Sex after baby

Okay. So you still completely believe you were in the right to make such a ridiculous judgmental claim on someone's life. Gotcha. Done with this conversation. If you think this man is not focused enough on his kid and wife, you need to go back and learn how to read, because hes giving everything to them, and all hes asking for is a tiny bit of respect and intimacy in return.

If you dont see anything wrong with the unfair judgement hes gotten here, then I'm done.

 

Yes in a way. In this case presented partially, lol.

 

Parents are allowed to think about things other than their kids. To say someone is a bad parent for thinking about sex is absolutely absurd. Hes not obsessing. He has very justified reasons to be upset, after taking care of his child all day and serving his wife and then being denied sex, but woken up in the middle of the night for his wife to get her fix whenever she wants. That's ridiculous. If a man were behaving that way, you would be first in line to tell him how selfish he is for not meeting his wife's intimacy needs.

 

No, I totally said I misjudged the OP and that's when I left the conversation.
I realized what was true of lots of men, was not true of THIS thread.

 

He wasnt doing that. At all. He expressed a minor frustration. That's an insane overreaction to someone expressing a minor frustration.

 

Yes, you did say that, and I said that walking away is not the same as apologizing. As predicted, we are going in circles, so I'm done here. Have a nice day.

 

Look I am sorry if I offended and that post to help intimacy goes for both partners but I directed to toward the Male to give to female because female gave Male a child... and she is healing...and I cant remember do we know if she knows about his addiction.... if she does then that could be a factor.

And I want to say I dont condone nor think it's okay for her to wake him up in the middle of the night for sex if someone is asleep...

Apparently that is a type of sex people have though and i dont want to judge.

Personally i like consent with sex and knowing sex is coming. So I can see the frustration if sex is only at night but then that requires communication.

Hey honey can you stop having sex with me in our sleep that doesnt feel good i rather us be awake and connected.

And then they have a conversation.

Communication if they are both Openly and Honesty communicating there shouldn't be this issue.

And as the person who gave birth... I understand the mens POV after birth because I felt like Jak gave all the attention to our baby and felt left out and like he had forgotten sex existed. So I get it, it sucks, but at the same time I realized there is a little child who needs our attention more than us having sex , hence the suggestions for showering together and having fun it's a good alternative if penetration isn't an option or if you dont have time for full on sex.

 

I think everyone is just trying to say what they see happening. In my vast experience of being a selfish a**hole, this is what I see.

So I see complaints, which are totally fine because they are non-judgemental and they don't point blame. His comment about "6months since...plummeted relative to before." is a complaint. Very valid, not mean at all, no blame, perfectly ok.

Now there is no place for criticisms from the PA. You cheated, deal with the consequences. His comment "But I hate that my wife has no desire...she just won't do it." is a criticism. It is judgemental and points blame. From what I see, and what I know, that is probably where people seeing that he isn't considering his wife's position. We can't make anything certain because we don't know how his wife is feeling after the pregnancy. However, from the viewpoint of the vast majority of women who birth vaginally, it is completely normal for a woman to not be ready for sex this soon after birth. Not to mention she could be hurt by the PMO. Disregarding pregnancy altogether, as a PA, six months is nothing for a SO to heal. You're obviously a good father and husband when it comes to the house and kids, but that doesn't do much for a partner who is hurt by betrayal. From what I hear in the critical comment @Ineedhelp321 you say you understand but it sounds like sympathy rather than empathy. I would say from that comment you are more interested in your need for sex than your wife's feelings because you're criticizing not complaining.

First of all, If my wife had decided to go into the FBI like she was thinking, she damn well better be a stay at home mom before she goes off for months to train. That's a long time she wouldn't be home and I'd have to be a lone parent. It's not like you're just getting a job. As far as I know, you won't be coming home for weeks at a time during training. That could be putting a lot of stress on her that isn't making her in the mood. So the lack of sex happened the first time you had a kid together? If it happened last time too then why are you acting surprised this time around? Especially when she could be in pain from the betrayal of PA. Personally, I just see a lot of factors being possible for her lack of sexual desire that you aren't thinking of. Which is exactly why people are saying that you aren't respecting what she could be feeling. It's just what we see from the information we have.

The word "cunt" is disrespectful no matter how or where you use it whether it's common or not. A guy calling their own girlfriend or partner a bitch is common but does that make it ok? No, of course not. It's wrong no matter what. Just because you were right next to her and with her through pregnancy doesn't mean at all that you know what she went through. "I was there, I held your hand so I deserve sex." Complete fallacy!

 

He clearly stated that she has sex with him, but only when she feels like it, in the middle of the night. Doesnt sound to me like she has any issue with vaginal penetration right now. Sounds like she just doesnt care about what he wants and is only thinking about herself.

 

Not what he said at all

 

Possibly, but it's more likely that this tells us that she is hurt by the PA and she doesn't feel comfortable with sex with him one on one. She is probably not ok with connecting with him and doing it when she feels ok, which happens to be when he's not present.

And that's what was implied. He mentions that and many other things and ends it with

Everything he mentions is because he's saying "I get it but why aren't we having sex." The only reason to mention being with her during pregnancy in this thread would be to justify his criticism of his wife's lack of drive.

 

Um, no. The reason he mentioned that is because he was forced to defend himself against an outrageous attack on his character with people acting like he has no sympathy or understanding of pregnancy or what his wife was going through. He didnt mention that immediately, only after he was put on the defense from rude, assuming comments.

We will just have to agree to disagree though, because we clearly have a fundamental difference in opinion on one thing, and that is that I think his desire for sex and frustration with not getting it is perfectly 100% reasonable. Especially given that his wife is fine with having sex on her own terms. Again, I firmly believe if this post was made by a woman, everyone would have responded completely differently.

Imagine for a moment that a woman came here and said that ever since she had a baby, she has been craving sexual intimacy with her husband, but that he wont touch her unless it's on his terms and that rarely happens. Imagine she said that she spends all day with the baby, taking care of everything so that her husband doesnt have much to worry about when he gets home from work. Imagine that, and heres the real kicker, she said that she wakes up with him inside of her. Wtf?? Since when is that not considered rape? If this were a woman saying this, I'm sure you all would be outraged at that statement. But it was completely glossed over, and you still manage to somehow blame him for his wife basically raping him. Its ridiculous. Double standards and hypocrisy all around, and I'm tired of it, honestly. This is why I hardly ever venture into the relationship section, because so many people here act like once a man watches porn and lies about it, that gives his wife free reign to basically treat him like a slave for the rest of their lives and only care about her needs. I'm tired of seeing that. I know some of these women are hurting, but not all of these men deserve the response they're getting, abs it sickens me to see so many men her just accepting that abuse and feeling like they deserve it. That's a classic example of an emotionally abusive relationship, and again, if the genders were swapped, I think more people would be as sickened by it as I am.

 

Men have needs too, and they need intimacy in a relationship just as much as women do. And from comments like this one, it sounds like that's exactly what he is craving. And people are acting like hes some selfish douche bag talking about his much he wants to get laid or something. No, he is a hurting husband with a heart who is desperately craving intimacy, through sex, with his wife. And yes, some people have given advice on other ways to have intimacy, but for some people sex is a very very important aspect of intimacy. It's how they feel loved and valued and close to their spouse. And I think it's unfair to shame people who feel that way and act like they need to stifle that because they're being selfish for having needs. Everybody has needs and deep desires. Not everybody can just turn off their desire for sex, and it's not just some physical act to everybody. For some it is much much more than that, and going without it for an extended period of time can be really hurtful and frustrating.

 

This is clearly more than just about postpartum hormones and drive. This is primarily about his addiction and her reaction to it, which he is failing to address, either out of willful ignorance or willful stubbornness.

 

I agree with this and relate, but I think we as readers dont know the full situation that's why I mentioned other avenues of intimacy.

I think it was @GhostWriter who talked about sex coming from intimacy... and sex is a form of intimacy and it's important for romantic relationships...

But I do have to say that we dont know a lot and as SOs I think those of us who have been in this for a long time remember that 6 months was nothing... especially if the PA wasnt in recovery (and we dont know much except that he hasnt masturbated in 6 months). So we dont know if he has put in the emotional effort to rebuild the lost trust...

And clearly her doing the sex at night thing is not okay, but he has to talk to her about it and set boundaries like sleeping separately until she gets that it's not a way to create intimacy.

Both parties need to communicate and compromise. But PAs need to realize that trust has been shattered and SOs most often feel betrayed and cheated, and SOs need to learn how to have sex with PAs without getting triggered... maybe that's part of why she has sex with him the way she does (not condoning it at all just trying to see where she might be coming from).

I know that there are parts of my sex life that forever have been tainted by my husbands PA and every time I've tried to incorporate it it just retraumatizes me.... so maybe they need to relearn how to have sex.... consensually, considerately. And compromise.

 

Is that how you would say that if this was a woman talking about waking up with her husband's penis inside her? That seems rather dismissive to me. Wouldnt you call that "victim blaming"? I agree he should have boundaries and communicate, but I think a little more compassion is warranted. Sorry, but that just strikes me as a dismissive way to address that admission. I was honestly jaw-on-the-floor shocked when I read that he wakes up to her having sex with him, because that's absolutely insane and would absolutely be considered rape in a court room, if it was a woman and she didnt consent.

 

@Castielle I don't mean to be dismissive, I honestly think she is very wrong in doing that. I hope that if he has spoken up about it she listens, but if not, then he needs to protect himself with boundaries.

As an SO and rape survivor, boundaries are essential to protect oneself from others doing harm. We can only control ourselves. It's never a victims fault for being assaulted, and it's never a victims fault for being tricked into a relationship.

In all honesty, I didn't know how to reply to it. I wasn't sure what his feelings were aside from annoyance and wanting her to have sex with him when he initiated. And as I said earlier, I know this is a type of sex people do have in relationships where they have sex in their sleep.... so I wasn't sure where he stood in regards to it. He never said it was rape, and he never said he fully enjoyed it. He seemed to be annoyed by it. And I didn't want to say, "Hey your wife is raping you, not cool, stay safe" you know...

For instance, my husband often refers to a sexual instance in my past that I didn't think about as.... oral rape... but... when he pointed it out I can see how he thought of it like that. I see it as sexual manipulation/coercion, but he saw it as oral rape. So... we saw it differently, and Iwas the one experiencing that... so everyone has their own sense of things, but unless we ask the individual their definition and experience of it, we won't know.

Personally I wouldn't want it or like it in my sleep, and I would consider it rape in my relationship. But again, other relationships have different boundaries, so I didn't know how to bring it up and address it without offending.

 

Be careful not to confuse complaints and expressing feelings...They are 2 very different things & the only person who knows which of those 2 it was intended to be understood as, threw deuces and skipped out of here after people kept making horrible assumptions about his situation.
Complaints: making a statement saying things really suck and expect an action to be taken to fix it.
Expressing feelings: means exactly as it states; no action or inaction is expected from person voicing these feelings

I mean this as nicely as possible...you just don't get it yet.
Criticism in marriage is poison, period. When any human is criticized, regardless of the hurt they've caused to others along the way, that doesn't negate the fact that it affects them. They begin to feel less than, which, is the complete opposite of how a healing SO should be making the PA feel.
Look at what I just quoted of yours and read it as: "Now there is no place for criticisms in the marriage. I cheated, I'm in recovery, and I will continue to better myself to support my marriage & help my wife heal".
You're not 5. The only "consequence" a PA should have, is the one he imposes on himself in the form of overcoming his own demons. Everyone is their worst enemy...PA's suffer enough in their heads; making you feel like shit because you didn't do back flips upon seeing your SO after work, is an example of a consequence that is so unproductive. Save the consequences for your children unless boundaries are affected.

The hell can I find this data at?????

This kind of co-dependent thinking is why you haven't been able to "get it", yet.
Life will throw you some curve-balls...you gotta learn to depend on you. Only then will you be what your wife needs. This works for the wife as well. She needs to have complete confidence in herself or she won't be able to properly heal.

I am so confused how you think the OP insinuated he was at all "surprised" at his wifes decline in sex drive.

She wakes in the night, mounts him, finishes herself off and discards him according to the OP. If this was a SO writing the OP, holy hell, would this place be on fire.
People are saying that he isn't respecting her possible feelings because "it's just what we see from the information we have" are so unfortunately hurt or brainwashed, they probably didn't even read what I just wrote in bold. Unfortunate, because it's a very important piece of information, right?

Common where?

I really do wish for you someday, to realize a PA has needs and feelings too....he never once said he somehow became superior and therefor deserving of sex because his wife had a child. That is your brain, reading it that way, because you still feel so unworthy.
It's quite sad to realize a PA hasn't realized his worth, because, inevitably, that's the key to happiness....

 

Question, if an individual cheats...aren't there supposed to be consequences to those acts??? You can't just lie, cheat,betray, and treat your spouse like trash and have no consequence.... the consequence is lost trust, your SO considering leaving, and having boundaries set for protection....

Go to whattoexpect and see all the wives who haven't been able to have sex anywhere from 3-6 months postpartum for varying reasons.

Not sure if you know but Jak is 24 and his old friend group..... there is a reason they aren't his friends anymore... the language they use to describe women... cunt, whore, slut, bitch, etc. it was astounding how they talked and expected to keep a woman with those degrading words.

 

Well, that we can agree on.

Completely agree. I've seen outrage over far less, when it comes to anything negative against women.