For what it's worth

*hand clap*

Thanks for this powerful intervention, well said

 

Fucking brilliant post! Absolutely amazing!

 

Amazing post!

 

Sorry to hear that you feel you need to leave, and was unable to get any value from the forums here. I might say after only a couple of weeks you may not have given it a chance. A few bad posts shouldn’t ruin the rest of them for the sake of us. I could certainly use some wisdom from a veteran female PA perspective, which I feel is rare, and most likely insightful.
At the same if it is not working for you, congrats on recognizing it and making the decision to stop. Much can be learned from your actions, and/or reactions. I just wish we had more of an opportunity to learn from and grow with you.

 

Too true. Thanks for clarifying. I apologize for assuming you were a PA, rather than someone who is familiar with addiction first hand. Hopefully you can see it as an honest mistake.
I know the same frustration you feel. I pretty much only stay in my rebooting in a relationship box, and sometimes venture into the SOs forum. It is disheartening for some one like me who takes recovery seriously to read about others who can’t seem to go a day or two without touching themselves. How could I relate to that, what could I learn. I could try my best to teach and contribute, but even then it seems like some don’t want to listen or learn, just as much as they don’t want to put forth the effort to really try to even be clean.

 

I really needed this thread this morning, thank you everyone that posted here. I’m a PA and about a month in fapfree. I owe this site much gratitude, this community is what made me believe this is actually doable. In the same time browsing this site can open for doubt. Let me explain:

When I joined some weeks ago I was like “this is so cool, heck yeah, I’m up for this, let’s go all in”. I’ve kept reading facts and discussions since to educate myself on what’s going on in my body and brain. But every morning when I open nofap to see what’s going on there are new posts and threads that sounds like: “so, another relapse, well bummer, back up on the horse. Hopefully will do better this time”. I judge no one. Would never discourage anyone by arguing them. But when reading those kind of messages a hundred times my brain starts telling me: “well everyone relapse at least a few times, it’s not the end of the world, I do feel a bit uncomfortable so maybe just get it over with..”.

I’m living on the edge here. It would be so easy for me to just go back to my old habits. Therefore I bow to you who started this thread and thank you for the slap in the face, I needed it. And I will actually do this!

I hope no one takes this post the wrong way, I do not in any way want to upset someone, just spilling what’s on my mind. Wish you all a fine Thursday!

 

Do you think that there is an important balance to strike between emphasizing severity and helping the addict understand consequences vs being “too hard” on someone who has slipped up or whose progress is “non-linear”? Do you think there is a way to simultaneously encourage someone while helping them understand the magnitude of change that is required to overcome addiction and the importance of implementing those changes?

Essentially what I’m asking is, how do you see a way for addicts to receive support that is neither too lenient nor too shaming? There is value in kindness and providing a safe space without judgment to discuss problems/addiction which was the catalyst for my own boyfriend to begin healing. And once he started to change just a little, he was able to see on his own the difference in his own life and could understand the consequences of staying addicted. And personally, I was no heroin addict but I was a smoker and there was nothing in this world that could force me to quit until I was truly ready. I understood the consequences of staying a smoker in a way that mattered to me - real intrinsic motivation, the only kind that works.

And yet, I find myself agreeing with you. To be too wishy washy about problems (which is not the same as kindness) is something that could easily decrease that vital intrinsic motivation, just as shame, yelling and insults do.

I wonder what it would look like if we could be neither too mean nor too “nice” and instead be kind and firm in our support?

 

You just said EXACTLY the reason I’m on here and my SO is not , I won’t push him because exactly what you just wrote ! It’s a lot easier to simply co-sign with the tens of thousands that slip but a lot harder work to co-sign with the ones who are working towards FULL recovery! Well done for choosing to feed the right wolf . I don’t think I’ve read anywhere where someone was honest with THIS thought !

 

I think it's the topic of interest that I've been reading the 4 years I'm here.

There are no excuses for all of us after so many relapses.

 

Thanks for this post - it fits in like a puzzle piece to a picture that has been emerging for me over the recent weeks/months while I have been chasing my tail in regular relapses. I think the message that comes through for me is that there two types of effort:
i) attempts to appear to make effort - on a scale of not much to quite alot but they are still only efforts just the same and are doomed to failure and thus precursors to eternal relapse recurrence. This effort occurs in the shadow of the addiction and is managed and controlled within it. It is pseudo-recovery and is not recovery at all.
ii) tangible steps, actions, deeds, recognition/admission of failure, sharing of that recognition/admission and the instigation of the "bloody battle" referred to above. This genuinely challenges the demons and stands some chance of success, reaching beyond the gravity of addiction and into the space beyond.
I am aware that I have been playing with recovery in a way that is far from true recovery behaviour. My efforts are so minimal that I am unable (yet) to see the horizon beyond where the real recovery stuff lies. I have so much work to do and i need to build my efforts up a whole lot.
Thanks for your post - it was truly inspiring and thx @Banjaxed for pointing it out to me.

 

Great post, I hear lots of passion in your writings.

2 things:

I never knew the word reboot meant relaspe.

I always associated the word reboot with the metaphor of rebooting a computer to fix the troubled glitch.

To me a reboot was absolutely essential in order to reset my nueropathways and change my trajectory for healing. I guarantee if I had not abstained I would have never made progress. Resetting my brain, which I miswired through years of bad computing is always been what rebooting was to me. It is done by asbtaining, educating, and developing healthy coping tools to manage what is happening in our heads. Much like you @Fireandash did in your intensive treatment. This forum affords me to do that.

Secondly, while I am an advocate of the "Tough Love" method in being real and helping people. Often times people forget the Love part and are just Tough. This forum seems to be full of well-doers whom have a fix for everyone else's problems. They are quick to assert thier fanatic solutions and no nonsense absolutes. While that may work well for them, not everyone responds to bluntness in the same way.

I have found it to be more helpful to try and teach with kindness. It never hurts to be kind. We are all anonymous here so coming off harsh first without knowing the tender heart of the individual doesn't always work. Kindness however is universal.

@Fireandash You're doing a good thing, You seem to know very well what you believe as well as what you're talking about. I am truly sorry you are the SO of PA. That is difficult position to be in, I hope you both all the recovery success in the world.

 

@Reverent you make a good point - i too veer more towards the soft touch and respond better to a conciliatory approach but it was a pure "tough" message that brought me here. It's a question of balance. There is a danger that just "love" without the "tough" wont cut it. The backbone of @Fireandash 's post is that we're all to happy to dial up the love without recognising the need for the tough...

 

I think my understanding of reboot differs from yours greatly. For me, a reboot was a goal to set my sights on when I started to take my recovery seriously. Yes, it was a goal of only 90 days, but my real intention was to stay clean from pornography forever. I have no intentions of ever using pornography again. It's clear that my life is better without it, even after going 90 days without it. I imagine that lots of other addicts will come to the same conclusion should they reach the 90 day mark. For me, a reboot was just the beginning, and once I reached that 90 day mark I felt like I was equipped with the tools I needed to continue my recovery.

I agree that relapse is relapse. If anyone around here is going through a 90-day reboot just so that they can go back to porn afterwards, then I think they're doing it wrong.

Rebooting is not something I told myself about to comfort myself. Rather, it was just another part of the battle. It was the first step in my recovery, and now I'm in a position where I can really look at myself. It feels like I have control of my life back, but I know I have to keep fighting if I want to keep things that way. It's not a cushy pillow that makes me feel better. It's a tool. Does that make sense?