Just another guy destroying his brain

Greeting, I am a new member here, but not new to the whole NoFap thing. I am a 31 year-old guy. Been married for 10 years. I have a beautiful wife and 4 children. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I was married in the Nauvoo Illinois Temple. I have had on and off success at pornography addiction for almost 20 years. I have been hesitant to join because I, like everyone else, thinks from time to time that they can do it alone. Well I can't.
A little background. I caught my dad looking at porn when I was 11 or so. I had been masturbating for a while already without any visual stimulation. Being a nosey kid, I found his stash of videos. Both of them. Not both stashes, both videos. Those two videos carried me out for 2 or 3 years, being always diligent to rewind the video to the original place so I didn't get caught. Then we get satellite TV with cinemax and HBO at 14 or so. Somewhere around there I also got a few people's log-in info for dial-up internet. This is when my grades in school started slipping. I never did bad, but could have done a lot better.
So this PMO, regret/shame, PMO/PMO/PMO, re-dedication cycle continued until I was 19. I moved with my brother who is 10 years older than me, to a town several hours from home and we lived in a one bedroom apartment. He had this evil program that would store any images viewed, so with a few clicks he could tell if I had looked at anything. I could do the same for him. We were each other’s accountability partner. He was my first and only one I have ever had except my wife. And having a wife for an accountability partner isn't a good for a relationship.
With his help I went from being able to go no more than several days to a week without PMOing, to a month or 2. When I met my wife, I told her everything when we first started dating. I had one small slip, but not MO while dating and she was PISSED. She forgave me though. We were married for over 2 years before I PMOed again. I had almost no urge to look at porn. Then I got fired, my wife got a job, and I was at home with the internet all day. And I did it. I cried like a baby when my wife got home. She thought my dad had died or something.
Since that day I have only PMOed 10 times or so. It normally was 2 or 3 times in one day though with long breaks between.
My main problem is pornography. I usually get sex 2-4 times a week, and have no drive to masturbate unless I look at porn for a long time. I rarely look at hardcore porn. But I have a very difficult time not allowing myself to look at non-nude stimulation and then leading in to various forms of undress. Normally I stop a few minutes after I see nudity, then feel bad, and feel obligated to tell my wife, and rip her heart to shreds again. It is rare that I go more than a month without looking at a picture of a naked woman.
I never have a problem with erections or sex drive, and this might sound like a minor problem to many of you, but this is so discouraging. I feel like this is preventing my spiritual development, and risking my family and career. Sorry for being so long winded. I didn't intend for this to be so long.

 

Thanks for your reply. I am currently under a lot of stress because our youngest daughter is going to be having a major surgery in the next few days or possibly weeks. I just PMOed a few hours ago. It was the first time in several months but was like I didn't even care I was doing it until it was done. I know the whole impaired judgment and all. I really need to try to balance my life. I know I will always have this thing to struggle with, but feels like trying to run up an escalator going down: the moment you quit trying you start going backwards.

 

Greetings fellow fapstronauts. I did not fall off the map. I just try to not spend too much time thinking about not looking at porn and live my life instead. I have been on a good streak. Certain life circumstances have both made it easy and at the same time difficult to abstain for P use. Having a sick child in and out of the hospital sorta consumes your attention, while at the same time adds crazy levels of stress and the tendency to relapse as a maladaptive stress reduction technique. It has almost been a non-intentional hard mode for me because my wife being gone at the hospital with our sick kid and her (our child not my wife) being very needy when at home. I do not EVER want to do hard mode. EVER. I have not M'ed or intentionally looked at P since my last PMO. I have caught short glimpses of images on a non-P video site that I probably shouldn't have been on anyway, but didn't linger or click or fantasize. Be strong. Cuddle with someone cause it's going to be freaking cold tonight.

 

Well I almost PMO'ed. I was in my car way out back behind the dumpsters at work with my phone. It was odd. I was right in the middle, well close to the end actually, and it hit me how long it had been since last time: 66 days. I looked at P yesterday and today. I have meant to begin meditating and start reading scriptures more for strength and peace of mind.
I am not going to shame myself. I made a mistake. I dented the car but didn't run it off a cliff. Dopamine was secreted in excess but not as much as if I would have O'ed. It's amazing how what you were doing seems so different after the fact. Impaired executive function sucks. Stay strong.

 

Yeah. I'm still sorta surprised I was able to stop. Maybe I wasn't that in to what I was watching.

 

Recently, I feel as if my brain is slowing changing. For the better. My view of sex is evolving. Part of P's destruction is the idea that women are objects used to set your little swimmers (sperm) free. My brain has been exposed to the accumulated equivalent of weeks or months of time, of seeing highly receptive sexual partners, giving pleasure at the click of a mouse. Click. Cum. Click. Cum. Click... get the picture?

My wife loves sex. But it is unreasonable to expect her to give me a happy ending with whatever body part I want, every time I get a boner. Sex and orgasm are great. But we seem to have been led to believe it is right up there with breathing and drinking water. No sex or orgasm = slow painful death. Not true. Through the years I have harmed my marriage because of this thought of needing orgasm. The single most regretted action from my marriage was when I forced my wife to perform a certain sexual act on me. She was so shocked at what I was doing that she didn't resist, and in my porn-mutated brain, I thought, "She loves me and enjoys this." This was at least 6 years ago. Several days later, after she explained how it made her feel, I apologized feverishly and promised never to do it again. I felt horrible and she forgave me. Years afterwards we were lying in bed one night and I started sniffling and she turned and asked what was wrong. I again apologized for that action from years ago and cried a little, feeling again all the shame and regret. She told me I was forgiven, again. While I have never forced her to do things to me, I have in the past several months, guilted or effectively begged for sex acts. Mind you, some of this happened shortly after she had a C-section, and our baby was still in the hospital recovering from surgery, sometimes while we were physically in the hospital bathroom. It was completely unreasonable and disrespectful for me practically demand an orgasm. But I did.

Recently, I have started viewing sex as a bonding experience, and not a way to get an O. I have viewed sex in this light before, but it has never been this strong. This shift has helped reduce my urges to view P. While we are still not having sex as much as before our 4 kids, I feel closer to my wife. She feels like she can touch me affectionately and not have to worry about me demanding a sexual release. It is nice also being able to touch her and not feel this "she better make me cum" thought creeping in my mind. I feel closer to my wife, don't have blue balls, and don't make her feel guilty about not giving me sex all the time.

With this in mind, my wife and I have previously had wonderful experiences with karezza. Karezza is basically gentle, affectionate intercourse, without the goal of orgasm/ejaculation. Would sex without O or ejaculation be considered hard mode? Either way, I was able to go 2 years without looking at P after about a 6 month reboot while we were dating/engaged. I didn't know what a reboot was then, but it worked. I may not go totally hard mode, but limit O's. Hopefully I can go another 2 years afterwards and maybe completely change my brain pattern and thoughts about sex.

Our brains think we must O. It's not really true.

Sorry if I repeated some stuff. Stay strong fapstronauts.

 

Greetings fapstronauts. After a little over a month of non-orgasmic sex (karezza) with my wife and no blue balls, we got hot and heavy and we both orgasmed. My lovely wife apparently experiences the Coolidge effect rather briskly because she did not want me to touch her much afterward, starting almost immediately after her O ended. It made me sad. No for long though, because just a few minutes later I could care less because I was experiencing the Coolidge effect myself.
Later we were talking and she said I could cum all I wanted to during sex, but she didn't want to orgasm and that she liked karezza, not just during but afterwards also. It leaves a very loving, affectionate feeling. Unfortunately, I have had much more temptation to view pornography since then. I looked today and day before yesterday. No masturbation though. So I'm going to make a new counter for two months of karezza. I will attept to bond with my wife daily. Prior to orgasming with my wife I had very little urge to look at porn. Hopefully I will again have little to no urge to look after a few days of karezza. Keep up the good fight. Remember to have non-sexual physical contact with a loved one, meditate, read inspirational books or articles, watch motivational speakers (Matt Foley: "You're not going to amount to JACK SQUAT!!!"), pray, fast, eat good food, move your body, go for a hike, do deep squats... Just live your life and stay off electronic devices. Love to everyone struggling.

 

(Would someone please like my comment? I cannot edit my signature until I get a like.)

Hey everyone. I'm still around. I was PMO free for around 280 days and slipped up September 10th, 15 days ago. I had been browsing video channels and looking at P subs several days in a row and just gave in. Back in June I got really serious about doing the LDS Addiction Recovery Program and felt like a lust-free super hero. Then I slacked off and gradually became a normal horny guy again. So back to doing the 12-steps it is. The last time I went more than 2 years without PMOing, was after the 3 or 4 month period of no orgasms (except NE) while I was engaged to my wife. So I have decided to do a 3 month hard mode reboot. No karezza, no MO, no sex, no dry humping, NOTHING. I decided to add a P subs counter to my signature but it won't let me because I don't have any likes. So, hook me up.

 

33 days in and I feel so incredibly close to my wife. I want her sexually, but am not a slave to my sex drive/addiction. We can make out some and not get blue balls. It feels amazing. It is also difficult to not allow my physical body to take over for my brain. My wife supports me and is not making things difficult for me, which she could if she felt so inclined. I feel greater love and respect for my wife and greater self control. I plan on ordering the book Cupid's Poisoned Arrow to start working through as we approach out January 1st, 2016 re-consummation date.

As a side note: If you are having financial difficulty check out the Dave Ramsey Show or the book The Total Money Makeover. If you are making a big change in your life, why not make another and get your financial house in order too.