decently. As far as clearing up the acne diet was the most critical factor for me. Clean up your diet and your acne will clear up tremendously. Stay PMO free foreverbrother!

 

I'm still going strong so far although I've certainly had urges. I'll be posting an update this coming Sunday.

 

So I've made it to day 21 with no PMO. The urges haven't been that strong although I have been having more sexualized dreams. I've fallen down a little bit on the other aspects of my personal development. My reading has been somewhat consistent, my exercise routine has been less consistent, and I haven't been meditating or visualizing at all. Also, I've been haphazard in my work and my living habits until the past few days. I've gotten myself together mentally over the past few days so I've been able to better organize myself. At the moment I feel good physically. Emotionally I'm in a weird space. The night that I created this post I was at a severe low in confidence levels. I am feeling better and stronger than I did then but I am not there yet. The issue that's on my mind is I don't know where "there" is. I have been PMOing for so long I don't know what it is to be without for long periods of time. Right now as i'm in "war mode" I'm trying to reboot and rediscover myself. This is causing me to examine my past and just be extremely self-reflective right now. I want to be alone right now I really do. I don't know if this is just healthy and natural given the current state of affairs or if that's a part of me that is cowering and wants to retreat from the world. Keep me in your positive thoughts and prayers my brothers. I will update you next week with a more positive post hopefully. Posting in Nofap is a good form of therapy for me.

 

Day 28. I'm feeling good. Really good. I'll be back next week with more deets.

God Bless,

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Day 36. 4 Days until I reach my stated goal.

 

Brothers I have hit my original goal of going 40 days with no PMO. Thank all of you for your support and encouragement. I feel much better in mind, body, and spirit than I did at the beginning of this journey. My confidence and feeling of self-worth has increased dramatically and most important my faith that I will recover has increased dramatically. I've decided to go another 30 days with no PMO. In these 30 days I am going to focus more seriously on my personal development. I've been focused on it these past 40 days but I have had many slip ups and missed days. These next 30 days my program will be a whole lot tighter. A part of my personal development program is my exercise and reading program. Thank you guys again. I'll be posting again next week.

 

Brothers I'm feeling good. Since I know that this is a life long fight I'm not being overconfident and sloppy. But I am confident and that's what I want to talk about. When I say I'm not being sloppy what I mean is that I am still super-focused on keeping my mind off of sex. Not looking at women (although this is super hard in the gym...), not listening to sexually explicit music, not watching music videos if they're too sexual, no social media (unless you count Linkedin). Last night I was about to watch the "Wolf of Wall Street" again and decided against because it's too many sex scenes and sex talk. That's what I mean when I say I'm not being sloppy. Yet there has been something on my mind when it comes to sex. That thing is performance anxiety. I am concerned that when I get to the point where I am confident that my PIED has gone away I still might be affected by performance anxiety. Any tips in overcoming this for those that have gone through and beat it?

 

Good and getting better...

 

Not much to talk about but I'm going. Cheers.

 

Thank God I've reached this second goal. I did not complete this 30 days as I would like however. Although I did not relapse my disciplines were not tight. I'm not sure whether I'm cured of PIED yet or if I ever had it. My problem may only be performance anxiety. There is only one way to find out. I will go another 30 days hard mode with this go around being more focused on my other disciplines. Diet, exercise, personal and professional development. I'm a little bit pressed for time right now so I can't go into details about my experience over the last 30 days but I'll try to post in more detail next Sunday. Thank you everyone for all your support!

 

358 Days. That's strong bro!!!

 

Brothers,

I'm sad to say that I failed on the third leg of my challenge. I relapsed on Thursday. SMH. I met my initial challenge of 40 days. 2nd challenge of 30 days but fell on this last leg. I can attribute my relapse to the lack of control with other bad habits in my life. I noticed that when I eat poorly, don't exercise, and live haphazardly in general the tendency towards fapping increases tremendously. I am not happy that I relapsed but I am tooled up to go at it again. Like I mentioned in my original post this is a habit that I have been struggling with for over two decades and I am tried to rid myself of it for the rest of my life. This relapse is just a slight glitch in this reboot process. Also, I have grown. This relapse didn't launch me into the depths of depression as it has in the past. The anger that I had with myself for relapsing actually energized and excited me. This is a weird positive that came out of this experience. So, I am going for it again. This time my goal is for 60 days hard-mode. Here is a list of some other goals that I have set to keep myself in check during this goal period.

1. 60 days hard-mode
2. Weight Goal 208lbs (Currently 228lbs)
3. Save $5,000
4. Read 4 books
5. Attend a social function every week

Thank all of you for your support and your encouragement!!! Le'ts get cracking again!!!