Anyone ever visited dominatrix?

I think you should wait for your brain to heal from your porn addiction before making any decisions. If you've been addicted to porn for a while and have developed certain fetishes, only rebooting can help you figure out if they are porn-induced or not. If they aren't, you should talk to your wife about the issue and be clear on her definition of cheating. Anything else is up to you to decide.

 

I can understand that, but I think if you have already recognized the problem and are determined to work on it, you shouldn't be too hard on yourself and try to stay positive. This forum can offer you help and advice if you need it. Good luck!

 

I wouldn't tell her. Social programming is super strong and ideas of masculinity and femininity are pretty well defined. I think she might lose respect for you if you admitted that you have submissive tendencies. In your shoes, I would've completed the reboot first to realize whether the bdsm stuff is an artifact of porn use. After that, if you still feel those urges, go see a hooker.

 

Well, this attitude is basically the opposite of what Christian culture was about for hundreds of years. It could be the typical example of a failed revolution (in this case liberation), which results in either leaving everything unchanged or - in an act of defiance - changing everything to the exact opposite. But when you invert or mirror a picture, it is still the same picture. There's nothing won.

Really abstract and generalizing thoughts, I know, but - think about it.

Other than that, I agree with @AngelofDarkness. When I was single I always struggled with my desire to have sex with a guy. At some point of NoFap, I finally came to the liberating conclusion that I won't do anything I wouldn't feel able to confess to my future partner. Now I'm in an evolving relationship again and I feel glad I don't have to keep a secret like that in some dark corner in my mind.

Not sure about that, though. She's his wife. Shouldn't you be able to talk about these things in a marriage (after @CCJACK has become able to distinguish what his true self wants and what is porn brain wants), rather than considering your partner a pre-programmed robot?

 

I think abstaining from porn could at least be worth a try to see if maybe your sexual interest is reversible after all. And if it isn't, as you say, removing porn as an outlet for your fantasies could help you to forget about them and just focus on the physical intimacy with your wife, if you you are able to still feel satisfied without expressing your hidden fantasies. But I think whatever you do, you should always be honest with your wife, because she deserves to know (that is after figuring out if your fetishes are permanent or porn-induced).

 

If you can have sex with her, why not do so, but eliminate all porn and masturbation? Some, maybe a lot, of married guys do it that way.

 

Not sure how this would work, but I'm thinking about a different approach. Couldn't your wife think about this like playing a game ? Which it is ... Especially that you mentioned similar childhood games.

Also, you could be thinking about playing a game while sharing time together, talking about it. And I mean don't necessarily expect your wife to be the dominatrix you fantasize about.

Also, you don't need to play this game only when having sex, it can become a fun part of your everyday life. Without hopefully taking it over completely

On the nofap topic ... There is a good chance that your body can learn to react to your wife's body, without a dire need to satisfy sexual fantasies.

 

I never ever understood this fetish " oh yes please smash my balls and penis, it feels good"! Yeah no. Smh

 

What you're talking about above seems to be more about SM than domineering. If you wish to understand about that, feel free to PM me.

 

Hello. Although I'm gay and don't have a wife, a lot of your post resonated with me. Your struggle sounds similar to mine. Something I'm finding helpful is to allow all of my kooky desires to arise and float around like clouds, but without succumbing to the urge to "go to them" by looking at porn or seeking them elsewhere. If you think about it, we have all kinds of non-sexual thoughts and desires that we don't act on. If we're hungry, we say we could "eat a horse," even though we don't really don't want to do that. Driving to work, we might see a cool car and we want it (how about that new BMW 5 series?!) and we might even fantasize about what it's like to drive it, but that doesn't mean we blow our life savings on one or steal one. Instead, we might think, "Cool car. Maybe someday if I win the lottery or make a big bonus, I'll get one."

I dunno. It's still a struggle for me too, but I'm finding it helpful to allow the desires to flicker in my brain without (1) following them to where they want to take me or (2) attacking and banishing them like evil invaders.

Good luck to both of us!

 

I wouldn’t listen to that advice if I were you

 

I totally agree with Angel.

If our desires aren’t inline with our true morals it causes turmoil. I spent a long time trying to change my morals to match my sexual desires and it was impossible for me to do.

I’m still currently dealing with those desires of bdsm and kinky sex. It’s so engrained in me, so lots more healing to do.

But definitely keep doing the no PMO reboot and you will be surprised how fetishes evolve and sometimes completely drop off.