I Need a Second Opinion to Diagnose My Problem

What am I worrying about?
"I am worrying about my habit of using porn"

What is the problem?
The problem is I masturbate too much...I am suffering porn-induced erectile dysfunction, I am unable to enjoy fucking regular women, I am wasting large amounts of time searching for porn, I am numb to the simple pleasures of living and I can't concentrate on my projects because of my own sexual urges.

On reflection, I see that I've listed symptoms of my problem, but I still haven't identified the problem.

I think the problem, on second thought, isn't that I masturbate or watch porn--those activities certainly aren't helping, don't misread me--but the problem originates at a deeper level than what seems.

I use porn and masturbation to escape from a miserable, comfortable reality. What reality? That my lifestyle sucks, my choices are crippling me and that I hate my current circumstances.

So...what is the problem?

"Anything outside yourself, this you can see and apply your logic to it. But it’s a human trait that when we encounter personal problems, these things most deeply personal are the most difficult to bring out for our logic to scan. We tend to flounder around, blaming everything but the actual, deep-seated thing that’s really chewing on us."​

- One of my favorite quotes from the book Dune

I know it sounds absurd...but I don't know what the problem is. No, that's not exactly true either, but rather, I cannot define the problem clearly although I know a problem exists. And I know I am also unconsciously refusing to acknowledge the problem.

Confusing, right?

I need help--the help of a third party's perspective. I may not be able to pinpoint the problem precisely yet but by writing this all out I recognize there's a part of me that's resisting. I also suspect that "my problem" is actually a set of problems.

Without becoming overly emotional about the process, I want to quit porn and solve my problem(s) rationally. But I'm stumped as to where it all comes from. Why am I addicted/compelled by porn?

I would like some help, because I...I don't like where I am now, and I don't know how to change my bad habits by myself anymore. I'm loathe to admit it, but I feel stuck and alone

 

Thanks for your prompt replies...strangers? New friends? Not sure what the proper form of collective address I should go with. But in any case, thanks guys.

Let me address each of you individually, because I appreciate each of you taking the time to reply to me:


To ABCDEFGJIJKL:
Yes, I agree when you say addiction doesn't come from itself. There's some root issue I'm not aware of, or perhaps a part of me resists seeing. I'll read into your journal as I begin my research into ridding myself of my addiction/habit dysfunction to porn.

I don't know if I will turn to religion, but I do have some foothold in philosophy, particularly Stoicism. That philosophy led me to begin questioning and evaluating my level of self-control, which in turn pointed out my lack of it in regards to porn and masturbation. I am still searching for something more I can devote myself too, but at the moment, all I can do is keep searching and try to curb the bad habit. I don't really have any answers, just clues and cobbled-together attempts at an answer.

I might read up on the field of psychology again too, with what you've brought to my attention (Alongside philosophy, psychology was my favorite subject to study in school).


To 5adn8m8:
Your questions intrigue me! I will be jolting them down into my offline journal to answer privately, and when I am ready, I will return and share them here.

In the meanwhile, you are right on when you say it is scary. I can't precisely explain it, but I recognize I am afraid...of something. It's not a justified fear (like fear of being stabbed or shot), it's something I think is irrational (like public speaking or approaching a girl). Yet the fear is there. It's uncomfortable.

When I answer your questions privately, I know they will unlock something, because right now, I sense great resistance at the idea of answering them.


To WannaB.MD:
Yes, you are right. Your advice is most practical, and so I'm going to apply it first right now. I'm decided to attempt to abstain for the next 24 hours, in addition to answer the set of questions 5adn8m8 provided me.

I admit I am more than a little unconfident and afraid to abstain even 24 hours, but you are right. I need some clarity, I need to reassess my problems without the brain fog. I don't think I can reliably abstain longer than a day for now, but I think to myself "I must do something!"



Again, thank you guys. I feel a little less alone (even behind this computer screen). I will return to you within a day (or two), hopefully with better answers and clarity.

 

I'm back, guys. Like promised.

To 5adn8m8:
What is that one thing you find really hard to do?
I find it really hard to speak clearly about my problems to others. In person, I mean. Although, even now, behind the safety of an alias, I still feel hella uncomfortable speaking candidly about my private problems, the biggest one being this one about porn. I turn white at the idea of asking for offline help with my porn habit dysfunction/addiction. But I acknowledge that someday, I'm going to probably need to. At least speak to a therapist or something, if not to a family member or close friend.

What is it that you've always wanted to do but somehow you've always thought you can't?
Clichéd, but I want to quit my current job, go on a year long masculine quest, and return to retrain myself in a job that I can at least better tolerate. I really hate my current job, which adds quite a bit of misery and stress to my life, while also prohibiting me from freely traveling for long periods.

Do you have any dreams or goals that you find completely out of reach?
Well, I don't think they're out of reach, I just don't know how to get from A to B yet, but I do have dreams and goals. I'll spare you the long bucket list and summarize it by saying I want to live a strenuous, gamified lifestyle. I want to regularly go on self-planned adventures across the world in remote areas, introducing myself under a new identity. And when the quest is concluded, I want to return to work on my personal projects with minimal interference, as much as real life will allow.

Do you love your job?
Haha! Nope. Hate it.

Do you love what you're doing?
Sigh, I don't like the way I live and work now. It's annoyingly boring, and even with my boldest attempts to change myself and my circumstances, I feel as though I'm running in place.

Are you doing what you love or have you compelled yourself to live a so-called "safe and sensible" life?
Bingo, it's the latter. Yes, I fucked up five years ago when I elected to enlist, seeking to follow a (fairly) safe and secure careerpath. I realize my dreams and goals all involve figuring out how to sustainably deviate from the "standard life plan" my society imparts and live an unconventional lifestyle. And yes, I'm scared.

Are you ready to take risks or you're still too afraid to do so?
Well, I am scared but don't read that as "I'm unwilling to take risks." I'm going to take calculated risks. Indeed, I've planned and prepared that year long "masculine quest" I alluded to in an earlier answer. The tickets are bought and all I'm waiting for is to properly exit the military in less than two months. Thereafter, all I need to do is board the plane.

Still scared, though. I know feelings don't always listen to logic, even after I've prepared myself.


To ABCDEFGJIJKL:
You're right on again. I do have to find a "higher justification" for my abstinence (as well as all the other self-improving activities I engage in). Sometimes I feel I'm looking for it in a big dark room with just a dinky flashlight, but yeah man, I'm looking.

Thanks for the luck, but I sense I better need to be said, "Don't give up" in lieu of "Good luck."

I appreciate the sentiment anyways